Progress Report part 2

It would seem the hydration has had a positive effect on my body, specifically my brain. Usually like I reported weeks ago, it's in a constant state of endorphin craving, but now the water has dampened it to almost painless levels. I still feel that tightness in my head, but it's so much more numb than in the past.

That's all you need in life, imo, water water water, plus whatever food you eat to give your body energy throughout the day, but I'll never go back to soda or those fruit punhc drinks full of sugar again. that's for damn sure.

Can't quit

It's settled. I figured now that i'm more hydrated I'd be more capable of withstanding the urge to masturbate, I was wrong. I don't like to fail. Been afraid of failure all my life ever since I learned my father was a former airman, had to live up to his awesomeness, but this shit is imposssible to beat no matter how hard I try. I see other guys either have girlfriends or hide the fact that they masturbate regularly from everyone.

I don't think it's quitable. Amazingly I look back and realize that I've been masturbating regularly for the past 7 years without much more than a couple days going by when I haven't done it. The longest I've endured being BMT which was nearly 3 months. If there wasn't some fast schedule pushing me through the day, I'd have definitely squeezed off a load in between the shit I was doing. They can fuck me up as much as they want in there, i don't care, this frigging thing is more of a problem than that. Strange, I suppose women are the same way, need to get fucked or they can't go very long without it. Or if they do, they feel down.

Sigh... I think to myself, I'm capable of outsmarting this thing aren't I? It's haarrrd to be smart when your mind is so held back by its primal urges that's for sure. Well at least I've figured out a different method of masturbating, so I don't rub the skin off my dick. I bought a bunch of rubber gloves and just put my dick in it with lotion on it and get to work that way so that I'm all lubricated when it's over rather than cursing myself for once again scarring my penis. It's kind of damaged now because of my original method of masturbating which was to rub my dick on everything, carpet, bedsheets, whatever. I can't do that hand fucking thing I see online so much. It's got to be a certain way.

I think about holly too for some reason. Just every girl I see in porn reminds me of her. There's a lot of similarity between all young women who haven't yet given birth now that I've more mature eyes. Back in hs, girls looks varied from extremely youthful to ripe and ready for child bearing, but now I see girls in their late teens and 20s are all prettymuch the same, primed for birth, and nothing more. They gotta get dick or it's going to be too late... No wonder all they want is the guy with the money.

Indiana Jones

Fuck. I'm thinking about shit right now, just thinking... I'm downloading zelda twighlight princess for gamecube emulator and hd version of toy story. I love toy story, probably the last great classic films we'll see in a long time. I mean, it's a rare gem, when a perfect film comes along. Very few exist. Star Wars is perfect. Back to the future is perfect. What else... Can't remember... Oh and ET. but yeah those movie to me represent films that need nothing to improve them whatsoever. toy story is also one of them.

I love movies like that that just have no dead spots, nearly flawless internal logic, and clever story. Thinking about it today, I'm saddened that a lot of kids first introduction to star wars will be the prequels. But whatever. Just as I realize how dumb those movies were compared to the originals, they will too. I guess... I still have a special place in my heart for crappy ass tv shows that I used to watch growing up. I used my imagination to make power rangers seem better than it was, didn't I, though the movie elevated the whole concept to another level that truly blew my dick off. I remember watching that movie AGAIN AND AGAIN AND AGAIN because just being able to see my heros in a full fledged movie version that wasn't complete shit, was heaven. I watch it now and it's just retarded, sorry. I know too much about good movies I guess to still get excited because the suits were badass. The acting is crap. Billy is shafted. There's not much character moments or interesting drama. If it were up to me, I'd make some deep shakespearian power rangers movie, god damnit.

Ironically that's exactly what motivated lucas and spielberg with indiana jones. They watched shitty serial adventures featuring a dashing swashbuckling hero as kids and as grown ass men wanted to make a legitimately mature version of that shitty shit. Hence INDIANA JONES AND THE SAUCER MEN FROM MARS. I'd have no problem with Kingdom of the Crystal Skull if far superior indiana jones films didn't already exist. How could you have already made great films then decide, FUCK IT, I'll phone this bitch in. The movie is pretty standard 90s spielberg from beginning to end, which is just fucked up. He just made lost world all over again, though at least lost world attempts to be a great spielberg film. Skull is that sequel nobody asked for. I always thought Ford just played Indy in every action movie he ever did after last crusade, so how the hell is his actual interpretation of indy so un-indy in the new movie? He's more like him in air force one than in skull where he's just a grumpy old man talking about finishing college. I'd have preferred they played up his becoming a grumpy old college professor more too but he's like that for five minutes, then it becomes a "look, he's still kind of young enough to pull off being indy, see!" Yeesh. You know how many of these guys exist? Old super smart professors who travel the world on adventures? Why not play up that angle instead? I'd love to see Indy become like a super elite fbi agent who's seen and done it all after he's finished being a young swashbuckler, but no...

Lucas and Spielberg obviously don't care anymore about making great cinema. You got to wonder what happened to turn them from being these hungry artists struggling to create lasting works that would forever be remembered, to these fat money hungry businessmen. Only cameron seems to have avoided their bullshit sensibilities, probably because he's got a true passion for cinema that inspires you to become an artist in the first place. shame on them.

Joining the Army part 3 or whatever

I can't remember which part I'm on anymore, doesn't matter. The problem with joining the military is that for one, you're nothing more than a name tag and a number to them. These guys are wealthy white christian conservatives who kill people in the name of jesus, so be prepared to be very on guard when in their midsts. 2, they're racist, plain and simple. Not all of them, some white girls up in there are insane and love black men for some reason, probably want to be rebellious or something, but for the most part, you won't find much love for black people in the military though if you're willing to get the job done, they won't care that much about skin complexion.

