I've stayed off the porn all day yesterday and I'm going to try to make it through the rest of this day. It's hard though. When I'm outside and there's all this heavy abundance of tits and ass everywhere, I can't stop thinking about sexual relations. It's just not fair.
Oh well. I'll have to toughen up as a military man. it's the 25th now. That's nearly a month. My recruiter said it'll take up to 30 or 45 days for the process to work. I'm so excited about it but at the same time worried too. I don't know how to be an adult, especially a black adult. all the black adults around me are either idiots or crazy. So who am I supposed to try to be like except white people? It's a good thing barack's kind of changing perception on blacks though, if only so little. It's up to the rest of blacks to stop being stupid and be good role models for their kids. No one's going to do it but them... Not that there aren't already many good black role models, you know I'm just talking about the deadbeat crazy ass ones.
On race though, I'm just not into dealing with white kids. White adults are good people for the most part, but the kids, I'm not goddamn ready for the ridiculous shit they'll be doing through immaturity. I don't know what to do when confronted by some of them sometimes. I guess just shrug it off as kids being kids and move on, become a scientist. I know that most of these kids I'll meet will have never met a black person in their entire life, so I'll need to be walking on eggshells so as not to spook them or anything. Every time I try to mind my own business though, someone always drags me into some stuff, out of boredom or whatever. Sigh, whatever. At least I'll be on my way to a degree.
Wednesday, February 25, 2009
Monday, February 23, 2009
What makes a man a man
I keep failing no matter how hard I try to overcome my faults. I'm afraid I'll do something wrong or hurt people. I don't always feel secure in my level of intellect or ability to figure out the right way to think. But I persist...
I persist.
I persist.
Sunday, February 22, 2009
What a weird life
My life is a crazy thing. Thankfully I was born at a time well after the civil rights movement and such, and people were generally nice and religious in the sense that they tried their best to treat each other with respect. I remember just feeling safe and dreaming of all kinds of things I'd be able to do when I was a grown up. I sat on my room's floor thinking about becoming a scientist of some kind. That's all I wanted. I didn't think about race. I looked at scientists on tv, bill nye, spidey, dexter's lab, doc brown, apollo thirteen astronauts, and I wanted that to be me some day.
Now the truth, the cold reality, has been exposed to me at last. I'm not smart enough... I'm a drop out. I don't know what a strawman is... And worst of all I'm black so it'll be ten times as hard for me to get anywhere.
But there's hope. I've one last hope and it's this airforce thing... I swear if I get in, I'll hold nothing back. I can feel it inside me, this monster, it's the person I would have been if I never gave up. He's godlike. me as I am now, I'm pathetic... might as well be in jail... life, jail, no difference for me...
And then there's Barack Obama. I don't know the guy, but what he's doing will change everything, stir up a lot of discussion in the future over who we black americans really are... Is he just acting white? Is the fight for equality over? Why do black people continue to promote gangster culture when someone like that could never become pres? We just haven't really woken up yet. no way. No one thought this black man would be there in the white house. It hasn't even been fully acknowledged yet by the populous.
When it is, though, get ready for some kind of insane stuff, man...
Now the truth, the cold reality, has been exposed to me at last. I'm not smart enough... I'm a drop out. I don't know what a strawman is... And worst of all I'm black so it'll be ten times as hard for me to get anywhere.
But there's hope. I've one last hope and it's this airforce thing... I swear if I get in, I'll hold nothing back. I can feel it inside me, this monster, it's the person I would have been if I never gave up. He's godlike. me as I am now, I'm pathetic... might as well be in jail... life, jail, no difference for me...
And then there's Barack Obama. I don't know the guy, but what he's doing will change everything, stir up a lot of discussion in the future over who we black americans really are... Is he just acting white? Is the fight for equality over? Why do black people continue to promote gangster culture when someone like that could never become pres? We just haven't really woken up yet. no way. No one thought this black man would be there in the white house. It hasn't even been fully acknowledged yet by the populous.
When it is, though, get ready for some kind of insane stuff, man...
Saturday, February 21, 2009
oh my head
It's the 21st. I go back to work on the 24th. My recruiter said that it would be a month before I knew whether I'd be in or out of the airforce. I'm working on learning spanish in the interim. It'll look great on the resume since so many people don't know how to speak it and of course when you're on the job any extra language is helpful. Just ten days to go... I think truly that i'll get in. It was just the allergy crap. Honestly though, I contemplate suicide every day... My life's just horrible right now. I want to get a car, I have 1000 dollars saved, but my psycopath father's trying to prevent me from getting one because he's afraid I'll get in an accident. I'm 22! This is the worst age to be black. People expect you to have everything figured out because they come from places where people by that age have their shit together, right and I know this. I know I'm not a teenager anymore but I'm still living the lifestyle of one, still thinking like one, all that stuff. It's so embarrassing and of course I have to admit I'm having an identity crisis due to not knowing who the hell I'm supposed to be in this world. Everybody wants to make you into someone you're not, whether it be through subtle racism, or like this asshole at work, wants me to join his ridiculous xbox cult as if he's accomplishing anything great through the internet. It's a jungle out there. You lose your firm footing in some sense of sanity and people will eat you alive.
Why serve this country?
Cuz it's the best country in the world, duh. The great thing about America and its diverse cultures is that it allows itself to have limitless potential whereas in places like china or india, things are structured in such a away that you'd never be able to go from the lowest level to the top. We are free to build whatever businesses we can create, vote for changes we need, make a real difference. Walking around New York you see it all, gay guys, gay gals, looking all clean, pretty and thin, hygene and stuff, construction doods looking all tough and don't give a shit about anything kind of aura, and black gangster guys pulling down the image of blacks even futher into the gutter but hey, we're free to be stupid, religious people, white people with their freshly bought gap clothes and starbucks coffee. You got it all here. Hell I might just go down to manhatten today to just soak in the diversity. They have it all, baby, fine dining, pizza joints, theaters, movies, a freakin ferris wheel inside of toys r us, kids in central park, hobos too, half neckid ladies running around in the summer time down there, art museums, hotdog stands selling overpriced shit to clueless tourists... as Winston put it, I LOVE THIS TOWN! HA HA!
Friday, February 20, 2009
Oh the hell with it
I gave into my lust and I enjoyed every second! Now I'm just confused. Does anyone ever stop this sex stuff? Can they? I'm going to get drunk tonight. Maybe that'll help set my brain in order.
The White dilemma
I'm wondering where to begin with this. I've never thought about white people's problems. They to me, seemingly have none. Everybody loves white people, considers them to be the smartest, most eloquent, most beautiful, Gods in a way... Now that I think about it though, that's a heavy burden to bear. On top of that, many whites are growing up now in a world that's, yes to their advantage, but dumb as shit. Acedemic achievement is looked favorably upon by white people to such an extent that i've noticed on the subway and such they're constantly reading. Heh, I've read on the subway and I know it's not the best place to fully engross yourself in a thrilling story or informative text. Is it just for show? To get their minds off all the stupid as bricks people you meet on subways? Whatever makes you happy, do it, I say...
