Heh

I forgot about this blog. I've got so much other things on my mind lately. I keep dwelling on shit that doesn't matter now, like how to deal with jerks on the job etc. A job isn't usually complicated, if you find one that isn't a big deal. Looking back, my job at target was a sweet deal. Sure it was a joke because they had us do a ridiculous amount of work for barely any pay, but my boss was hot, I was in doors, the girls working at target were beautiful, and a lot of them in high school still, which makes it fucking hard to know which ones to get with since I don't want to break any laws or nothing... The airport job I didn't want to take, just wanted to go straight into the airforce and stay there till I died. Would have too if they didn't ask me to get married to some bitch there. What a joke... I mean I'm way behind everyone else, that's the problem, maybe some soldiers are dying in the battlefield right now, but they probably have kids, so they're ok with dying since they're immortal now.

So what's bothering me now is that I didn't see the whole "adult world" bit coming. I'm not looking for trouble from anyone, but it would seem some people have nothing else in life but to go around harrassing as many people as possible. That dude at my airport job was a spy sent by the government to keep an eye on me. I could tell as soon as he started playing the bad cop role they do in tv shows. What's bad cop? It's when like you're a suspect of a crime, they bringing in a guy who doesn't give a fuck about you, insults you, treats you like crap. It's why you have to be ballsy to survive in this world. These corporations, industries etc. have people on hand who are willing to rip people apart for the bread and butter. Sucks. And something I personally didn't see coming was that like people in the military expect me to become a big strong manly man after having been raised to surpress that side of me as much as humanly possible. So what do they do? They send a guy who's just this huge football playing marine asshole after me to prove I'm not all that. Never said I was, just want to make a buck like any other guy...

I'm barely hanging on as it is. are all men as sexually frustrated as me? I see other guys and they seem cool and calm. Me, I feel like a drug addict.

I know this much. There are some people out there who WANT young men to be so fucked up about sexuality because they have services and businesses that make money off of "fixing you" whether it be with drugs or whatever. I'm shocked to discover that yeah everybody's ruthlessly telling me to either find a girlfriend "cuz now itz time tur go afta da reel ting!!1" or pop pills. WOW. Thanks buddy! ReallY? It's like time to get a girlfriend? After going through puberty and being taught NOT to fuck girls or I'll end up ruining my life? Because YOU want me to, it's ok. This world...

Not only that, but fucking women in their 20s want to get fucked, not necessarily impregnated but yeah like I've been saying they'll fuck a guy like me up if I'm not one of those normal males who's always trying to rip a girl's panties off. Holy shit. Did I miss something? When did anyone give the go signal on sex? I know I could be having it. But one asshole says wait until marriage. Another says, get it while the getting's good. Only a fool waits...

Sigh... Ah well, I tried quiting masturbation again. I failed of course, and now my head feels all fuzzy and fucked up because the endorphin rush has passed and I'm back to feeling like I need another fix to feel normal. I can't explain it, but yeah I honestly feel like it's impossible to quit. If I try. I dream about girls. I quit last night and immediately I have a dream about a naked white blonde chick. Don't ask... I woke up hard as hell, right. I struggle all day to not masturbate, I try and try and try, I tell myself I lasted all through bmt without dying or anything, I just had my sleep taken away, and it fucked me up... but naw, the whole feeling it gives me is too much to deny and I blow a load, then I sleep a little, wake up, and blow another. Then since I already fucked up, what could it hurt, I go for it again.

And the cycle continues...