Objective

Not easy to adjust back to civilian life really... and i was only in the pen for like a night and a full morning. But yeah, you get so shell shocked you develop a ptsd kinda thing from it and don't really just snap back to normal.

Anyway, I hope I can forge forward with my stuff I want to do, that's all...

I am applying to 3 jobs right now... hope they get back to me and detail what my next steps are.

Then it's a simple matter of working...

As for the static shock project. I'm sadly going to put that on the back burner. That project means a lot to me, so I want to get my head back on straight before delving in to getting the fx done right...

It's just I'm rattled and shaken beyond what I expected to be... It's just not a good thing, having no sense of comfort or peace in your day. It's just, once that's stripped away, all you can think about is it happening again, and it's unsettling really... to wake up to the possibility of having your freedom restricted to that degree...

I'm having a tough time creating a logic to things and just feel normal again about things... It's tough to say, alright, whatever, it happened, just forget it...

Yunno, I want to kinda find ways to prevent young black kids from going into a life of prison stays or eventually becoming institutionalized and completely unable to cope with life outside of prison... You DO start to look at prison as your life once you're in there for hours... it's like, you get started just accepting it. They got to work on introducing things in cells that remind you of regular daily life. I'm aware the point is to make it an unfavorable situation you want to avoid, but books to read, magazines, that would have helped me not feel like I'm completely divorced from normal life...

What the hell can I do. I have no power over that stuff. It's just a reality I was aware of, sure, but to see it up close and personal it does impact you in a powerful way, that it's a revolving door of black and hispanic guys in prisons, just clock work. They're like half of them are pure crap deserve what they get, then I wonder how many innocent good guys get tossed into the system and come out the other side screwed up because they got driven insane while locked in there...

It's barbaric. A lot of dudes getting picked up and packed in a unsanitary hellish cell for little petty nothing offenses. Real murders, rapists, whatever, real bad guys are your room mate now when all you did was something silly or foolish and nobody got hurt... that ain't right...

Yeah, the whole prison reform thing does need to be looked into and worked on... I myself will be studying it. It needs to be like, jesus christ first of all, have the decency to make the bathroom private... I guess they don't want the guys going in there and pulling a shiv out their ass hole and then coming back out to start something... I can understand that... But jesus christ, if you're being held in booking for a minor misdemeanor, you should not have to sit there and watch a dude drop a duce and f'n have to breathe the contents of his ass. That's just over the damn top right there, goddamn...

You can understand why I'm f'd up right now...

And I heard stories of guys being held waiting to see a judge for daaaaaaaaays in these same exact conditions. No books to read, no tv to watch, no music, no nothing, but bad food, a toilet that's just the pit of death, and the people you bunk with... for the love of God, say whatever you want, but don't take the life you live for granted... it could all be gone so fast, so horribly...

And like, you get used to it so you don't know what "normal" is anymore. That's the biggest crime sad to say. You start to look at life as being in that cell. Not getting a girlfriend, job, and accumulating nice toys... Now that I'm out here in the world, the sad thing is that a part of me is kinda lost as to what to do. The structured system of prison life has gotten imprinted into my brain so deeply in just such a short amount of time, I guess I'm kinda brainwashed to still expect to be cuffed, be told what to do by some uniformed little unhappy camper, and eat when the food comes... It's dehumanizing stuff, needs to be kinda re-designed. Treat these guys in such a way that they don't have problems rehabilitating and returning to society.

I can tell you full on that the reason people repeat offend is because they can't re-adjust to life outside of prison. Point blank, that's what it is....

You lose yourself. You become those walls and bars... gotta find ways to help a person hold on to their soul even locked up and probably deservedly so... but yeah, I'd hope personally the objective of prison isn't to take a bad person and make them worse after they've gone through it.

Oh well. I'm going on too long and much obviously has been discussed on this topic for decades. I'm just another black guy saying prison sucks I guess. Indeed it does, and don't goddamn go, it's that simple. But sadly it's not at all a place designed to 'fix' you, but actually break you down further and turn you into a psycho from the stress of it. Wow, that's not helping... simply not helping...

You got guys in there actually trying to manipulate the rules by claiming they're suicidal because then they take you to the hospital psyche ward and of course having been in one back in high school, the condition in there and food is FARRR superior to prison. It just delays your booking and processing, which is why it's better to just wait for your turn with the lawyer and judge than play games and go hang out in the hospital...

Blown away and depressed... I'm black. I've always been black. Never had a goddamn choice about that. But seeing my own people just dehumanized and f'd up and laying around in cells. It hurts me.

Yunno, it's just. I don't like it. That's life for probably a major portion of the black population, becoming consistent member of the prison populous, and that's probably all they can hope for... whether it's the rigged racist world we live in, or these guys just are not favorable and can't find decent jobs, and things, end up stealing and robbing to get by....

Most disappointing to me is the way they are, accepting the "black guy in prison" stereotype and living into it once they're in that situation... Don't f'n degrade yourself and actually look and talk like a locked up black dude. I never stooped to that. I was MYSELF the whole time. I didn't act like an ignorant stupid black dude in prison. I was my nerdy ass he whole time. Joked with the other guys, tried to talk about things intelligently and try to understand whether the 'crimes' are exaggerated and our cases could be won with decent logical reasoning to things if explained to the judges with proper evidence to back it up. One point we discussed of course was the fact that women do indeed have the ability to get away with lying about being abused and get a dude sent to jail real quick... that stuff is abhorrent of course..

Anyway, yeah needless to say I do indeed need to think deeply on this and come to terms with it and of course NEVER go back. EVER to that situation. I certainly do understand why cops like to escalate situations with black guys cuz they know they're going get tossed in a cell and be powerless and have to grovel and beg for release. It's a power dynamic that is atrocious... just atrocious...

Enough emo stuff though. I'm depressing my own damn self writing at length on the wonky weird prison experience I kinda had a crash course in recently...

I will get back up and going normal again in time. Just got to get money. I always say money's probably the only good goddamn thing in this world...

Once these jobs get back to me, anything goes, baby... you'll see...