Now that I figured out this water thing, which I think will cure me. My research has revealed that yeah it's medical fact that dehydration causes head aches, in my case my brain probably wasn't getting enough water to it, and the rush of endorphins from masturbating only masked the problem for a short period of time. I've been sleeping better, dreaming, and my brain is actually functioning faster because I've been hydrating myself as much as possible.

So with this newfound knowledge I think I can definitely take on the army bmt or navy, doesn't matter. Problem is that we are at war. Reading about how the mil just killed a bunch of women and children is damn shocking. They use their own kids as a way to get me to feel sorry for them, whoa is their poor white kids because a big scary black man got frustrated with their constant harassment, but then they blast away a bunch of other people's kids like it's nothing. Wow. And the funny thing is that I hate all kids, not just white kids, all of them suck to me.

But nevermind all that. I'm still into the military because it's probably the last place on earth where a man can be a man and not have some crazy psycho feminist bitch telling him a bunch of crap about suppression. Unfortunately I don't know if I want to fight for a country that's blowing up kids and then brushing it off as part of warfare.

Good Lawd

Today will be a day that will live in an infirmary. I mean, uh no, this day is very special...

So from bmt I learned that water can't be drunk in gulps or else the body just pisses it out for some reason. Happened every single fucking time I drank my 8 canteen fulls a day. I drank it really fast since bmt moves fast, then during pt while being directed to do a bunch of exercises I of course pissed myself. I look back now and kick my self in regret for just not giving a shit what my instructors thought. I'm a grown ass man, I shouldn't be begging to take a piss from some asshole guy.

Anyway while in the doctors office part of the training facility a bitch up in there told me that my head ache could be caused by dehydration (yeah right, I thought. I've had this head ache for 3 years, been told to take pills for depression, and it only goes away briefly when I masturbate.)

But no, I want to marry that girl, she was right. I decided my body being older now, it's in need of more water, so all day I've been slowly sipping water from a straw, careful not to over drink it.

I thought it wouldn't work at first, but HOLY H20 BATMAN am I feeling more alive than I have in years, not 100% but the simple act of drinking a few cups of water has nearly eliminated my head ache which I thought I'd never overcome. turns out it was dehydration that caused it all along. How stupid I've been...

So that's the way to play it. If you're smart you'll get rid of soda and sugars from your diet and drink water, properly, not in gulps but little by little. Lady said water leaves your body as fast as you put it into it, and she's damn right about that...

Ronda and Raven

I'm thinking about redoing my old comic story EDEN. I started it in 2001 I think. Just drawing girls for the first time. About this time I couldn't think of anything else. 9 years later, I'm still thinking about it. Like I said I threw it all in the trash once I figured I'd get with a real girl. I thought "what's the point of having the big box of pornography... people will just find it years later, and I can't bring it with me wherever I go." WRONG! as lex luthor would say. I did some of the finest drawings I've ever dones EVER in that whole comic series, shit was ridiculous, angles were outrageous, I had entire like majin buu dudes coming out of girl's breasts... what a series. And I could have scanned it... simple. I only have some very few fragments of it that I capture with my webcam one day. So it stings even more knowing that at the time I did think about capturing the entire thing digitally, but I simply decided not to... My parents even know about it, always have, so what the hell was I trying to hide in the end...

god damn. Well It's all in my head. It's not just porn. I hate porn because there's no intelligence to it and the few hentai with a little bit of brains behind it don't have much. The best one I've read to date being slut girl, it's what inspired ronda. Just as a work of art it's good, then it has a fun enjoyable story, that just happens to feature females naked. My porn, was an attempt to tackle that problem, how usually every hentai's just retarded. I tried to make it realistic in that the story would play out, and simply because Ronda was a hot female she ends up getting raped, but everything had some kind of purpose. Like when galactica inserted ronda into her butt, Ronda now had an opportunity to defeat her by shooting a fireball out her head. It wasn't just, oh she's naked now, fuck fuck fuck, splooge, noooo I had it all make sense as far as what would the character realistically do in that situation.

So I'm currently on the Ronda in The Lost World part. This was where I left off. The EDEN story ends on a cliff hanger. Lena, a converted henchman of Dr. Gero sacrifices herself to destroy the EDEN Android (I drew all of this shit while watching the Android saga of DBZ, so sue me!) and Eve uses her time machine (Yes she's based on trunks...) to evacuate everyone from the nuclear blast that occurs. And it prettymuch ends there. The next step for the story was to take it to years in the future where android edens taken over earth (where eve is from). But I decided to create side stories. They eventually get to the distopian future and all that, but this show called the lost world influenced me to try that out. So the time machine gets broken, and hops through space and time. One place is called "the lost world" it's a forest kind of planet or whatever, (it's the same world as pokemon in my mind) and there's all sorts of weird magical bullshit going on in it. Ronda is completely nude throughout it. I've never done that before. She's always clothed, then she gets her cloths ripped off, this time I'm keeping her naked. It plays into the whole getting back to nature theme as she becomes more linked to her animal heritage. (Saiyan females are based on cows, not monkeys like the males) In the end she gains an upgrade in power and then eve fixes the time machine and they're off to another adventure.

