Computer down

Why my net usage haz bbeen crippled. Its forced me to actually semi turn bacj to  ab90s kid. I cant binge watch stuff... can't play video games. I've mostly been going for walks and cooking stuff and I mean besides hot white girl porno been barely using the web for the usual long winded shit I post here... I'm crippled... but I've gotten forced to be less dependent which is good. Power supply on my pc exploded. I can only hope it boots once install a new one and can finish static.

But yeah there it is. Unless you follow me on Twitter you'd think I just quit blogging. It's a quick divorce internet life. It's so quick.

So when I do stop blogging etc either I'm dead or I just quit. I see it a lot online and inevitably I too will cease to be a crazy online need fucktard. I really don't give a damn...

thawtz on the stabbing of junior

Boy, goddamn son. I've been there, getting jumped here in the bronx. Got lucky guy didn't kill me. Don't know why the fuck you think a little high school fuck like me has money, but you found out real quick my pockets were empty... So from that point forward I always carried a weapon whenever I had to walk the streets here in the bronx. It was my intro to the real world, fight or die kinda shit.

I feel bad for the dude, and he wasn't even the person they wanted to kill. Wrong kid, huh... everything wrong about this case, just a bunch of goons thinking they're accomplishing something and getting a nice dumb ass clear as shit example of their own stupidity by being caught on camera committing murder... They're going down... Hopefully anyway... word is one of them has already fled the country...

The bronx cops are gonna round up black and latino youth just for nothing now that they're in hunt mode, I can assure you.

And the fucked up part of this all is? If he had pepper spray on him, would have survived I bet...

The cops confiscated my pepper spray because technically it is illegal. Not here in the Bronx you dumb fucks. If you don't go out packing some self defense weapon on you, you're in the wrong neighborhood.. These street punks don't give two fucks about you...

I will buy more pepper spray and have it on me, I don't give a F what the police want to think. It's not  a nice world... if he popped some pepper in those guy's faces while they were trying to kill him, would have been a lot less stab wounds perhaps, something...

So I will give you young guys my permission. Ignore the law, buy self defense pepper spray, pocket knife, whatever you can get to protect yourself here in this shit town...

Nobody will be there or care when the gang members jump you. Nobody... Some dick head cop with his head up his ass is not going to show up or give a fuck.... So do what you can to take care of you...

RIP young dude, shit way to go out...

More fun

Goddamn waiting... I think it's best to go down for the dinner hours rather than be here early. It's about that prime time dinner hour more than the afternoon rush hour. So I'm going to be kinda lounging around with no orders instead of being bombarded with them. Shit... no library open just nothing at the moment but the boring typical people of this grinding gear that is the city...

Returning the scooter

So down these days. Don't get it. I used to be quite enthusiastic about life in some sort of way. I just don't know what it is, guess I mourn for the time I've lost, truth be told. I don't really feel old yet, but certainly feel like my youth has been robbed away from me. I never truly had honest to God fun as a kid besides the weekends when there was no bull shit school and tv was awesome. It's awkward to be treated like I'm f'n 50 and been through everything and seen it all and lived a long life.

I ain't done shit yet... ain't done nothing... I may be legally an adult, but I'm a damn retarded child-like version due to forces beyond my control...

Yunno what I think. If you're young punk kid, and you're being told follow the law, do the right thing, stay in school, don't get pussy, don't do anything major or interesting, just be a mindless drone going through the daily schedule you're given.

DON'T.

Take chances, make mistakes. I followed the rules, now I sit here looking at a world that hates my black ass and I have to constantly feel scared of everyone and everything and have no experience with girls no life lived worth a damn.

All cuz I decided to be a good guy...

Not saying make a ruckus and start constant trouble and go on killing sprees. But don't be the system's bitch. Just don't. It's better to have lived, done things, experience life, than get older and don't have a scratch on you from doing things and getting out and living.

So my scooter I spent 165 dollars on is a pile of garbage. Will be returning it. Sad because it'd have helped a lot to just have something to go to the movies with real quick or whatever.... But safe to say this slow snail scooter can't manage the distance to the theater if it tried. It's a cheap piece of junk...

Thank goodness for return policies...

Gonna check out Toys R us today to see if I can get a ghostbusters toy for cheap. My caviar and postemates money finally dropped and I have enough to go on a spree at toys r us today if i want... They claim over there that they're going to mark the prices down even further to where it's gonna be too cheap... literally the bank owns the store now, that toys r us is gonna just become a totally different store or something at some point, so even if they mark it down to a penny they have to get rid of all the toys.... so yeah gonna be some good deals. I just hope the damn gb toys I saw in there are still there since they're not in the aisle that people generally always go to....

F'n still pissed about that guy stealing my bike... Did he take it thinking it was a free bike give away at the store or did he just feel like stealing it and making a profit selling it... obviously just an asshole looking to steal a bike of course. Black guy... black people stealing, sadly it's the thing that makes blacks consistently not the world's favorite form of human... A lot of things I can tell you about make even me not like black people much... Makes no sense right, I am freakin black. If I don't like black people, well where's the logic there... Hard to say.... just Damn son, black people are some f'd up people, all there really is to say on the matter... f'd up... like it's just tough to go a damn day without black-angst cropping up and whole bunch of animosity and crap going on... It's been interesting observing that one black guy who's the jackass and goes around instigating fights with everyone and making damn sure the kkk still has a reason to exist... always been interesting....

Not something I like to return my thoughts to in this blog, the complexity of the black experience. I just wish everyone was just not putting anyone down, everybody just acknowledging the strengths and weaknesses of all people. How is that so hard?

Well soon enough be rid of this scooter and watch some movies, and continue my healing that I'm trying to do. I've wrecked my muscles as I previously stated. They're needing days to repair and rebuild. Still immensely sore from biking and tearing the fibers down.... It sucks. I could barely move or walk after that long day of bike riding... My muscles haven't had to do that for months since I stopped making the static movie and have been laying down for hours editing, playing videogames, watching movies... so my muscles shrunk away only being strong enough for stair climbing and short walks, not miles of bike riding....

Sorta like what I've been saying, you got to get off your ass and do stuff or you're gonna just get weaker as a person, it's the basic truth...

So the current events

I'm concerned, yes. I think about it. It's got to be horrifying ordeal for the families and obviously it's caused deaths this "policy" that's being put forth by a bunch of goons in the government.

Sad that the gov works like it does, bunch of people blindly following orders without just using common sense or basic logic at times... Worked with a few goons in tsa who were seriously devoted to it, like not stepping a toe out of the rules even if they didn't need to be perfectly followed to get the job done well. That was a wake up call, some people have some kind of OCD type of crap where they love to follow orders to the last letter and go ape shit if you question them. Such utter nonsense...

