The stuff that defines me.

Goddamn, gotta say with a passion I wish I could rewind the clock and be 11 years old again. Goddamn, being out in the world as an adult in this kill or be killed society is really hard. And it's just a strange life to be suddenly thrust into. And I don't get to feel safe at all or even know where to begin with getting a girlfriend or how to go about that whole thing. You can't tell a guy who's still figuring out sex and girls the ins and outs of pregnancy and kids. That's waaaay off in the distance, for me. Still is. I was never focusing on that stuff when I was checking out tits and ass in 8th grade... So I'm still not thinking about that. Sue me...

But yeah this world is the wild west. Kids don't see it yet, but it's the jungle for real. Very crazy world, full of very big things and just insane big industries doing what they do and me trying to get little jobs and supposedly I've got a bunch of people I've never met before and I don't know, hovering over me and looking at me and judging my actions etc.

But there's nothing to see here. Just a guy trying to figure out how to live and go through life like anybody.

The stuff that I try to hold on to as I get way too mixed up in the world we live in, is the stuff I enjoyed most as a kid.

Star Wars, Ninja Turtles, Batman, Home Alone, Superman, X-men. These things are the true center of my being and give me personally some sense of peace because just hanging out in my living room as a kid watching badass movies like terminator etc, was the best time of my life as a child. Just to be hanging out and watching a really great work of art is just everything to me. Makes me feel good and I love and hope that the film makers these days are going to really make cool fucking movies in the future because the stuff I remember watching was awesome, and it'd be great to get more of the same as we advance into the future.

Life has taken a dark turn for me. Although it's not all bad. I mean, even though I've been cursed with the whole condemnation towards my potential offspring, I still love a pair of titties, I still have no problem enjoying the goddamn abundance of titties and ass on the streets.

Nothing wrong with that and Yeah, I guess the dude's right, a guy like me, handsome, muscular, cool, wrather sizable package, will indeed one day be slamming some girl's booty.

Uh, let's hope so. I don't care if they got a camera on me while I'm fucking some girl. I just want to do it. I just want to actually get the experience, then I can say I'm one of the regular guys in this fucking world.

Virgin for life is not what I ever thought I'd personally end up becoming...

Just not even began to think that was going to be who I was. But that's exactly how it seems. Just never going to happen, forget about it, go work on the time machine or whatever else...

 Go get a degree and shit. Yeah you can take that fucking degree and shove it up your ass.

I'm not buying into the bullshit games this world is playing. I got my intentions and they're set in stone. I don't even care if the end result is not to the best outcome, hell I don't even think that's like actually something to hurt someone with, EVERYBODY'S KIDS don't like them that much. That's one of the most like common things in this world you'll find is the whole angsty kids thing. I've helped raise several kids, and I'm still an uncle to my niece and nephews, so the prospect of being not particularly liked by kids isn't really new to me. I've gone down that road and it is what it is. You break bread and live with them deal with them best you can, that's all...

Hell, I'm no expert on dealing with kids, but I understand the way kids think having been one and I dare say, leave them the fuck alone. Don't be all up in their face all the time and shit. I hated when adults were getting in my face as a kid. I just wanted to play basketball, watch movies, videogames whatever, not have some asshole in my face and bothering me.

the ancient fear

the fuck..

that is a terrible title...

It's just about as shitty as the phantom Menace. But at least that one sounded like a smarter more cryptic title. Hell in fact the ancient fear just seems like some kind of offshoot of the the phantom menace. Not something very good or new or interesting.

I don't know. This whole thing is shaping up to be exactly as shitty as the Star Trek sequels they made back when Shatner and Co. Were getting old and they wanted to make the most out of it before they became way past the point of no return.

Exciting times...

I've been applying and applying and applying for jobs left and right as usual. Only job that seems to be going anywhere is CBP.

If indeed I become a Customs Officer, I think it's by the graces of God. I believe in God. I pray to God. I think everybody should. But I'm not going to try to shove my thoughts down everyone's throat. If you are so inclined to live without faith, then that's your life.