Then there was the final battle. I'd drawn only sketches and potential designs of the baddies. I based EDENs final look on Kate from kate's playground. She's nude but with a necklass and shoes only, and she's learned the animal transformation technique from her mother, so she's able to grow wings similar to a Raven, a reference to my own comic book hero I came up with in 8th grade. It's weird anime type shit, but roll with it, it gets good. So it's like the terminator. The thing that has to happen here is basically defeat android eden who has now prettymuch taken over the earth. Ronda steps aside and allows her daughter to finally fullfill her destiny and beat her evil twin. The battle rages over a volcanic terrain right, it's two godlike women, one looking like an angel, the other like a vampire, and they battle and battle and eventually eden wins, but then android eden pops out of the lava through her own butt hole and tries to pull eden in who is by this time totally exausted and bloody. Ronda and verona meanwhile are fighting each other over somewhere. Verona turns bad again after fusing *yes based on the fusion saga* with older verona who only has one arm, she then achieves super saiyan 4 like ronda, and the two beat each other up pretty darn good. Mean while Eve and her brother Adam (what?) who is also her father (yep, I decided she's an incest baby. See, Adam unknowingly impregnates both Eve and Eden during this chapter making Eve his mother and EDEN the mother of Eve, so awesome) fight with an underground resistance against the bog beasts and shit lead by none other than Linda the robo girl who ronda blew to pieces. She wants revenge. I can't remember how it all ended exactly since I never really totally made it to that chapter of the story. Eden doesn't just beat her though. It's a really tough battle...

I sketched the Jungle Girl character today. I knew I wanted a native to the pokemon lost world planet to save ronda from the rhino man (He's a mystical creature who comes rushing out of the jungle to rape girls if one raises her ass into the air and explose her butt hole, then it's over, you're getting fucked. in the butt. hard.) So ronda doesn't know this and she puts her ass in the air, and the dude slams her ass into a tree and she's taken by surprise, then jungle girl takes a passed out ronda back to her camp. She then explains to ronda that she was foolish to expose her back side. and then goes on to tell her about how to survive in the strange world and that she may be the chosen one who will defeat the Raven king. Its weird, but bear with me. So jungle girl and ronda venture out into the woods to find the road to the Raven king or whatever. Then they meet Mya, crazy cat bitch, I love her character a lot. She's a clown, hates the jungle girl who always spoils her fun. The two fight then mya tricks the jungle girl into showing her butt hole and rhino man rips her ass up. It is then that her mask comes off and it is revealed that the jungle girl is actually Verona, Ronda's old nemesis. Mya tells ronda not to worry about her and then the two go into the quest to find the king.

Raven king is the father of Mya, who has been banished from the kingdom. Mya offers him ronda in hopes of being returned to former good standing. He accepts ronda as a sex slave and tells his daughter to stay out of trouble. Mya's mother is a bunny girl, the queen. She hates ronda but accepts that her husband is in charge and has many concubines.

as you can see the whole lost world chapter is about animals of various kinds. So ronda learns that there are mystical artifacts called the golden nipples and that only a certain girl can access the doorway to them. They think ronda is the key. Using complicated method they get to the golden nipples. Ronda fights the bunny bitch over them. Mya kicks her mother's ass at the last minute and tells ronda to put on the golden nipples. Ronda gets the nipples and they give her great milk squirting ability which she uses to re-energize herself and she saves the day. With her new powers she becomes more in tune with her cowlike origin and without using any saiyan powers beats the raven, and she returns home with greater sense of what she can do with her much plumper tits. From this point forward she always has bigger boobs which signifies she's achieved greater power levels.

While all that shit's going on, Eve is having a hell of a time at a gladiator tournament she's been forced into. She also meets verona in disguise. A running theme. Ronda in one place yet meets verona, and eve in another and meets verona too. Verona meanwhile is getting fucked up as well. She's gets wizard blasted into a magical realm where she fights different versions of herself, ss1, ss2, ss3, jade princess (her original name), then she finds the Sword of athena, sword that can cut through anything. And from then on she defeats a dragon with it, and dissapears...

Just typing about it makes me want to do it again. This time better. But it hurts knowing that I threw a lot of really good drawings in the trash. It's like that time when I spent hours doing an animation of ronda vs verona in that gif animator program, then the computer froze. It's from terrible experience that I learned to ALWAYS save a project. I then redid the animation, and to my surprise it came out better than the original, but it sucks ass that the original is gone forever. Same shit, different year.

Heh

I forgot about this blog. I've got so much other things on my mind lately. I keep dwelling on shit that doesn't matter now, like how to deal with jerks on the job etc. A job isn't usually complicated, if you find one that isn't a big deal. Looking back, my job at target was a sweet deal. Sure it was a joke because they had us do a ridiculous amount of work for barely any pay, but my boss was hot, I was in doors, the girls working at target were beautiful, and a lot of them in high school still, which makes it fucking hard to know which ones to get with since I don't want to break any laws or nothing... The airport job I didn't want to take, just wanted to go straight into the airforce and stay there till I died. Would have too if they didn't ask me to get married to some bitch there. What a joke... I mean I'm way behind everyone else, that's the problem, maybe some soldiers are dying in the battlefield right now, but they probably have kids, so they're ok with dying since they're immortal now.

So what's bothering me now is that I didn't see the whole "adult world" bit coming. I'm not looking for trouble from anyone, but it would seem some people have nothing else in life but to go around harrassing as many people as possible. That dude at my airport job was a spy sent by the government to keep an eye on me. I could tell as soon as he started playing the bad cop role they do in tv shows. What's bad cop? It's when like you're a suspect of a crime, they bringing in a guy who doesn't give a fuck about you, insults you, treats you like crap. It's why you have to be ballsy to survive in this world. These corporations, industries etc. have people on hand who are willing to rip people apart for the bread and butter. Sucks. And something I personally didn't see coming was that like people in the military expect me to become a big strong manly man after having been raised to surpress that side of me as much as humanly possible. So what do they do? They send a guy who's just this huge football playing marine asshole after me to prove I'm not all that. Never said I was, just want to make a buck like any other guy...