You can be a human being. You can show compassion. You can show understanding of what people are going through and make adjustments to the rules to suit that... Like, I'm not going to view an elderly as hell person as a threat and go full force investigating them etc.... a family with little kids etc, not gonna go crazy looking over every inch of their bags for explosives, gotta be kidding....

Sometimes yeah the rules just don't make much sense...  I can site instances where we gotta test little girls for explosives at times, I mean just wtf with that... That of course scares the crap out of them. First time going on a plane, oh by the way, gotta make sure your little punk ass doesn't start any trouble... such asinine rules.

Just like, constantly re-searching a bag after you find the tooth paste that set it off... and that's an awkward thing to decide is not allowed, tooth paste... just dumb stuff, man...

Don't know, I've seen some stuff that just doesn't make sense to do man... and if you want to cause a plane to go down, get a job at the airport, walk right on in and toss a timed explosive into it at work, workers don't get checked... it'd be that easy... but no, it's the little girl that's the problem...

Break time

I'm going on a week vacation from postemates and caviar...

Certainly not something people with a regular job can say of course.. I don't have to worry about rent and shit, still in that limbo where you're searching for a job to be able to afford such an existence.

I don't give two giant F's about how people EXPECT you to just go out and "get a job" like it's nothing. It can take a solid year to get employed if it's a certain type of job, and typically several months for normal bottom barrel jobs. The only thing I can hop on quick and do quickly is app gigs. So no, don't talk to me about how it's my fault I'm unemployed. It's a goddamn olympic feat to get a job anywhere out there in this corrupt society. Tripple nipple hard if you're black of course...

So tired as hell tonight. I do need a break from running around manhattan. It's bound to lead to a run in with the police. I don't have any ill will towards them. In fact, I was friends with a guy in TSA who was working on getting in with the police and I worked with cops every day at the airport. The cops are the ones who treat Me and other TSA like insignificant ants, but overall we were doing similar thankless work, and had a rapor with each other... There was a mutual respect.

They got to lose that attitude of holier than thou because of that badge and gun, and there'd be a lot less friction between police and people. I KNOW who cops are because I worked with them. When they put on that act of being captain america, I always roll my eyes... they're freakin people...

But what can I do. Power corrupts, does it not...

 So what was it that caused such a emo downturn yesterday. I don't want to dwell on it.... it's over. It's just like, shit... fuck... it's gone... that thing that I wanted to save, is in a flash, gone... That sucks. I guess since I'm so socially stunted, something like that means so much to me... If I got out more, yeah wouldn't have been the end of the universe...

Today was lucrative if draining... such long postemates. I think it's time to abandon postemates. For the second time they gave me an order for something from the depths of manhattan to deliver up to the top of harlem. I did it because legit I'd be sitting there waiting for an order instead, so I decided to take the pain and do it.. challenge myself or whatever. And it was exactly what I feared, it was long, terribly painful and up hill mostly...

One tiny pint of ice cream on a 3 mile bike ride up hill. THINK. ABOUT. THAT.

Fuck Postemates.

Not doing them no more... They're insane. That's not even a reasonable order... if it's a meal, dinner, and cost much and whatever... makes sense. You're delivering dinner to someone who's maybe not able to get out of bed or something. There's people who are immobile and can't go out... so app ordering is all they have... But no, this person was just lazy and didn't want to take the time go to the supermarket for icecream.

So it's what these people are all about, being lazy as balls and trying to get away with ordering shit from miles away and have some sucker deliver it to them... sad shit.

I think caviar works based on proximity. If you're near the more expensive restaraunts that's what they'll give you. like I was just near the shake shack in harlem and suddenly I got an order. So I'd have never gotten that order if I was down at 35th street in the bottom. Makes perfect sense that the orders you get are based on the proximity to the restaurant. They're not going to screw the workforce by making them travel freakin 5 miles down to go to a restaruant way down... so I learned my lesson. Got to stick close to the high class restaurants and hopefully the orders start flowing....

Don't know what to do right now. It's hard to not only get tossed in jail for a night, but lose stuff ya wanted to keep for eternity.... not easy to come to grips with that stuff. I was thinking yeah, you need some kind of time to heal and maybe even forget your pain some how... just let the mind erase it...

I'd like to just fucking erase a lot of the last couple of weeks, just get rid of it...

Emotion and pain

How I wish I didn't have them. So to put it as bluntly as possible, I screwed up... Not the first time and certainly not going to be the last...

Like I've had moments of cold emptiness where you break or lose something valuable you'll never get back...

I kinda have crossed the threshhold I suppose into that mental state where you give in to defeat but go crazy in the process.

What's my dumb ass going on about. I think about it and do want to just let it fucking go. It's not the end of the world.

But my emotions overwhelmed me. I died inside when it happened. The soul is real. And when it feels the pain of failure, it's real. It's so visceral, gut churning when your soul screams out in horror or pain...

Thatt's what I was feeling. It was beyond physical pain. I don't care about physical pain. But to have my f'n soul ripped apart, it crushed me. I dropped mood-wise. Felt absolutely f'n horrible....

Still feel horrible. I mean, I don't know what to feel. I'm just existing. I'm not really here, not participating... I'm that emotionally broken up about it.

Shit happened so fast... it was just flipping a switch. One minute, normal. Next second later, devastated, broken, depressed beyond reason.

That's not fair to have that kind of weakness and I feel so limp and flimsy a person to be crushed so quick and easily by bad move that wasn't truly my fault, I was groggy and pressed the button without knowing fully it would screw up my day just that quick...

My mind is struggling to figure out how to spin this into a positive or at least a moderately ok situation... It's not finding the answer. And that's what's killing me, not being able to solve the equation. The mind is a computer. Imagine telling a computer to solve an unsolvable equation or something. It crashes of course. My brain crashed. I crashed... I'm frozen and damn well need a reboot.

I may move on from this but it's gone, whatever part of me existed before this, it's so gone, it's just gone.....

Long ass day

Goddamn though, quite a food town manhattan. I'm becoming sort of an expert on the variety of restaurants down there. In my opinion if you're looking to start a business, the best one to start is food. It's probably a goddamn million dollar industry alone down there in the city. That's what people do all day, eat and shit. So you got a business model that truly will not die or become obsolete some point later...