Of course then there's the entire issue of white guilt. Bigger brains than mine have thought deeply on this topic, so this is not something I'm in a position to speak upon with great depths of knowledge. All I do know is that some white people, I'm trying to find the least offensive way to word this, are caught up in the over sensitive race relations and similar to blacks who pick up a book and exercise their brain muscle are hated by stupid people who for whatever reason are not trusting of smart people. It's complicated...
White people do have an easier life than minorities. But it wasn't something they asked for, previous generations made it that way and to me it seems want to keep it that way because it's good to be the top. What I don't really understand though is why blacks won't fight to get what they want too. White people work hard in school, that's all it really is. I was there in class just like them taking my lessons. Those mf's were killing math and english assignments, going to military academys too, it's not a joke being white. Expectations are pretty high. So imagine putting all that effort into being the best, then being told, "you had it easy." I don't think so...
Beautiful thing, the education system. Sure there's corruption, but for the most part I believe it works in that it's based on promotion through mastery of the subject, not your looks. That's the way all life should be, period. You get what you earn.
Oh why am I still blogging? I'm off work for 4 days because of some stupid thing. So I'll be here just blogging any random thoughts and trying to resist the temptation to check out some boobage. Maybe I'll go to barnes and Noble tomorrow to find any cuties there... hmm...
Of course then there's the entire issue of white guilt. Bigger brains than mine have thought deeply on this topic, so this is not something I'm in a position to speak upon with great depths of knowledge. All I do know is that some white people, I'm trying to find the least offensive way to word this, are caught up in the over sensitive race relations and similar to blacks who pick up a book and exercise their brain muscle are hated by stupid people who for whatever reason are not trusting of smart people. It's complicated...
White people do have an easier life than minorities. But it wasn't something they asked for, previous generations made it that way and to me it seems want to keep it that way because it's good to be the top. What I don't really understand though is why blacks won't fight to get what they want too. White people work hard in school, that's all it really is. I was there in class just like them taking my lessons. Those mf's were killing math and english assignments, going to military academys too, it's not a joke being white. Expectations are pretty high. So imagine putting all that effort into being the best, then being told, "you had it easy." I don't think so...
Beautiful thing, the education system. Sure there's corruption, but for the most part I believe it works in that it's based on promotion through mastery of the subject, not your looks. That's the way all life should be, period. You get what you earn.
Oh why am I still blogging? I'm off work for 4 days because of some stupid thing. So I'll be here just blogging any random thoughts and trying to resist the temptation to check out some boobage. Maybe I'll go to barnes and Noble tomorrow to find any cuties there... hmm...
A Nation of Cowards
It's true. To be brutally honest, we're all a bunch of selfish, insecure babies when it comes to confronting serious issues in an adult way like the older generation did. I'll admit I'm scared of fighting "the man" and double scared of facing the world now after dropping out of college like a doofus. You can't do that, I know it now but if only I knew when I was 18 just how valuable a degree would be, I'd have suffered through the courses to get it, no matter what. I'm smart but there's no one now as I'm older who'll immediately think that.
Well I'm just going to go to work now. My porn addiction's still killing me mentally but if I keep pushing through the pain, I think I'll be able to overcome it.
I have to say that I'm kind of angry now about the way the world's sort of put a spotlight on black america and given all kinds of people a stage to finally express what they truly think about black people, that would never really have happened before because blacks were never considered any kind of threat to the way things were or whatever status quo there was. Now I see the debate and race wars stiring over black performance vs other minority performance etc. whether affirmative action should still exist (I was against it until I myself realized how the world really is, everbody hates black people.) There's a lot of truth to the idea that people, mostly immature kids want to frankly make black people disapear. And there's also truth to the fact that some black people are nutty and don't want to work hard in school and read and instead become stupid gangsters as a way of rebelling against the system. How's a decent black person to navigate through all these differing views on who he's supposed to be in this world? Shit...
Well I'm just going to go to work now. My porn addiction's still killing me mentally but if I keep pushing through the pain, I think I'll be able to overcome it.
I have to say that I'm kind of angry now about the way the world's sort of put a spotlight on black america and given all kinds of people a stage to finally express what they truly think about black people, that would never really have happened before because blacks were never considered any kind of threat to the way things were or whatever status quo there was. Now I see the debate and race wars stiring over black performance vs other minority performance etc. whether affirmative action should still exist (I was against it until I myself realized how the world really is, everbody hates black people.) There's a lot of truth to the idea that people, mostly immature kids want to frankly make black people disapear. And there's also truth to the fact that some black people are nutty and don't want to work hard in school and read and instead become stupid gangsters as a way of rebelling against the system. How's a decent black person to navigate through all these differing views on who he's supposed to be in this world? Shit...
Wednesday, February 18, 2009
Death
I'm so tired of life. It's nothing but pain... I'm alive yet dead. I'm not enjoying life. I guess I got depression which is the most stupid illness I've ever heard of. Really, they've turned a bit of sadness into a full disease? I can understand cancer, aids, psychotic disorders, those are all real and serious problems people have. I should know having lived with that stuff all my life. Yes I'm down in the dump, got no friends, hated by society, hated by the internet society. Yep I'm aware that I've been targeted by people though I'm thinking that's a waste of time myself. If you ignore me, you'd have no reason to care about my existence. I do this blog because it's therapeutic, I guess. No, just lonely. No man's an island...
Loneliness is the worst thing in the world. Got friends, don't take it for granted, I say...
Loneliness is the worst thing in the world. Got friends, don't take it for granted, I say...
Just another day
It's 5 o'clock, pm. I'm sitting on the toilet, dropping off a special delivery while browsing dragonball blogs, contemplating whether to jump in on the discussions happening on the forums. I'm spent completely after the last 3 years of forum use and don't want to do it anymore though. It's rough, people misinterpreting stuff, flaming you, playing mind games, etc. I don't want to get into that again. I'm going to college either way, airforce or not, but let me tell you something about that. I know no where is safe. You can try to run away from people you don't like, by then you'll just be alone. Being with people comes with its challenges. Sometimes you'll want to just kill them, or other times kiss them. That's what's so interesting about life I guess.
About my porn craze, I want to end it. I'm an addict, to it and the internet in general. I need to get the f off it and live in the real world. I got to go to work tomorrow and it's going to be a painful day because my head is aching after shooting my semen, so as usual it'll hurt all day tomorrow. I'm telling you, internet, it's like cigarretes. There's a white guy at work who you could time your watch by he's always out at sunset smoking a cig. What is with addiction? I go online and I see people out there who seem perfectly healthy, no addiction to anything? Why can't I be like them? Is this adulthood? Is adulthood just endless sexual urges? How do people finish college?
*takes a deep breath* Poor kids. I'm just a statistic... there's a lot more who are going to drop out like me and then get their minds all mangled and they won't be fortunate enough to have anyone help them with psychologists or anything like that. If I stayed in school, I'd have become a psychologist myself and ended up helping kids or whatever. Instead I went and got lost in the internet bull crap. Don't make that mistake, Kids. It's fun when you're a teen, but the early 20s is a crucial time when you have to begin accepting adult responsibility which entails finding a balance in life between work and play. It's more complicated than that, but yeah, you can't be a kid forever, not gonna happen.
