Thoughts on Failure

I shouldn't beat myself up really, so many people have it worse than me, but my ego is certainly I'd say unforgiving enough that I cannot let it go.

I don't fail. I strive to be the best at whatever it is I'm given to do.

So when it happens, I'm often utterly bewildered and seek out an answer for why it happened. The car accident. The forums I've been to and the stuff that's transpired. The military... and now an incident that I alone started at work, which if I was smarter about, wouldn't have happened. and worst of all it happened right in front of the man who signs my checks. Though mere moments earlier he screwed up on the tow in, so that takes the pressure off, but we're not friends, more like frienemies. He'll still throw me under the bus even though he's a cool guy.

I said I'm trained to keep moving forward no matter the obstacle or issue that may be at hand. Yes... but I have such a heavy mind right now. I've been doing the job for so many years, I'm not as serious about it as when I started... and that can be dangerous because I personally do have the power to bring down the aircraft if I'm not careful.

So onto the main point of this post. After the car accident, I felt like I should say something to myself to get me back on my feet and keep trying. But I couldn't... For the first time in my life I didn't know how to feel about being knocked flat on my ass by life. I looked to God in the end to give me the strength to feel like getting back on smooth rails. But that certainly wasn't enough... I only wished I'd wake up and everything would be fine and nobody would need to pay for damages or whatever...

I've only felt this hopeless one other time and that was in the airforce. By the time I knew they'd never let me wear my blues. Etc... That didn't bother me as much as realizing I was just some negro puppet they were playing with the whole time... but yeah I still felt like my life was over, ya know...

I feel like that now.

How do you come back from that is the question... I'm drained mentally and physically. I'm feeling old. And even if I die tonight I wouldn't feel too bad about it...

what reason do I have to persist? Just to be the best luggage packer on earth? I suppose I do have some people who care about me in this world and I'm not joking about my passion for aircraft.... to be a pilot, you must truly love to fly planes, I think, and that doesn't simply apply only to the cockpit, but all aspects of the job. Furthermore, you must be willing to make errors on the path way to becoming a good pilot too, I'm sure... None of them fly thinking they're not human and cannot make mistakes, in fact that's probably a fundamental requirement in so far that they acknowledge they must be prepared for anything... And even then, never give up when things get rough.

I won't either.