But I don't believe we as a collective, and we're all together on this. All of us. White, black, asian, hispanic, we're all together under the umbrella of God. And his will. Whatever he wants, he'll get. Fuck humans.

I just don't know whether this is going to go up or down for me, but if I get in and I have the job and I'm making a good paycheck, and I get an apartment and all the things men dream of, I'll finally be able to relax and not feel anxious all day which is the norm for me. I just feel lost in life...

It's like, as a kid, I didn't know what was going to happen as I got up there in age. I didn't know. I just was going to school and that was everything. The only thing that seemed like it might be fun to try was fucking some girl at some point. Now I'm goddamn 28 years old and I haven't gotten fucking anywhere close to sticking my dick in a girl's body...

Hell it's even worse considering I'm a black dude. Ultimately the greatest joke you'll get when you get older as a black person is that you're a parasite in this society. Very fucking minority of the upper races wants and desires black genetics.

 But don't dwell on it. I implore black kids not to think about it too much. Nature finds a way. Spielberg was so fucking right about that. You can try to say blacks suck and are no good and should just fuck  off, but nature created black people and whatever nature wants nature will continue to get no matter what very powerful smart white men want or think.

And I think they know that. They fucking know it's not that blacks exist to be this shitty race of people who make life complicated for white people and asians etc. It's fucking nature at work. Creating a race of people designed to survive in harsh climates. And in fact, scientifically, people like me, mixed people, are the future of humanity.

I look at race from a scientific perspective honestly, not an aesthetic one. Problem is, that the social, economic, and financial outlook for being a black person is very complicated one. You have to have skill or get an ivy league degree as a black person to make it in this world. Or you're fucked.

Really, what the fuck ya gonna do against very super smart white guys out there. What? Shit, that's what ya gonna do. Shit...

Thoughts on GTA V

Well I'm just hanging out in my room as usual. It's like this, been using the web since 8th grade. You may not like it but the majority of the people using forums across the web are punk kids like I was back then. They come on line, search for porn, and then search for movie news or some shit.

So even though I'm damn near my 30s I still do the same shit. Look at movie news and porn.

And play videogames. Ain't nothin changed about me gotta say, still doing the same old shit. Playing videogames, and jackin off.

But at least now I have somewhere to post my thoughts on them. Don't know if you care, probably don't. I realize it's like, there's no gurantees in this world. Nobody owes nobody nothing. Everythings money, and that's what I'm going to bank on. Earning a substantial amount of money as I get older so I don't have to worry about shit. Like my cousin. He's extremely wealthy, has it all. And he has a daughter etc. If I can be like him, FUCK YEAH.

28 motherfucking years old motherfucker. Gotta say, I don't feel no different. Still just a horny fucker trying to pound ass. Goddamn. Yunno, I just want to dip my dick into some girl's ass hole so fucking bad, man. And I want to just give her a good goddamn time, that's what I want to do.

It ain't about animalistically raping a girl. No, what I want to do is make her happy. I want to give her a good life, all that crap. Cuz I've seen what guys do to girls all the time. And I wasn't taught to be like that and I don't condone it either. I want to fucking treat a girl with love and respect and all that shit....

