Wednesday, October 28, 2009
Tuesday, October 27, 2009
Who am I?
I'm supposed to be in the military... But I'm scared. If I do anything stupid and fuck up it's yeah, it's we're all dead. I'm glad I didn't make it. I don't know. i'd have preferred just to do any old job at the base like scrub toilets. I don't give a crap about shooting people and all that. I have to be careful what I say though because I saw a lot of lackland. If I were to blab about training, there'd be hell to pay. I never realized the seriousness of life until now. Jesus Christ help us all.
Ugh, well gonna watch some porn now.
Ugh, well gonna watch some porn now.
Sunday, October 25, 2009
Do no harm
Hippocratic oath associated with the medical profession. I understand its meaning now. As men we have unbelievable power... We're extremely dangerous. Seriously. Not only can we just blow up the planet if we so choose, but all sorts of other little things like destroy each other etc. Wow, never really thought about it...
The Governemnt's truly afraid of its own shadow, IT HAS TO BE. Because life or death is in their hands. That's why they won't let someone who isn't a parent near powerful life or death positions within really any place of power because it doesn't matter how smart you are, you can't know what it means to care about kids until you've had one. I love kids because my childhood was shitty, but I'm still too immature to deal with their bullshit at this point in my life. Kids are insane. They need to be controlled and as parents, yeah you're responsible for whether we have a future as a species or not. That's why we keep religion around. It's our moral backbone. The definitive last word on how we should deal with each other. love thy neighbor, turn the other cheek, No it's not logical, neither is our existence, but we live, we die, we go around and around in the circle of life.
"You're either too smart for your own good or you really are stupid," someone told me. By this he meant that I was self aware. I knew I COULD become super smart, but what would I do with all those brains? I was afraid I'd hurt people. In life we can't all know everything or do everything. We have to make comprimises. BMT taught me that really we as men are the same shit with different skills. He's a pilot, he's a doctor, he's a filmmaker, he's a athlete, he's a soldier, he's a musician, he's a painter.... but we're all the same basic protoform that later in life morphs into its one final career choice. I'm a soldier, bred and born for it. I can withstand extreme levels of pain. I'm an mesomorphic body type capable of building incredible muscles. And I'm of above average intelligence. I was born for the military and i know this.
I don't know... I'm not afraid to hurt people who want to hurt me. It's hurting people just for the fun of it that's wrong. Some people do that, I think. Those people are bad. That's why we have leaders who stand and make the hard decisions about who deserves what in this society because if people had their way they'd get away with any little thing they could against each other. Without rules, we'd have a big mess. And it's what people are afraid of, someone who's smart enough to see the patterns and change them, or do something different, that could start a war or something like that.
Ugh, I'm so horny.
The Governemnt's truly afraid of its own shadow, IT HAS TO BE. Because life or death is in their hands. That's why they won't let someone who isn't a parent near powerful life or death positions within really any place of power because it doesn't matter how smart you are, you can't know what it means to care about kids until you've had one. I love kids because my childhood was shitty, but I'm still too immature to deal with their bullshit at this point in my life. Kids are insane. They need to be controlled and as parents, yeah you're responsible for whether we have a future as a species or not. That's why we keep religion around. It's our moral backbone. The definitive last word on how we should deal with each other. love thy neighbor, turn the other cheek, No it's not logical, neither is our existence, but we live, we die, we go around and around in the circle of life.
"You're either too smart for your own good or you really are stupid," someone told me. By this he meant that I was self aware. I knew I COULD become super smart, but what would I do with all those brains? I was afraid I'd hurt people. In life we can't all know everything or do everything. We have to make comprimises. BMT taught me that really we as men are the same shit with different skills. He's a pilot, he's a doctor, he's a filmmaker, he's a athlete, he's a soldier, he's a musician, he's a painter.... but we're all the same basic protoform that later in life morphs into its one final career choice. I'm a soldier, bred and born for it. I can withstand extreme levels of pain. I'm an mesomorphic body type capable of building incredible muscles. And I'm of above average intelligence. I was born for the military and i know this.
