The suck of the day

It's becoming a natural occurrence in my life, just something going stupid.... So I play battlefront typically, thats what I do all day, play star wars, edit the static shock movie... browse for porn. I know, sad, but I don't care... Never had a goal in life much for scrap anyway.

Was debating with myself whether to even discuss this, who cares....

but it's important to kinda generate some thought on it...

About life, death, whether the things we do in it matter. I marvel at the great arts in this world, the craftsmanship, there's just a lot of great stuff that I don't understand the inner workings of that people have made. Videogames and computer coding being one personally intriguing subject. Amazing game battlefront. spared no expense on graphics, game design and balance however, eh...

But today sucked the life out of me. Just like I felt my soul die a smidge from it. It kinda broke my spirit to even do anything even jack off or something...

So I'm in a match and I whip out my canon, I'm playing heavy class to get it to kinda level up more, whatever... Then this dude jumps out from the corner. It was like wtf... then I shot at the target to at least get some points before this dude kills me, turns out the universe aligned in that one second and just as I squeezed the trigger he goes pop and disintegrates....

I immediately jump to the 0 button and smash it to save the replay buffer and capture the moment for all time, such a moment that will never ever happen again and i know it. Been gaming for years, I know when random lucky stuff happens and glitches or whatever that are unrepeatable....

guess what happened. I was not recording...

It stung and I'm not some freaking robot, the sudden loss of it killed me. My soul was crushed fuck.... I just fell apart having dealt with this so many times. I've done epic shit in games and not known if I was recording only to find out it was not caught.... but this was the truly one time I will never repeat it.

Trust me. I've been playing for the last few hours like a mad man hoping it happens again, who am I kidding, it will not.

I mean to a regular person with money, a wife, kids, the works, this stupid shit doesn't matter. But then I was upstairs making something to eat and thought, then what does? We have to cling to something we LOVE in life, something we're have a PASSION for. It's the only damn thing we got left in this crap rock of a planet.

That's it. Yeah I do pain for the loss of the clip. And yunno, yeah I'm human, it hurt and I still hurt as I type this. I'll move on, not the end of the f'n world. But that's just it. It was the end of MY world... my passion for my gaming habit, my belief in my self as someone who's special maybe I don't know... kinda sucks and blows to be proven all that shit I do in a game is just a meaningless memory I have.... I mean I remember so many of these moments that come and do indeed go because my memory just dropped it and I can't get it back, my OCD tendencies go nuts for a while then I move on but yeah it sucks away at your core being because I think that pain is a reminder to us that that's what we live for, feeling that sense of completeness and confidence in what you believe in and are passionate about. Without that might as well be dead.

I was thinking, erase it. Just delete battlefront, not going to be played years from now anyway and become a ghost game.

Heh, but that's why we play it now us nerdy idiots.... if we didn't love the battle, the star wars, we wouldn't be in  it thrashing it out level after level of insanity. It's our passion for the moment that makes us feel alive... and that same passion that makes it suck to lose the sweet kills when they happen. My rambling point being that some day the game will be a dead brick no one plays, but even knowing that, we want to create epic moments and experience it in its peak period when it is getting heated tough battles going between full teams of players etc.... If it was just any old shooter, not many would play but the love of star wars makes it worth the crap from EA... we need that passion in our lives.

Need it, yes, need it, for what the hell else is there in life if you don't have something you love at all. And yunno....

I don't know why I bother anymore. I mean I know that no one cares about me. No one cares about my dumbass movie. No one cares about me whining about losing a f'n sweet kill clip. I KNOW THAT...

but it's all I f'n got, isn't that awful? It's my stinking passion and that's why it hurts to fail at it..... but yunno that's the point I guess. Life ain't lived without hard times and such....ugh... I don't know. I just wish things went different here..... sad thing to have to live with and struggle to move on from...