About my porn craze, I want to end it. I'm an addict, to it and the internet in general. I need to get the f off it and live in the real world. I got to go to work tomorrow and it's going to be a painful day because my head is aching after shooting my semen, so as usual it'll hurt all day tomorrow. I'm telling you, internet, it's like cigarretes. There's a white guy at work who you could time your watch by he's always out at sunset smoking a cig. What is with addiction? I go online and I see people out there who seem perfectly healthy, no addiction to anything? Why can't I be like them? Is this adulthood? Is adulthood just endless sexual urges? How do people finish college?
*takes a deep breath* Poor kids. I'm just a statistic... there's a lot more who are going to drop out like me and then get their minds all mangled and they won't be fortunate enough to have anyone help them with psychologists or anything like that. If I stayed in school, I'd have become a psychologist myself and ended up helping kids or whatever. Instead I went and got lost in the internet bull crap. Don't make that mistake, Kids. It's fun when you're a teen, but the early 20s is a crucial time when you have to begin accepting adult responsibility which entails finding a balance in life between work and play. It's more complicated than that, but yeah, you can't be a kid forever, not gonna happen.
Tuesday, February 17, 2009
damn
I relapsed. I'm trying to quit the pornoes but the urge is too much to purge. It's like drugs or something... I hate myself after I do it. Would a girlfriend fix the problem, I wonder... Never had one of those... And I don't want any kids. Life suuuuuuuuuucks. Who'd want to put kids through all this painful garbage? I mean, yeah if you're white hell yeah, have a brady bunch and do whatever you want to do. I was at work trying to get some breakfast and there's this white cop there ordering his food. It's funny the way people kind of subconsciously express their true beliefs, because the cooks were so darn delighted as if jesus himself was ordering from them, then when I ordered they treated me differently, eh, maybe they knew the guy personally... all those people have been working there for years, what do I know...
I'm still waiting for the airforce to call me... yep. Still waiting... I should have been in there since 2004 but that went south. This will be the only thing that'll save me in a sense. The real world's too cruel and people out there too crazy. I need a place to not feel afraid all the time to get back into gear and study, become a writer, all that stuff. I'll do it this time. I'll pray tonight. Haven't done that in a while... maybe just maybe it'll do some good...
I'm still waiting for the airforce to call me... yep. Still waiting... I should have been in there since 2004 but that went south. This will be the only thing that'll save me in a sense. The real world's too cruel and people out there too crazy. I need a place to not feel afraid all the time to get back into gear and study, become a writer, all that stuff. I'll do it this time. I'll pray tonight. Haven't done that in a while... maybe just maybe it'll do some good...
Star Wars is still Cool damnit
I'm browsing chud like I sometimes do because those guys are some of the best minds when it comes to movies, one of my personal passions, and someone said that some people need to outgrow star wars. Outgrow one of the most phenomenal movies of all time that will live in history long after you and I are dead and worm food? What are you smoking? Cuz pass dat shit...
star wars is prettymuch why internet movie sites are even popular today. Regardless of where you come from, you probably started becoming addicted to the internet because of the phantom menace and witnessed the rise and fall of one of the greatest movie dissapointments of all time. But you can't deny that star wars changed everything about how movies today are promoted, produced, and subsequently discussed online. There are probably entire books written on the subject of how star wars built from scratch the fanboy community that flourishes to this day in all its virginity and pocket protector glory! Lucas may have fumbled the ball, but the legacy, the fans, the good times and bad will live on forever... I felt like I was a part of this world when it came to star wars. Everybody, of every race, loved it! Oh man, too bad it had to end so poorly..
Let's discuss the movie, though. I first saw star wars in 98. Yeah, I'm not one of the original trilogy gen. I'm a special edition boy... But it doesn't matter... It was the day my imagination exploded. I never knew something so fantastically genius existed until that day. The story was beyond anything I ever saw, the fx were brilliant, Yoda, the father/son dynamic, all that stuff... it was and still is great to me. No it's not high art, but it was all American happy good times for all. You have to give the kids a good time...
But anyway, Star wars changed everything for me about cinema. Whereas before I looked at movies as silly since all I watched were silly movies, here was something that had everything, silliness, depth, excellent art all, great memorable lines, the score hitting the right notes. star wars deserved its unbelievable one in a million success and to hell with anyone who disagrees with me. To hell!!!! damnit.
star wars is prettymuch why internet movie sites are even popular today. Regardless of where you come from, you probably started becoming addicted to the internet because of the phantom menace and witnessed the rise and fall of one of the greatest movie dissapointments of all time. But you can't deny that star wars changed everything about how movies today are promoted, produced, and subsequently discussed online. There are probably entire books written on the subject of how star wars built from scratch the fanboy community that flourishes to this day in all its virginity and pocket protector glory! Lucas may have fumbled the ball, but the legacy, the fans, the good times and bad will live on forever... I felt like I was a part of this world when it came to star wars. Everybody, of every race, loved it! Oh man, too bad it had to end so poorly..
Let's discuss the movie, though. I first saw star wars in 98. Yeah, I'm not one of the original trilogy gen. I'm a special edition boy... But it doesn't matter... It was the day my imagination exploded. I never knew something so fantastically genius existed until that day. The story was beyond anything I ever saw, the fx were brilliant, Yoda, the father/son dynamic, all that stuff... it was and still is great to me. No it's not high art, but it was all American happy good times for all. You have to give the kids a good time...
But anyway, Star wars changed everything for me about cinema. Whereas before I looked at movies as silly since all I watched were silly movies, here was something that had everything, silliness, depth, excellent art all, great memorable lines, the score hitting the right notes. star wars deserved its unbelievable one in a million success and to hell with anyone who disagrees with me. To hell!!!! damnit.
Reading is Sex to me
I enjoy reading, always have. I read everything I could since I started learning my ABC's. I'm at a point now though where my brain's changing or some stuff and my desire for women is over-taking my hunger for intellectual exploration. I was on my way to becoming an elite mind back in high school, not necessarily because of any special gifts, of which I have none, but because of my incessant drive to succeed. Some part of that lives within me, screaming like a wild animal, a beast, like stallone described in Rocky Balboa. At College though I discovered the way the world of thought really is. I'm used to writing what I honestly think, it's just the way I always thought writing was, but in truth the reason we have colleges is because of the power of the written word and that people need to be taught how to decipher what's good and bad from texts out there. In the sciences and mathematics fields, there's only one right answer, so there's no debating there. In philosophy, politics, religion, stuff like that, people are at constant war over what the truth is.