Always loved culinary arts, always. Damn would be nice to get in there and kinda invent new dishes and all that stuff. It looks like fun... Sucks that it's like tough to follow through on that career. It's a good one if you want to truly not only support yourself but get to be creative and make something up that hasn't been done already... hmm...

well today yet another damn day of deliveries. New sights to see, girls to kinda have around and not be able to fuck and squeeze but there they are all nice to look at... that's all ya get buddy...

So bone tired, but overall it was a positive day. Found a nice little watering hole where I can get cheap soda and snacks between deliveries, that's a plus.. might even be a free outlet in that spot to charge the scooter while I wait for the next postmate.

Tomorrow will be the last time I use the bike hopefully... I'm tired of it. It's a creaky old ass bike, sucks and I'm hopefully gonna just be able to take it easy on my legs, not getting any younger eh...

Very hectic to bike in prime time hours in the city. Not only distracted by titties everywhere, but then there's just too many people, bikes and cars all in one crammed space. It's just a waste of time navigating through all that bull when I can glide through it all on a scooter easy peasy.

Delivered Pizza today spiderman style... shitty f'n long bike ride to deliver stupid pizza to lazy but nice white chick. Probably a pizza place right across the street from her apartment but they don't care...

Of course bike has no pizza rack or anything of the sort so I had to improvise and get creative by rubber banding the damn thing to the basket.... boy what a hectic ride... Glad nothing major happened, that's all. I'd have been like, I don't even know what I'd have done if I dropped the pizza and fucked it up... I don't know...

So I learned that postemates does pizza and doesn't give a giant damn if you have appropriate pizza carrying gear... How the F am I going to deliver pizza on a scooter... That baffles my ass. I don't know one crap. you know, Maybe I can create something. But definitely what I think I'll do is find a way to strap it to my caviar bag... but damn son, just awful that they're expecting you to have equipment you don't typically have, weird... Like, the bag they send you for postmates is actually adequate for the typical postmates delivery, usually a quick lunch or dinner order. It makes sense, they give you a flimsy thermal bag. So WHY did they give me an order for a full giant pizza? They literally KNOW that you can't fit that in a thermal bag. Yet they're being slick and trying to get away with cramming tougher orders and distances down on us. They're a joke, postemates, an absolute joke.

I only bothered doing their orders because caviar for whatever reason gave me nothing tonight but one stupid cheap order that didn't allow me to click accept... hell no, don't know what's up with that shit. I don't know why they didn't blaze me up with orders. They're the better app by a mile. You don't do pizza EVER on caviar, never done one. They're a high class thing mostly... I've done kinda lower class places, but not really. The people who order caviar are the upper crust lazy sobs, got high level educations, MONEY and are lazy. So ordering pizza from some poopdoop little place is beneath them. Damn, man.... Just I guess I got to schedule myself to get orders? I don't know... I've done days where I've not scheduled myself and got shit load of orders... maybe today was just a slow ass day for them? I think since the weather was so good not many people stayed in... no idea...

Going to hopefully get my Lando Hawaian punch skin tonight after grinding battlefront for days now to afford it. It's sacreligious for me to play as Glover Lando, I know... But I think it's a hilarious thing to be the fake ass, ridiculous Lando from Solo, and spice things up for once as battlefront is kinda losing its steam as a game, nothing new about it, same old grind again and again... And I guess it's my way of finally playing Lando in Solo? I don't know, I just want to rock that skin. It's always funny to see Glover Lando running around in battlefront, it's just wtf to see him looking so damn goofy. It's been the highlight of matches, when guys pop in with him....

Alright gone too long, another day of yippy skippy will be had tomorrow...

Mo money fo me

Only good thing at all about going out into manhattan these days is the girls. Some fine ones down thar...

Wanna just rip that shirt off...

Oh well, did more deliveries. Got a good bit of cash today which is what I'm hoping for with this thing... Could attempt the 85 delivery postmates thing, but to be honest you'd need to dedicate hours to delivering and have a fast vehicle so you can get around quick. Not possible by bike, sorry...

Gonna do it again tomorrow... mostly just caviar, don't really want to bother with postmates. I was hopeful that this person was paralyzed, elderly, something that made it seem ok that they'd order ice cream from a store that's literally just across the street, but I was wrong. Fully healthy young lady, could have just gone to the store, but hell to the naw, I'm a lazy bitch.

F postmates if that's the idea behind the service. basically a cheap room-service for lazy white people. Go goddamn screw yourself.

I'm sick of delivering to lazy fat assholes.

I mean that's all it is, you're delivering to lazy jackasses. But at least caviar isn't going to short-change you. The money if you run caviar a lot is actually quite good. Sufficient to afford to probably pay rent and all that or at least cut deeply into it.

I can imagine if you do it for a few hours after work every day, you'd easily cut into your rent by half or more.

Not a bad system.

What am I going to try to do... get into door dash, get a goddamn gas powered bike some point... Instacart is operating up here. I could have fixed my car, just ran instacart up here and all over the bronx instead of struggling to make pennies running around manhattan... But I'm honestly sick of that car and don't think it'd have survived much longer, ran that thing hard, it committed suicide on me...

Yeah, but once I build a decent good gas powered bike, gonna start doing instacart up here full time. Lots of lazy ass white people live here in the more affluent areas of the bronx and yonkers etc... gold to be mined delivering their stupid groceries.

And I'm not gonna need a car for that... problem is they order like a years worth of food some times. Don't know if I can deal with that much load on my bike when I build it and get it up and running nice.

Don't know if the law's gonna come down on me if they catch me trying to earn an honest living running food deliveries to old white people which is half of instacart's customer base.... The cops can go shove off. I don't give two shits if they come after me while I'm delivering. I honestly don't. F'n shoot me dead if you want to. What do I have to lose. If I'm breaking the goddamn law by doing what I'm doing, I don't care. I so don't care. Oh how horrible, getting some elderly white woman her meals. You terrible law breaker you awful criminal. SUCK IT...

Thawtz on today

Did some deliveries in the asian section of manhattan a part I've not ventured into much... Got to say, I felt at home there. Maybe I'm actually part asian and don't know it. I have no damn clue for crap what my true genetic origins are. Both of my parents are black, but both of them are mixed with white and other things. So I came out looking oddest of all... I never looked straight identifiable. I could easily pass for hispanic or indian if I so chose. One of my super powers... Might be a slight bit of asian in me too. I honestly don't know...

