beyond the infinite

so I just jacked off again after staying off it for days. What can I say, it's been both a blessing and a curse this sex drive. It started off as this blissful experience and now at 27 is nothing more than a burden as I struggle to figure out what to do with it. I'm like a vampire in need of his plasma fix or I'm going to just die kinda thing. I wonder if everybody's like this. In the seinfeld episode, the contest, jerry and co. attempt to quit masturbating with no success. can it be done is the question. Why do we as human beings believe in any sense of morality and right and wrong when we're all merely fated to be shackled down by an insatiable lust for sex in the end? What I mean is that I recall as a kid, one day a kid pushed a teacher down a flight of stairs. I wonder if that kid is now banging girls left and right. Does he deserve that life? and also did the teacher go home that day and fuck and forget all about the evil that was committed against her? Can we just fuck away our problems in the end as a species?

It doesn't hurt. Sure as hell makes you feel a little better about things to blow off a load that's for sure. The thing I think about is how much does it count in the end. Do only the good people deserve to enjoy sex. If sex is such a universal thing, how is one to determine who's deserving of it if well, fuck, anybody can do it... why is it that we don't teach kids about it? wtf is that about?

I'm not stupid. I know that a lot of people think it's the end all be all and that everyone who can should particapate in it and not worry about the particulars, but I don't believe in anarchy. Granted life is a strange business when you're black. You're hated from the start, and then in my case give people a reason to hate you. But when you really get down to it, when you really think about it, it doesn't even matter who hates who. We're all just going to fuck the shit out of whoever we like and not even be concerned with nobody else in the world anyway. Is that right? That you shouldn't care if good people righteous people get a good life? And the bad get shit.

I know this. There is a higher power at work. I mean... I look at porn stars and beneath all the pretense of righteous indignation, fighting the norms of society and all that, there's a sense of shame that they've sullied their reputation. As much as someone like sasha grey may want to flip the switch and transcend her pornfilled past, she's never going to escape it. EVER. And that's the joke in the end I guess. Doing shit will come back to bite you won't it.