Progress Report part 2

It would seem the hydration has had a positive effect on my body, specifically my brain. Usually like I reported weeks ago, it's in a constant state of endorphin craving, but now the water has dampened it to almost painless levels. I still feel that tightness in my head, but it's so much more numb than in the past.

That's all you need in life, imo, water water water, plus whatever food you eat to give your body energy throughout the day, but I'll never go back to soda or those fruit punhc drinks full of sugar again. that's for damn sure.

Can't quit

It's settled. I figured now that i'm more hydrated I'd be more capable of withstanding the urge to masturbate, I was wrong. I don't like to fail. Been afraid of failure all my life ever since I learned my father was a former airman, had to live up to his awesomeness, but this shit is imposssible to beat no matter how hard I try. I see other guys either have girlfriends or hide the fact that they masturbate regularly from everyone.

I don't think it's quitable. Amazingly I look back and realize that I've been masturbating regularly for the past 7 years without much more than a couple days going by when I haven't done it. The longest I've endured being BMT which was nearly 3 months. If there wasn't some fast schedule pushing me through the day, I'd have definitely squeezed off a load in between the shit I was doing. They can fuck me up as much as they want in there, i don't care, this frigging thing is more of a problem than that. Strange, I suppose women are the same way, need to get fucked or they can't go very long without it. Or if they do, they feel down.

Sigh... I think to myself, I'm capable of outsmarting this thing aren't I? It's haarrrd to be smart when your mind is so held back by its primal urges that's for sure. Well at least I've figured out a different method of masturbating, so I don't rub the skin off my dick. I bought a bunch of rubber gloves and just put my dick in it with lotion on it and get to work that way so that I'm all lubricated when it's over rather than cursing myself for once again scarring my penis. It's kind of damaged now because of my original method of masturbating which was to rub my dick on everything, carpet, bedsheets, whatever. I can't do that hand fucking thing I see online so much. It's got to be a certain way.

I think about holly too for some reason. Just every girl I see in porn reminds me of her. There's a lot of similarity between all young women who haven't yet given birth now that I've more mature eyes. Back in hs, girls looks varied from extremely youthful to ripe and ready for child bearing, but now I see girls in their late teens and 20s are all prettymuch the same, primed for birth, and nothing more. They gotta get dick or it's going to be too late... No wonder all they want is the guy with the money.

Indiana Jones

Fuck. I'm thinking about shit right now, just thinking... I'm downloading zelda twighlight princess for gamecube emulator and hd version of toy story. I love toy story, probably the last great classic films we'll see in a long time. I mean, it's a rare gem, when a perfect film comes along. Very few exist. Star Wars is perfect. Back to the future is perfect. What else... Can't remember... Oh and ET. but yeah those movie to me represent films that need nothing to improve them whatsoever. toy story is also one of them.

I love movies like that that just have no dead spots, nearly flawless internal logic, and clever story. Thinking about it today, I'm saddened that a lot of kids first introduction to star wars will be the prequels. But whatever. Just as I realize how dumb those movies were compared to the originals, they will too. I guess... I still have a special place in my heart for crappy ass tv shows that I used to watch growing up. I used my imagination to make power rangers seem better than it was, didn't I, though the movie elevated the whole concept to another level that truly blew my dick off. I remember watching that movie AGAIN AND AGAIN AND AGAIN because just being able to see my heros in a full fledged movie version that wasn't complete shit, was heaven. I watch it now and it's just retarded, sorry. I know too much about good movies I guess to still get excited because the suits were badass. The acting is crap. Billy is shafted. There's not much character moments or interesting drama. If it were up to me, I'd make some deep shakespearian power rangers movie, god damnit.

Ironically that's exactly what motivated lucas and spielberg with indiana jones. They watched shitty serial adventures featuring a dashing swashbuckling hero as kids and as grown ass men wanted to make a legitimately mature version of that shitty shit. Hence INDIANA JONES AND THE SAUCER MEN FROM MARS. I'd have no problem with Kingdom of the Crystal Skull if far superior indiana jones films didn't already exist. How could you have already made great films then decide, FUCK IT, I'll phone this bitch in. The movie is pretty standard 90s spielberg from beginning to end, which is just fucked up. He just made lost world all over again, though at least lost world attempts to be a great spielberg film. Skull is that sequel nobody asked for. I always thought Ford just played Indy in every action movie he ever did after last crusade, so how the hell is his actual interpretation of indy so un-indy in the new movie? He's more like him in air force one than in skull where he's just a grumpy old man talking about finishing college. I'd have preferred they played up his becoming a grumpy old college professor more too but he's like that for five minutes, then it becomes a "look, he's still kind of young enough to pull off being indy, see!" Yeesh. You know how many of these guys exist? Old super smart professors who travel the world on adventures? Why not play up that angle instead? I'd love to see Indy become like a super elite fbi agent who's seen and done it all after he's finished being a young swashbuckler, but no...