One thing you start noticing is that we're quite similar. I mean, I look at asian girls and kinda just see a very light as hell black girl in some of them... They got like a black-girl booty and nice thick lips and plump titties, it's like the same stuff as most black girls I've been seeing my whole damn life. So you'll find asian chicks are like a spinoff version of black girls when you start looking at them close up. Like this one girl I grew up going to school with. She's straight up probably part asian, she was so asian looking. Truth is she's black-hispanic girl, but her parents must have been either very asian or white or something. Like, I used to go to mad mixed race schools as a kid... Florida probably the least racist place I've ever been too. Everyone's happy in florida. Even Black people kinda have it easier in florida since it's such a wonderful place to live, race stuff just isn't important down there, just living good, going to the beach every day, getting sun, good life in florida... but yeah, one girl I went to school with was easily asian-black mixed and she was wow.... just looking back on her, she was awkward to define... she was just a weird black girl and weird asian girl at the same time... fascinating to kinda see that in person...

So yeah, freakin seeing people and going out is kinda not something I'm used to and I'm not at all comfortable just being around nice looking girls all the time. So to suddenly wake up go out and you got nice ass, nice titties in yo face, it kinda overwhelming to put it lightly...

You get this idea in your head, oh, gotta get sum of dat right derrr...

Such a mess, it shouldn't be this stupid and complicated... get a girl you like, damnit and enjoy your damn life with her and shut up... why is everything so complicated and over-thought in regards to that stuff?

I want some damn pussy. I want some every day...

Gonna do more deliveries tomorrow... Strangely Caviar didn't give me one order... I don't know what's up with that... probably should go down earlier, do orders for it for lunch, then do the dinner orders.... doing the casual postmates in between. Probablem with that is postmates is insante. I knew it'd screw me with an order that demanded miles and miles of pedalling.

Listen. I've done postemates where I've had to drive from the bottom of manhattan all the way up to an apartment complex in harlem. THINK ABOUT THAT. Postemates will screw you so hard and give you a delivery of a f'n lunch box that has to go across the island of manhattan itself. And it did it to me tonight. I get something and have to deliver it on a 19 minute bike ride all the way to the bottom of manhattan near the big ass ocean.... jesus f'n christ...

I mean good God. And there's a perfectly good whole foods right next door. You can't just go down and get a bite to eat. You want special f'n indian food?

That was the joke. I rode that hard that long for that much time, denied myself doing other orders and I find a big ass whole foods next door, plus tons of restaraunts near by the person could have probably ordered from, whatever... none of that crap made sense to do....

So what do I think about asian people now that I've kinda experienced them more. I have to say, that's a sad thing, I grew up loving asian culture and movies, but I've never actually gotten to know one. They're great. They're like a spin-off of black people.. It's like, yeah, it's that simple really. They got the same black-features but like done in a better way if that makes sense. I was having a good time enjoying the show. Asian girls f'n love booty shorts, man. That's like their specialty....

I mean I've seen heaven in asian females man, got so much titty and ass it's like wow, good God, hit the lottery that woman...

Well not going to go on forever, just some weird ass thoughts of the day... sure to have more fun stories tomorrow or whatever... time to heal from the horrors, do it again tomorrow, then again after that. Then should get my scooter and hopefully not really have to go crazy with a bike like a retard...

Don't know what to say tonight

Kinda lost to be honest... lost as shit...

Only thing I think makes some sense is that I watched a youtube vid about why we have to ejaculate, and oh finally it makes sense. Sperm dies. Ejaculating it out makes room for younger sperm to generate... nobody tells you this of course. Who the flying fuuuuunk cares if black people get decent sex education... so now I know through the magic of youtube.

I don't have to jack off every day, just about once per week will be enough to clean out the balls then you're good until the sperm start to grow old and you need to make room for new younger ones...

There's your pro-tip if you're learning about that goop that comes out of your body. It's another bodily function that kinda has to be done about once per week as it takes roughly 7 days for sperm to grow to max age or whatever the f happens in there...

I suggest you seek out a school with an actual sex and human biology program for your kid or just teach them the truth about what they'll be going through. This society is kinda ridiculous about sex and is trying to stifle and hide people from it as if it'll kill them to know the function of their own body, but it's the way we operate, proud to be retarded.

On that particular note, found someone throwing books out in the trash... I saved a few I thought would be worth saving and brought them back with me to check them out...

You could just ya know, give them to a charity, sell them for a buck, not blatantly toss em out in the trash like they're meaningless pieces of empty paper...

That's sad... To be that thoughtless and inconsiderate to just casually through away valuable knowledge and interesting stories... Oh jesus christ... Children's books too, how many kids care centers could use those for the kids to read while they're there... but no, garbage to this person. Go f'n jump off a cliff....

Well I'll be running deliveries again tomorrow and hopefully nothing goes wrong... Need to earn enough to afford to build my gas powered bike at least, plus cargo trailer...

Also, probably not worth mentioning, but wow huh... was playing battlefront and it was fascinating really. I guess there's a way for people to know what race you are while playing. It doesn't bother me, it's just kinda strange that two different players went on a racial tirade against me as if they knew I was black some how... It's just odd.... That's all BF is really bunch of whiny spoiled white kids railing against black people and whoever through the text chat box. Literally play long enough and you'll find that guy who's going nuts with nigger mania all night. Oh don't worry you'll be a nigger some day, don't have to obsess over it right now... you gonna join the family...

F'n strange. I don't know... nor do I give two shits, it's just the oddest damn thing to happen since I began playing battlefront decades ago...

F'n tired too... one of the draw backs of draining the balls I guess, you lose the "mojo" austin powers style... I feel mad drunk and loose and just not into anything... Don't even want to work on static, though soon enough I'll knock away at that shot of the spinner to kinda make that work...

Poopity Scoop

did another day of deliveries, this time just for caviar... was actually rather uneventful and smooth... I'm contemplating just doing maybe a bit of caviar every other day. Break for a day, work the next on and off like that... Only working the peak hours that pay a percentage more.... we'll see... It's probably best to do it with the scooter once I have the money for it... Found a cheap bottom of the barrel scooter on ebay that should be good enough to do quick short trips for caviar...

no need to lock up the bike, none of that, just go back and forth.

Problem is I've had deliveries that required going miles and miles at times... Doubt a puny scooter can manage that. We shall see...

The question I face is, ok, so I get the cheap electric scooter, what after that??? Go work postmates and caviar full time with it in manhattan until I have enough money saved up for a more elite level scooter?

I'm kinda not really knowing what I'll end up deciding upon....

None of the jobs I've applied for are bothering to contact me and I'm starting just assume I'm gonna be left in the dust by them to rot in the street. Fine...

So if I make this thing my full time job, it's doable... it's f'n doable, just got to go out make as much money as possible, then yeah live out of a van or something....

