So long...

Not long now. So here I am at last... What a journey its been. I'm finally going to do what I've dreamed of doing since childhood days. I'm 23, going to be traveling the world, hopefully being a positive influence on people and doing good things with my life I have left. I've done a lot of wrong that I wish I could just erase but it'll never be gone. i'll remember it forever. Truth is, I don't even know who I am outside of the web. When I went to college I did it out of curiosity more than a deep desire to finish and be given an easier life. I need it now having seen just how beneficial it is. But at the same time i feel that the worlds changed and all these old ways of learning are starting to be less effective and necessary. For instance, I'll be trained in computers in the mil. Now what if I finished up college with a degree in psych? While the devry grads in computer programming would be licking up jobs left and right since those guys are needed, I'd be struggling to pay off my loans and all while trying to find jobs as a psychologist or somethig like that.

Then there's just plain screw it all gosh darn, Jesus Christ. I believe in Jesus, but it's hard to keep the faith when I'm out there and I got people pushing me around and it's like if I push back, I'm the bad guy. Really we all are evil bastards. Thank God for children. They truly keep us from acting like big dumb stupid beasts because as adults it's our job to care for them.

Let this be my final post and lastly a message of hope for the future to all who have been reading. Life will test you but if you keep your faith strong, do what's right in your heart, there will never be any man who can break you down completely. God Bless you all. And i mean that.

ooooooooooh man

I'm feeling bad. I'm preparing for what's called a "worse case scenario" in which I'd need to abstain from masturbating for long periods of time. This is day 1. When I stop masturbating my mind is filled with sexual thoughts. I walk around and I see hot young women and yes those stupid high school girls, and I get horny. When does it end? I'm so done with this nonsense and want to relax and get back to feeling ordinary, but it's not happening. One thing I'm glad I discovered though is that Girls are the same way. When a lot of them see you looking all hunky, they get hot and horny too. I honestly never knew this. I didn't think girls liked guys at all in this way but truth be told, a big manly man will make their head spin.

Funny ass thing being a 23 year old virgin. One minute everyone's up your ass trying to get you to not think about sex, think about studies, then next you're being pressured to pop that cherry, stop being selfish and start giving girls a good time out there... Shoot, you think I WANT to be this way? I hate the system. If you're around 17, get that stuff over with. Nobody cares once you hit 18 and are still a virgin. They just expect you to work some mindless job or go to college and sit around all day waiting for corporate to snatch you up. This world's a big joke, kids.

Sigh... still I'm going to be fine and I know it. I'll get through basic. I'll go to tech school and maybe meet a girl there, who knows... Airforce girls are amazing! AMAZING! oh my god, they're not ugly. I can't believe I got this lucky. White girls are awesome, I must say. Never been so close to them before but they're kind of sexier than I thought they'd be and they always show their legs. Oh well let me stop thinking outloud on here.

I'm at a crossroad. I want to get in touch with my old gal pal from kindergarten but she's changed so much over the years, and she probably doesn't want shit to do with a first timer, and holly who the hell knows what she's all about now, and me, I'm just starting to learn to walk again as far as getting my life back on track is concerned. I ain't done yet... Whoever wrote the book on aging needs to re-evaluate exactly WHEN a man becomes a man because it certainly isn't at 18. When he has a secure career, money, sex life, knows who he is inside and out, THAT'S when a man is a man in my view. And that's what women want, a Man, not some scrappy kid off the street looking for a quick screw. Someone to have kids with, someone to love, someone to love them.

shrugs, I'm on my way...

Holly Gilingham

What to say... she's my cousin's best friend, or former best friend, whatever. We went to school together every day back in 2004. I liked her. Not the way I liked Alicia, but she was a good girl, smart, not bad on the eyes. Still the killer for me was her age. She was 14 and I was 17. I'd never been around girls much back then so I didn't know what the best age ranges were for a relationship. I thought about it a lot, she was definitely single same as me, but I didn't think I was good enough for her and the age difference really messed me up since I don't want to go to jail for pedo stuff....