So I got GTA V and I gotta say as a true fan of the GTA Series and let me be clear, I know EVERYTHING about GTA. So I'm the guy to come to to understand the complexity of the series etc. It's a monumental game, and that's putting it lightly. This singular game changed EVERYTHING about gaming to this very day. And that's not even half of the full specttrum of what GTA has given to the world of gaming. To create a game where you choose to either play the mission or sit back and just relax and do nothing is absolutely amazing to me. I played every system growing up, that I could find and to this day nothing has amazed me more than what Rockstar has been doing with GTA. I mean, fucking I've played Mario 64 and thought that was the best game ever. Hell, even super mario world I thought was a truly amazing game that couldn't be topped. As well as Metal Gear, but no. The day I got GTA3 for my Ps2 was the best day ever. I played the fuck out of that game. Because for me back then, kids today don't know it, but for us teens back when GTa3 came out, it was like the first time ever in a videogame that you could hang out and do nothing. Everything single super nintendo game every sega game, every fucking playstation game you had to be moving and fighting or something. But in GTA, there's no time limit, you can do whatever you want and the game was so incredibly huge. Yunno... So that and I bought Vice City back then. Man, I really lived it up in my teen years gotta say. I tried to aquire a lot of cool toys for myself because as a little kid I had NOTHING. My friends had all the cool stuff and I just had shit so when I finally had some kind of money from 5 bucks a day for lunch, I saved every day and got around 30 dollars and went to go buy videogames. I got the Ps2 for christmas and was just always about buying new games etc.

And I played all the good shit that I could get. Now I just basically get games with my own money and shit, from my jobs.

And that's alright with me. I love gaming, if it's worth it, I'll spend the money on it. And this GTA is the BEST GTA we have gotten. I loved San Andreas to death when I got that game and so basically we now have a really supped up San Andreas. That's basically what GTA V is, it's GTa San Andreas but with HD graphics, but goddamn, is it more than that. It's not just this big fucking shitty map with nothing special going on, it's full of fun and yunno, it's like they finally perfected the art of making GTA games with this one. All the flaws from the previous games etc have been polished out. The game is for me, it's kinda like yeah they realize that the people who are going to buy this GTA are people like me, who have been playing the games from day one. So to just have the game feature the same old running around to do missions kinda shit, wouldn't be as interesting. So what they've done is included a bunch of other things to do to make the standard GTA template more fun. Stock market is great. Now I think I understand the stock market because GTA taught me how to use it. Hopefully it's very much the same when I do indeed start buying stocks. I've alreayd earned a lot of money buying stocks and it's great that they put that in.

And now we have a legit GTA Multiplayer online experience. It's like the developers are lookinga t the GTA scene and seeing what modders are doing and just giving us the real deal. Like, this is how I hoped GTA 4 would have done things, but it didn't. GTA 4 took out planes and shit. You can't do that.  I look at GTA 4 as a huge wasted opportunity. Sure they intended to create a game that was essentially not a big bombastic gta game, that would bring it right back down to the roots that it came from, sure, but unfortunately the game became really stale after playing it initially... just fell flat. Nothing to do especially when you can no longer jump in a jet and fly all over the place firing at motherfuckers. Now that's back and it's damn good that it's back. Cuz, if I have to drive across the fucking huge map, I'll lose my mind...

It's a great fucking game and the whole 3 player switching thing is really nice. It's like you're playing 3 different games. Seeing 3 different complex social levels in the gta world. Which is interesting, ya gotta little slice of how life in this world works. Rich people, blacks, hillbilly people all living going around working together to make money and live rich. It's interesting how the complexity of life is captured in the game.

 For me, I like playing as franklin. He's basically me, and I identify with his struggle as a black guy trying to squeeze by in the white world we live in.

Shit is the truth. I mean it's not the end of the world to be a black guy in America, but it's not easy. You'll be trapped in your body and can't get out no matter what you want to do about it. Hell, that's why I live here in this side of the bronx. There's no real substantial white pressence around here. It's prettymuch a black neighborhood and it's not terrible, but it's no where close to the white neighborhoods and what kind of life style they probably live over there...

 Fucking living in disneyland, white people.

Niggas live in fucking shitville.

Nigggggggggggaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa.

Fuck man. But just saying, GTA V is a great fucking game. I don't have any real problems with it. It's got all the shit you could want in a GTA game so far. I'm only 20% into it and so far so good, it's been a good fucking game. I mean, there's just so much fun to be had playing this one and the little things are what make it great. Just being able to sit and eat potato chips and shit like that. That's what makes this game a masterpiece. That right there is how you make a fucking videogame. Give a nigga some fucking chips.