I can easily make enough to afford van insurance...

I'm actually down with that and starting to consider it my only option in life. Just live out of a van running app gigs, all the ones I can find....

Wish door dash would come around to working on my phone... I need to buy a lot of things to make this whole app gig career thing work:

New Phone... this phone is garbage, has no storage space, is slow, camera can't focus

Super long lasting Electric scooter... Need a bullet proof top of the line one...

A Van... Gonna probably live down in manhattan or just somewhere close... No apartment crap... I'm serious as f, I'm not seeing the point of an apartment one bit... it's a total scam. You essentially only need it for the toilet and shower. Everything else about it can be done with a solar powered van/motorhome.... wow, paying 600/m for a toilet and shower?

I do want that elite bag

As for how I look to the public... you will find like a mini-army of black immigrant looking guys on bikes wearing caviar bags or something like it making tons of runs back and forth through manhattan delivering and delivering and delivering.

I personally think those fellas are goddamn geniuses. No boss over your shoulder. You can decide not to work. You can take your breaks whenever you want. No racism. The customers don't care who delivers just as long as they get their stuff... you're your own boss, cops won't really harass you because they know who you are and what you're doing, and the necessity of your service... EVERYTHING is deliveries in manhattan, no parking tickets or nothing... it's a win to work the apps in manhattan...

You get paid... You will see that black guy on that bike, feel sorry for him and say oh man he's got nothing else in the world but running postmates, poor guy. That dude's probably got a freakin bank account bigger than yours. You just don't know what you can earn if you pump those pedals and work and get the big payouts during the blitz and whatever other big earner seasons....You have no idea how much those guys are earning. Probably more than any job they could get legitimately...

If I do this and work hard on it, I can make enough, just my muscles have atrophied significantly due to low activity and are just now being SHOCKED back into having to perform again at a high level, so I'm needing days of rest and recovery and cannot just hop on my bike and go run deliveries like it's nothing....

But this is win. You are getting in shape. you're making money, you're just getting a good fresh air in your lungs every day, what about this is bad? I don't see it...

So the race debate

Got thinking today. I feel stupid for being so emo as the term goes. But I have my reasons. I'm now in the wonderful age of 32 as a black man. What does that mean? You basically walk around society with a giant target board on your back and must prepare to receive instantaneous vitriol from people who you've never met and don't care about...

It's laughable to me but a very real serious annoyance that I and every black person is forced to live with...

And the thing that irks me is the stupidity of it. It's just plain dumb that I'm the outcast in the world for being black, that's it? I don't actually have to disrupt anything, you don't like me and vilify me for being black, and that's it... it's so dumb...

But yeah, as you all who are still glancing my blog know, I had yet another run in with the bronx police who were bored that day and had nothing better to do but screw with me, so I went for a ride of course...

And I've thought about it, if I was white would things have gone the way they did, would I even have had to waste a judge's time, waste tax payer dollars, all that crap?

No.

Black people get it faaaaar worse from the police than any other race. And you know what the cop who took me in told me when I made the point that his aggression towards me wouldn't have been so harsh if I was white, he claims to be a minority too since he's hispanic.

I bought it at the time, but now I don't....

Hispanic people to my knowledge have never been enslaved. Have never been treated as poorly as blacks... there's no comparison... And you simply don't hear much in the news about hispanics being shot etc. Only stuff going on is the illegal immigration stuff, but even there, I think whites and everyone else would prefer hispanics over an influx of blacks across the borders...

I can't even get a decent job for being black, that's the joke... I have to look for jobs where I'm not the center of attention and am not going to be surrounded by white people constantly... So yeah, you can take that argument about having similar difficulties in life as blacks and shove it up the pooper, not gonna fly with me.

And no. Similar situation, there'd been no attempt at intimidation or attempt to belittle and harass me. If I was a standard by the numbers white guy with his gap clothes on and his khaki pants, whole different attitude because possibly yeah white people would sue the police and probably have that dude's badge and gun... white people don't live on the same planet as the rest of us, it's that simple...

You're thinking, well no... white people have been shot by idiot trigger happy cops too... white people do get justice from the law at times. Agreed... I was horrified to watch a cop blatantly just shoot a poor guy who didn't do anything but pull up his pants while trying to keep his composure at gun point... that's the sad thing about some cops, just hiding behind that uniform when they're truly pussies who wouldn't dare harass someone without that gun and badge... true... but overall, those situations are rare as hell. On the DAILY cops are looking to intimidate and harass black people. DAILY...  Simply because they're fragile little cowards who wouldn't dare to do the same to a white or Asian or someone with the power to seek legal retribution...

It's just not the same split down the middle treatment and it's something all black people need to be educated about, period. You will be treated different than whites, asians, and hispanics and indian or whatever people... You can urkel it up, wear glasses, have a nice suit on, whatever. You'll get treated like an animal regardless.

It is what it is... I wonder what's next. I'm only going to get older, not like I can go back to being under 18 where there's less severe treatment towards blacks. Indeed I do have an entire group of white people who are like wanting to just kill all black people off today just hanging out in the world and don't give a toss if I do or do not survive in life...

I goddamn don't know. I'll gladly like, whatever, die... just wouldn't mind fucking getting laid first. I don't even want kids. Just don't want to die a virgin... It's just wow. You live, huh. You're born, you live, you get to 32 and then you have a bunch of people's guns point at you every where you go. Welcome to being black, huh... who the F would want to grant kids a life like that... Good motherfucking luck out there fellow blacks, you're screwed, but good luck....

Popped the cherry

Probably wasn't wise to do. Manhattan is a madhouse, every single day... You basically are asking for trouble going down there. Cops with quotas needing to write something on a ticket, thugs, homeless stinky smelling f'n black guys making every black person roll their eyes at their own damn people... It's always the same old crap...

Did it to break open my fear of trying it out... it was a good and bad experience. Like, it's like  going out and running around in a white neighborhood as the one black guy there, kinda a very stupid thing to do, but enlightening... The last delivery I made went straight down the tubes sadly and I only hoped to do a good job, but everything went wrong that could go wrong with that. It's the same as any job. Do it fine and good a thousand times, the only thing people remember about you on the job is the day you screw it up. I feel sorry for f'n up the goddamn order, but I'm a good dude. I've done hundreds of deliveries that went fine. So you can't harm me an inch by calling me whatever or trying to put me down as a the bad guy.... not gonna work...

I just needed to test myself, my endurance, the app, how many orders it'd give me, which orders pay more, the distances....

