June 12

I'm watching forrest Gump now. I always loved this movie. I don't know but I always could identify with Forrest, being bullied at school a lot myself, and falling in love with one of my classmates too who I'll never see again. Out of all the pain I've been through knowing I'll never see her again hurts worst of all, but what can you do... All the dreams, gone...

I know some people hate this film because to some it's saying that any idiot can get anywhere in America. That's only if you look at gump as an idiot, in my mind. He's a real man to me. Humble, loves people, isn't afraid of anyone, a good son, great friend. Maybe he doesn't know how to calculate the hardest math equations, but who does? I don't get why anyone wouldn't like this movie. Well I like it.

I think Gump is Jesus. Everywhere he goes, he's bringing people hope.

Jesus Christ help me

You know what I want to do? Be a fighter pilot. I watched top gun yesterday before going to bed. Forgive me for stealing the movie, but it's a real classic, from when movies demanded more creativity and craftsmanship and intelligence... I think for the time being it's my fav movie, mainly for its style and some kind of I guess spirit of artistic excellence. Good times. Cruise back then was a christian, lots of people were, and still are in the military though today he's gone crazy and joined Scientology. I don't even know what those guys are trying to do. I know christians and catholics etc. are trying to promote peace and infinite forgiveness for sins etc. But scientologists? Wow, it's like, what? What are you guys doing to help? Well, we have freedom of religion in america so *shrugs*.

Yeah I'm back despite saying I'd leave. I just can't... I don't think I'll truly be gone until basic next month. Theres no half assing basic training. I've got one shot to make this work and if it doesn't I'm frankly fucked in life. I could continue to get entry level jobs and maybe go to school part time but it'd be, how do I put this, a dead end... And I hate dealing with jerks at work. That makes no sense to me, how some people at work want to put other hard working people down, but it happens. Human nature and all that... We are awful.

I watched porn this morning and came and it was what it was, hopefully it leads to a full 8 hours tonight. I slept well last night, I think in part because I shot a load from my morning wood.

Ok then. Oh and I'll read the bible so I can get some holy inspiration. The big fat loser at work tried to tell me being religious = bad. But I'm the one about to get a desk job and learn skills that after my military career will allow me to make a lot more money than him. Where's the benefit to being athiest, dude? Cuz I don't see it. Not to brag, but don't mess with me when I have God in my corner.

The hardest thing is going one more round

when you don't think you can. When you honestly just want to throw in the towel, quit, just crawl into a hole...

I feel like shit. I feel like there's no winning in life for me, I'll always be alone, always fuck up, always try and fail... I'm 23 goddamn years old. who am I supposed to be now that all that kiddie crap's over? Am I supposed to just... what? Get laid certainly is a priority, but I don't want anything to do with parenting. This is stupid as hell. I'm about to kill myself going through 2 months of basic training, then 3 months of tech school... I'm capable of the physical tasks, but mentally I'm unstable, can't concentrate, feel fucked up because of the internet, the damn internet. You should never take the internet seriously, really, since it's a bunch of freaks on there... but I'm crazy like that.

*shrugs* life's a bitch. And yeah though I'll get kicked around and likely beaten again, I have to keep going if I want to get what I want out of it... shit. Oh well. I'm gone. I'm done. No more blog. I have to get serious about military life. I want to become stronger. Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhh!!! LET'S GO! IT'S TIME BABY! MAN UP OR SHUT UP!

Good day today

I got some new sneakers. They're the ones with the cool springs on the bottom just under the heel. They make running MUCH more comfortable for me, what a great purchase... I don't know... Sometimes I think I shouldn't be spending money on stuff since I don't like to be flashy, but hey, there's a lot of cool stuff to buy out there and when I get the money, why not? Thinking about it today, I'm not like other people... I'm just simple. Other guys they have to get new toys, new expensive stuff, to impress the ladies... I've never been interested in that life style. I've been taught to be humble, think of of the starving kids in africa or wherever who can't afford a meal.

And it's true. Here in USA, we have it GOOD compared to some places. We're better educated, we have an abundance of food, we have too much in fact since now obesity is a problem, mass production and the advent of global economy, as well as the ease of communication these days has created a massive market place where you can make money, sell, buy, do anything through the web. A lot of young entrepreneurs actually tried to create their businesses solely online back during the .com boom where people started online stores and such to sell their services. We can still do that granted, we figure it out and all. My area of expertise will be in computers once I get into the air force next month. So I'll have the option to do it then if I wish. It's going to be sweet to have the freedom, the American freedom to do what I want to do once I'm through basic.

It's a whole knew world now. nothing's real anymore. Everything's digital, from movies, to music, to even money! We don't need cash, really, don't know why we still have it. Well, I'm going to use my airforce pay to play the stock market once I get in. Then it'll be gravy, baby. If things go well, I'll just keep making money money money, if they don't, I'm ok since I have a secure military job.

6 year enlistment, 29 if I decide to leave. What to do at that age? I don't know... I've lived a sheltered boxed in life, don't really care to nor am interested in going and working outside the military. Some other folks get their college degree, make way too much money and go out to fine dining, have kids, and all that, live life to the fullest. I've always considerd myself a soldier. A warrior. I love a challenge. And what doesn't kill you only makes you stronger.