I don't know... I'm not afraid to hurt people who want to hurt me. It's hurting people just for the fun of it that's wrong. Some people do that, I think. Those people are bad. That's why we have leaders who stand and make the hard decisions about who deserves what in this society because if people had their way they'd get away with any little thing they could against each other. Without rules, we'd have a big mess. And it's what people are afraid of, someone who's smart enough to see the patterns and change them, or do something different, that could start a war or something like that.
Ugh, I'm so horny.
Saturday, October 24, 2009
Knowsbleed
No doubt an officer in the Airforce. No doubt a father. No doubt a very serious individual...
He hates the shit out of me. It was him. He told everyone in the airforce about my antics at superherohype. He knew all along I'd be a bad fit for the service, since I wasn't a ruthless stop at nothing type of person. He doesn't know me very well then. But that doesn't matter. The chain of command is unbreakable for the most part. He's an elite. I'm a spootie nuthin.
Sink or swim in life really. College weed out courses keep people who aren't ballsy enough out of the upper echelon and such. It's why we have rigerous schools that push young minds to their limits. And nothing half assed is allowed because simply if a hair is out of place, people DIE.
...
Good. I deserved what I got. Man up and admit it ya know. I'm an oldschooler. Raised by a former airman. I'm built of the same stuff. If he could do it, I can. What pisses me off is that I actually breezed through the airforce training, yet didn't decide to stay. I breezed through college but didn't decide to stay. An airwoman asked me "what's holding you back" Bitch I'll tell you what's holding me back! I'm 23 and the best i've ever had is a boob touch! I've gone through 4 years of high school with no pussy. 2 YEARS OF COLLEGE WITH NO PUSSY 2 years of message board shinanigans with no pussy! I'm getting older and older and I'm just dying for SOMETHING! I'm still attracted to high school girls you stupid bitch! I HATE YOU WHITE MOTHERFUCKERS FOR BUILDING A SOCIETY THAT IS STUPID AS FUCK! No, I'm not racist it's just that the system is flawed! Yes people expect us to just trip over a rock and fall into each other's arms and shit, but NOPES, DOESN'T HAPPENS LIKE THAT. YOU CAN'T force love. It just happens.
Fucking Alicia Ayers! On myspace talking about her various sexual escapades! My one love is all crazy now. And what can I do about it. I WANT TO TEAR EVERY GUY WHO HAS FUCKED HER INTO A MILLION PIECES!
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
He hates the shit out of me. It was him. He told everyone in the airforce about my antics at superherohype. He knew all along I'd be a bad fit for the service, since I wasn't a ruthless stop at nothing type of person. He doesn't know me very well then. But that doesn't matter. The chain of command is unbreakable for the most part. He's an elite. I'm a spootie nuthin.
Sink or swim in life really. College weed out courses keep people who aren't ballsy enough out of the upper echelon and such. It's why we have rigerous schools that push young minds to their limits. And nothing half assed is allowed because simply if a hair is out of place, people DIE.
...
Good. I deserved what I got. Man up and admit it ya know. I'm an oldschooler. Raised by a former airman. I'm built of the same stuff. If he could do it, I can. What pisses me off is that I actually breezed through the airforce training, yet didn't decide to stay. I breezed through college but didn't decide to stay. An airwoman asked me "what's holding you back" Bitch I'll tell you what's holding me back! I'm 23 and the best i've ever had is a boob touch! I've gone through 4 years of high school with no pussy. 2 YEARS OF COLLEGE WITH NO PUSSY 2 years of message board shinanigans with no pussy! I'm getting older and older and I'm just dying for SOMETHING! I'm still attracted to high school girls you stupid bitch! I HATE YOU WHITE MOTHERFUCKERS FOR BUILDING A SOCIETY THAT IS STUPID AS FUCK! No, I'm not racist it's just that the system is flawed! Yes people expect us to just trip over a rock and fall into each other's arms and shit, but NOPES, DOESN'T HAPPENS LIKE THAT. YOU CAN'T force love. It just happens.
Fucking Alicia Ayers! On myspace talking about her various sexual escapades! My one love is all crazy now. And what can I do about it. I WANT TO TEAR EVERY GUY WHO HAS FUCKED HER INTO A MILLION PIECES!
