damn

I relapsed. I'm trying to quit the pornoes but the urge is too much to purge. It's like drugs or something... I hate myself after I do it. Would a girlfriend fix the problem, I wonder... Never had one of those... And I don't want any kids. Life suuuuuuuuuucks. Who'd want to put kids through all this painful garbage? I mean, yeah if you're white hell yeah, have a brady bunch and do whatever you want to do. I was at work trying to get some breakfast and there's this white cop there ordering his food. It's funny the way people kind of subconsciously express their true beliefs, because the cooks were so darn delighted as if jesus himself was ordering from them, then when I ordered they treated me differently, eh, maybe they knew the guy personally... all those people have been working there for years, what do I know...

I'm still waiting for the airforce to call me... yep. Still waiting... I should have been in there since 2004 but that went south. This will be the only thing that'll save me in a sense. The real world's too cruel and people out there too crazy. I need a place to not feel afraid all the time to get back into gear and study, become a writer, all that stuff. I'll do it this time. I'll pray tonight. Haven't done that in a while... maybe just maybe it'll do some good...