Well she's 20 now. in college. Sigh... It's been 5 years, 5 long years since I last saw her. No doubt she's been around the block, probably a completely different person now. My cousin's certainly changed now that she's a wife and mother. I was absolutely floored by that revelation. I thought she'd end up married later on or something not so soon...

Still I'm so confused. One minute I'm thinking about the mil, which I'm SO scared of doing, but determined to succeed in or *shrugs* go back to my blue collar nothing life, and now I have Alicia on myspace, Holly in NY somewhere, tons of airforce women who will go nuts for a man in uniform... I'm just losing my mind from it a little bit. I NEVER thought I'd have this many girls to choose from at my whim. How strange... I guess it does pay to be patient. I'll have to move quickly though. IF I finish basic and tech and get settled, i'll definitely consider all this courting stuff. I realized too late that girls LIKE being chased by boys. So here I am trying to get my shit together enough to start doing it myself...

God help me.

Aaaaaaaaaaaaah

Today was fun I must say. I went go karting. I really enjoyed doing it since it felt like I was in a pilot, on a mission. I get the feeling this is all to get me to become accustomed to doing fighter pilot missions, but that's more of a pipe dream than anything else. Officers are the only pilots. I'm a dude who's still a virgin. An arrogant dick on top of that. I did love conquering the other drivers I must say. It's a part of my personality to be driven to be the best. I kind of feel like that's been built in me from the beginning as if the gov has been watching me all these years to see how I'd develope. it only makes sense that they'd want to make me who I am so that they can get the best weapon possible. I'm so confused though about how this all came to be. When I get into the mil, it won't be, how should I put this, a simple trip to the candy store. They will push me to my limits and beyond since they can't afford to have a soldier who isn't fully prepped for battle. If I'm not nearly perfect, in excellent condition, top shape both mentally and physically, it's over. I'm done. Im so scared but true enough if my father made it through, so will I. I just don't understand HOW or WHY he ended up this crazy dude as a result. Life makes people crazy anyway you slice it. God I pray you are there to give me and everyone of my team mates a safe and efficient boot camp that will transform us into MEN worthy of all the great women in this world.

strange... I feel like it's about to get interesting in the next 9 days... I'll call up my cousin and see if I can meet that holly girl she talked about. I might as well. I'm about to go through hell. I don't have anything to lose.

Strange day

I'm now at my sister's boyfriend's apartment. I am so over this blog but for real I'm in a bit of a pinch currently regarding my feelings for alicia, my insecurities, and my continued reliance on internet use as a social support. Im an old man at 23. When I was a kid, I thought about life in my 20s and didn't really know what to think of it. I suspected I'd be in some classroom toiling away at some deep intellectual stuff as I'm prone to do for fun from time to time. I'm always thinking... Well I was out today and man am I freaked out by some of the young women out there. it's nuts I tell you. they're kind of losing their minds at whatever age they are, all about showing off their bodies, being seen and approached by men. This is where I fail to succeed. I don't know what to do with women. I love them, but they're frappin strange little things... And I don't know what to do to become a REAL man, not some wimp who won't kick ass when it needs to be done.

I'm so lost damnit. I'm like, oh GOD help me. I've always believed in Him. But I don't know whether to simply sit back and watch the wizardry commence or be proactive and be all holy. Alicia's always been coming and going in my life for some odd reason I can't understand. She was there when I was in kindergarten. I was her friend, she was mine, then years later we met again in 8th grade. I was in love with her not long after she recognized me from our kindergarten days. I thought about all the good things I could GIVE her. She was a bit erratic, but that didn't matter. She was definitely worthy in my eyes no matter how silly she acted. She took a photo of me when I graduated from middle school.

Sigh, how stupid i was... I could have taken up the opportunity granted to me. Girl threw herself at me because I was a decent fellow, nothing amazing, just a good smart guy who would be good husband material. I made the GREATEST mistake of my entire life when I decided to ditch her and move on to high school. I went to mount st michael stupidly thinking that IF I worked hard enough in school I'd finally see her again. Truth be told maybe at one of the dances I'd have met her, but I didn't know if that would happen. I then became lost in the internet and the rest is history.