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
Thursday, October 22, 2009
Fatherhood
Something I never thought about much until now. I touched a girl's breasts for the first time in my life back when I was at a dep meeting for the airforce. It felt great, needless to say. I still remember her soft breasts and her little belly area against my arm. Something inside me just went crazy over that. Yeah way back in high school I wanted to have some sex with all the gorgeous girls around me but I was told not to do it, so I tried my best not to rape any of them. I lost my mind a little as a result. I'm an extremist to some degree, quite dangerous to the workforce in a sense since they'd like someone to be stable normal worker, not a nutty weirdo like me. But I like that part of me, makes me feel special, unique. Still if I become a regular ol' father, then society will pressure me to conform since there's no getting around the fact that children are our number one priority in life. That touch meant more than just OH MY GOD SHE'S GOT NICE TITS. It meant a new life could be created! From just us two people.
But God it's so frustrating, thinking about it and all that shite... women today suck ass. Theyre not women, they're men in women's bodies. I hate that. I'm a man. Always have been. Never even heard of all this femism bull until college, and all I've ever had planned since 8th grade is to become an awesome husband and love my dream girl. God damn you society! you suck! I hate how my life has turned out and it's all your fault. A man let's nothing stand between him and his goals, I know this. But I fear my power. I fear so much of what I can do if I get angry enough... It's like how superman has to hold back all the time incase he punches a person's head off by accident.
Balance is the answer! But how, how do i achieve balance!
But God it's so frustrating, thinking about it and all that shite... women today suck ass. Theyre not women, they're men in women's bodies. I hate that. I'm a man. Always have been. Never even heard of all this femism bull until college, and all I've ever had planned since 8th grade is to become an awesome husband and love my dream girl. God damn you society! you suck! I hate how my life has turned out and it's all your fault. A man let's nothing stand between him and his goals, I know this. But I fear my power. I fear so much of what I can do if I get angry enough... It's like how superman has to hold back all the time incase he punches a person's head off by accident.
Balance is the answer! But how, how do i achieve balance!
Tuesday, October 20, 2009
Sigh
"Adults are just children with wallets"
A quote from a cnn comment section...
I realized something back around some time in 2007, worst year of my life (long story)... the reason people are so serious about politics is because the guys in charge of our society, and in fact the person who has his trigger on the atomic bomb right now, is just like you or me. He too is flawed. No way in hell are we going to make it as a species I think... Especially with so many terrible parents out there who totally fuck up their kids. And by that I mean telling them how to live their lives... So when they do what they're told and what they're told is wrong, then oops that's the end for that guy. What's more is from working in the past few years, it's become clear to me how many older people are losing their minds as they look forward to nothing but the end of their days.
We all die. If that truth doesn't make you grow up and grow up fast, nothing will. Truth... what is truth... something so many fight over as it affects their lives as people go around believing whatever truth seems to be right in their little world. Well that truth is undeniable, that we must die, and so we fight that one undeniable fact with our one weapon against it, procreation...
Yet even that we screw up for ourselves with all the disagreement over what's right or wrong about sex, gender roles, this and that.
Just as death is inevitable, so too is that fact that Men have to prettymuch rule the world since women can't do it. Oh no he said it. Yes. I'm so done thinking I have to hold myself back and be a nice guy and all that bullshit. I'm actually tooooo smart and I know it. Yet my fear of using my power for the wrong reasons keeps me from doing what must be done, becoming a father, taking the hits of not only parenting but leadership as we all know it's HELL to deal with children, but it must be done. Some things in life are unavoidable. Sigh. I just hate how everyone in this world thinks college is everything. It's a power game. Because most of the people who run the world went to college, they want everyone else to go too. Stupid. The world's changed drastically, perhaps too fast for the older generation to keep up. They don't know what we can do now and what the next gen will do once they get wiff of the power of the internet. The internet will become tomorrow's classroom as well as its television, book, videogame, all that shit. We don't need reality anymore. Except sex, that we still need.