Eh at least my leg's healing from that car accident. It's indicitave I feel of how lucky I am to have a healthy functioning body while other people don't even have half that or are too old to be free to reach for the stars like me. Makes me want to be the best I can be. Older people know this and encourage me to work hard but that basterd at work, oy, I can't get him out of my head... grow up guy. Seriously. Playground kids tease each other because they've got nothing better to do. As an adult, you ought to leave that behind and think of building a future family yourself but adults are stupid sometimes. I would have LOVED to bring kids into this world had I not had first hand experience with how awful this place is. I do not envy those who decide to do it, but they probably know how to raise their kids RIGHT so they're not worried. Anyway, God I love what you've got in store for me here. thanks boss. I'll do my best.

Why me

Ouch ouch ouch. I was running on the treadmill today and I blacked out from exhaustion for like a second and I fell on my ass because of it. That could have been bad... Luckily I just scraped my knee and that's all it was... I think "that's life man, shit happens..." But I hate being the center of attention especially for shit like that. God punishes me I guess for my wrongs in the past, what else can it be? Is it because I'm more hateful towards women now? What? They started it, big guy... Oy... I'm not going down though, just going to get back on the horse, that's the way to do it, ya know...

I hope to myself sometimes that I'm just in that part of life before things get RRRRRRRREALLY good and you hit your prime and get to go to the beach with sexy ladies and stuff and enjoy yourself for once... I hope...

I'm a masculinist

It's become apparent to me that I'm not alone in thinking that my generation of men, not just black men, but white, and asian, and spanish, and all the other races in between, indians though i don't know if they're just white people with tans or not, but whatever, and I'm done being told by women who I'm supposed to be. Yes, I have a grandma, a niece, a sister, and a mother and I like them all well enough, but they've never lived in a man's body and never will. I see the way the world is, tossing men under the bus and proping women up over them as these amazing things and I'm angry, I'm ready to explode with rage over how we're actively being abused by society. This is what the KKK is complaining about really, blacks play the victim and get away with murder against white people who were just not doing anything to them. This I understand now more than ever as a man seeing other men struggling under a system that's against them.

Are most men complete shit? YES. But some of us are decent men and we're all being painted with the same brush here and it's just a big pain in the rectum to try to maneuver through a world that's been fucked up for us. I think often about the young athiest asshole at work who tried to make me seem like less of a man for joining the military. You got to be kidding me. I'm more aware now than ever of the kind of freaks in this world. I reaaaaaly could get shot to shit in there and all other kinds of crap if I get captured and it scares the hell out of me thinking about it. The only comfort I have is knowing that I already have family members serving and they're doing ok, just doing their job and not going into battle fields and shit. Really though it doesn't matter how good a person you are, some asshole will always be there trying to break you down. You just got to do you, man and fuck everybody else in this world. They don't CARE a shit about you no matter how convincing their argument is. THERE DAMN WELL IS A DEVIL. And he's ready to fuck you up bad if you let him.

God help me. I'm going to get through this rage and confusion I hope, live a decent life, meet a real woman in some other country, love each other equally, not pretend we're exactly the same physically and mentally. It's not going to work, all this theory about men and women being perfectly the same. Life's given us both different roles to play and there's no changing certain roles we have to perform. Men are always going to be the warriors and women will always be the reason men go to war. And around and around it goes.

I'll dedicate my life to this political agenda the same way women have dedicated their lives to finding ways to subvert men's rightful dominance over them.

June 1

Made it...

Today was a ok day, nothing special happened. Went to the store to buy soda and apple juice... yum.

Though I have to get my feelings out on something that still bothers me. I'm pretty clear on what I want to do, just be an ordinary military man. If I die, though unlikely in this branch, so be it. I've made my peace with that long ago.

I don't know tho... I don't know how to be a ruthless jerk, never had that kind of way about me. I was taught to be nice, so that's who I am and I usually get my face kicked in for it. Yes I can be a badass sometimes, but it requires great sacrifice on my part, the kind that eats away at your soul etc...

My niece is going to be a great person one day. Saw UP with her and my sister yesterday... I guess I'm getting a preview of what it's like to be a father of a daughter... she's just a kid now, thinks the world's all fun and flowers and girly junk. She has no clue what kind of anvil's about to fall on her once puberty kicks in full throttle. I guess it's no big deal for girls, I don't know anything about their development. For me, it was rough specifically because nobody taught me anything. I can deal with a boy, teach him how to be at least a 23 year old virgin like me, not necessarily a manly man like other guys who've seen and done it all and are just chillin, watching their kids grow and protecting their family. You got to respect that.

I hate it, the whole 18 thing, like I said before. My cousin still lived at home till 25 or so and he was in a masters degree program, already had a job, he was just getting a boost by not having to pay his own bills yet that's all... And he's awesome. But it's complicated, my situation... I didn't really care about anything when I was put into thousands of dollars of debt against my will. My parents were so thrilled to have me gone from the house, they didn't care that I wasn't intending to finish college in the first place, just planning to get a job and go about my business. But no, that's not the plan. You go to college, you get in debt, you finish, you get the top job, and pay off the debt as you work your way through it and buy a house etc. I didn't like that. for one, when do you get a break? You go to school all your life, then you work all the rest? Good grief, and well, it's complicated...

Whatever, just got to keep moving forward in life... I'm so saddened though, thinking about how I have to face my future alone. Girls girls everywhere but not one isn't a golddigger! OY!