Lucas and Spielberg obviously don't care anymore about making great cinema. You got to wonder what happened to turn them from being these hungry artists struggling to create lasting works that would forever be remembered, to these fat money hungry businessmen. Only cameron seems to have avoided their bullshit sensibilities, probably because he's got a true passion for cinema that inspires you to become an artist in the first place. shame on them.

Joining the Army part 3 or whatever

I can't remember which part I'm on anymore, doesn't matter. The problem with joining the military is that for one, you're nothing more than a name tag and a number to them. These guys are wealthy white christian conservatives who kill people in the name of jesus, so be prepared to be very on guard when in their midsts. 2, they're racist, plain and simple. Not all of them, some white girls up in there are insane and love black men for some reason, probably want to be rebellious or something, but for the most part, you won't find much love for black people in the military though if you're willing to get the job done, they won't care that much about skin complexion.

Now that I figured out this water thing, which I think will cure me. My research has revealed that yeah it's medical fact that dehydration causes head aches, in my case my brain probably wasn't getting enough water to it, and the rush of endorphins from masturbating only masked the problem for a short period of time. I've been sleeping better, dreaming, and my brain is actually functioning faster because I've been hydrating myself as much as possible.

So with this newfound knowledge I think I can definitely take on the army bmt or navy, doesn't matter. Problem is that we are at war. Reading about how the mil just killed a bunch of women and children is damn shocking. They use their own kids as a way to get me to feel sorry for them, whoa is their poor white kids because a big scary black man got frustrated with their constant harassment, but then they blast away a bunch of other people's kids like it's nothing. Wow. And the funny thing is that I hate all kids, not just white kids, all of them suck to me.

But nevermind all that. I'm still into the military because it's probably the last place on earth where a man can be a man and not have some crazy psycho feminist bitch telling him a bunch of crap about suppression. Unfortunately I don't know if I want to fight for a country that's blowing up kids and then brushing it off as part of warfare.

Good Lawd

Today will be a day that will live in an infirmary. I mean, uh no, this day is very special...

So from bmt I learned that water can't be drunk in gulps or else the body just pisses it out for some reason. Happened every single fucking time I drank my 8 canteen fulls a day. I drank it really fast since bmt moves fast, then during pt while being directed to do a bunch of exercises I of course pissed myself. I look back now and kick my self in regret for just not giving a shit what my instructors thought. I'm a grown ass man, I shouldn't be begging to take a piss from some asshole guy.

Anyway while in the doctors office part of the training facility a bitch up in there told me that my head ache could be caused by dehydration (yeah right, I thought. I've had this head ache for 3 years, been told to take pills for depression, and it only goes away briefly when I masturbate.)

But no, I want to marry that girl, she was right. I decided my body being older now, it's in need of more water, so all day I've been slowly sipping water from a straw, careful not to over drink it.

I thought it wouldn't work at first, but HOLY H20 BATMAN am I feeling more alive than I have in years, not 100% but the simple act of drinking a few cups of water has nearly eliminated my head ache which I thought I'd never overcome. turns out it was dehydration that caused it all along. How stupid I've been...

So that's the way to play it. If you're smart you'll get rid of soda and sugars from your diet and drink water, properly, not in gulps but little by little. Lady said water leaves your body as fast as you put it into it, and she's damn right about that...

Ronda and Raven

I'm thinking about redoing my old comic story EDEN. I started it in 2001 I think. Just drawing girls for the first time. About this time I couldn't think of anything else. 9 years later, I'm still thinking about it. Like I said I threw it all in the trash once I figured I'd get with a real girl. I thought "what's the point of having the big box of pornography... people will just find it years later, and I can't bring it with me wherever I go." WRONG! as lex luthor would say. I did some of the finest drawings I've ever dones EVER in that whole comic series, shit was ridiculous, angles were outrageous, I had entire like majin buu dudes coming out of girl's breasts... what a series. And I could have scanned it... simple. I only have some very few fragments of it that I capture with my webcam one day. So it stings even more knowing that at the time I did think about capturing the entire thing digitally, but I simply decided not to... My parents even know about it, always have, so what the hell was I trying to hide in the end...

god damn. Well It's all in my head. It's not just porn. I hate porn because there's no intelligence to it and the few hentai with a little bit of brains behind it don't have much. The best one I've read to date being slut girl, it's what inspired ronda. Just as a work of art it's good, then it has a fun enjoyable story, that just happens to feature females naked. My porn, was an attempt to tackle that problem, how usually every hentai's just retarded. I tried to make it realistic in that the story would play out, and simply because Ronda was a hot female she ends up getting raped, but everything had some kind of purpose. Like when galactica inserted ronda into her butt, Ronda now had an opportunity to defeat her by shooting a fireball out her head. It wasn't just, oh she's naked now, fuck fuck fuck, splooge, noooo I had it all make sense as far as what would the character realistically do in that situation.

