addendum

I suppose it's appropriate to make absolutely clear my reasons why I feel betrayed and unsettled by what has transpired today. I had no reason to believe our once amicable interactions would suddenly turn so sour. It hurts worse because it was such an unexpected turn.

I will survive this, no doubt, but such a blatant unfiltered and totally clean cut disaffection was shocking and will take time to heal.

It's definitely true that you should never start a relationship with someone you have no choice but to see at work from time to time.

Maybe it's my fault I think... I've been swapping out frequently with other coworkers to my own admission so that I can see her every day. I declare now that my intentions have changed. She will no longer be a reason to go to work. My plan has always been to get closer and closer to my dream of flying planes. period.

I don't know what to do next, that's the thing... we'll meet again, possibly even work together.... the question is, will we speak with one another with friendly or hostile tones... I have no interest any more of pursuing her as a friend.... not that I thought I'd even get that far, but we were going in that direction, then suddenly, screeching halt as she's decided to kick me to the curb. why... what did I do that turned her off???

the thing is that I try to befriend all of my coworkers, some respond well, others respond negatively and we don't go down that road... it's not because she's hot or anything, that's just who I am, outgoing and friendly and clownish... she's attempting anyway to be a tough no-nonsense leader and I guess take the job super seriously. So our personalities clash there although she knows I'm really fucking smart so I'm not just going to mess around... so complicated, this girl. I see her allowing the other guys to shit all over her and comment on her big tits and she herself watches rap videos and lowest common denominator shit on the internet, but then she also reads books and wears dorky glasses to convey her true self which is a nerdy girl who's determined to work the job intelligently rather than brutishly.

why the sudden blocking of me, why after she responded so well to my showcase of intellect and humor... it's maddening. She didn't have to brush me off today, if she didn't like what I said, just tactfully giggle and move on, don't make it bluntly clear that you don't want to deal with me today... so then as the day goes on, I decide to try again, maybe she was just thinking about something else and didn't have time to respond fully to my joke, but no... make no mistake, once I again comment on her glasses, she indicates that she wants me out of her space... I then because I respect her, ignore her for the rest of the evening... which hurt because we were developing good pleasant vibe between us... not personal just normal everyday friendliness between two like-minded individuals. so I'm in a state of shock right now at how fucked over everything is.

I will drop everything and just go to work and do it and go home just like in the old days before I knew she existed... what a fucking joke though.

so gay

that girl at work must have had a bad day or something because just as I think the door is open to start being playful with her, she basically signals me to fuck off and never talk to her... wow.

you got it... I've never been disillusioned enough to believe I had a chance at your ass. Just sucks ya know, I intended to be a semi-friend... not this hardcore-fuck-you guy that's common on blue collar jobs. fine...

fine...

I think I know what went wrong. She slipped on her attitude of usually not opening herself up to her coworkers. She's the hottest girl at delta so EVERY guy wants to fuck her. So she usually doesn't let people get near her and in fact she has some huge dudes who protect her on the job... but because I'm intelligent and funny and make her laugh, she THOUGHT it'd be cool to start chatting with me. I was completely caught off guard by it and fumbled through the conversation, hoping to survive... which I thought I did, but apparently I did not. My buddy at work says to not let it bother me, she doesn't give a damn about a lot of guys she works with and I'm no different... ah, but I am... that's the rub.

We have an odd crazy relationship as coworkers. She at first hated me, then grew to admire and respect my work ethic, and later learning I'm former military, it became clear that I'm not someone to be easily forgotten. And I'm not, I'm a pretty big personality at delta. Lots of people know me and stuff. So she can't no matter how hard she wants to try just forget I exist... seems like she wants to though. Why is the question... I guess it's because I got to her, broke her shield down, possibly made her think I'd be boyfriend material for a second... then she realized she was fucking up her whole plan to ignore guys like me and put the force field back on.

I sit here wondering whether to continue trying to have a decent convivial interaction with her or do what she does and basically work together but don't get personal.

sucks because I was really starting to like her for more than her great ass... she's a good person. such a shame I'll have to make a leap now into abandoning my previous intention to befriend her... so gay.

Garcia

Strange... Today was interesting... I work with this girl who's a real quirky chick but she's stunning, booooooooooobs, and great face, and highly intelligent... she could be a model or a great porn star, but by her own words prefers working this job. Like I said before, many think she's lesbo, but I know she's not.

So I'm at the bus stop wearing my ghostbusters shirt because I do that. And she walks over and comments on how maybe there's something strange in my neighborhood. I'm of course struggling to maintain composure, I AM NOT COMFORTABLE TALKING TO THIS GIRL, or any girl, and I'm just drawing blanks in my mind as to what to say. I don't want to say what I really want to say "let me suck yo tittays bitch" but yeah... I kept my cool and tried to act all uninterested in ramming her ass. shit was awkward...

then something funny happend. I'm a joker, ya know, I play around, so I claim to have quit the job, and she reacts emotionally saddened to hear it, and questions me on whether I'm serious or not. I melted inside...