I envision a future where people exchange knowledge and wisdom and stuff online. The only problem with that is that the world's problems will crop up too and people's personal bullshit beliefs will make them go to war with each other over all sorts of stupid shit. We love war even though we hate death. So funny hugh... Well, man I'm so tired of this stupid feminized society. What do women want? Work? Work sucks ass. I'll work because I have to survive. But other than that, no I'd prefer to sit at home cooking cleaning and fucking my spouse. What were they thinking... oh well. At least I have my porn collection.
A quote from a cnn comment section...
I realized something back around some time in 2007, worst year of my life (long story)... the reason people are so serious about politics is because the guys in charge of our society, and in fact the person who has his trigger on the atomic bomb right now, is just like you or me. He too is flawed. No way in hell are we going to make it as a species I think... Especially with so many terrible parents out there who totally fuck up their kids. And by that I mean telling them how to live their lives... So when they do what they're told and what they're told is wrong, then oops that's the end for that guy. What's more is from working in the past few years, it's become clear to me how many older people are losing their minds as they look forward to nothing but the end of their days.
We all die. If that truth doesn't make you grow up and grow up fast, nothing will. Truth... what is truth... something so many fight over as it affects their lives as people go around believing whatever truth seems to be right in their little world. Well that truth is undeniable, that we must die, and so we fight that one undeniable fact with our one weapon against it, procreation...
Yet even that we screw up for ourselves with all the disagreement over what's right or wrong about sex, gender roles, this and that.
Just as death is inevitable, so too is that fact that Men have to prettymuch rule the world since women can't do it. Oh no he said it. Yes. I'm so done thinking I have to hold myself back and be a nice guy and all that bullshit. I'm actually tooooo smart and I know it. Yet my fear of using my power for the wrong reasons keeps me from doing what must be done, becoming a father, taking the hits of not only parenting but leadership as we all know it's HELL to deal with children, but it must be done. Some things in life are unavoidable. Sigh. I just hate how everyone in this world thinks college is everything. It's a power game. Because most of the people who run the world went to college, they want everyone else to go too. Stupid. The world's changed drastically, perhaps too fast for the older generation to keep up. They don't know what we can do now and what the next gen will do once they get wiff of the power of the internet. The internet will become tomorrow's classroom as well as its television, book, videogame, all that shit. We don't need reality anymore. Except sex, that we still need.
I envision a future where people exchange knowledge and wisdom and stuff online. The only problem with that is that the world's problems will crop up too and people's personal bullshit beliefs will make them go to war with each other over all sorts of stupid shit. We love war even though we hate death. So funny hugh... Well, man I'm so tired of this stupid feminized society. What do women want? Work? Work sucks ass. I'll work because I have to survive. But other than that, no I'd prefer to sit at home cooking cleaning and fucking my spouse. What were they thinking... oh well. At least I have my porn collection.
Friday, October 16, 2009
To be a man
I got a lot on my mind. I was at bmt for like 3 months. A lot of things happened. It was definitely a new experienced mixed with frustration, sexual frustration, and some interesting looks into military life style. These people are a little crazy, but they aren't doing it for their sanity. Military personnel do it for their kids. That's why they can't stand gay people though some kids are gay too so what can you do about that? This world's a funny place. Anyway, I'm thinking a lot about life now that i've seen the world more than I have in the last few years and it's hard to make sense of it man...
I'm 23, the worst age to be male. People think of me as both child and adult at the same time. And who are these people? Why do they get to decide when a man's a man. The thing that I think is terrifying reality most people accept is that they'll be left alone in this world after their parents are gone and all they'll have left is some dead end job.
So they go around trying to bring others down into their hell so they can suffer too. Whether it be by trying to put you in serious debt or whatever. It's really a dog eat dog world out there. If you're thinking people won't step on you and walk away smiling, you're wrong. Stupid world...
Uh anyway I'm so confused. The thing to do in life is lay low, blend in, don't try to change the world or anything, but damnit if it doesn't need SOMEBODY to stand up and point out how retarded it is.
We have people out there who are trying to change things to fit their world view and others trying to change it to theirs and they're screwing up everything for everybody. Like my point of this post, what is it to be a man these days? Everyone and their mother wants me to MAN UP now, grow up, be a man. my question... WHAT'S A MAN?
