I am not a Man. I am a Machine.

Ok, I'm gone. The future's never been more hopeful for me than it is now. I don't want to mess this up. This is my redemption story, a punk kid from the bronx, who blew his chance to get a college education, messed around on a message board and became hated by its members, then realized how important an education was, and was given a second chance. I can't mess this up now. For all the souls lost in the last few years, and for all the good I can possibly do with my life if given the chance, I have to sacrifice and struggle to win back my honor and worth as a person now. No more kiddie silliness. Men of all races are struggling right now to reclaim some dignity in a world that's decided they're no good. For the sake of the next generation, I'll likely become a role model for others to follow, and thusly must lead by example and not behave in a classless, stupid manner that so many other black men damn themselves into.

Certainly, yes, we do have the freedom to be anything we want to be in america, but so many kids see their only role models as stupid hood guys instead of the regular guy/nerd culture that I and many of my buddies were born into and therefore don't see education as a serious thing worth pursuing or else they'll be cast out of their gang. Like I said before, it's the boyz in the hood scenario. damned if you do, damned if you don't kind of thing. To clarify, the movie was about a young black college bound male who was caught up between the race relations within his community. This is something that still pursists to this day as stupidty consumes people and certain blacks have to go to war with themselves over whether getting an education is a good thing or just another form of suppression and control . truth is, it's a damn good thing. Stupid kids man, I'm on the b-ball court and there's this little kid there and he's the asshole of the group, the dumbass while all his friends are the more intelligent, level headed type. He'll likely end up in jail and drag a few of his friends with him. That's the kind of thing I'm talking about. Anyway, it's complicated stuff, race relations.

So yeah, I'm on the move, babay!! BOOOOOOOOOYAH! TAKE THAT, INTERNET!

Back to the kitchen

Women women women... I see hotties in the gym wearing low cut tops and tight shorts. oh I love the gym. It's spring time now and as I'm out in the world walking up and down and seeing the girls, they're as usual showing me just how much they're not a sex object by giving everyone an almost x-ray visual of their nude body by wearing shredded napkins for clothes. Little girls too. I have to try not to think dirty things when I see a 10 year old running around in a mini-skirt. Who the hell is she trying to attract?

Its going to be harder for me now to not get a girl pregnant as I keep working out more and more at the gym and become more attractive myself. I'm already bigger now that my muscles have recovered and yeah it's kind of nice to have girls checking me out for a change, I must say. usually I'm sitting in class, and can't focus on the lessons because the teacher's got some nice tits or the girl sitting next to me is barely wearing anything... ah, those were the days... The only reason to go to school was to see the girls.

I don't understand women and I don't think I ever will. a lot of young men online are in the same boat as me really, totally clueless about how to get girls. I THOUGHT that all i had to do was stick to the books and stay out of trouble, which I did. *shakes head* That makes things worse. Women will say again and again how much they want a nice guy who's not all about stomping on people whenever he can, but that's all bullshit, straight up, bullshit. That guy who's a psycho and ripped like arnold and could care less what anyone thinks of him, that's their dream man. Why? Simple. He's awesome in bed. The dork who knows every script revision of star wars or like I see all the time studies, is knowledgable, they hate him. Then whine when they're stuck with a jerk who doesn't care about him.

Another thing I'm sore over is how women don't take the risk of approaching men. This is how it happened in high school for me. Like i said, I'm handsome, so I've been granted with it seems a mixture of features that makes me look goddamn good when the lighting is just right, otherwise I look like a freak. So I'm just chillin at school and this nice looking little thang walks up to me and says some girl is interested in me and then giggles to herself and runs away. What the hell kind of way to get a boyfriend is that I'm wondering? Just ask me out. I don't know whether you're playing games, which is another thing women love to do. Just not long ago the women at my work place decided to play mind games with me and tell me that they'd get me a girlfriend, only to laugh in my face. I hope they die working that shitty job.

This I believe will all come back to bite women though. What was that golden rule? Treat others as you'd want to be treated? There ya go, girls. The more you treat us men like wallets, hit us because you know we won't fight back, continue to sit on your thumbs and wait for men to approach you since you know we have no choice, tease us, all that shit, we're going to do SOMETHING back. I don't know what, but it's not going to be pretty, that's for sure. I'm kind of thinking homosexuality is like a natural reaction to the way women have changed things now and are trying to play more of the male role. I don't know. I've recently drawn the conclusion that I can't be feminine and get away with it. My recruiter already hinted that I needed to man-up. None of that equality bullshit, I have to be a man and there's no getting around it, especially in the service. I'm glad. I have to say that having a real male role model in my life has really done some good. Being surrounded by women this and women that was going to get me no where in life, that's for sure.