And that's what's beautiful about playing the game is that you can just enjoy the serious deep levels of detail that they put into the game. Every little thing in the game has been given the finest polish. Seriously. It's like I was just in awe of the detail put into fucking little tiny rocks and bits of crates around the pier.

If there's a flaw it's that they put the game out only on PS3 when we have the PS4 on the horizon. If indeed there's actually more power they can pump out of the system to make things better, maybe it would have been better to toss it on the ps4 instead. But nevermind that, most likely we'll get a big amazing super awesome GTA for the PS4 some time later. As for now, this game looks unbelievable. Every fucking thing is OVERLY detailed in this game. It's like it kinda does itself a disservice being so realistic really. Since the graphics are never going to look photo real, yet everything has the tiniest detail to it. But it sells the immersive quality of the game so that's fine.

Anyway, if you're going to get a game for your Kid, do not get GTA fucking IV, get V. This game is the best GTA game EVER goddammit... It's just perfect. It works, the story is genius. The world is very nicely designed. I gotta say they finally hit the sweat spot. GTa 4's world was shitty because it just didn't have any real like geometry to it that was fun to interact with. It was basically flat and uninteresting. But GTA V's map is full of complex intertwining little passages etc that make it far more fun to play, similar to Just Cause. Certainly that game's map is ridiculous in its scope and size, but GTA V is no slouch, they did a good job creating a similarly vast expansive an just generally huge map that makes you feel like you're in a different world and not a videogame at all.

So get this shit.

How to not lose the CBP job

I don't want to go down and join the cbp and then oh after working there for a few months things get stupid and I have to quit or bail on it.

I will stick to my ticket no matter what happens. I swear to GOD.

This is it. Life is about that moment where you have to decide whether you're going to be successful or you're going to fucking accept failure. It's kinda the same thing a soldier goes through before he decides to pull the trigger or not. Am I going to go for blood and survive in this world or just fucking go nowhere...

I know who I am. As much as others want to tell me who I am. I grew up watching Rocky, Superman, Star Wars. All these things are about men who act on the side of GOOD or of GOD.

So whenever people try to make me feel bad about myself. I just know that it's not true. I was aaaaaaaaallways the kid who tried to be good instead of a shithead. So to get to adulthood and just be labeled as this black guy who's just shit in this world, is so weird to me. But that's the name of the game. In fact I don't think ANY black people are highly regarded in this world these days. So it's more because of that whole race issue than whatever my true personality is...

But you do for God and God will do for you... So that's what I'm hoping works things out for me. Is that I just still believe in the shit I was brought up on and it'll actually pan out, that when you actually be a good person, things will turn out good. Cuz like just a week ago my bike was stolen and all the parts for my e-bike were stolen. I think and I hope that the people who stole them are going to grow old and be poor and have nothing when they leave this world. VS me, who'll have plenty of money and a nice house, pool, boat, whatever I want.... Maybe indeed I will have a daughter and she'll be a sweet good looking girl or whatever... Because I tried my best to be a good person.

I don't know, but we'll see how the future unfolds. I just would hope that I get into the CBP and whoever's hunting me down gives me some time to get into the flow of the job and doesn't immediately start making things complicated. 

bob hopskins is dead

well fuck. My whole childhood is just falling into pieces before my eyes. Harold Ramis dead. Super Mario Dead.

What kind of crap is going on here...

bought a cowboy hat

why? Because I think it'll make me look more dashing I suppose.

I am part white. Which means that I look like there's a white guy trapped inside of me.

I look very much like that James Garner actor. We're brothers from another mother I suppose. He's a legend. I like watching his movies nowadays as I become an old man. He's like a REAL MAN. And if I gotta get old, I'd like to be like him.

You might think that's no good. A black person looking up to and wanting to be like a white person. But I feel like it's right. I've always felt comfortable around white people and white culture and watching white people on tv I suppose because I'm actually white too... So it never registered in my mind that I was separate from them.

But I am. There's no getting around it. I can NEVER hang out with white people and feel fully like I'm on their level at all.