Yesterday... like, I don't know, I did give her advice on proper hydration, right, just something I thought would help because she told me she had to pee one time, so It made sense to give her some tips on that stuff... so from then on she's been way awesome towards me, and asking me stuff and being interested in getting to know me.

Now I don't know what to do. I don't want to go crazy and try to get into her pants and then totally turn her off, but I don't want this to end, I LIKE IT. I believe after all the shit I've been through I deserve a bit of happiness, but I can't drag a girl like her onto the sinking ship that is my life. It's just that she's already there and seems to like it. She can die any day on the job, same as me... I have nothing to lose trying to get with her... aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaghhhhhh...

I ain't scared of trying. I'm scared of being the wrong guy for her, most of all. She deserves a super great guy. I don't know, maybe she already has him and all, but she seems to be lost on that front, same as me. as a female, she's not going to do shit squat to find a mate... man, why'd she have to get this job, and mess up my once clear head. I worked and worked and worked and muscled my way through the job in my quest to one day learn what it takes to be a pilot or whatever, and she shows up. First I see her in the cafeteria, then one day on the ramp and I teach her how we deal with late bags, then months later we're in the same zone and she's furious with me as our first real interaction, fucking wonderful... now she's turned off the psycho attitude and she respects me to some degree because I'm not just another retarded black fucker at this job... what the hell does she want? she must be fully aware of how she makes dudes feel on the job, maybe she gets a kick out of it...

so funny

Thoughts on Failure

I shouldn't beat myself up really, so many people have it worse than me, but my ego is certainly I'd say unforgiving enough that I cannot let it go.

I don't fail. I strive to be the best at whatever it is I'm given to do.

So when it happens, I'm often utterly bewildered and seek out an answer for why it happened. The car accident. The forums I've been to and the stuff that's transpired. The military... and now an incident that I alone started at work, which if I was smarter about, wouldn't have happened. and worst of all it happened right in front of the man who signs my checks. Though mere moments earlier he screwed up on the tow in, so that takes the pressure off, but we're not friends, more like frienemies. He'll still throw me under the bus even though he's a cool guy.

I said I'm trained to keep moving forward no matter the obstacle or issue that may be at hand. Yes... but I have such a heavy mind right now. I've been doing the job for so many years, I'm not as serious about it as when I started... and that can be dangerous because I personally do have the power to bring down the aircraft if I'm not careful.

So onto the main point of this post. After the car accident, I felt like I should say something to myself to get me back on my feet and keep trying. But I couldn't... For the first time in my life I didn't know how to feel about being knocked flat on my ass by life. I looked to God in the end to give me the strength to feel like getting back on smooth rails. But that certainly wasn't enough... I only wished I'd wake up and everything would be fine and nobody would need to pay for damages or whatever...

I've only felt this hopeless one other time and that was in the airforce. By the time I knew they'd never let me wear my blues. Etc... That didn't bother me as much as realizing I was just some negro puppet they were playing with the whole time... but yeah I still felt like my life was over, ya know...

I feel like that now.

How do you come back from that is the question... I'm drained mentally and physically. I'm feeling old. And even if I die tonight I wouldn't feel too bad about it...

what reason do I have to persist? Just to be the best luggage packer on earth? I suppose I do have some people who care about me in this world and I'm not joking about my passion for aircraft.... to be a pilot, you must truly love to fly planes, I think, and that doesn't simply apply only to the cockpit, but all aspects of the job. Furthermore, you must be willing to make errors on the path way to becoming a good pilot too, I'm sure... None of them fly thinking they're not human and cannot make mistakes, in fact that's probably a fundamental requirement in so far that they acknowledge they must be prepared for anything... And even then, never give up when things get rough.

I won't either.

The Game is Over

Met in an accident today. I don't know why it happened, I thought I was making a fairly good turn, maybe I wasn't, sometimes you can't be sure, but the other guy hit me, claiming he wasn't sure if I was going to stop or not. I stopped hearing his screeching tires and we couldn't miss each other.

I feel awful...

I must now take the subway to work again, and yeah all that jazz about feeling good about this girl I work with, I'm going to have to let it go, permanently. I'm in no state to play like some kid anymore. I have to make a choice, either pursue the job with utmost seriousness or quit and find something else...

Life goes on with or without me, true, still I feel like I do matter to some extent and when stuff like this happens, it shines a light on my shortcomings, and how much I need to fix if I can possibly do so. There's nothing more to say... I want to forget this happened, wake up from this nightmare, but this is reality and i have to take it and live with it for the rest of my days... what a crazy thing. We'll see...

Delicate matters

It's unbelievable... I feel so conflicted now more than I have in years past. I am simple minded and methodical in my behavior. I do what works, what makes sense, nothing more. It's always made sense in that light to me to avoid the opposite sex in order to have time to develop my long held scientific pursuits etc.... possibly time travel... One has to come first, I can not give in to my sexual urges if I am to achieve my goal.