I see it spilling online as my generation wakes up to the adult world's problems and people start to question who we are, why we're here, what's right, what's wrong, what's normal vs abnormal... I made the fatal mistake of trying to play like a lawyer and develop a manipulative argument called sophistry one time and got what was coming... so I now know why most people prefer to stay clear of lies and leave that to the politicians and the lawyers. Lies are exactly as bad as they're made to seem when you're a kid. Yet we all live a lie every day when we pretend to like each other. I can see right through people when I'm out there. It's the little squinting of the eye, a show of distrust and condescention because I'm black, then of course there's the indifference some have as a way of showing they're not like their racist friends, so by treating me as any regular guy, they're being generous and kind to this lesser being. Sigh, it's disheartening for sure, but I view it as all part of the grand design of things. What would the world be like if everyone was the same anyway? Maybe we're supposed to have confict, compete to force each other to become stronger. I like that idea. Fuck the easy path.
That's why I honestly don't feel sorry for the dumbass who's complaining about racism like an Al Sharpton wannabe. You bet your ass there are people in high places who don't want you to exist because you're ugly and look like you're covered in shit. Just Fight them. Stop whining and fight... That's what being American is all about...
I see it spilling online as my generation wakes up to the adult world's problems and people start to question who we are, why we're here, what's right, what's wrong, what's normal vs abnormal... I made the fatal mistake of trying to play like a lawyer and develop a manipulative argument called sophistry one time and got what was coming... so I now know why most people prefer to stay clear of lies and leave that to the politicians and the lawyers. Lies are exactly as bad as they're made to seem when you're a kid. Yet we all live a lie every day when we pretend to like each other. I can see right through people when I'm out there. It's the little squinting of the eye, a show of distrust and condescention because I'm black, then of course there's the indifference some have as a way of showing they're not like their racist friends, so by treating me as any regular guy, they're being generous and kind to this lesser being. Sigh, it's disheartening for sure, but I view it as all part of the grand design of things. What would the world be like if everyone was the same anyway? Maybe we're supposed to have confict, compete to force each other to become stronger. I like that idea. Fuck the easy path.
That's why I honestly don't feel sorry for the dumbass who's complaining about racism like an Al Sharpton wannabe. You bet your ass there are people in high places who don't want you to exist because you're ugly and look like you're covered in shit. Just Fight them. Stop whining and fight... That's what being American is all about...
Monday, February 16, 2009
Thinking about Thinking
I've decided what I want to do with my life. I'm a thinker as I said. I can't turn off my brain and just relax. Even when I'm alone, I dream and create new worlds or at least try to conceptualize something unique and such as if there's still plenty of things left to be invented. My stupid father has decided I'm too weak to handle the way the world is and is therefore trying his best to keep me sheltered, trapped in a repetitive mindless existence that befalls most black men in the blue collar arena. It's safer that way. They're not in jail but not bothering the brains of the world... modern day slavery. He keeps telling me, "You don't have to be like your sister." And I think, no, I'm better than my sister. When I want to, I can learn anything extremely fast and apply it to create whatever I can think of. I know I have this potential, yet this asshole wants me to give up since he's honestly lost his balls and doesn't want me to go through the same shit. He doesn't know that I love a challenge. I don't even feel alive unless I'm pushing myself to my limits.
Please God Please let me get into the airforce. I know I've done a lot of wrong, but I swear I'll fix everything...
Please God Please let me get into the airforce. I know I've done a lot of wrong, but I swear I'll fix everything...
Sunday, February 15, 2009
Thoughts on Race and the Internet
I've discovered a new thing I never thought of before... Growing up, I of course lived in a bubble, never thinking about myself as any less of a person than anyone else. It wasn't until high school that I began to see some people's hatred for others surfacing, at a religious high school in fact. (I suffered more harassment there than at any supposedly lesser public school amazingly... just shows you that not everything's what it seems I guess...) Anyway as i grew up, started puberty, all that stuff, I began developing my identity as an individual. Who was I? I knew I wasn't a reguar ol' white kid, so who was I? Black isn't really very cool to people... It's even more complicated now in a world based on stereotypes that I combat everyday. It's like that line in black hawk down, "when that first bullet flies past your head, politics and all that shit goes right out the window." I understand that in the quick immediacy of life, people make blanket judgments just to avoid any potential problems, a better safe than sorry kind of thing. Hell, I know I've avoided a group of black gangster looking guys plenty of times myself... tis understandable. Though I know who those guys are more than most whites probably do. There's a lot of those guys who are genuinely good people, but when I'm just not in a good enough mindset to decide whether to find out or not, I just don't. That's life...
Out here, I'm a goofy nobody.
Online I was anything I wanted to be and that's the danger of it I guess. It's hard for people to create a mental image of who a person online actually is unless they have some kind of reference in the real world. So when for example someone who's intelligent posts, they're automatically assumed to be white which is what happened to me many times in the past. This brought on some problems of its own when I guess someone who's kind of an elitist or whatever decided to treat me as they would another white person which I'm just guessing would involve a battle of wits to prove who's the better brain, the loser being shamed and therefore having to work harder and then prove himself. It's what I witnessed working at Target, listening to teachers and reading about white suicide rates. There's I believe an expectation to be the best or gtfo. So I don't know how then most whites view intelligent blacks online. I'm discovering more and more that blacks are voicing their own distaste for having to go undercover to post on forums and such because the immediate image everyone has of a black guy posting is of that street thug who somehow learned to type.
Then there's just your typical immature kids who express the world's true feelings on blacks through online games and websites. I never took it seriously when I heard tons of kids talking about killing niggers while playing my ps2 games, but as I get older, it's becoming clear to me that those kids mean it. Those kids will be there as cops, teachers, lawyers, men of power in some places...
...
...
Out here, I'm a goofy nobody.
Online I was anything I wanted to be and that's the danger of it I guess. It's hard for people to create a mental image of who a person online actually is unless they have some kind of reference in the real world. So when for example someone who's intelligent posts, they're automatically assumed to be white which is what happened to me many times in the past. This brought on some problems of its own when I guess someone who's kind of an elitist or whatever decided to treat me as they would another white person which I'm just guessing would involve a battle of wits to prove who's the better brain, the loser being shamed and therefore having to work harder and then prove himself. It's what I witnessed working at Target, listening to teachers and reading about white suicide rates. There's I believe an expectation to be the best or gtfo. So I don't know how then most whites view intelligent blacks online. I'm discovering more and more that blacks are voicing their own distaste for having to go undercover to post on forums and such because the immediate image everyone has of a black guy posting is of that street thug who somehow learned to type.
Then there's just your typical immature kids who express the world's true feelings on blacks through online games and websites. I never took it seriously when I heard tons of kids talking about killing niggers while playing my ps2 games, but as I get older, it's becoming clear to me that those kids mean it. Those kids will be there as cops, teachers, lawyers, men of power in some places...
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Saturday, February 14, 2009
I have to be honest
I'm having a hard time coping with my insecurities and lack of confidence. My days at superherohype shook me up to such a degree that I'm kind of mentally off center. I want to have a thick skin and shake off the internet's silliness, but I've never been in a position of such adult responsibility over my actions. I posted on star wars message boards frequently back in highschool, just a naive foolish dumbass kid that knew nothing of the way the world worked, and yeah I got destroyed by some jerk then too, but I barely recovered from that, only to go back and have the same thing happen a second time in 07. That time I lost it. The first time my fragile young mind could barely handle the pressures of being insulted by someone older. Bullies, man, gotta love those bullies...