I'm a little messed up

ugh, I can't concentrate. My mind's filled with sex cravings as I try to abstain from masturbation or any kind of sexual things. I want to be a faithful catholic now. I don't agree with all of the bible because I am a scientist now, so I'm going to place more emphasis on provable fact than faith. However, it appears that I'm at a point where I have to chose my own fate in a sense, whether it be continuing to be stuck in an endless cycle of porn or taking a leap of faith and TRYING to get off the stuff. I must say it's not easy as I thought it would be.

Ugh, I thought it was ok. yunno... but it's not. If you do it too much, it's just as bad as being addicted to any drug. I'm not going to go down being stuck with this addiction for the rest of my life. It's stupid to me to be consumed forever in this dark shroud of evil I guess you can call it that. I'm so tired though, I want to masturbate... I wish I knew how other people got over this. Yeah...

Bitches Part 2

I'm reading on feministing about how woman and men are valued as potential wives or husbands, and how men's value increases with more maturity and money, while woman's decreases with age. I can't believe how the little girls in the comments are crying foul over the mere thought that they're not as valuable later in life as they are in their late teens and early 20s.

Hi ladies! I'm 23! I'm a virgin and you know what? i'll be one until I'm about 30 or so and I have no choice but to accept that.

So get over yourselves you spoiled, selfish, little brats.

all you have to do is push your breasts together, walk around and have a billion men try to rape you. While I have to get a good job, build muscle, then desperately try to seduce a female at a bar or party or wherever. Stop whining, girls. Please...

I hate feminism. It's something I didn't learn about until I went to college and was being taught by a bunch of women about how women should be valued and respected, treated nice. Lol.

Every guy knows that women don't want a nice guy. they want the guy who's built like a tank or intellectually flies circles around them, but above all provides mind blowing sex. that's what you won't get taught at we-ripped-U-off-niversity.

I saw this fat girl working out at the gym one time. I applaud her. She's actually trying to make herself more appealing to the opposite sex, something we men have had to do forever. I might even try to pick her up, she seems like a tough girl, my kind of woman. Ah, fat girls who expect to be handed everything to them on a silver platter, good grief. I can't wait to see what kind of girls are in the airforce, yes. Strong, determined, in shape, the only problem is some of them are going to out of their minds since you have to kind of be to want to join the military... but oh well, they'll be hot so whatever.

Pain

Getting over addiction is nothing but pain. My head aches me, my body's weak from all the strenuous exercise I've put it through in the last few days, I'm not in a good place right now. I'm out and about more these days just checking out the neighborhood and stuff, like going by my old high school, its still the same hell hole it used to be, yet somehow I feel homesick away from it. I lived there for so long after all and I remember how life just made so much more sense when I knew where I was going day by day. Now I don't really know. I'm just drifting through life without much of a plan and I don't know whether I have what it takes to seriously be an airman. My father tells me that I'm not like him because he came from much tougher times and a much tougher upbringing. I disagree. The struggles i've gone through in my short ass 23 years of life, have been a lot more than a lot of folks can say they have and it's still going on to this day as I struggle to overcome porn addiction.

I have to comment on the amount of overweight people out there though. I've always been lean and muscular since I was inspired by rocky balboa, arnold, and later goku to get buff and because it's good to be healthy. Too bad I didn't know what I was doing earlier in life or I'd be a ripped up kind of guy right now. seriously stop drinking soda and don't over-exercise. I'm having to undo a lot of old habits now that have caused me to be all shitty at exercise. But damnit if I'm not kind of annoyed how I'm killing myself to get in better shape yet there's women walking around with what seems to be sacks of potatoes stuffed in their pants. Who could live like that? Exercise is not that hard especially these days now that we learned that rest is as important as hard work. used to be, people killed themselves working out and couldn't figure out why they weren't getting stronger while the guys who worked out less but chilled on the sofa more were getting bigger faster. sure it's still hard but not as hard as it used to be. That's progress for you.

I take the subway frequently. And because of that I notice the various gaps in social status between people of all backgrounds and it's somewhat a concern to me how blacks aren't typically the top business guy on the subway wearing his suit and such. Why is that, I wonder to myself. then I see as I ride the bus today just how many kids are into gangster culture, don't read, could care a fuck less about proving racists wrong. Sigh... So I'm thinking to myself why this is and a light bulb goes on in my mind. WOMEN.

Us men have only one goal in mind. Get that pussy.

If we have to, we'll do anything for it. If we have to become a top business man, we'll do it, if we have to become a dumbass gangster, we'll do it. If we have to become steve urkel, we'll do it.

