Life now and Life then

Life for me now is about money, which is funny because I've never been interested in having it. I'm an artist at heart so I'm more interested in dreaming than buying stuff. But now it's become fully clear to me how important money is in this world. I've been told that I own my parents house, that when they're gone, I'll own it and can do whatever I want with it. I suppose it'll be up to me what happens with it then, whether I decide to spend the rest of my life in it or go on. And I'll need money for that.

Life back in the past was different. I didn't seriously think about adulthood. Childhood is a very shortsighted time. No kid imagines burying their parents, having to pay bills, learn to live with other people peacefully... They dream of flying shuttles to the moon and all sorts of impossible crap that will never happen.

My parent are at the stage in their life when they're preparing to die. My father speaks to me as if he's already dead, just says stuff in a poetic way as if it's his last words. My mother is more sensible but her life's been so rough, she's become paranoid and thinks I'm becoming like my awful father. On top of that I have to fight my way through their empty nest syndrome to start my own life and find some kind of way to enjoy it. That's why when I look at kids enjoying themselves I'm glad because I never really did, outside of movies and whatever. I was bullied, I was alone, and now I'm just a loser adult trying to claw his way back to his feet after having a traumatic experience at a message board. I want to forget it, but it's not simple to do... It never is with internet addiction.

I'm going to cut porn off completely now. I now know it's an addiction and not just something everybody does from time to time. You lose yourself in it. Like today, I went out, I did my business with my sargent, then I come back home and I see I still have a naked babe on my screen and it's just not as interesting to me as it was earlier in the day. It's some kind of psychological shift. I think if I just get off it, I'll have a clearer head at least. I'll need it out there since I look like some kind of weird exotic mixed race person, so people will assume stuff about me and I'll need my wits about me and such... And real life girls are better. mmmmm