I'm barely hanging on as it is. are all men as sexually frustrated as me? I see other guys and they seem cool and calm. Me, I feel like a drug addict.

I know this much. There are some people out there who WANT young men to be so fucked up about sexuality because they have services and businesses that make money off of "fixing you" whether it be with drugs or whatever. I'm shocked to discover that yeah everybody's ruthlessly telling me to either find a girlfriend "cuz now itz time tur go afta da reel ting!!1" or pop pills. WOW. Thanks buddy! ReallY? It's like time to get a girlfriend? After going through puberty and being taught NOT to fuck girls or I'll end up ruining my life? Because YOU want me to, it's ok. This world...

Not only that, but fucking women in their 20s want to get fucked, not necessarily impregnated but yeah like I've been saying they'll fuck a guy like me up if I'm not one of those normal males who's always trying to rip a girl's panties off. Holy shit. Did I miss something? When did anyone give the go signal on sex? I know I could be having it. But one asshole says wait until marriage. Another says, get it while the getting's good. Only a fool waits...

Sigh... Ah well, I tried quiting masturbation again. I failed of course, and now my head feels all fuzzy and fucked up because the endorphin rush has passed and I'm back to feeling like I need another fix to feel normal. I can't explain it, but yeah I honestly feel like it's impossible to quit. If I try. I dream about girls. I quit last night and immediately I have a dream about a naked white blonde chick. Don't ask... I woke up hard as hell, right. I struggle all day to not masturbate, I try and try and try, I tell myself I lasted all through bmt without dying or anything, I just had my sleep taken away, and it fucked me up... but naw, the whole feeling it gives me is too much to deny and I blow a load, then I sleep a little, wake up, and blow another. Then since I already fucked up, what could it hurt, I go for it again.

And the cycle continues...

Alicia Ayers

My long lost love.

I have to say finding her on myspace has rattled me intensely. I truly never loved anyone more than I loved her. So reading about how many guys she's fucked makes me want to kill someone. Now more than ever do I understand exactly what makes a soldier want to run into certain death. Love is a powerful drug.

I think about the days when I was in 8th grade trying to sum up the courage to talk to her, and wow man, that was it right there, the cross road when my life took the dive into shit that it's been in since. I bailed, man. That's all. I was 13, right. I'd started puberty to some degree, got interested in alicia as more than just another stupid girl, but as a sexy girl, gorgeous body, fit and she was a cheerleader so she was flexible.

But I didn't have a good home life, so what was I going to bring her to anyway. But yeah all my passion for anything, be it science, math, history, and art, was so that I could finally be with her again. I worked hard to become strong in school hoping I'd meet up with her again by the graces of god, whatever that means. Life didn't have that in mind though and ultimately I lost... simply lost... because she was gone. The airforce though a dream I'd had since childhood means nothing next to getting with her, nothing... They asked me what was holding me back. lol... oh is it that hard to see? She's my other half, I'm nothing more than incomplete puzzle without her.

She's my age now. Her body is even better looking now though i'd have liked to have seen her teenage body, but good god is she in great shape. Still has that chubby face, perfectly plump ass, long curvy legs, not much in the boob area, but I can live with that. Damn I sound creepy as hell typing about some girl I don't really know. Sure we've known each other since kindergarten but that's long in the past.

The future's all I have left now. What the hell am I going to do, i wonder...

Women hate men

I realize something. I go out sometimes. Today I went looking for a job at a workforce 1. a bunch of douche bag fuckwads get paid to pretend they know what they're doing up in them places. They have quotas to meet, finding certain numbers of people x amounts of jobs, and they'll get rewarded, but it's a cushy sit on your ass job so I can see why the people there love what they do. Try any other actual hard labor job like construction or whatever and tell me working in an office isn't the shit. I'd love that if I could get it. Funnily enough I realize too that a lot of people online think the internet should be like work, where if you step a toe out of line, you can get fired or written up by your supervisor. I mean I'm no one to talk, but the internet has never been and never will be a hieracy like a work site where you have men and women who are overseeing the whole show and deciding who deserves to do what. But I already know some people online are fucking stupid as fuck.

Anyway my point, I grew up raised by pretty decent women, the only ones being unreasonably cruel being my own mother who tried her darndest to convince me that I'd end up a rapist. Great parenting, eh. Well I'm a man in a lot of women's eyes now, which means I'm supposed to be on my own and trying to get their panties off by now. Ya see, it's like this. Even though I can get a job right now and a big tittied fat assed female can be my boss and tell me how to do my job, it's still MY duty to be a man, ask them out when they flirt with you, bring her to my apartment, fuck her brains out, then forget it ever happened like they want. Sabrina frato was like this. She had this little mouth that still looked stained from the cum she just drank the night before, she's that much of a whore, but then she flips the switch immediately to being a big badass man who doesn't need any help with anything. I hate women like this. It's OK to be a female, you idiots. I'm tired of how when they want to get fucked, women act girly, then when they want boss you around at work, they pretend their dick's bigger than yours.

I know this though. They gotta get dick. Ain't no debating it. nothing a bitch loves more than a big muscular man's man who can fuck them hard core. Seems to me that they put on a show of hostility to weed out the weak men from the strong ones. No one told me this but it's true. my own niece is doing it, acting like a bitch just to see if any potential mates can take a hit and not flinch. Stupidness... they don't even realize that's precisely why they're not getting fucked. We don't want nothng to do with bitches. What kind of wife are you going to be if you act like that all the damn time?