That's why I love these words "Fuck it". Period. It's the essence of manhood in my mind. When people are trying to tear you down, twist your mind, humiliate you, and even break you mentally, just say "Fuck it".
Life is like that. Sometimes you can't sit around calculating this or that. You just have to jump into the pool and let the chips fall where they may.
That's why I love these words "Fuck it". Period. It's the essence of manhood in my mind. When people are trying to tear you down, twist your mind, humiliate you, and even break you mentally, just say "Fuck it".
Life is like that. Sometimes you can't sit around calculating this or that. You just have to jump into the pool and let the chips fall where they may.
What What in the Butt
The guy I work with is against homosexuality, though I'd say he's the gayest person I've ever met, the weirdo with his halo cult garbage. I never knew what to think of it myself. This being America, we're free to do whatever we want sexually as long as it does not hurt anyone or involve children, so I'm not seeing anything wrong there. It's when it comes to people's fears of their own children somehow growing up and being influenced to turn the other way or if like with the military where you're shacked up for months with a bunch of dudes that you don't know are into you or not that it becomes worrisome. Then of course there's Homophobia, fear of gays and fear of being gay yourself. I think honestly that everybody's a little gay sometimes. It's that Carl Jung stuff. We have both female and male personality traits within us. One of my professors was the most feminine man I've ever seen, yet had a wife and kids and went to church every sunday like a traditional old family... That was eye opening. America, land of the unexpected...
That's why you can't judge people on face value alone. Though that'll never end. It's just a percentage thing, the more of a type of person people interact with, the more the person will believe all those types of people are that way. It's lame, but everybody does it. I look at this country and know it's not to the point yet when I can walk around feeling fully 100% like I belong to the same human club as everybody else. And that's awful. I think sometimes of what white people think of me when I'm out there alone... It's not "oh he's just another human being like us." It's "Is he spanish? Does he speak english?"
Then again I'm guilty of this as well in regards to asians who I made the mistake of assuming were all familiar with asian culture. There are asian guys all over my work place who don't know squat about asia. Hell, I've got some asian in me afterall and I don't know a thing about the place beyond what I've seen in karate movies.
So yeah back to my original point, this guy I work with is probably a fag. And that's ok because America's where we do whatever the hell we want.
That's why you can't judge people on face value alone. Though that'll never end. It's just a percentage thing, the more of a type of person people interact with, the more the person will believe all those types of people are that way. It's lame, but everybody does it. I look at this country and know it's not to the point yet when I can walk around feeling fully 100% like I belong to the same human club as everybody else. And that's awful. I think sometimes of what white people think of me when I'm out there alone... It's not "oh he's just another human being like us." It's "Is he spanish? Does he speak english?"
Then again I'm guilty of this as well in regards to asians who I made the mistake of assuming were all familiar with asian culture. There are asian guys all over my work place who don't know squat about asia. Hell, I've got some asian in me afterall and I don't know a thing about the place beyond what I've seen in karate movies.
So yeah back to my original point, this guy I work with is probably a fag. And that's ok because America's where we do whatever the hell we want.
Tuesday, February 10, 2009
Finding good people
That's the key to life I think. I'm friendless but as a man, that's not something to cry about is it? People will think you're a pussy if you go around crying about not having any friends. But it's bad, man. Being alone... I meet people like my sargent who's gone his whole life so far growing up with friends, then going to the military and finding buddies there, then he's on his job handling his business like a real man, and he meets me, this scruffy messed up child-man with no friends who's trying to get into the military for.... what? To get going in life? I'm supposed to have lived already, right? That's why I can't stand the whole 18 = adult idea. Sure that's when you can die in the military, but there's a world of difference between that and being able to support yourself. That age limit is probably outdated. I'm not that unusual really. Many people live at home well into their 30s until they're finally mature enough to break the umbilical cord. I'm not mature yet.
I need to get my head on straight, figure out how I want to contribute to society... build relationships... combat racism... then if all goes well start my own family and give them a better chance than I had... We'll see. I'm stressing myself out too much now. I just need to relax and not think the world will end because I'm not a genius yet...
I need to get my head on straight, figure out how I want to contribute to society... build relationships... combat racism... then if all goes well start my own family and give them a better chance than I had... We'll see. I'm stressing myself out too much now. I just need to relax and not think the world will end because I'm not a genius yet...
Life now and Life then
Life for me now is about money, which is funny because I've never been interested in having it. I'm an artist at heart so I'm more interested in dreaming than buying stuff. But now it's become fully clear to me how important money is in this world. I've been told that I own my parents house, that when they're gone, I'll own it and can do whatever I want with it. I suppose it'll be up to me what happens with it then, whether I decide to spend the rest of my life in it or go on. And I'll need money for that.
Life back in the past was different. I didn't seriously think about adulthood. Childhood is a very shortsighted time. No kid imagines burying their parents, having to pay bills, learn to live with other people peacefully... They dream of flying shuttles to the moon and all sorts of impossible crap that will never happen.
My parent are at the stage in their life when they're preparing to die. My father speaks to me as if he's already dead, just says stuff in a poetic way as if it's his last words. My mother is more sensible but her life's been so rough, she's become paranoid and thinks I'm becoming like my awful father. On top of that I have to fight my way through their empty nest syndrome to start my own life and find some kind of way to enjoy it. That's why when I look at kids enjoying themselves I'm glad because I never really did, outside of movies and whatever. I was bullied, I was alone, and now I'm just a loser adult trying to claw his way back to his feet after having a traumatic experience at a message board. I want to forget it, but it's not simple to do... It never is with internet addiction.
I'm going to cut porn off completely now. I now know it's an addiction and not just something everybody does from time to time. You lose yourself in it. Like today, I went out, I did my business with my sargent, then I come back home and I see I still have a naked babe on my screen and it's just not as interesting to me as it was earlier in the day. It's some kind of psychological shift. I think if I just get off it, I'll have a clearer head at least. I'll need it out there since I look like some kind of weird exotic mixed race person, so people will assume stuff about me and I'll need my wits about me and such... And real life girls are better. mmmmm
Life back in the past was different. I didn't seriously think about adulthood. Childhood is a very shortsighted time. No kid imagines burying their parents, having to pay bills, learn to live with other people peacefully... They dream of flying shuttles to the moon and all sorts of impossible crap that will never happen.
My parent are at the stage in their life when they're preparing to die. My father speaks to me as if he's already dead, just says stuff in a poetic way as if it's his last words. My mother is more sensible but her life's been so rough, she's become paranoid and thinks I'm becoming like my awful father. On top of that I have to fight my way through their empty nest syndrome to start my own life and find some kind of way to enjoy it. That's why when I look at kids enjoying themselves I'm glad because I never really did, outside of movies and whatever. I was bullied, I was alone, and now I'm just a loser adult trying to claw his way back to his feet after having a traumatic experience at a message board. I want to forget it, but it's not simple to do... It never is with internet addiction.
