Strange day

I'm now at my sister's boyfriend's apartment. I am so over this blog but for real I'm in a bit of a pinch currently regarding my feelings for alicia, my insecurities, and my continued reliance on internet use as a social support. Im an old man at 23. When I was a kid, I thought about life in my 20s and didn't really know what to think of it. I suspected I'd be in some classroom toiling away at some deep intellectual stuff as I'm prone to do for fun from time to time. I'm always thinking... Well I was out today and man am I freaked out by some of the young women out there. it's nuts I tell you. they're kind of losing their minds at whatever age they are, all about showing off their bodies, being seen and approached by men. This is where I fail to succeed. I don't know what to do with women. I love them, but they're frappin strange little things... And I don't know what to do to become a REAL man, not some wimp who won't kick ass when it needs to be done.

I'm so lost damnit. I'm like, oh GOD help me. I've always believed in Him. But I don't know whether to simply sit back and watch the wizardry commence or be proactive and be all holy. Alicia's always been coming and going in my life for some odd reason I can't understand. She was there when I was in kindergarten. I was her friend, she was mine, then years later we met again in 8th grade. I was in love with her not long after she recognized me from our kindergarten days. I thought about all the good things I could GIVE her. She was a bit erratic, but that didn't matter. She was definitely worthy in my eyes no matter how silly she acted. She took a photo of me when I graduated from middle school.

Sigh, how stupid i was... I could have taken up the opportunity granted to me. Girl threw herself at me because I was a decent fellow, nothing amazing, just a good smart guy who would be good husband material. I made the GREATEST mistake of my entire life when I decided to ditch her and move on to high school. I went to mount st michael stupidly thinking that IF I worked hard enough in school I'd finally see her again. Truth be told maybe at one of the dances I'd have met her, but I didn't know if that would happen. I then became lost in the internet and the rest is history.

Now I'm sexually frustrated to the max. I'm so distraught, confused, pained by years of stress and am about to go through two months of intense training that will YES be the hardest thing I've ever done, and she's back again... sigh... and she's all that and a bag of fritos to boot... girl still has some great legs, body like a model, dayum... It's not going to be easy getting with her now when I'm all stupid and crappy looking.

And do I want to is the question. I don't care about me really. I care about her. She always was the only thing I thought about at mount. after I realized I'd never see her again, I threw in the towel on life. She was my reason for existing. After that puberty set in and I wasn't about to be getting some from my dream girl, right, forget about it... Now I'm going into the airforce and the onus once again is on me and me alone to go after her. She's 22 now... shoot. We've been apart for 10 years. I'm a hot mess. Shes just hot. What to do, I wonder...

My sister's giving me hints that I'll get married, have kids, become part of a upperclass black elite or something. Is it that I'll be with her? Is that my destiny? How the f did I get this lucky. i'm a screw up.

And I'm frankly drained, mentally, emotionally, physically, you name it. I'm full of fail and I can't make any sense of HOW I'm supposed to live out the rest of my life. At least I have employment.

God you crazy son of a gun you...