I dare posit that if young black males were rewarded in any way for cracking a book open they'd all do it. But unfortunately if they do, most black girls will look the other way. Look at me. i read, I read and i read, and now I'm a 23 year old virgin so yeah, there ya go.

Life plan part 2

God bless America. I feel so excited about the unlimited possibilities that have been opened to me now with my enlistment, I'm so, aaaaaagh, I can't really perfectly articulate my joy, but you get it. yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!1 *Chest bump*

I just need to get over this sex addiction thing, build muscle, get through basic and then I'm done. Finally where I want to be all my life. I never NEVER thought it would happen. My father tells me that I have to pass it on, what opportunities I've been given, I have to give them to someone else. seems reasonable. I've always thought that way. This is a cruel unforgiving world, so of course a little goodness shared makes things just that much less crazy. I know if you treat people nice, many will give it back, but some don't... some people are just purely miserable and if that's the way they want to go down in life, ok.

I'm starting to feel it, all this power... ready to burst free and conquer any task. I am not a man. I am a machine, I told myself that in high school. It was that bad. I had to shut down my emotions to get through the day. Still, it toughened me up so I can't say it was all bad. Now I have to get back my balls to do this great last effort before finally achieving ultimate victory.

I wills train, go through 2 months and 3 days of basic training that will build me into a machine of a man.

I will then go to technical school, learn everything there is to know about electronics, computers, whatever.

I will be stationed at a base somewhere in japan I hope. I will learn the language as I've always planned. I will go to school on off duty time. In 2 years I will have earned an associates degree in my field whatever the hell it is. I'd like to go as far as a bachelors while enlisted but eh, I don't know if I'm strong enough for that. the thing about college is that it's not simply about making more money, not at a good college anyway. It's about training leadership for the next generation and yeah you think a guy like me could ever lead anyone? hardy har har.

I don't know... f'n 23. I never saw what my life would be like after 18, nope. There is a God. No doubt in my mind now... how's a dork like me get this far in life honestly?

Perez hilton Vs that hot religious girl

this is truly, I'd say, an excellent example of current political battles occurring within all communities throughout the united states, whether they be black, white, religious, non-religious. We have to find something to quarrel about, us humans... It'll never end.

Perez hilton is gay, what many today consider the new black people. Though I'd trade my left nut to be perez hilton with his blue eyes and peach skin tone. I'm lucky in the sense that I can pass for spanish under the right circumstances and that's about it. The overwhelming stereotype of blacks as stupid gangsters will follow me well into my military career and beyond it, I'm sure while perez can walk freely as a gay man without worrying about anyone thinking less of him. In fact, I've noticed throughout my travels the last few years that a lot of gay black men are more appreciated I guess than your jive talkin alpha male type. Man, this world is weird.

Anyway, I'm discovering more and more that white people are not all on the same page. I didn't know this in high school. i thought they all hated us, not so. They hate each other more than they'll ever hate black people. We're still a nuisance under certain circumstances, especially the education thing, but otherwise it's become fully clear to me that the new war isn't between races but between religious and non-religious people.

I grew up going to church. I attended a catholic school. I do believe there's SOME kind of greater power at work, but the contradictory nature of school life began to be something worthy of notice once I really got into serious puberty and started to question why my body was craving something that my religion taught me to deny. Why was it that people divorced when marriage was supposed to be permanently binding? Why is it that I'm learning physics one minute and learning the teachings of the Jesus the next?

Turns out that I was just caught up in the many conflicting view points of the older generation over what should or should not be taught in schools. I think simply you should teach what's most beneficial to the child in their life since those years before puberty are golden and the kid can fully concentrate on school work without thinking one way or the other like I am now with my sex cravings. But so many disagree and so we get kids who aren't being pushed to their limits these days and getting taught stuff they'll soon forget and likely never need. Seriously I'm starting everything from scratch now when I could have been miles ahead if I only learned the right way to be a healthy young adult back around 17 or so.

The school system is garbage really. Don't put all your faith in it. It's just a technicality until you finally get out of it and into society where you learn everyone's just trying to survive, not trying to do something amazing with their life and if you're willing to work, you're their best friend.

Back to my original thoughts on religious vs non-religious. I don't think anyone takes the bible THAAAAAAAAAT seriously that they're going to condemn gay people and stuff. The bible does say that women belong beneath men and should obey them. I think you have to, just like with all of life, just not worry too much about every little detail being in place. Nobody is perfect. Religions main philosophy is in my view, just that, that we're imperfect and need to remember that, be humble. Well I ain't ghandi so I'm not going to go on too long. I've read some of his writings, he's just great. I love what he's trying to achieve, peace, but all the stuff I've seen in my life has lead me to believe that's impossible. People are animals, and animals fight for survival any way they can, in my view. Even Athiests have to recognize that to be true.