I'm going to cut porn off completely now. I now know it's an addiction and not just something everybody does from time to time. You lose yourself in it. Like today, I went out, I did my business with my sargent, then I come back home and I see I still have a naked babe on my screen and it's just not as interesting to me as it was earlier in the day. It's some kind of psychological shift. I think if I just get off it, I'll have a clearer head at least. I'll need it out there since I look like some kind of weird exotic mixed race person, so people will assume stuff about me and I'll need my wits about me and such... And real life girls are better. mmmmm
Homeless subway people
It's a sad sight, no more, no less. These are people who for whatever reason can't find a job for their basic survival. I've read about them in magazines. They're either psychotic, or drug addicts who live for their next fix, or just people with nothing left after a fire or whatever. If I was them I'd honestly just kill myself. Life's not worth living if all you're going to do is walk around begging for pennies like some zombie from a bunch of people who are barely scraping by themselves in this cruel world. Why is the world cruel? Because you're on your own. I know that at my age I'm supposed to be supporting myself. I was told in high school that if I didn't graduate I'd end up poor, so despite having no strength left to go through the daily torture of school, I did it. I said whatever and just jumped head first into the flames thinking I'd rather die than fail and I graduated. I didn't even go to graduation because I was so exhausted; I went to a mental hosptital after all because school nearly killed me.
But the fun didn't end there... turns out a high school diploma's worth about as much as a GED which anybody can get whenever they want. For the love of...
Now I'm in the real world, which is about surviving on your own and dealing with people's craziness. I know now from my forum use that people are crazy. You can be the nicest guy in the world, someone will be there trying to tear you down, it doesn't matter. What it comes down to in the end is how much cred you have, not who you are as a person. Then people will watch your back out there. I have no cred and at my age though I'm still inexperienced and trying to crawl before running in adulthood, nope, people will stomp on me and walk away laughing. I don't have a choice but to equip myself with some kind of defenses. I'll need to get a degree, learn a second language, improve myself in general and I'll be on my way. I just know I can't do it alone though and that's the real killer. Where do you turn for help in this world that's full of people who don't really care about each other?
I swear if I get in the airforce I'll do everything within my power to give back to society. I swear to God himself.
But the fun didn't end there... turns out a high school diploma's worth about as much as a GED which anybody can get whenever they want. For the love of...
Now I'm in the real world, which is about surviving on your own and dealing with people's craziness. I know now from my forum use that people are crazy. You can be the nicest guy in the world, someone will be there trying to tear you down, it doesn't matter. What it comes down to in the end is how much cred you have, not who you are as a person. Then people will watch your back out there. I have no cred and at my age though I'm still inexperienced and trying to crawl before running in adulthood, nope, people will stomp on me and walk away laughing. I don't have a choice but to equip myself with some kind of defenses. I'll need to get a degree, learn a second language, improve myself in general and I'll be on my way. I just know I can't do it alone though and that's the real killer. Where do you turn for help in this world that's full of people who don't really care about each other?
I swear if I get in the airforce I'll do everything within my power to give back to society. I swear to God himself.
The Something of Boris
I'm on my day off from work now and browsing the web, reading about fat people who decided to lose weight because it's unhealthy to be fat. DUUUUUH. I can't believe there's a serious movement out there called "fat acceptance." Fat people who are discriminated against want equal rights or something like that. Are we Americans that spoiled or what? You got to be kidding me... fat acceptance? That's like disease acceptance. It's something you can change if you work for it. there are people who have no legs or are crippled. Those are the ones who need to be treated special, not someone who loves his cheesy poofs. Well I wish someone told me years ago that the reason I had such a hard time getting fit was because every day I stuffed my face with pizza and mountain dew. I didn't know, plain and simple, that that stuff was such a killer for your health.
If any kids are reading, STOP IT. DRINK WATER. I know soda's delicious, but it's like drinking poison and the corporations selling that stuff don't care about who they're killing. That's corporations for you in a nutshell. Look up how they packaged cigarrettes and tried to stop people from telling the truth about the risk for cancer. It's just business to them, to hell with the little guys.
I wish I knew what to tell kids about sex but I'm still learning myself, so that's beyond my grasp at this time.
So yeah I got my college transcript today. Lots of F's. I wasn't prepared in the slightest for college. I just went because my sister told me to go. I'd just barely gotten out of high school and I just knew I couldn't muster up the strength for 4 more years, so I kinda just jumped into college with a slight hope that I'd make it to the finish line by accident. Of course I didn't. I was too horny. Too tired. Too messed up mentally from 4 years of high school to sit there for hours and bla bla bla like usual. I hated being there and then the final straw was how my jerk parents decided to toss debt on me and tell me "good luck." What the hell? I decided to go specifically because I wouldn't end up in serious debt like so many other people who complained constantly about debt this or debt that. It's all a damn scam I tell you. Why go to school if all it will lead to is financial hell? Why isn't something as important as education free? I suppose that's what a library is for... But a degree won't get me what I really want anyway. I'm only getting it if I go to the airforce because I'll have something to fall back on if I get locked up for no reason which is par for the course for most black men. I should want to get it to better myself, but that's not the world we live in... no sir.
If I don't get into the airforce I'll just kill myself. I've got no reason to go on anyway...
If any kids are reading, STOP IT. DRINK WATER. I know soda's delicious, but it's like drinking poison and the corporations selling that stuff don't care about who they're killing. That's corporations for you in a nutshell. Look up how they packaged cigarrettes and tried to stop people from telling the truth about the risk for cancer. It's just business to them, to hell with the little guys.
I wish I knew what to tell kids about sex but I'm still learning myself, so that's beyond my grasp at this time.
So yeah I got my college transcript today. Lots of F's. I wasn't prepared in the slightest for college. I just went because my sister told me to go. I'd just barely gotten out of high school and I just knew I couldn't muster up the strength for 4 more years, so I kinda just jumped into college with a slight hope that I'd make it to the finish line by accident. Of course I didn't. I was too horny. Too tired. Too messed up mentally from 4 years of high school to sit there for hours and bla bla bla like usual. I hated being there and then the final straw was how my jerk parents decided to toss debt on me and tell me "good luck." What the hell? I decided to go specifically because I wouldn't end up in serious debt like so many other people who complained constantly about debt this or debt that. It's all a damn scam I tell you. Why go to school if all it will lead to is financial hell? Why isn't something as important as education free? I suppose that's what a library is for... But a degree won't get me what I really want anyway. I'm only getting it if I go to the airforce because I'll have something to fall back on if I get locked up for no reason which is par for the course for most black men. I should want to get it to better myself, but that's not the world we live in... no sir.
If I don't get into the airforce I'll just kill myself. I've got no reason to go on anyway...