Now I'm sexually frustrated to the max. I'm so distraught, confused, pained by years of stress and am about to go through two months of intense training that will YES be the hardest thing I've ever done, and she's back again... sigh... and she's all that and a bag of fritos to boot... girl still has some great legs, body like a model, dayum... It's not going to be easy getting with her now when I'm all stupid and crappy looking.

And do I want to is the question. I don't care about me really. I care about her. She always was the only thing I thought about at mount. after I realized I'd never see her again, I threw in the towel on life. She was my reason for existing. After that puberty set in and I wasn't about to be getting some from my dream girl, right, forget about it... Now I'm going into the airforce and the onus once again is on me and me alone to go after her. She's 22 now... shoot. We've been apart for 10 years. I'm a hot mess. Shes just hot. What to do, I wonder...

My sister's giving me hints that I'll get married, have kids, become part of a upperclass black elite or something. Is it that I'll be with her? Is that my destiny? How the f did I get this lucky. i'm a screw up.

And I'm frankly drained, mentally, emotionally, physically, you name it. I'm full of fail and I can't make any sense of HOW I'm supposed to live out the rest of my life. At least I have employment.

God you crazy son of a gun you...

Alicia Ayers

I have to say something here. I feel conflicted. Infinitely conflicted... But something's stirring in me that I haven't felt in a long while, I mean LOOOOOOOOOOOONG.

love.

God damn... I'm just... I don't know what to think. That girl I told you about, the girl I knew back in school all those years ago... sigh... I found her:

http://www.myspace.com/lilmsprettymama

I'm going to marry her. I have no other thought to add but that. She's the one.

I've been searching for her for 10 years.

But I'm scared honestly. I don't know if I have the balls to be a good husband. Ain't no other girl in the world but her for me though...

I don't even care if she's with some guy. She's MINE. I LOVE HER. Always have. Always will.

I'm losing my damn mind

I'm supposed to be thinking about the military. I get up every morning, eat a few slices of wheat bred for breakfast, wait an hour or so, then go for a jog around my old high school, 2 times around if I can... that's all I do. I'm concentrating on strengthening my legs since running's going to be a major part of basic training. But I can't help it but to think about what my stupid cousin told me a while ago. She says my wife's here... (I'll explain)

Let me tell ya this internet. I don't know where to begin with women. It's just something I've never had the option to do. When you go to college of course they're everywhere, but some are married already, some you don't know have boyfriends yet, and it's hard to balance whether they're going to act like a woman or a little girl at their early 20s late teens, that's certainly a problem. I'll be honest, I'm still attracted to your typical 16 year old high school girl just like I was in high school but that's a no go for launch now that I'm 23. No the age difference isn't that different from a 20 year old witha 30 year old which does happen, but I'll still get locked up. There's no tolerance when it comes to underage sex even if the person in question is ok with it. I'll tear a guy apart if he touches my 13 year old niece for instance so i undestand.

Still it's confusing to have NEVER gotten with a girl, teen or older. Not once. And now I got old 30 something ugly fat chicks trying to holla at me on the train and ugh, it's a nightmare. But... my cousin says this girl Holly who I kind of had a crush on back in high school is now going to school in NY. I'm thinking.... ok... she's probably had a billion dudes by now and is just looking for an easily pussy whipped guy to keep her company on the weekends. It's not out of the realm of possibility. I'm so horny I'd be crazy enough to marry her right now but then i know that's EXACTLY what a lot of guys do, they marry early out of pure desire for sex then later they get divorced and have to pay for everything.

I'm single. I'm in the airforce, one of the hardest military branches to get into because of their intellectual requirements of which I'm somewhat capable of I guess, and I have a door open to me to go on to get my college degree and make a hell of a lot of money for me and yeah, possssssssssssibly a kid. I'm thinking about it... But I hate this world. I hate how it's gone. i can't bring a kid into this mess. And I feel sorry for every kid i see because no one will save them from the shit storm I've experienced growing up and still am as a horny sexually frustrated young adult crazy internet addict.

At least I got chicken.