Emotion and pain

How I wish I didn't have them. So to put it as bluntly as possible, I screwed up... Not the first time and certainly not going to be the last...

Like I've had moments of cold emptiness where you break or lose something valuable you'll never get back...

I kinda have crossed the threshhold I suppose into that mental state where you give in to defeat but go crazy in the process.

What's my dumb ass going on about. I think about it and do want to just let it fucking go. It's not the end of the world.

But my emotions overwhelmed me. I died inside when it happened. The soul is real. And when it feels the pain of failure, it's real. It's so visceral, gut churning when your soul screams out in horror or pain...

Thatt's what I was feeling. It was beyond physical pain. I don't care about physical pain. But to have my f'n soul ripped apart, it crushed me. I dropped mood-wise. Felt absolutely f'n horrible....

Still feel horrible. I mean, I don't know what to feel. I'm just existing. I'm not really here, not participating... I'm that emotionally broken up about it.

Shit happened so fast... it was just flipping a switch. One minute, normal. Next second later, devastated, broken, depressed beyond reason.

That's not fair to have that kind of weakness and I feel so limp and flimsy a person to be crushed so quick and easily by bad move that wasn't truly my fault, I was groggy and pressed the button without knowing fully it would screw up my day just that quick...

My mind is struggling to figure out how to spin this into a positive or at least a moderately ok situation... It's not finding the answer. And that's what's killing me, not being able to solve the equation. The mind is a computer. Imagine telling a computer to solve an unsolvable equation or something. It crashes of course. My brain crashed. I crashed... I'm frozen and damn well need a reboot.

I may move on from this but it's gone, whatever part of me existed before this, it's so gone, it's just gone.....