Today may have turned sour, but my intention was met. I now know IF i can handle running orders on caviar on a bike in manhattan traffic and that's all that matters to me personally...

Enjoy the meals, I didn't tamper with them. and I would never intentionally damage or sully the food. Accidents happen, GET OVER IT.

Now I'm at a strange cross road. Do I spend my money on a suped up motor and try to build an illegal as hell gas bike or do I get a bottom barrel cheap electric scooter to run deliveries nice and quick instead of biking them. I would have had little to no issues today if I had my old zippy scooter.... Problem is, people order feasts from these restaurants, so we're talking massive heavy bags of food, that plus my weight, doubt it can manage to pull that...

F'n didn't even make much money today... f'n hanging out in manhattan is the pits. How you gonna live your life like that, just bobbing around looking like a big walking pile of fungus and shit, and just being useless and shitty.... I don't understand that, do something, get some kind of gig somewhere....  damn homeless mother... F'ers... Is it criminal history? Those people got locked up at a young age and can't hope to get a job, ever and are forever just gonna be homeless and shitty? I don't know...

It just sucked. Was eating my taco bell, and in walks goddamn hobo joe gets his free soda (Yeah that's right homeless people who scratch their balls and never shower put their hands all over the drink machine, now you know...) and eats, and I'm just blown away and like, wow, dude, you gonna live like that? Wow, you gonna sit down in a restaurant around people eating their meals with your homeless dirty ass like that? Stuff was messed up....

My whole life is messed up. And I wish it wasn't, that's always been the kinda foul sad theme of my life. "Yunno I wish my life didn't suck ass...."

And so it continues...

Will I go back after today's hectic if successful test run.... Sure, why not... It works. You get money. I'd rather be down there looking at wonderful boobs and ass all day than up here playing videogames and not being around females... it's just, it's work... I might just get that damn stupid scooter and get the deliveries done with that instead of huffing and puffing on a bike back and forth....

And there you have it. A very awkward day of postmates and caviar... I am sorry for the last delivery going bad. But I tried and stuff happened beyond my control... So now I know better for the future and will improve my methods, that's all I can say...

I don't even want to do this shit, but as I continue to wait for jobs to call me, it's the best I can do to kinda keep the money accumulating, sad but true...

Return of the Cool

I'm coming around. Not easy to just snap back after going to the pen. I don't think I'll ever be the same again to be honest... once you have everything you got taken away, you do contemplate your death, you just think, well I'm done. How do you come back from that shit? How?

But it's about to go down. I will be finishing Static and doing 2 cuts, the slim fast cut and the special extended edition. Plus blooper reel and behind the scenes docu on it.

It's just a lot to swallow the whole project... demanding as crap to get it all done and I got my whole world rocked in a matter of 2 little days so that shit didn't help...

Still sick from whatever I ate or consumed in there. hell, I may be dying... f's sake. I'd rather get laid before dying if you get me...

Watched Ready Player One... awkward film. You want to enjoy it, but it has some very shallow characters and you can't because they're so paper thin... worth a viewing though. It has its moments...

F'n tired, drained... wanting things I can't have. Looking at life from a very thin wispy thin amount of motivation to keep trucking along in this stupid world that sucks.

Yeah denigrate me, go for it, take me down... I will have my static f'n finished. I mean all I gotta do is the fx and sound work, should be pretty straight forward. Figuring out the logic of the editing and structure to the story within the time frame was what killed me. This stuff isn't that hard...

Look for full final release next month.

So Solo is a bomb

As much as I've been seeing a bunch of net news casters vomit their thoughts on it out onto all of us, I'm going to try thinking for myself on the matter instead of just hearing out their views alone...

It's an average as pie movie, nothing hyperbolic about it, there's no atrocious terrible parts to any of the film. If you're a little newborn child, you probably will end up having a blast with it...

Like I said, I went to tons TONS of movies as a kid that I had a fun time with and that's what was important to me, shrugs, don't go at length online making videos about those movies do I?

I think Solo is exactly what disney intended it to be and it's as meaningless and pointless as rogue one at the end of the day... moving on?

Could it have been more? Sure... I think Lord and Miller will get the last laugh here. The movie they wanted to make, probably would have sparked interest in people checking out this space-ballsy type of star wars spinoff....

Sadly Disney got scared of people rejecting that approach and decided to hamper their version, and instead we have people rejecting the version they ended up making.

Obvoiusly all that's happened to Solo at the BO is due to them changing captains of the ship mid journey... It just doesn't work that way. You don't just change to a new crew unfamiliar with the ship ala star trek tmp. Mistakes will eventually happen.

Lord and Miller will probably feel more at ease now that they know the movie as scripted has been released and nobody's going crazy for it.

I certainly feel glad they didn't take my request to audition for Lando and I ended up not participating in this first ever star wars movie bomb. For all eternity Donald Glover will be known as the person to play Lando in the one star wars film that bombed... Good.

As of right now, I have checked out and glanced Deadpool and Infinity war and they're like actual films compared to the quickie cartoon short that is Solo... holy crap... Far superior from every angle, it's insane... That's why people are choosing to throw money at those movies, not the light beer star wars fan movie that doesn't matter, doesn't re-invent star wars or try anything special. It's a videogame cut scene, the movie... LOL. Damn...

How do I feel towards Ron Howard.... bro gonna take the blame for this, and maybe he shouldn't have attached himself to this movie so willingly.... He had nothing to do with it. He's just the guy they wanted to stamp the director's name and credit title onto so legally Miller and Lord couldn't argue they deserve and further rights to the film.

That's it. He was a puppet the whole time. He put in his brother, but beyond that, he shot the script word for word and did what he was told, didn't make waves... He's not to blame for this thing being what it is.

I hope this sends a message over all. YOU are the Empire now. Star wars is about being humble, fighting for what's right, and not living under the tyranical rule of a dictator. So it's ironic as balls that Disney's running Star Wars like the Empire, destroying rebellious director's visions, trying to turn it into a quick dirty buck like they've done with almost everything... Not how you should do Star Wars of all things... Suppressing and squashing out discenting opinion and hiring compliant puppet directors like this...

I think Lord and Miller felt secure after shooting so much of the movie and just getting a few memos now and again from Iger and Kennedy.... they thought, well, what can you do, you can reshoot all this stuff can you? F off it's our movie to make...

Boned... Pissed off Emperor Mickey and the hammer was swift and final.

I'd love to see what they think about the movie flaking out at the box office like it has... They must be laughing their butts off...

Oh well, eh... I'm not particularly glad about any of this and Disney needs to just stop playing Empire and stop second guessing themselves and let these movies happen more freely if they want people to still show up. If it hasn't already, people are beginning to get the message that they're paying money for glorified fan films, nothing more....

