The aftermath of defeat

It's a cold feeling, something akin to being hopeless. Today, they did some shit in tsa training i didn't see coming and so I fumbled through it without much idea what i was doing and of course I felt nervous and totally botched it. It's hard fucking up in front of people. You want to get it right.

I tell myself, that's the way it is, you're going to make mistakes, but I don't particularly like it... not at all...

I kind of just brace for the impact of failure rather than laugh at it and move on. I guess I'm taking it too seriously, but that's who I am, I don't like to fail at anything.

Here's the rub though, you have to be able to fail and still persist. I mean, at times playing a videogame i've fucked up again and again and again and then when I'm contemplating quitting and just chucking the game out the window, I say what's one more round, and because i know the ins and outs of the level, I finally beat the fucker. It hurt to get to that point but it was ultimately more satisfying to realize that I had the tenacity to keep trying.

and this is no different. I'll be damned if I lose this job. I worked so hard to get it. I'm going to keep at it no matter how much i suck at it initially.