Granted, White people have ruined their reputation to no end these days. Mind you, they'll still hold on to their superiority stuff in the end but goddamn, never thought I'd see the day when white people were shitting all over themselves in the public eye like this...

It pisses me off personally. I kinda like thinking white people are above everybody. To see them tripping out and fucking up their rep like that is just weird to me...

I hope it doesn't mean this world's going to the dogs. If white people want to continue to fight the good fight and make the world awesome and cool, by all means... Don't just accept all the shit we're stuck in these days. Kick ass and save the world.

Anyway I'm just bored today. Rambling on and on about nothing at all. I'm going to either get into the CBP or just get a job at subway making sandwhiches.

If I get into the CBP, GODDAMN. Yanno, as a kid, I always felt like I was a soldier and like my father and would one day be like him and be in the military and working on aircraft or even flying planes. Now I can kiss that dream goodbye and I don't give much of a shit really, that's fine. I just hope that the people in charge of the CBP give me a good spot in there and understand who I am, I'm not just some fucker looking to make waves. I'll do my job and be cool and make shit tons of cash and won't make a mess of it, I swear to God. That's all I want. I'm not interested in getting on anybody's ass in this world. I always as a kid hoped my life would be rather smooth and uneventful. But I was WRONG in every way possible. From the day I was born to this very moment, I've had drama and stress on me constantly. It's just something you can't fix no matter how hard you try. Some people say that's life. Nobody has it easy. It's just going to be a rough ride till the day you grow old and drop fucking dead.

I can see that... Mind you, people generally enjoy fucking each other nonstop... which is wonderful. i love watching a girl take dick in every hole she has till she can't fucking think straight. That's fun.

But yeah mind you, this world is the wild west. 

You can be sitting down eating a sandwhich. A car will come flying into you and splatter you all over the pavement.

You can go watch fucking batman with your kids and someone will come in and blow you off the planet.

We're a nation at war at this very moment. There is someone shooting another person in the face with a fucking M-3 rifle right now...

It's not a nice world we live in. 

I've never had the opinion that I personally would never see the war zone. In fact, I've been preparing myself for that moment all my life.

Every day I think about how to react to very hard situations. I guess it's just warrior instinct. We all have the ability to get beast mode when the situation calls for it. It's called killer instinct and in fact that's what the military activates in soldiers before deploying them. Can't send a nigga into combat without turning on his killer instinct. just can't...Not trying to sound like an expert on combat. I honestly know dick about it. So don't get all fussy about me trying to explain military stuff. I don't know shit about what they do in there before they go drop 50 sand-niggers. And I don't want to know...

But I am enlisted in their ranks. They're keeping an eye on me. Hell, honestly I think they keep an eye on EVERYBODY who has ever enlisted or anything. Because the whole damn thing is dependent on that everybody is doing whatever they're expected to do by the book. (which I personlly don't like.) There's never going to be a situation EVER where doing things by the book will always work 100%. I know I've met people who swear by the book and say that's all there is. Then there's fucking REALITY. Yunno. When shit hits the fan and the book don't have a solution, you gotta go with the flow. That's how I personally roll...

And I'm not pulling that out of my ass. If a pilot is reading this shit right now. Because I went with my Gut one day, I saved your flight.

It's like with women. I gotta say, the one thing that I've discovered about life that has truly been a deep shock, is the complexity of females and just general idiocy of women.

They will have a fucking lengthy debate with you till you're blue in the face, and it'll be for no good reason and have no purpose, but that's how girls typically are. They want to fucking talk talk and talk and talk till we're just gonna drop dead.

They think in their little head that that makes sense. That a man wants to sit there all day and have a debate on some political issue.

Sorry but I'm just here taking a gander at your massive titties, that's what I'm doing... I WANT TO FUCKING RIP YOUR GODDAMN SHIRT OFF BITCH AND SUCK ON YOUR FUCKING NIPPLES TILL THE MILK SQUIRTS OUT BITCH.