Plan and such

I'm exhausted obviously. Devastated by my bike being stolen. Still kinda jet lagged by the prison experience.

So, yeah, kinda at a weird spot at the moment... I don't f'n care bro. I don't care about things except maybe living life like normal f'n people do right now... just having fun, smacking booty, getting a good little f'n thing going.... steal from me, do whatever you want to me to prove you're somebody, just I want to get mine in this life and that's it....

It's hardly a lot to ask...

I've hopefully been given an opportunity to make some quick dirty money running deliveries in manhattan.

So I'll be doing that soon.. run postmates, caviar, whatever, make a few bucks and if it's enough, hopefully be able to afford the playbil ghostbusters firehouse that's selling cheap at the toys r us.

I'd love to get the scooby doo stuff and ghostbusters stuff plus that darth vader vintage figure they're selling....

yeah, that's my little dream right now. One full hard core day of post mates might be enough to afford that stuff.

F'n jobs are taking their time, which they always do. People often tell a guy like me, go get a job... WHaT? since when is it, walk out your door and OOps, derp, got a job! It's never like that. It can take several f'n months of waiting it out for the jobs to get around to hiring.

It's ball crushingly tough to just get a job. That's what's so good about the app gig stuff. It's actually a better way to play. Mind you, if you go over 600 bucks in income, you owe taxes, but otherwise, run maybe 3 different app gigs and max out at 600 each and you're all set. Just enjoy having 1800 tax free bucks.

Don't know, just bored. Got to go somewhere at 4 today, and not much to do, just sit here haunted by my thoughts.

I feel sick too as if something from my night in lock up gave me a disease. That's the worst thing about prison. Nobody cares if you catch a disease in there. The only food that's smart to eat is the cereal and milk. Who the flying f knows what the kitchen staff people decided to toss into the sandwiches... That's the first thing I'd change about lock up. Give a normal meal, hot pocket, something quick and normal, not this piece of bread and cheese. I mean, jesus have some decency... might as well be dog food. I guess they don't want homeless people intentionally commiting crimes so they can get a decent meal. I can see their logic there... Even so if they claim to be suicidal they'll be given a warm cozy bed in hospital and some excellent hospital food, top quality stuff, so indeed a lot of homeless people do exploit that hole in the system.

Worked at the hospital like I said, one of the things homeless people would do in winter was claim to have fallen and gotten injured so that they can exploit the mandatory night evaluation thing where they'd have to be given a bed and meal.

Wow, man, sad way to end up in life, just pathetic to get that old and all you have left is trying to get a free meal from a hospital by being a jack ass like that.... sad....


that's all I'm gonna say, time to hopefully turn my own life around, work a job, try to do things like a normal person...

So I did it

Guess nothing will happen but at least this time I did something vs nothing. Gonna buy me a star wars toy and get out of here. I can only handle kids in small doses. I'm not really a kid person... just too much wah wah insanity from the little boogers.

Need to go back and don't know watch movies or something. I know exciting daily routine I have...

Just waiting for the jobs to get back to me...

Bike gone

Fuck....

I went to the store to buy a bike lock so I could go to the movies, and hopefully not get it stolen when I got out....

so of course the inevitable happened... Someone decided free bike when they saw it sitting in toys r us's front part.

It's all caught on camera and the toys r us staff who I personally know from working there a while back promise to give me the tape of the person who stole it.

I'll find him. I'll report it to the police, but ultimately I swear I will make it my mission in life to find this guy.

Kill him? I probably would do that, we'll see if I can identify the person...

he's a damn moron. he's on video stealing my bike. The police will know what he looks like and have him in their system and possibly be able to identify him in the future.

So I'm going full throttle here. I'm going to use the system and hope for the best from it.

I'm consumed by my rage at the moment and have no peace, no sense of comfort. I want to see that video. I'm gonna take a wild guess and assume it's that group of dumb asses who I saw acting a fool in the store while I was there... I wouldn't care at all if they ended up dead by a cop's gun one damn day, if indeed it was them who ripped my bike. No goddamn mercy for blacks who steal from other blacks. You're part of the problem, not the solution.

Just a shitty day today. All my hopes crushed to crap in one flash of a moment... I should have goddamn put the bike in the store or something where it'd be tougher to steal it. I don't know.

All while I was walking back here, I could only think, well if these jobs follow through, I can buy ten bikes, what does it matter.....

yeah. Most likely whoever stole it can't even get a job if they're that hard up for money they rip off a dude's bike in broad daylight on camera.

I'm so going to end up murdering this guy and going back to prison... but it'll be worth it so whatever...

Objective

Not easy to adjust back to civilian life really... and i was only in the pen for like a night and a full morning. But yeah, you get so shell shocked you develop a ptsd kinda thing from it and don't really just snap back to normal.

Anyway, I hope I can forge forward with my stuff I want to do, that's all...

I am applying to 3 jobs right now... hope they get back to me and detail what my next steps are.

Then it's a simple matter of working...

As for the static shock project. I'm sadly going to put that on the back burner. That project means a lot to me, so I want to get my head back on straight before delving in to getting the fx done right...

It's just I'm rattled and shaken beyond what I expected to be... It's just not a good thing, having no sense of comfort or peace in your day. It's just, once that's stripped away, all you can think about is it happening again, and it's unsettling really... to wake up to the possibility of having your freedom restricted to that degree...

I'm having a tough time creating a logic to things and just feel normal again about things... It's tough to say, alright, whatever, it happened, just forget it...

Yunno, I want to kinda find ways to prevent young black kids from going into a life of prison stays or eventually becoming institutionalized and completely unable to cope with life outside of prison... You DO start to look at prison as your life once you're in there for hours... it's like, you get started just accepting it. They got to work on introducing things in cells that remind you of regular daily life. I'm aware the point is to make it an unfavorable situation you want to avoid, but books to read, magazines, that would have helped me not feel like I'm completely divorced from normal life...

What the hell can I do. I have no power over that stuff. It's just a reality I was aware of, sure, but to see it up close and personal it does impact you in a powerful way, that it's a revolving door of black and hispanic guys in prisons, just clock work. They're like half of them are pure crap deserve what they get, then I wonder how many innocent good guys get tossed into the system and come out the other side screwed up because they got driven insane while locked in there...

It's barbaric. A lot of dudes getting picked up and packed in a unsanitary hellish cell for little petty nothing offenses. Real murders, rapists, whatever, real bad guys are your room mate now when all you did was something silly or foolish and nobody got hurt... that ain't right...