Big titties

Two beautiful words. Barack Obama likes his wife's big titties, must lick the nipples every night and eat out her pussy hole, biting on the flaps and everything.

So relaxing

Gotta say masturbating ain't too bad. I started at 16, been doing it ever since. It calms me down like if I were to smoke a cig or something. I don't panic or feel anxious. I forget all about my problems. It's my bodies way of accepting reality in that life must end at some point, so that new life must begin. So be it. I don't want no damn kids though, they're ugly. I saw a little girl today and good grief I was kind of taken for a loop I'd not seen a real deal kid in a long time. she's so happy, I don't know why though, this world's a crappy place.

*shakes head* whatever. What was I going to say.

Ah,, the "adult world" as they call it. What is it? It's a place ruled by those who had some awesome sex one night, then got a girl pregnant and now they have to feed their pups. I'll be damned, never really knew older people were all like one big mob of parents and yeah if you ain't on their side, fuck off is all you'll be told. technically I have my rights to do what I want to do to, but naw, people with kids make all the rules buddy, you be damn sure of that. It's just weird to have a bunch of religious nutters telling me how to live a good life, really pissing me off in the end. It's just because I'm black. These guys don't want me to to end up one of "those dumb niggers" so they want to convince me to become all smart and shit and speak articulately cuz datz wut meks u smart. It's a lot more complicated than that. People unfortnatley because of the media have been given this false perception that rich white christian conservatives are the ideal kind of people, granted they rule the world and if you want to get a good job, suck their cocks hard, but no, there's all kinds of different white people of various religious belief systems, sexualities, all sorts of crap that throughout history has led to a lot of blood shed. This country was founded by white people who got sick of being told what to do by other white people, and then they went ahead and decided to enslave blacks cuz we all know we hate people bossing us around. We humans suck.

naw not goin

Not going to the interview, just doesn't seem worth the effort. I'm kind of tired right now anyway. something that's just remarkable to me though is to realize that a bunch of jesus freaks rule the country. Sad but true. Why I wonder, why, why, why do these guys think they own the joint. Something's afoot that kind of scares me. Like when I'm truly alone against them, maybe at college, maybe at work, who's going to give a crap when they want to fuck me up.

no one.

Cooooooooooooooool

gots me a job interview. Lady on the phone says since I'm former military I'm even more qualified than a lot of people. lol like I actually did anything, but I do know how to shoot a gun, and all about the chain of command, so maybe I do have some good qualifications... should be interesting, excellent. If this job doesn't work out, I'll just join another branch again. The beauty of the mil is that you can either kill people or take out the trash, they don't give a fuck. I took out the trash btw. They wanted me to be like all intelligent and shit in there but I was fine with sweeping the floor, didn't bother me...

yep relapsed

sex is a hell of a drug. No wonder so many people exist, we ain't stopping now, aint stopping never.

I honestly don't give a damn anymore. Thing is this, during bmt i didn't masturbate the whole time, amazing, longest i've ever gone without it too. It sucked, and when I got back from it, i shot my load harder than I had in years. I mean it squirted out my dick and onto my arm i'd been that full of the people cream.

Sigh... it's over, just going to have to live with this shit.

Fags

I am now about 8 or so days in since I quit masturbating. Like with any drug you get addicted to, my mind is trying its darnedest to convince me that if I don't blow a load I'll never feel good again. I know cognitively that it's not real, it's an illusion created by my brain to make me want to get that high it misses.

Stupidly I think about the internet as if its my beginning and end. One thing that bothers me a lot is that yeah the people who hate and condemn me ARE similarly transfixed on sex, slaves to it just the same. The only thing that seems to make a difference is that I'm black and they're white, fucking their girlfriends night and day, which is fine, but don't take it out on me because I'm not following the same course you are. You decided to fuck out of wedlock, or perhaps you decided to get married then procreate, that doesn't give you the right to boss me around. But yeah these very happy drunk with lust white kids in their teens and twenties are taking pot shots at me omg he wants to teks our wimmen. Shut up. You've got a lot of growing up to do, as do I. Sex is nothing to joke around with, it's a big ass deal, changes everything about you and your whole life, so don't just weild it like a weapon against other races like you know what you're doing with it. Do you want to deal with a crying baby at 2 in the morning? Labor? The actual raising of children, not so simple. I keep seeing too many women who love having a baby, then they hate having the person who it turns into, good grief, you asked for it idiot. Don't have kids unless you really want them and have done your best to prepare for it. Don't piss on me because you don't like me being around your kids that you stupidly allow to watch porn day and night on the internet like it's a good idea.

What's more, I realize now that the law doesn't matter. There is no set age when one "should" finally be ready to have sex. The issue is too complex and too many people disagree. All I know is that at my age, a lot of older people who perhaps have ten kids already, want to actually FORCE me to get with someone NOW after I did what I was taught to do and actually stayed away from girls all throughout high school. Stupid right, because the guy who was fucking all those four years is now my boss. lovely. You got to get the experience out of the way before getting too old to start, got to say, don't impregnate a girl, just rub her body and squeeze her ass, and motorboat her titties, and get the feel of it, then when you're ready to go condomless, go for it.

Anyway, my bad, I get a little too emotional. I got to find something to take my mind off tits and ass. So I'm watching some gay porn as usual. I am just bowled over that these dudes like doing this stuff. I guess they're getting paid for it? I don't know. Truth is there's a lof of people in this world, some are stable (which is defined as being a functioning human being who gets their job done etc.) and others who the fuck knows what's wrong with them...

