I'm back

Feel like I got taken for a wild roller coaster ride, and not of the thrilling variety.... Still have an addled brain about it...

Suffice it to say DO NOT EVER get entangled in the judicial system if you can avoid it...

Second time I've visited the bronx court house, this time for MY OWN case in court. Had an excellent judge, wish I knew his name, but I thank him for showing me mercy. I honestly don't think I deserve it. I am an absolute idiot, but kindness like the one he showed me today does make me want to try harder at bettering myself.

It's over. There will be no blocks towards future employment. I can pursue any job I desire and feel at ease in that regard...

I want to put this affair behind me and move forward and upward. Complete my goals and just work a job like a normal person without the overly dramatic insanity that jobs keep on granting me.

What have I just been through?

Got basically sent to hell... Was arrested, cuffed, put in prison, and tossed from cell to cell as guys pissed and shit in the singular toilet in each cell.

Prison is actual hell. There's no other way to describe it. I have become so jaded by the experience that I don't feel like I'm even back here typing this. My senses are still spit firing at a million times per second as I was struggling to look for weaknesses I could exploit to possibly escape... It was a defeatist, low, no options scenario. You are nothing but putty in the judicial system's hands once they close those bars. It's the ultimate form of dehumanization. You become a zoo animal for the guard's amusement, nothing... more...

Part of me wanted to go through with it just to learn about the process from the inside and I definitely f'n learned about the prison system and now have my goddamn PHD in the subject...

I can only imagine what real deal prison is like, if the night I went through was THAT bad...

I learned a lot though, if I want to look on the tiniest bright side of it all... The legal system affords you due process. You do get a free lawyer who fights for you. You do get a fair judgement and if you get a judge who's like not an asshole you can hope to be given a chance to improve yourself...

That's good. I think that's actually a very good thing. That yeah, you can fight a charge filed against you and plead not guilty and all that jazz... There's an entire sub-procedure that exist to dismiss the charges against you pending you prove to stay a law-abiding citizen. The legal system is interesting, there's little legal loops to kinda give petty offenders a break at the end of the day...

I don't honestly know what to feel. Every thing about me was broken down and cracked open. My personality was shredded to pieces and I became nothing for a night and a day, just observing cops do their duties and procedures and constantly feeling trapped and possibly be ready to have to kill or be killed.

I'm fractured. There's no victory here. I don't feel the same as I did before this happened. I'm changed...

I'm f'n changed, bro...