So I'm currently on the Ronda in The Lost World part. This was where I left off. The EDEN story ends on a cliff hanger. Lena, a converted henchman of Dr. Gero sacrifices herself to destroy the EDEN Android (I drew all of this shit while watching the Android saga of DBZ, so sue me!) and Eve uses her time machine (Yes she's based on trunks...) to evacuate everyone from the nuclear blast that occurs. And it prettymuch ends there. The next step for the story was to take it to years in the future where android edens taken over earth (where eve is from). But I decided to create side stories. They eventually get to the distopian future and all that, but this show called the lost world influenced me to try that out. So the time machine gets broken, and hops through space and time. One place is called "the lost world" it's a forest kind of planet or whatever, (it's the same world as pokemon in my mind) and there's all sorts of weird magical bullshit going on in it. Ronda is completely nude throughout it. I've never done that before. She's always clothed, then she gets her cloths ripped off, this time I'm keeping her naked. It plays into the whole getting back to nature theme as she becomes more linked to her animal heritage. (Saiyan females are based on cows, not monkeys like the males) In the end she gains an upgrade in power and then eve fixes the time machine and they're off to another adventure.

Then there was the final battle. I'd drawn only sketches and potential designs of the baddies. I based EDENs final look on Kate from kate's playground. She's nude but with a necklass and shoes only, and she's learned the animal transformation technique from her mother, so she's able to grow wings similar to a Raven, a reference to my own comic book hero I came up with in 8th grade. It's weird anime type shit, but roll with it, it gets good. So it's like the terminator. The thing that has to happen here is basically defeat android eden who has now prettymuch taken over the earth. Ronda steps aside and allows her daughter to finally fullfill her destiny and beat her evil twin. The battle rages over a volcanic terrain right, it's two godlike women, one looking like an angel, the other like a vampire, and they battle and battle and eventually eden wins, but then android eden pops out of the lava through her own butt hole and tries to pull eden in who is by this time totally exausted and bloody. Ronda and verona meanwhile are fighting each other over somewhere. Verona turns bad again after fusing *yes based on the fusion saga* with older verona who only has one arm, she then achieves super saiyan 4 like ronda, and the two beat each other up pretty darn good. Mean while Eve and her brother Adam (what?) who is also her father (yep, I decided she's an incest baby. See, Adam unknowingly impregnates both Eve and Eden during this chapter making Eve his mother and EDEN the mother of Eve, so awesome) fight with an underground resistance against the bog beasts and shit lead by none other than Linda the robo girl who ronda blew to pieces. She wants revenge. I can't remember how it all ended exactly since I never really totally made it to that chapter of the story. Eden doesn't just beat her though. It's a really tough battle...

I sketched the Jungle Girl character today. I knew I wanted a native to the pokemon lost world planet to save ronda from the rhino man (He's a mystical creature who comes rushing out of the jungle to rape girls if one raises her ass into the air and explose her butt hole, then it's over, you're getting fucked. in the butt. hard.) So ronda doesn't know this and she puts her ass in the air, and the dude slams her ass into a tree and she's taken by surprise, then jungle girl takes a passed out ronda back to her camp. She then explains to ronda that she was foolish to expose her back side. and then goes on to tell her about how to survive in the strange world and that she may be the chosen one who will defeat the Raven king. Its weird, but bear with me. So jungle girl and ronda venture out into the woods to find the road to the Raven king or whatever. Then they meet Mya, crazy cat bitch, I love her character a lot. She's a clown, hates the jungle girl who always spoils her fun. The two fight then mya tricks the jungle girl into showing her butt hole and rhino man rips her ass up. It is then that her mask comes off and it is revealed that the jungle girl is actually Verona, Ronda's old nemesis. Mya tells ronda not to worry about her and then the two go into the quest to find the king.

Raven king is the father of Mya, who has been banished from the kingdom. Mya offers him ronda in hopes of being returned to former good standing. He accepts ronda as a sex slave and tells his daughter to stay out of trouble. Mya's mother is a bunny girl, the queen. She hates ronda but accepts that her husband is in charge and has many concubines.

as you can see the whole lost world chapter is about animals of various kinds. So ronda learns that there are mystical artifacts called the golden nipples and that only a certain girl can access the doorway to them. They think ronda is the key. Using complicated method they get to the golden nipples. Ronda fights the bunny bitch over them. Mya kicks her mother's ass at the last minute and tells ronda to put on the golden nipples. Ronda gets the nipples and they give her great milk squirting ability which she uses to re-energize herself and she saves the day. With her new powers she becomes more in tune with her cowlike origin and without using any saiyan powers beats the raven, and she returns home with greater sense of what she can do with her much plumper tits. From this point forward she always has bigger boobs which signifies she's achieved greater power levels.