A child of two worlds

I'm getting older, more than I ever thought I would actually... never really thought I'd make it to my 20s, they're the same as my teens so what's so great about it... I don't know. I think about getting a girlfriend and how awesome that would be every waking second. One thing that's kind of interesting is how my white features are more pronounced the older I get. I'm everything, asian, white, black, probably some spanish in there too. People don't know what race I am most of the time, and now I can see why. as I get older my facial features are becoming sharper like white people's. My skin used to be white in fact, but then the sun got to it. lol.

So it's kind of weird to like be black but not really be black black. I'm going to have it easier than a guy who's as dark as my sister's boyfriend, which is ass backwards because he's a very good classy person, but that's the world we live in.

Now I get why white girls aren't too put off by me. It makes sense. I'm like part of their world a little bit any way. Technically I'm superior to both whites and blacks, but I won't go down that road, human's human... and the best looking girls I've ever seen are mixed race ones like adriana lima. all their strengths and none of their weaknesses baby!

What ta doooo

Got to think about the future. I'm going to be around a while ya know. I finished doing what I planned to in life back in 05, see the last star wars film. Sounds stupid in hind sight since the movie sucked and it's just a movie and I should have been getting pussy instead, but yeah here I am, my mission accomplished, and star wars is behind me. I have no reason to exist.

Knowsbleed or someone who looked like him told me to go to college since one of the airforce officers went when he was 28. God ya know I keep talking about the airforce but my dad is right, I really should forget about the experience. It was an opportunity that if I'd taken it, I'd have been playing into someone elses schemes, someone who doesn't care if I go waltzing off a cliff. So college is highschool 2.0 really. It's how do I put it, a safe haven away from the real world. I've been in the real world for the last 5 years or so, and it's basically an anything goes free for all, man against man battle to the death. And women too though I don't know why women want to leave the kitchen to take on society, except for the fact that they can get away with anything since they make babies in their tummies.

Survival of the fittest. I don't like college though even though yes if you have a degree you get to sit on your ass all day telling people what to do. I just really don't like that it's not only ok, get edumacated lolz, but also a trap. They want to stick a bunch of young guys like me in a room with some young girls and see if I'll try to get with her, so that if or when we fall in love we both stupidly pursue degrees so we can build a life together. I'll be damned, that's how they play it. And then they'll cast you out if you don't conform and try to get fucked for the first time in your dorm room using a condom. I'll be damned again, really that's all it's about, a more legal I guess form of sex education. Oh and what's more, jokes on you because you're already smart enough to earn a decent wage, college doesn't actually provide you anything substantial beyond a very hefty debt and a feeling of accomplishing something although you'll end up in a cubicle, with a boss you hate. LOLS.

Tale of two titties

So I'm totally getting hammered here in the sense that my mind is focused on one thing and one thing only, boobs, curves, the smooth skin of a young virginal female. I can't deny this is fucking me up to no end. I read a blog once where a guy talked about how not masturbating gave him extra life force or something. It makes sense. Releasing semen is releasing life, as it's our only method of becoming immortal, in the sense that we bond with a female and make a new person. Of course it would drain you of your own life force somewhat.

Back in high school, I drew ronda comics all the time. Good shit. I did it because it got me going sexually, that's all. Looking back, I'm kind of sickened that the instructors at these high schools are really just big fukin kids obsessed with sex like me, only their life depends on getting the job done and forcing a bunch of youngsters to study a bunch of shit they'll forget in a couple years. But it keeps them out of the way and maybe there's one or two super smart kids who'll be a great asset to the corporate machine one day, that's all it's for I realize now.

While in the mil for a minute, yeah some really young guy, probably one of these elite minds, basically laid it out that he doesn't give a fuck about me beyond my productivity and use to whatever grand master plan there is for the next generation. It's still that way. Adults it would appear prettymuch play "who's toughest" to see who deserves to lead the pack, and the leader dictates much like in a dictatorship. America works that way too only we have little suggestion boxes hanging on walls that allow us mere mortals to get a word in to the elites who control society. I hope that whoever is in charge is looking out for our best interests since having seen what kind of goofball jock douche bag bible thumpers running the military, I'm kind of no longer blinded by optimism.

Fact is this. We're all dead. The moon is slowly drifting away from the earth, and when it does leave its orbit, earth is done. YES YOU READ THAT RIGHT, CHILDREN, WE ARE SCREWED. It's going to happen long after I'm dead, for sure, but sigh.... what to do to avoid our fate, I wonder... So all this war is retarded as shit to me. who the hell cares about the here and now. The future of humanity is really not like all that bright unless someone dedicates more funding to scientific research. This is what worries me more than anything. I feel like mua dib in that dune shit, it's kind of freaky knowing that despite all our efforts to have children and protect them, we're just going to be tossing them into a world that's slowly and surely fucked in the long run.

Alright that's enough random thoughts...

Sabrina Frato's plump bootay

I'm eating broccoli now. I keep thinking about sabrina frato though. She's that girl who let me touch her breasts, very interesting experience since I don't know much about breasts or whatever. I mean I used to be surrounded by them every day then out of the clear blue I finally get to feel some. Then I read on forums that girls like getting their breasts felt up, what a shock to me. I don't know... I wanted to do all that sex stuff for so long and still want to, but what the hell can I do to get to that point I wonder without having any money. So she's a slut right. I knew it immediately after first meeting her. She had this look like she's had a million orgasms, she had body tatoos, seen her type before a thousand times, and she's a bit of a bitch cuz she took a shot at my ego that one time when I made a witty remark.