Yeah, the whole prison reform thing does need to be looked into and worked on... I myself will be studying it. It needs to be like, jesus christ first of all, have the decency to make the bathroom private... I guess they don't want the guys going in there and pulling a shiv out their ass hole and then coming back out to start something... I can understand that... But jesus christ, if you're being held in booking for a minor misdemeanor, you should not have to sit there and watch a dude drop a duce and f'n have to breathe the contents of his ass. That's just over the damn top right there, goddamn...

You can understand why I'm f'd up right now...

And I heard stories of guys being held waiting to see a judge for daaaaaaaaays in these same exact conditions. No books to read, no tv to watch, no music, no nothing, but bad food, a toilet that's just the pit of death, and the people you bunk with... for the love of God, say whatever you want, but don't take the life you live for granted... it could all be gone so fast, so horribly...

And like, you get used to it so you don't know what "normal" is anymore. That's the biggest crime sad to say. You start to look at life as being in that cell. Not getting a girlfriend, job, and accumulating nice toys... Now that I'm out here in the world, the sad thing is that a part of me is kinda lost as to what to do. The structured system of prison life has gotten imprinted into my brain so deeply in just such a short amount of time, I guess I'm kinda brainwashed to still expect to be cuffed, be told what to do by some uniformed little unhappy camper, and eat when the food comes... It's dehumanizing stuff, needs to be kinda re-designed. Treat these guys in such a way that they don't have problems rehabilitating and returning to society.

I can tell you full on that the reason people repeat offend is because they can't re-adjust to life outside of prison. Point blank, that's what it is....

You lose yourself. You become those walls and bars... gotta find ways to help a person hold on to their soul even locked up and probably deservedly so... but yeah, I'd hope personally the objective of prison isn't to take a bad person and make them worse after they've gone through it.

Oh well. I'm going on too long and much obviously has been discussed on this topic for decades. I'm just another black guy saying prison sucks I guess. Indeed it does, and don't goddamn go, it's that simple. But sadly it's not at all a place designed to 'fix' you, but actually break you down further and turn you into a psycho from the stress of it. Wow, that's not helping... simply not helping...

You got guys in there actually trying to manipulate the rules by claiming they're suicidal because then they take you to the hospital psyche ward and of course having been in one back in high school, the condition in there and food is FARRR superior to prison. It just delays your booking and processing, which is why it's better to just wait for your turn with the lawyer and judge than play games and go hang out in the hospital...

Blown away and depressed... I'm black. I've always been black. Never had a goddamn choice about that. But seeing my own people just dehumanized and f'd up and laying around in cells. It hurts me.

Yunno, it's just. I don't like it. That's life for probably a major portion of the black population, becoming consistent member of the prison populous, and that's probably all they can hope for... whether it's the rigged racist world we live in, or these guys just are not favorable and can't find decent jobs, and things, end up stealing and robbing to get by....

Most disappointing to me is the way they are, accepting the "black guy in prison" stereotype and living into it once they're in that situation... Don't f'n degrade yourself and actually look and talk like a locked up black dude. I never stooped to that. I was MYSELF the whole time. I didn't act like an ignorant stupid black dude in prison. I was my nerdy ass he whole time. Joked with the other guys, tried to talk about things intelligently and try to understand whether the 'crimes' are exaggerated and our cases could be won with decent logical reasoning to things if explained to the judges with proper evidence to back it up. One point we discussed of course was the fact that women do indeed have the ability to get away with lying about being abused and get a dude sent to jail real quick... that stuff is abhorrent of course..

Anyway, yeah needless to say I do indeed need to think deeply on this and come to terms with it and of course NEVER go back. EVER to that situation. I certainly do understand why cops like to escalate situations with black guys cuz they know they're going get tossed in a cell and be powerless and have to grovel and beg for release. It's a power dynamic that is atrocious... just atrocious...

Enough emo stuff though. I'm depressing my own damn self writing at length on the wonky weird prison experience I kinda had a crash course in recently...

I will get back up and going normal again in time. Just got to get money. I always say money's probably the only good goddamn thing in this world...

Once these jobs get back to me, anything goes, baby... you'll see...

I'm back

Feel like I got taken for a wild roller coaster ride, and not of the thrilling variety.... Still have an addled brain about it...

Suffice it to say DO NOT EVER get entangled in the judicial system if you can avoid it...

Second time I've visited the bronx court house, this time for MY OWN case in court. Had an excellent judge, wish I knew his name, but I thank him for showing me mercy. I honestly don't think I deserve it. I am an absolute idiot, but kindness like the one he showed me today does make me want to try harder at bettering myself.

It's over. There will be no blocks towards future employment. I can pursue any job I desire and feel at ease in that regard...

I want to put this affair behind me and move forward and upward. Complete my goals and just work a job like a normal person without the overly dramatic insanity that jobs keep on granting me.

What have I just been through?

Got basically sent to hell... Was arrested, cuffed, put in prison, and tossed from cell to cell as guys pissed and shit in the singular toilet in each cell.

Prison is actual hell. There's no other way to describe it. I have become so jaded by the experience that I don't feel like I'm even back here typing this. My senses are still spit firing at a million times per second as I was struggling to look for weaknesses I could exploit to possibly escape... It was a defeatist, low, no options scenario. You are nothing but putty in the judicial system's hands once they close those bars. It's the ultimate form of dehumanization. You become a zoo animal for the guard's amusement, nothing... more...

Part of me wanted to go through with it just to learn about the process from the inside and I definitely f'n learned about the prison system and now have my goddamn PHD in the subject...

I can only imagine what real deal prison is like, if the night I went through was THAT bad...

I learned a lot though, if I want to look on the tiniest bright side of it all... The legal system affords you due process. You do get a free lawyer who fights for you. You do get a fair judgement and if you get a judge who's like not an asshole you can hope to be given a chance to improve yourself...

That's good. I think that's actually a very good thing. That yeah, you can fight a charge filed against you and plead not guilty and all that jazz... There's an entire sub-procedure that exist to dismiss the charges against you pending you prove to stay a law-abiding citizen. The legal system is interesting, there's little legal loops to kinda give petty offenders a break at the end of the day...

I don't honestly know what to feel. Every thing about me was broken down and cracked open. My personality was shredded to pieces and I became nothing for a night and a day, just observing cops do their duties and procedures and constantly feeling trapped and possibly be ready to have to kill or be killed.

I'm fractured. There's no victory here. I don't feel the same as I did before this happened. I'm changed...

I'm f'n changed, bro...