Computer down

Why my net usage haz bbeen crippled. Its forced me to actually semi turn bacj to  ab90s kid. I cant binge watch stuff... can't play video games. I've mostly been going for walks and cooking stuff and I mean besides hot white girl porno been barely using the web for the usual long winded shit I post here... I'm crippled... but I've gotten forced to be less dependent which is good. Power supply on my pc exploded. I can only hope it boots once install a new one and can finish static.

But yeah there it is. Unless you follow me on Twitter you'd think I just quit blogging. It's a quick divorce internet life. It's so quick.

So when I do stop blogging etc either I'm dead or I just quit. I see it a lot online and inevitably I too will cease to be a crazy online need fucktard. I really don't give a damn...

thawtz on the stabbing of junior

Boy, goddamn son. I've been there, getting jumped here in the bronx. Got lucky guy didn't kill me. Don't know why the fuck you think a little high school fuck like me has money, but you found out real quick my pockets were empty... So from that point forward I always carried a weapon whenever I had to walk the streets here in the bronx. It was my intro to the real world, fight or die kinda shit.

I feel bad for the dude, and he wasn't even the person they wanted to kill. Wrong kid, huh... everything wrong about this case, just a bunch of goons thinking they're accomplishing something and getting a nice dumb ass clear as shit example of their own stupidity by being caught on camera committing murder... They're going down... Hopefully anyway... word is one of them has already fled the country...

The bronx cops are gonna round up black and latino youth just for nothing now that they're in hunt mode, I can assure you.

And the fucked up part of this all is? If he had pepper spray on him, would have survived I bet...

The cops confiscated my pepper spray because technically it is illegal. Not here in the Bronx you dumb fucks. If you don't go out packing some self defense weapon on you, you're in the wrong neighborhood.. These street punks don't give two fucks about you...

I will buy more pepper spray and have it on me, I don't give a F what the police want to think. It's not  a nice world... if he popped some pepper in those guy's faces while they were trying to kill him, would have been a lot less stab wounds perhaps, something...

So I will give you young guys my permission. Ignore the law, buy self defense pepper spray, pocket knife, whatever you can get to protect yourself here in this shit town...

Nobody will be there or care when the gang members jump you. Nobody... Some dick head cop with his head up his ass is not going to show up or give a fuck.... So do what you can to take care of you...

RIP young dude, shit way to go out...

More fun

Goddamn waiting... I think it's best to go down for the dinner hours rather than be here early. It's about that prime time dinner hour more than the afternoon rush hour. So I'm going to be kinda lounging around with no orders instead of being bombarded with them. Shit... no library open just nothing at the moment but the boring typical people of this grinding gear that is the city...

Returning the scooter

So down these days. Don't get it. I used to be quite enthusiastic about life in some sort of way. I just don't know what it is, guess I mourn for the time I've lost, truth be told. I don't really feel old yet, but certainly feel like my youth has been robbed away from me. I never truly had honest to God fun as a kid besides the weekends when there was no bull shit school and tv was awesome. It's awkward to be treated like I'm f'n 50 and been through everything and seen it all and lived a long life.

I ain't done shit yet... ain't done nothing... I may be legally an adult, but I'm a damn retarded child-like version due to forces beyond my control...

Yunno what I think. If you're young punk kid, and you're being told follow the law, do the right thing, stay in school, don't get pussy, don't do anything major or interesting, just be a mindless drone going through the daily schedule you're given.

DON'T.

Take chances, make mistakes. I followed the rules, now I sit here looking at a world that hates my black ass and I have to constantly feel scared of everyone and everything and have no experience with girls no life lived worth a damn.

All cuz I decided to be a good guy...

Not saying make a ruckus and start constant trouble and go on killing sprees. But don't be the system's bitch. Just don't. It's better to have lived, done things, experience life, than get older and don't have a scratch on you from doing things and getting out and living.

So my scooter I spent 165 dollars on is a pile of garbage. Will be returning it. Sad because it'd have helped a lot to just have something to go to the movies with real quick or whatever.... But safe to say this slow snail scooter can't manage the distance to the theater if it tried. It's a cheap piece of junk...

Thank goodness for return policies...