So I had some gay porn out on my computer today. I like watching gay porn because it intrigues me, I don't know how a man could want to fuck a dude in the butt hole, but there it is, a guy swallowing another man's dick and a guy getting it in the butt from some guy, must be what gets them off, so whatever. My mom who I haven't spoken to all friggin week then comes out of my room when I come back upstairs and starts going crazy calling me a faggot and shit, and that she'll remove the internet if that's all I watch. This really took me off guard and I didn't have time to reason out my response to her outbursts so I got defensive which I shouldn't have because she already knows I'm all about ass and titties, must never have seen gay porn before lol. Well I'll be damned, are women that fearful of gays or that they won't find any real men anymore? Wtf. I don't get it cuz if I express my deep passion for beautiful females, I'm going to be skewered, called a horndog. Like I said before it's not rich white men gay people have to be afraid of, it's women. Women HATE homosexuality because sex is THAT good to them. Also Women, mostly white women, hate black guys for the most part because they don't want to be infected by blackness. Women are ruthless and insane.

I never knew this when I was little. Girls were the same, and I admired their intelligence more than anything. It wasn't until I met alicia that I fell in love with their bodies. She was stupid as hell, but she was my girl ya know, didn't matter who she was or if she had a fat friend. I'm still into her ya know... but shit, truth is she won't have anything to do with a dude as broke as me. Gotta make that money if you want to get the honey.

Getting girls pregnant

Something I never thought about before. I ain't having children, going to train my body to live without ejaculating because I don't much care for bringing innocent kids into this horrible world, and I mean horrible, I don't understand why we have to be all crazy in this world, I just don't... If I had it my way I'd make it so we'd just enjoy our lives as much as possible.

I mean dizamn what the hell is going on with all the abstinence only stuff. I get it now. Sex isn't just fun time happiness for a little bit. It's creating people and to do that, girls have to go through hard labor. So a lot of fathers worship women because it's a difficult thing to do, giving birth.

damn, I ain't never doing that though, never.

Progress report

I've lost maybe a few pounds thanks to going vegitarian. I'm already thin because of my stay in the military where I worked out every single day, all part of the brainwashing, they got to keep ya busy down there. It's only now that I've been back for a few months that my body's getting used to being lazy as shit. Thinking back on it, really the only thing that saved me from not collapsing from the physical strain every day was my youthfulness. I still had the same muscles I"d worked hard all my life to build up to that point so it wasn't hard to get them back in gear for the physical stuff. So the airforce wasn't worried about that, it was my willingness to get married that pissed them off. Littled did I know but yeah the world's run by married people and if you're not with them, you don't matter, so it kind of surprised me is all that that's how things are. Like if I got married, they'd have backed off of me and treated me like a full grown ass man with power and prestige. Sure I'm legally an adult, but naw, the only true adults in this society are people who've fucked. Even if they're 15, it changes you forever once you've done it for real and not just with a playboy. Like when I was going to school, and got interested in holly, my thoughts and everything changed to wanting to protect and love her forever, that kind of stuff. So I understand it, but the stuff I don't want to deal with is the way women can strip a man clean of all his money these days, not a great incentive to go getting hitched no matter how you slice it.

sigh, well that's it. I want to join the army but I'm kind of scared to since I really don't like how people think of me as a piece of meat they can use to either study ridiculously hard and school and therefore become a better employee to the corporation or good enough dick for some latina bitch just popping out of no where and rubbing her titties on my arm. I'm not a kid. Remarkably I've been around for a long time on this planet so ya know it kind of disturbs me more than anything that much older people keep treating me as if I should be in high school still, which I'm forever greatful I'll never have to do again, but yeah the whole romance with young girls thing is something I can't revisit and now I'm unfortunately unprepared to do any of that even though girls my age have already been around the block in that regard. And that's precisely what trips people up about me, they don't even understand how someone can go for so long without sex nor how he can think of living his life without it. That's me though, I'm who I am, and I know my rights to be me in this country, so you can't just drop a hot girl in front of me and expect me to be like a horny 15 year old looking to pull her pants down and squeeze her titties. Unfortunately maybe I am the only real man left in this world now that I think about it, because I'm thinking more about what I'm going to do with my life than fucking girls....

I mean I can't even express it clearly, but yes I am a man, not a child, no matter what the military wants to make me think. It's insulting when I was in there how one minute they say "wow you never had a girlfriend." then call me a child, then tell me to get married and grow up, but that's people, they don't know what they're doing.

Ooooooooooh yeah

blew two loads off to amber fox. She's like a mean little porche of a girl, goddamn... Not only does she have beautiful milk makers, but the ass is just sweet and smooth like whaley's down at lackland. Goddamn, wouldn't mind marrying that if marriage wasn't such a waste of time these days.

Here yall go http://www.dailymotion.com/video/x4r5hd_amber-fox-boobs_sexy

Hot ass girl I tell ya. And I love when she shakes here titties then looks down at them with love in her eyes. Love for all the wonderful things she can do with them!

I've resolved to the mindset that defeating masturbation is like defeating pissing or shitting, or breathing, not going to happen. It's just incredibly sad that this society for whatever reason tries to instill in teenagers that there's such a thing as really holding your breath indefinitely. My body wants to procreate, like it's supposed to, there's nothing wrong with that. I feel a sense of being at peace with death even when I shoot my load. Why, because I'm not really dead, I'm still alive in some form.