While all that shit's going on, Eve is having a hell of a time at a gladiator tournament she's been forced into. She also meets verona in disguise. A running theme. Ronda in one place yet meets verona, and eve in another and meets verona too. Verona meanwhile is getting fucked up as well. She's gets wizard blasted into a magical realm where she fights different versions of herself, ss1, ss2, ss3, jade princess (her original name), then she finds the Sword of athena, sword that can cut through anything. And from then on she defeats a dragon with it, and dissapears...

Just typing about it makes me want to do it again. This time better. But it hurts knowing that I threw a lot of really good drawings in the trash. It's like that time when I spent hours doing an animation of ronda vs verona in that gif animator program, then the computer froze. It's from terrible experience that I learned to ALWAYS save a project. I then redid the animation, and to my surprise it came out better than the original, but it sucks ass that the original is gone forever. Same shit, different year.

Heh

I forgot about this blog. I've got so much other things on my mind lately. I keep dwelling on shit that doesn't matter now, like how to deal with jerks on the job etc. A job isn't usually complicated, if you find one that isn't a big deal. Looking back, my job at target was a sweet deal. Sure it was a joke because they had us do a ridiculous amount of work for barely any pay, but my boss was hot, I was in doors, the girls working at target were beautiful, and a lot of them in high school still, which makes it fucking hard to know which ones to get with since I don't want to break any laws or nothing... The airport job I didn't want to take, just wanted to go straight into the airforce and stay there till I died. Would have too if they didn't ask me to get married to some bitch there. What a joke... I mean I'm way behind everyone else, that's the problem, maybe some soldiers are dying in the battlefield right now, but they probably have kids, so they're ok with dying since they're immortal now.

So what's bothering me now is that I didn't see the whole "adult world" bit coming. I'm not looking for trouble from anyone, but it would seem some people have nothing else in life but to go around harrassing as many people as possible. That dude at my airport job was a spy sent by the government to keep an eye on me. I could tell as soon as he started playing the bad cop role they do in tv shows. What's bad cop? It's when like you're a suspect of a crime, they bringing in a guy who doesn't give a fuck about you, insults you, treats you like crap. It's why you have to be ballsy to survive in this world. These corporations, industries etc. have people on hand who are willing to rip people apart for the bread and butter. Sucks. And something I personally didn't see coming was that like people in the military expect me to become a big strong manly man after having been raised to surpress that side of me as much as humanly possible. So what do they do? They send a guy who's just this huge football playing marine asshole after me to prove I'm not all that. Never said I was, just want to make a buck like any other guy...

I'm barely hanging on as it is. are all men as sexually frustrated as me? I see other guys and they seem cool and calm. Me, I feel like a drug addict.

I know this much. There are some people out there who WANT young men to be so fucked up about sexuality because they have services and businesses that make money off of "fixing you" whether it be with drugs or whatever. I'm shocked to discover that yeah everybody's ruthlessly telling me to either find a girlfriend "cuz now itz time tur go afta da reel ting!!1" or pop pills. WOW. Thanks buddy! ReallY? It's like time to get a girlfriend? After going through puberty and being taught NOT to fuck girls or I'll end up ruining my life? Because YOU want me to, it's ok. This world...

Not only that, but fucking women in their 20s want to get fucked, not necessarily impregnated but yeah like I've been saying they'll fuck a guy like me up if I'm not one of those normal males who's always trying to rip a girl's panties off. Holy shit. Did I miss something? When did anyone give the go signal on sex? I know I could be having it. But one asshole says wait until marriage. Another says, get it while the getting's good. Only a fool waits...

Sigh... Ah well, I tried quiting masturbation again. I failed of course, and now my head feels all fuzzy and fucked up because the endorphin rush has passed and I'm back to feeling like I need another fix to feel normal. I can't explain it, but yeah I honestly feel like it's impossible to quit. If I try. I dream about girls. I quit last night and immediately I have a dream about a naked white blonde chick. Don't ask... I woke up hard as hell, right. I struggle all day to not masturbate, I try and try and try, I tell myself I lasted all through bmt without dying or anything, I just had my sleep taken away, and it fucked me up... but naw, the whole feeling it gives me is too much to deny and I blow a load, then I sleep a little, wake up, and blow another. Then since I already fucked up, what could it hurt, I go for it again.

And the cycle continues...