She has to come into the picture though... Never met someone so awesome honestly. Just the thought of her makes me feel invigorated. Not even because she's fucking gorgeous, but intelligent... I never let a moment between us go without nudging her intellect a little to see what she eventually generates. I know her initial intention was to play dumb for some odd reason, but just as I've learned working for these kinds of jobs, there's super brains everywhere. I wanted her to realize that, so I don't hold back when I talk to her about life and stuff.

and it makes sense since we're at a high standards place like an airport to adhere to grander expectations.

I find it hilarious how she tries to treat me like some dumbass, then has no choice but to show even an inkling of respect for me because she knows I'm not. Like she'll never just talk down to me and expect me to take it like an obedient dog, she'll be reluctantly at least trying to get my attention in order to make me aware of what her intentions are.

I may be in love... It's a chess game with her really. You won't get into her panties if you don't pass her mental maze. people say she's gay, but she's not, I know she's not. most interesting although im not sure what steps to take nextt except to stand back and observe the beast in its natural habitat.

God help me

Yesterday I wrote there are no heros here and really that came true today. a guy i work with herbert, is very wise about the ramp ops, and he knows everything about it, even stuff like how some new ramp agents try to be the best ever and prove they're essentially super men, but he told me that in this job there are no heros. Particularly I think because you can't impress the company, all you are is a number, and more over is that it's not worth it to be extraordinary on the ramp... just not worth it, because you wont get a medal.

but I don't listen for shit, so I went buck wild today and tried to do EVERYTHING, fmc, park planes, stack bags... and... shit happened... always does, but If I had a clearer head maybe it wouldn't have. I got cut some slack today but if I was I think a more visible part of the company I'd be fired... you just don't cut power to the plane while the pilots are doing their programming, or park the plane wrong...

now Im only focusing on the negative. I'm with a lot of good guys and I take that for granted, they see you make a mistake and try to help you rather than shove you to the side and say go fuck yourself like a lot of guys do at this job. I got lucky. the day was going smooth until i fucked up some stuff... which I eternally feel bad about. I don't know what to think... I'm confident in my skill to do the job right, but some stuff I'm not so sure about just yet, need more practice...

still I'm military trained to press on no matter the circumstance and I'll adhere to that though I feel so bad about having erred.

nobody's perfect is the saying... like when I was working with the girl and she's trying to show off her mad ramp skills by tossing shit and she failed, I didn't laugh, because I've been doing this job for way too long to feel like it's funny, it's not, it's a grueling impossible job that some poor misguided little woman is trying to hammer her way through like she's proving anything... the company just wants to eat you alive, don't you get that.

there are no heros here

Ok I said something to this girl at work. I mean she's not hard to talk to really, we're just ordinary coworkers, not complete strangers. Trying to start a convo with some hottie on the train or wherever, now that would be a bitch to do... I certainly felt awkward doing it, and she didn't seem to be interested in having to deal with me, except for a possible acquisition of information that I may or may not have. still, for so long, we've not had a word between us, and I've changed that. I want her to think I'm a good dude, ya know.... see, what happened was she talked shit to me about how I really hate the job and she loves it more than me, but she sucks at the job that's the issue. The only thing she can do is the fmc loader and more power to her, but the job is to fill planes manually as well as by mechanical methods and she's not particularly good at one, why spend money on half a good employee I'll never know. Delta crazy... so after slicing and dicing my ego, she completely fails at trying to toss heavy crap, which is what the job is, and from this I gather she thinks I think she's a dumbass, which is kinda true, but far from how I really feel... I'm scared for her safety. she's like lois lane completely, just putting herself in stupidly outrageous situations and thinking she doesn't need a man's help. She's lost, and I know that, she's such a smart girl outside of her ambition to prove she can do whatever a guy can... I want to protect her.

No matter, what's funny today is that seemingly I've also been upgraded to fmc status... Hopefullly..., nigga might just say he was kidding about letting me work the easier gates and put me back on the shitty ass hood gates. I just wanted to learn the fmc for once, and suddenly he tells me I'll Always be working with a certain ala from now on. Now this guy's a good guy for trying to diversify my skillset... I think in preparation for fulltime. They're planning to make me AIC on some of the gates since I know my shit by now. Problem is I suck ass at fmc, having not done it much and I've never parked a plane which is practically like landing it, mess up and you're not getting another chance... It's gotta be right every time.

We'll see. When I'm at work, especially at delta, I feel happy honestly... I'm doing what I dreamed of doing, working on aircraft, having a chance to see the world, possibly squeeze into pilot status, I mean, if you train and get the license, that's all it is, you're clear to fly... Delta works based on qualifications and even promotions... and there are some smart motherfuckers working there, they THINK first before throwing you under the bus... not everybody there, but there's a higher level of sophistication at the airline rather than the subcontractors. This suits me because I'm a man of inquisitive sensibilities, I have an open mind... and that's supported at the company, being crafty, clever, smart, not just a mindless drone. It's so cool when your boss sits you down at a computer to look at new architectural designs that fascinate him and he wants to share that with you... where else does that happen?