Thursday, February 5, 2009
Life sucks
Well I was wrong. I can't enjoy life now, and probably never. I know there are people living in dirt poor conditions in third world countries who would kill to have what I have, food to eat, shelter, money, a ps3, and I know that I should not be a big crybaby about not having a degree, being black, being hated by society etc because compared to some folks, well, I'm the one who has no worries. I'm healthy aside from some mental health shite, and I'm good looking, thin, but I'm still alone. And that's the big sucky part. You can have all the money in the world but it won't matter if you have no one to share it with.
Here's why I can't enjoy life. I'm a statistic as i said, just another black college drop out, but my situation is part of a much larger problem, the failure of sex education. I'm 22 damn years old. Soon to be 23 and I have NO idea what so ever how to deal with my body's sexual functions. And I'm expected to care about freudian theories, some stupid critical thinking, whatever the hell. I can't. As much as I'd like to sit for hours debating stuff, I seriously can't relax myself enough to do it, and that kills me because I used to enjoy it. Every intelligent person knows the joy of having studied hard and passed a test or worked for hours on a difficult writing assignment. I would love to get back into that area since it's my dream to be like spidey, smart but still cool at the same time, but this lack of sex is just damning me to hell. Really, how do other people do it? How do they survive this nonsense?
I guess they just run away from their stupid school and home life and learn the birds and bees themselves. It's stupid crap that most schools don't teach it and I have to suffer for an entire month before I possibly have an opportunity to learn the good stuff from the airforce. 23, I'll be if I get enlisted. Sad thing is that I could have gotten in a lot sooner if I didn't have such stupid parents, and no this isn't just your typical spoiled brat blaming his parents for everything, these guys hate me. I was a terror as a toddler so they are taking their hatred out on me now that they can get away with it. They starved me for a year while I was trying to learn to shave just in case you don't realize how bad I had it. I eventually stuck to my guns and they came back to their senses once I nearly died from a stomach virus thing. But eh... I just have to deal with this. Nothing I can do...
Here's why I can't enjoy life. I'm a statistic as i said, just another black college drop out, but my situation is part of a much larger problem, the failure of sex education. I'm 22 damn years old. Soon to be 23 and I have NO idea what so ever how to deal with my body's sexual functions. And I'm expected to care about freudian theories, some stupid critical thinking, whatever the hell. I can't. As much as I'd like to sit for hours debating stuff, I seriously can't relax myself enough to do it, and that kills me because I used to enjoy it. Every intelligent person knows the joy of having studied hard and passed a test or worked for hours on a difficult writing assignment. I would love to get back into that area since it's my dream to be like spidey, smart but still cool at the same time, but this lack of sex is just damning me to hell. Really, how do other people do it? How do they survive this nonsense?
I guess they just run away from their stupid school and home life and learn the birds and bees themselves. It's stupid crap that most schools don't teach it and I have to suffer for an entire month before I possibly have an opportunity to learn the good stuff from the airforce. 23, I'll be if I get enlisted. Sad thing is that I could have gotten in a lot sooner if I didn't have such stupid parents, and no this isn't just your typical spoiled brat blaming his parents for everything, these guys hate me. I was a terror as a toddler so they are taking their hatred out on me now that they can get away with it. They starved me for a year while I was trying to learn to shave just in case you don't realize how bad I had it. I eventually stuck to my guns and they came back to their senses once I nearly died from a stomach virus thing. But eh... I just have to deal with this. Nothing I can do...
Wednesday, February 4, 2009
My life begins NOW
I've decided to stop being negative about my future... I look around me every day and see men who've accepted their place in life, not trying to better themselves or improve life for men, just living for living sake... And "Without a war to fight the warrior might as well be dead, Stallion."
I see the path I must take now as a young man trying to become a real man. Yes, that's my War. Manhood is in a crisis now as the world shifts into uncharted territory where gender is practically meaningless. Some would say there's nothing wrong with that, but I disagree completely. There's a lot wrong. My generation's getting the boot by a society that's turned its eyes more towards females. We're angry and we let our anger out online but there's nothing we can do from that point but rant repeatedly... I guess it's because there's not many women in power and everything's mostly run by men that men are continually neglected. Yet of course we wouldn't want to live in a world where men stayed home and didn't work at all would we?
I saw a show on tv in which this new generation woman was whining about not getting to work and having to stay home and be bored all day. I couldn't believe it. There's so much you can do outside of work but we've been brainwashed to believe work= life and without it you're nothing. I hate work. If I could just learn the piano, learn a language, learn to build sexy muscles all day, that's what I'd do since I know I'm interested in spending time on that. In fact, I'm going to buy a piano and learn to play because I have this song in my head that I came up with while I was in that mental hospital in florida. It's just something that I've been trying to get out into musical form and I've made an effort to keep it memorized so that one day I could play it and record it. It'll be a best sellar, maybe...
But anyway, I start life now. No more whining, I'm just going to live and enjoy it.
I see the path I must take now as a young man trying to become a real man. Yes, that's my War. Manhood is in a crisis now as the world shifts into uncharted territory where gender is practically meaningless. Some would say there's nothing wrong with that, but I disagree completely. There's a lot wrong. My generation's getting the boot by a society that's turned its eyes more towards females. We're angry and we let our anger out online but there's nothing we can do from that point but rant repeatedly... I guess it's because there's not many women in power and everything's mostly run by men that men are continually neglected. Yet of course we wouldn't want to live in a world where men stayed home and didn't work at all would we?
I saw a show on tv in which this new generation woman was whining about not getting to work and having to stay home and be bored all day. I couldn't believe it. There's so much you can do outside of work but we've been brainwashed to believe work= life and without it you're nothing. I hate work. If I could just learn the piano, learn a language, learn to build sexy muscles all day, that's what I'd do since I know I'm interested in spending time on that. In fact, I'm going to buy a piano and learn to play because I have this song in my head that I came up with while I was in that mental hospital in florida. It's just something that I've been trying to get out into musical form and I've made an effort to keep it memorized so that one day I could play it and record it. It'll be a best sellar, maybe...
But anyway, I start life now. No more whining, I'm just going to live and enjoy it.
Adulthood
I'm fascinated by it. I'm not fully a man yet, that much is clear... but I have time... I'm 22 now, 23 in April. 2 years until 25 and by then if my plan works, I'll have been an airman for that long. Then I can get an associates which should be easy since I'm already mostly there. I finished my core courses for my BA, and hopefully I can finish college and get it over with while enlisted. The good thing is that I'm not in debt now in this bad economy. The bad thing is that as is evident I'm no genius and if you're not a genius or close to it as a black person, you're in trouble. sure society will accommodate you because it'll always need two working hands to get stuff done, but the unfortunate reality I've discovered is that blacks are kind of shooting themselves in the foot by supporting the stereotype that they are stupid. Which isn't true at all but it's like some self fulfilling prophecy on which most black youth continue to cling because being intelligent is looked at as being a sellout, trying to please "the man." WTF. If I wasn't as intelligent as I am now, I'd be no where, no money, no ability to decide right from wrong quickly, know when to shut up, know when to speak, whatever... It's true there are people in high places that want to get rid of the dopey blockheads that annoy them by any means... sadly, I see it every day. Even black people who've achieved a certain level of success act like I'm totally stupid because they've met more stupid young black guys than my variety. It's that boys in the hood scenario, but from my journeys online I've learned just how important an education is. Maaaaaaaaaan are there people out there who've never met a smart black person or what...