The question is who do you want to go becoming immortal with, and don't even get me started on the complex politics associated with that. I realize if you're black, you're in trouble because trying to get some white pussy will be considered getting an upgrade to a lot of people. Nevermind that there's no stopping sexuality, it's like a, yeah, a military, big testosterone fueled military. I realize that everything we do in life is for sex now. There's no religious belief or whatever behind why we do anything. We want to fuck till kingdom come, so we built this society the way it is, so we can have a nice place to fuck.

We get a job so we can get that hot ass. And on and on and on. I mean it always made sense to me to get a girlfriend and become the manly protector of her and rub my face into her titties, and do all that good shit, so I don't see why schools like to impress upon us that we're better off denying our primary goal. It won't end. It's like the hulk's powers, he represents men's unstoppable sexual potency in the end. It's both good and bad unfortunately. On one hand he's badass and can't be stopped, on the other hand if he goes crazy with it, he kills people who didn't start shit with anybody.

Speaking of gay

The last time I masturbated was thursday. What was I doing, I was horny like I am now. I'd been looking at nude chicks on my comp for quite a while, not white chicks either, but ridiculously big boobed black girls, cuz I like to think I'm sucking on their breasts, but I don't know... I decided to make things more interesting this time. Orgasming feels good for like a few seconds then it stops feeling good at all right afterwards. I used to just rub my dick on the couch and that'd send me to heaven alone, then the resulting explosion of semen would be the icing on the cake. I then started drawing porn regularly. Just drawing every curve of the female body made me feel great. I didn't need to ejaculate. I loved loved loved drawing girls. Then I got the internet, a more advanced version with kazaa and stuff. It was then that I learned of anal sex. Oh what is this... I downloaded a clip of a woman being fucked in the ass by a dick so big it hurt her. Right on! I loved it. She's all happy to get it in the butt, then it actually goes in and she's like "ohh wait! slow down." Cool. That's women for you, happily getting fucked in the ass. So I kinda got curious about it too, anal sex. I didn't want to be gay, just wanted to know the taste of it, so yeah one day while masturbating I put my finger tip in my butt. It was interesting and new sensation that actually DID elevate the orgasm. After that I did it all the time until I got worried that I actually was gay. Then my god it was hard to quit anal stimulation. I felt gay for a long time about it until i learned that that's an actual masturbation technique, and you're not necessarily gay if you stimulate the rectum before orgasm. I still love hot young women, there's no changing that. I look at my porn pics and immediately my dick shoots up at the sight of a pussy these days. In fact I've never really wanted to taste or touch or lick a girl's vagina until now at 23. I've always looked at them in an idealistic sense, not a real flesh and blood and potential baby making sense, but damnit if I'm not looking around girls on the street and seeing them as pieces of meat I can use to make a little me with. Must be nature taking its course. Still I'm just saying I've been there that's all. I know why gays are gays. I've been down that road, but women are still my number one interest no matter what.

gay gay gay

slashfilm banned me. Like damn, didn't expect that. And I didn't even post much, it's just that these internet cops and now the military want me dead. I think sometimes it's racism, like I listen to the podcasts and they love to mock ebonics as if speaking urban style makes you stupid. And of course some of the goofball white kids online are taking aim at me for being a 'cancer' to their perfect utopian internet, which it isn't, but that's not my concern. If I wasn't already in a pickle, now I'm banned from talking shit about movies and such after my porn binges. It's all politics. I realize long ago you can't please everybody on the internet, so I just say what I honestly think without trying to manipulate people and it doesn't fit what people expect or want to hear, so there ya go, banned. No big concern to me.

What's killing me right now is my continued battle with my porn addiction. I'm in the withdrawal stage now.

I love how we can figure out that the sun will explode in 5 billion years but GOD FORBBID we solve our own issues with sex and sex education for young people. How is that you can bring a child screaming into this terrible world, then prettymuch ignore their basic bodily functions then when they're an adult reeeeeeeeeeeally not give a damn if they are in good health or not. Like if I was an airman right now, they'd care if I felt free of my sexual tension only if it helped me work harder, sad but true.

Anyway the new last airbender trailer's out. Movie looking like a live action version of avatar the last airbender, what else could it be. I don't even care about that show anymore though. It's good but it's really not THAT good, and there are much more impressive actual anime toons that deserve to be turned into live action, like cowboy beebop, gundam, naruto. It's a shame those haven't been picked up. Dragonball sadly didn't win anyone over to more anime-to-film transfers. I'll see the movie in theaters because I personally love the characters and all that stuff, but the tv series had its ups and downs and ends predictably on a happy side. it'd have been more interesting if they had zuko not turn good etc. it's like oh he's struggling with whether to be a good guy or a bad guy seeking revenge, I wonder which he'll become in the end... oh he's NOT being a asshole anymore. ....meh. I hope the movie version does something new with it. Don't get me wrong, it's a good show but it's like an anime series in a lot of ways. Some episodes are genius, others you can tell they weren't trying as hard.

Going Green

I'm going green niggas. And by that I mean vegetarian.

I'm thinking that'll not only help me lose a lot of weight but make me feel better. I feel awful, and not just oh I'm horny, gotta get dat pussy feeling, I mean no energy, no life, fucking lame man.

But I had some brocolli with cheese a few minutes ago and it was actually quite pleasant. I've never eaten anything but fattening foods and sugary drinks and it took its toll on my teenage body, making me completely unable to get cut muscles although I tried vigorously every day to get in great shape. No doubt it's why I have great muscle strength now and very good agility, but I can say confidently that not eating right caused me to be too heavy to really move fast.

Veggies clean out your system I've read. Makes ya shit nice and smooth when it comes out too. None of that brick shit or in some cases liquid magma. Nice and smooth and thick.