Gonna check out Toys R us today to see if I can get a ghostbusters toy for cheap. My caviar and postemates money finally dropped and I have enough to go on a spree at toys r us today if i want... They claim over there that they're going to mark the prices down even further to where it's gonna be too cheap... literally the bank owns the store now, that toys r us is gonna just become a totally different store or something at some point, so even if they mark it down to a penny they have to get rid of all the toys.... so yeah gonna be some good deals. I just hope the damn gb toys I saw in there are still there since they're not in the aisle that people generally always go to....

F'n still pissed about that guy stealing my bike... Did he take it thinking it was a free bike give away at the store or did he just feel like stealing it and making a profit selling it... obviously just an asshole looking to steal a bike of course. Black guy... black people stealing, sadly it's the thing that makes blacks consistently not the world's favorite form of human... A lot of things I can tell you about make even me not like black people much... Makes no sense right, I am freakin black. If I don't like black people, well where's the logic there... Hard to say.... just Damn son, black people are some f'd up people, all there really is to say on the matter... f'd up... like it's just tough to go a damn day without black-angst cropping up and whole bunch of animosity and crap going on... It's been interesting observing that one black guy who's the jackass and goes around instigating fights with everyone and making damn sure the kkk still has a reason to exist... always been interesting....

Not something I like to return my thoughts to in this blog, the complexity of the black experience. I just wish everyone was just not putting anyone down, everybody just acknowledging the strengths and weaknesses of all people. How is that so hard?

Well soon enough be rid of this scooter and watch some movies, and continue my healing that I'm trying to do. I've wrecked my muscles as I previously stated. They're needing days to repair and rebuild. Still immensely sore from biking and tearing the fibers down.... It sucks. I could barely move or walk after that long day of bike riding... My muscles haven't had to do that for months since I stopped making the static movie and have been laying down for hours editing, playing videogames, watching movies... so my muscles shrunk away only being strong enough for stair climbing and short walks, not miles of bike riding....

Sorta like what I've been saying, you got to get off your ass and do stuff or you're gonna just get weaker as a person, it's the basic truth...

So the current events

I'm concerned, yes. I think about it. It's got to be horrifying ordeal for the families and obviously it's caused deaths this "policy" that's being put forth by a bunch of goons in the government.

Sad that the gov works like it does, bunch of people blindly following orders without just using common sense or basic logic at times... Worked with a few goons in tsa who were seriously devoted to it, like not stepping a toe out of the rules even if they didn't need to be perfectly followed to get the job done well. That was a wake up call, some people have some kind of OCD type of crap where they love to follow orders to the last letter and go ape shit if you question them. Such utter nonsense...

You can be a human being. You can show compassion. You can show understanding of what people are going through and make adjustments to the rules to suit that... Like, I'm not going to view an elderly as hell person as a threat and go full force investigating them etc.... a family with little kids etc, not gonna go crazy looking over every inch of their bags for explosives, gotta be kidding....

Sometimes yeah the rules just don't make much sense...  I can site instances where we gotta test little girls for explosives at times, I mean just wtf with that... That of course scares the crap out of them. First time going on a plane, oh by the way, gotta make sure your little punk ass doesn't start any trouble... such asinine rules.

Just like, constantly re-searching a bag after you find the tooth paste that set it off... and that's an awkward thing to decide is not allowed, tooth paste... just dumb stuff, man...

Don't know, I've seen some stuff that just doesn't make sense to do man... and if you want to cause a plane to go down, get a job at the airport, walk right on in and toss a timed explosive into it at work, workers don't get checked... it'd be that easy... but no, it's the little girl that's the problem...

Break time

I'm going on a week vacation from postemates and caviar...

Certainly not something people with a regular job can say of course.. I don't have to worry about rent and shit, still in that limbo where you're searching for a job to be able to afford such an existence.

I don't give two giant F's about how people EXPECT you to just go out and "get a job" like it's nothing. It can take a solid year to get employed if it's a certain type of job, and typically several months for normal bottom barrel jobs. The only thing I can hop on quick and do quickly is app gigs. So no, don't talk to me about how it's my fault I'm unemployed. It's a goddamn olympic feat to get a job anywhere out there in this corrupt society. Tripple nipple hard if you're black of course...