Being crushed by bills?
Having stupid kids to deal with?
Being religious?
Working some dead end job?
I understand high school's waaaaaaaaaay behind me. I can't go back to 16 year old gorgeous little girls now. I'm fine with that, came to terms with it and all. The problem now is that despite me being older, people still treat me like I'm a punk high school kid. Granted I look like one because I have youthful features, but it's pissing me off that I'm EXPECTED to be attracted to older girls because I'm now 23. UH no... god this age sucks balls. Yeah I still like young tight bodies. that's not wrong is it? fuck you society if you think it is. Yeah that's it. Women are jealous of younger women and want guys like me to be into them even though they messed things up for themselves with this feminism bullshit. So tired of it. Now the older generation wants to stick me in college so I can be kept busy until I can take someone elses place at some corporation and start a family of my own. Aint that a damn joke. I'll never be a father. ever! EVER!
I'm 23, the worst age to be male. People think of me as both child and adult at the same time. And who are these people? Why do they get to decide when a man's a man. The thing that I think is terrifying reality most people accept is that they'll be left alone in this world after their parents are gone and all they'll have left is some dead end job.
So they go around trying to bring others down into their hell so they can suffer too. Whether it be by trying to put you in serious debt or whatever. It's really a dog eat dog world out there. If you're thinking people won't step on you and walk away smiling, you're wrong. Stupid world...
Uh anyway I'm so confused. The thing to do in life is lay low, blend in, don't try to change the world or anything, but damnit if it doesn't need SOMEBODY to stand up and point out how retarded it is.
We have people out there who are trying to change things to fit their world view and others trying to change it to theirs and they're screwing up everything for everybody. Like my point of this post, what is it to be a man these days? Everyone and their mother wants me to MAN UP now, grow up, be a man. my question... WHAT'S A MAN?
Being crushed by bills?
Having stupid kids to deal with?
Being religious?
Working some dead end job?
I understand high school's waaaaaaaaaay behind me. I can't go back to 16 year old gorgeous little girls now. I'm fine with that, came to terms with it and all. The problem now is that despite me being older, people still treat me like I'm a punk high school kid. Granted I look like one because I have youthful features, but it's pissing me off that I'm EXPECTED to be attracted to older girls because I'm now 23. UH no... god this age sucks balls. Yeah I still like young tight bodies. that's not wrong is it? fuck you society if you think it is. Yeah that's it. Women are jealous of younger women and want guys like me to be into them even though they messed things up for themselves with this feminism bullshit. So tired of it. Now the older generation wants to stick me in college so I can be kept busy until I can take someone elses place at some corporation and start a family of my own. Aint that a damn joke. I'll never be a father. ever! EVER!
Monday, October 12, 2009
No place like home
Porn PARTAAAAAAAAAAY!!!!
How best to describe BMT. GAYEST TIME OF MY LIFE. Showering with a bunch of guys for weeks. Think about it. I've never wanted to fuck a girl more than I do now. Looking back i can't believe I wasted years talking about superman's bullshit movie instead of chasing skirts like a real man does. And on top of that women WANT to be chased after and ultimately screwed in their vagina parts. No one told me this.
My mind is all frigged up from bmt.
I plan to go into another branch of service some time in the future because I can, but forget about it if you're still a virgin. You'll stick out like hard dick amongst limp ones. I was wrong about trying to manage bmt while still being so immature and shit.
Like Luke in star wars jumped in without taking time to think about the consequences. I actually watched empire strikes back today just to go through my childhood favs and as a 23 year old around luke's age in the movie now the film reallly works on a different level. I see real life lessons in its I guess subtext. The stuff in ESB really is ahead of its time I feel. It's a MAN'S movie for one thing. There's a hard labor and meticulousness to the way the film is crafted and as I watch from the perspective of someone who knows what I'm seeing is fake bullshit, I'm more interested in not how well the movie's made though it's made nerly perfectly, but what's being said by the overall story, which strikingly IS of biblical proportions... something lucas fucked up in the new movies. ESB has something I love about cinema A HEART. When luke's hand is cut off I knew it was fake but every moment leading up to it was so powerful I was just as captivated now as I was when i was a stupid fucker of a kid. I instantaneously got pulled back to my childhood when I seriously believed all this fake movie bullshit I was seeing was real, and if a movie can do that after all these years, there's definitely something special about it. It inspires me to this day to keep going back out and fighting evil.
