stretched too thin

I wish I was white sometimes. Maybe I wouldn't feel so burdened by my failures in the past if I knew no one would hold it against me because I was a part of the master race. It's one thing to fall flat on your face in front of people, it's a WHOLE NOTHER thing to fall as a black person. I simply forgot I was black, I guess it's a testament to the anti-racist efforts of the 90s that I grew up feeling no sense of exclusion from society. But now it's become fully upfront and out in the open and black people are in the spotlight now more than in any other time in history.

It's finally happening, the pot is being stirred on whether black people can truly be considered equal to whites or not. And my generation has to make the stamp in history to prove to children you can do whatever you set your mind to... Can't say my antics have helped any...

It's like this, I go out in the world and I get what I get as a black guy, lots of assumptions about my character and intelligence. All of it supported by the ever-present asshole douche bag black guys white people hate. I wonder what kind of example these guys are trying to set in a world that's rapidly evolving into what it should be, a place where any man can achieve his dreams.

Why still fuck things up for other black people? If there's ever been a better time to work hard at creating peace, it's NOW. But no... we black people don't want that. I go online and I hear a stupid asshole black kid calling white kids names. Trying to incite a race war. I tell myself it's nothing to worry about, boys will be boys, but those white kids will remember that shit head when they're older. So Yes it does mean something...  White people still rule the world, ya know... probably not a good idea to piss them off.

I don't know. I need to just take a long vacation from this stuff. I want to be a ballsy military guy and just be like the hulk and bash and smash my way through my problems but I don't really think that would be wise... All the craziness in the last few years has really exausted me. I need to just chill and not worry about all this crap for now... It's too much...