So tired as hell tonight. I do need a break from running around manhattan. It's bound to lead to a run in with the police. I don't have any ill will towards them. In fact, I was friends with a guy in TSA who was working on getting in with the police and I worked with cops every day at the airport. The cops are the ones who treat Me and other TSA like insignificant ants, but overall we were doing similar thankless work, and had a rapor with each other... There was a mutual respect.

They got to lose that attitude of holier than thou because of that badge and gun, and there'd be a lot less friction between police and people. I KNOW who cops are because I worked with them. When they put on that act of being captain america, I always roll my eyes... they're freakin people...

But what can I do. Power corrupts, does it not...

 So what was it that caused such a emo downturn yesterday. I don't want to dwell on it.... it's over. It's just like, shit... fuck... it's gone... that thing that I wanted to save, is in a flash, gone... That sucks. I guess since I'm so socially stunted, something like that means so much to me... If I got out more, yeah wouldn't have been the end of the universe...

Today was lucrative if draining... such long postemates. I think it's time to abandon postemates. For the second time they gave me an order for something from the depths of manhattan to deliver up to the top of harlem. I did it because legit I'd be sitting there waiting for an order instead, so I decided to take the pain and do it.. challenge myself or whatever. And it was exactly what I feared, it was long, terribly painful and up hill mostly...

One tiny pint of ice cream on a 3 mile bike ride up hill. THINK. ABOUT. THAT.

Fuck Postemates.

Not doing them no more... They're insane. That's not even a reasonable order... if it's a meal, dinner, and cost much and whatever... makes sense. You're delivering dinner to someone who's maybe not able to get out of bed or something. There's people who are immobile and can't go out... so app ordering is all they have... But no, this person was just lazy and didn't want to take the time go to the supermarket for icecream.

So it's what these people are all about, being lazy as balls and trying to get away with ordering shit from miles away and have some sucker deliver it to them... sad shit.

I think caviar works based on proximity. If you're near the more expensive restaraunts that's what they'll give you. like I was just near the shake shack in harlem and suddenly I got an order. So I'd have never gotten that order if I was down at 35th street in the bottom. Makes perfect sense that the orders you get are based on the proximity to the restaurant. They're not going to screw the workforce by making them travel freakin 5 miles down to go to a restaruant way down... so I learned my lesson. Got to stick close to the high class restaurants and hopefully the orders start flowing....

Don't know what to do right now. It's hard to not only get tossed in jail for a night, but lose stuff ya wanted to keep for eternity.... not easy to come to grips with that stuff. I was thinking yeah, you need some kind of time to heal and maybe even forget your pain some how... just let the mind erase it...

I'd like to just fucking erase a lot of the last couple of weeks, just get rid of it...

Emotion and pain

How I wish I didn't have them. So to put it as bluntly as possible, I screwed up... Not the first time and certainly not going to be the last...

Like I've had moments of cold emptiness where you break or lose something valuable you'll never get back...

I kinda have crossed the threshhold I suppose into that mental state where you give in to defeat but go crazy in the process.

What's my dumb ass going on about. I think about it and do want to just let it fucking go. It's not the end of the world.

But my emotions overwhelmed me. I died inside when it happened. The soul is real. And when it feels the pain of failure, it's real. It's so visceral, gut churning when your soul screams out in horror or pain...

Thatt's what I was feeling. It was beyond physical pain. I don't care about physical pain. But to have my f'n soul ripped apart, it crushed me. I dropped mood-wise. Felt absolutely f'n horrible....

Still feel horrible. I mean, I don't know what to feel. I'm just existing. I'm not really here, not participating... I'm that emotionally broken up about it.

Shit happened so fast... it was just flipping a switch. One minute, normal. Next second later, devastated, broken, depressed beyond reason.

That's not fair to have that kind of weakness and I feel so limp and flimsy a person to be crushed so quick and easily by bad move that wasn't truly my fault, I was groggy and pressed the button without knowing fully it would screw up my day just that quick...

My mind is struggling to figure out how to spin this into a positive or at least a moderately ok situation... It's not finding the answer. And that's what's killing me, not being able to solve the equation. The mind is a computer. Imagine telling a computer to solve an unsolvable equation or something. It crashes of course. My brain crashed. I crashed... I'm frozen and damn well need a reboot.

I may move on from this but it's gone, whatever part of me existed before this, it's so gone, it's just gone.....