Oh and what's also interesting is that the whole movie is about tempting luke to join the dark side. All that bullshit from revenge of the sith was done better and cleaner in the fucking 80s with more subtlety than omg padme's about to die I guess, gots to get more powas from the guy who's been trying to kill her for 3 movies. Movies today have gone to cgi shit. Years from now people will look back on the original 3 star wars as complex shakespearian type shit when in truth they were light kiddie crap compared to the more mature stuff of its time. We're just becoming a more cheap and weak generation that wants everything done fast and easy. Shit.
Well I'm glad we still have the film to look back on. I hope those who want to make more like it get a chance in the future since so many of the dumb masses just don't know what true art is.
How best to describe BMT. GAYEST TIME OF MY LIFE. Showering with a bunch of guys for weeks. Think about it. I've never wanted to fuck a girl more than I do now. Looking back i can't believe I wasted years talking about superman's bullshit movie instead of chasing skirts like a real man does. And on top of that women WANT to be chased after and ultimately screwed in their vagina parts. No one told me this.
My mind is all frigged up from bmt.
I plan to go into another branch of service some time in the future because I can, but forget about it if you're still a virgin. You'll stick out like hard dick amongst limp ones. I was wrong about trying to manage bmt while still being so immature and shit.
Like Luke in star wars jumped in without taking time to think about the consequences. I actually watched empire strikes back today just to go through my childhood favs and as a 23 year old around luke's age in the movie now the film reallly works on a different level. I see real life lessons in its I guess subtext. The stuff in ESB really is ahead of its time I feel. It's a MAN'S movie for one thing. There's a hard labor and meticulousness to the way the film is crafted and as I watch from the perspective of someone who knows what I'm seeing is fake bullshit, I'm more interested in not how well the movie's made though it's made nerly perfectly, but what's being said by the overall story, which strikingly IS of biblical proportions... something lucas fucked up in the new movies. ESB has something I love about cinema A HEART. When luke's hand is cut off I knew it was fake but every moment leading up to it was so powerful I was just as captivated now as I was when i was a stupid fucker of a kid. I instantaneously got pulled back to my childhood when I seriously believed all this fake movie bullshit I was seeing was real, and if a movie can do that after all these years, there's definitely something special about it. It inspires me to this day to keep going back out and fighting evil.
Oh and what's also interesting is that the whole movie is about tempting luke to join the dark side. All that bullshit from revenge of the sith was done better and cleaner in the fucking 80s with more subtlety than omg padme's about to die I guess, gots to get more powas from the guy who's been trying to kill her for 3 movies. Movies today have gone to cgi shit. Years from now people will look back on the original 3 star wars as complex shakespearian type shit when in truth they were light kiddie crap compared to the more mature stuff of its time. We're just becoming a more cheap and weak generation that wants everything done fast and easy. Shit.
Well I'm glad we still have the film to look back on. I hope those who want to make more like it get a chance in the future since so many of the dumb masses just don't know what true art is.
Tuesday, October 6, 2009
Ultimate Fail
It's over. Just like that, I'm not in the military anymore. ELS is what it's called, entry level separation. For what? I can't figure it out. ANYONE would have made the same mistakes during BMT I guarantee it... On top of that the PT was pretty easy for me since I'm pretty fit. Well at least I learned a lot, but it's still a huge disappointment to me that stings deeply. Although going to battle in afghanistan would have been a big problem had I graduated and everything... That's probably why they kicked me out. I wouldn't have been willing to kill people which is the main point of the military. If you're not willing to do that and do it when ordered, get out. Simple.
I'll buy a car now and get going at another job then... What a waste of 11 weeks of my life... I'll write more on the experience when I get back to new york.
I'll buy a car now and get going at another job then... What a waste of 11 weeks of my life... I'll write more on the experience when I get back to new york.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