Going back to the main topic, it's the dividing line between those who consider themselves true adults and those who are considered man-children. If you're sophisticated, well read, knowledgable, quick witted, you're in the club! It's that simple. Racism will always be there, but that brain will be your best defense when it comes, that's for sure. I read a story about a masters degree student, black guy, who was of course arrested for no reason by some racist cops. He's not one to boast about his credentials but since he had nothing left but that, he told them he was a masters degree student and they let him go. Yes it's sad, and unjust, and unfair, but life IS NOT FAIR. Sometimes you have to go against the rules to win.
Going back to the main topic, it's the dividing line between those who consider themselves true adults and those who are considered man-children. If you're sophisticated, well read, knowledgable, quick witted, you're in the club! It's that simple. Racism will always be there, but that brain will be your best defense when it comes, that's for sure. I read a story about a masters degree student, black guy, who was of course arrested for no reason by some racist cops. He's not one to boast about his credentials but since he had nothing left but that, he told them he was a masters degree student and they let him go. Yes it's sad, and unjust, and unfair, but life IS NOT FAIR. Sometimes you have to go against the rules to win.
Tuesday, February 3, 2009
Airforce recruitment
It's going well. i'm finally getting somewhere with my, how do I put this, case for enlistment. I have to fight my way into the military, can you believe that? I have to fight my way into a place where I can potentially be tossed into a war zone and blown to bits. STUPID. But... eh, my recruiter's the nicest guy in the universe. He really identifies with my struggle to kind of get going in life despite having to overcome race issues and whatever else. I was permanently disqualified from entry into the Airforce back in 2004 because I mistakenly put down that I had an allergy while at Meps. I was just f'n 17 then... If I had gotten in then, I wouldn't be this pitiful mess I am now, I can assure you, internet. I have always considered myself to be a military man since I was 8 years old. I don't like nor want to live an ordinary civilian life. It's fake. It's a bunch of people pretending to get along even though they secretly hate each other. I hate that. Military, it's straight forward, WE F U UP. What's better than that?
It's manly. Even the women are manly in the military. Out here, men aren't men. I look at my big fat dad and he's no longer a man. I look around and see men have prettymuch become women. I'm not saying we shouldn't be free to do that, but jesus christ, I'm at a point where I'm trying to mature into a man and have very little examples to kind of draw from. Who? Who's manly on tv or movies anymore? I mean really manly. I mean getting shot and not giving a damn manly. All spidey does is cry, all these other movies are about how hard it is to please a woman bla bla bull crap. I want manly cinema back just like it used to be. No more nerds saving the world crap. I want a guy like stallone back, pure basic manhood plowing through life through sheer will.
I would love to see that actually. I want a movie that made for MEN and that's it. Just a big ol' man movie instead of the next stupid sissy juno thing. I'll care about artsy cinema when I'm old and waiting to die. Now I want to live! Dragonball looks to be bringing back some testosterone to cinema. Rambo did last year but eh, it's not enough. And stallone couldn't do the stuff he used to do. Oh but batman was manly one might say. I thought the movie was trying too hard to be manly actually. It was like a commentary on how boys today struggle to figure out how to be men and think that being disgusting and violent is the best way to achieve it. I don't mind that, no. But I remember a time when manly movie was more about coolness under pressure than wreckless violence, a somber depressing tone... a movie could be like something like johnny quest and feature gadgets and high adventure, good ol' american underdog spirit which to me is manly.
That's what men do... We're hunters, explorers, warriors, builders, workers, and protectors. Instead we get movies about how much we hurt inside or some shit. Yeah we hurt, but that's why we invented beer.
It's manly. Even the women are manly in the military. Out here, men aren't men. I look at my big fat dad and he's no longer a man. I look around and see men have prettymuch become women. I'm not saying we shouldn't be free to do that, but jesus christ, I'm at a point where I'm trying to mature into a man and have very little examples to kind of draw from. Who? Who's manly on tv or movies anymore? I mean really manly. I mean getting shot and not giving a damn manly. All spidey does is cry, all these other movies are about how hard it is to please a woman bla bla bull crap. I want manly cinema back just like it used to be. No more nerds saving the world crap. I want a guy like stallone back, pure basic manhood plowing through life through sheer will.
I would love to see that actually. I want a movie that made for MEN and that's it. Just a big ol' man movie instead of the next stupid sissy juno thing. I'll care about artsy cinema when I'm old and waiting to die. Now I want to live! Dragonball looks to be bringing back some testosterone to cinema. Rambo did last year but eh, it's not enough. And stallone couldn't do the stuff he used to do. Oh but batman was manly one might say. I thought the movie was trying too hard to be manly actually. It was like a commentary on how boys today struggle to figure out how to be men and think that being disgusting and violent is the best way to achieve it. I don't mind that, no. But I remember a time when manly movie was more about coolness under pressure than wreckless violence, a somber depressing tone... a movie could be like something like johnny quest and feature gadgets and high adventure, good ol' american underdog spirit which to me is manly.
That's what men do... We're hunters, explorers, warriors, builders, workers, and protectors. Instead we get movies about how much we hurt inside or some shit. Yeah we hurt, but that's why we invented beer.
What I think of Girls
I would like to think they're good souls and all that. I would love to believe that I should just treat all women with respect like I've been taught, or more like brainwashed, since childhood from the feminist ruled education system, but mark my words fellow men, IT'S BULL CRAP. Women don't want to be treated nice for some strange reason. If you do, you're gay or you're a pussy, or whatever. I understand that they want a protector, but what's wrong with being a nice person who treats everyone with common respect the way Jesus would? What's wrong with people! I get so stressed out all the time.
That's why many men today are becoming bitter and hateful towards women. I as a black person am realizing that I can't do that because people will say, "well you're black, you can identify with being hated by people can't you?" Yep, but I'm still angry at the way women of all races are taking advantage of men. I have to be level headed about it though and not go into a mind-set of hatred of others as a way of boosting my own self esteem, it's a slippery slope. "You do for yourself." - Rocky Balboa. I agree. We shouldn't blame people for our problems but damn it if there's not a lot of women hoping men don't wake up to the fact that they're playing them for fools...
got to go to work. Be back later this afternoon.
That's why many men today are becoming bitter and hateful towards women. I as a black person am realizing that I can't do that because people will say, "well you're black, you can identify with being hated by people can't you?" Yep, but I'm still angry at the way women of all races are taking advantage of men. I have to be level headed about it though and not go into a mind-set of hatred of others as a way of boosting my own self esteem, it's a slippery slope. "You do for yourself." - Rocky Balboa. I agree. We shouldn't blame people for our problems but damn it if there's not a lot of women hoping men don't wake up to the fact that they're playing them for fools...
got to go to work. Be back later this afternoon.
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