addendum

I suppose it's appropriate to make absolutely clear my reasons why I feel betrayed and unsettled by what has transpired today. I had no reason to believe our once amicable interactions would suddenly turn so sour. It hurts worse because it was such an unexpected turn.

I will survive this, no doubt, but such a blatant unfiltered and totally clean cut disaffection was shocking and will take time to heal.

It's definitely true that you should never start a relationship with someone you have no choice but to see at work from time to time.

Maybe it's my fault I think... I've been swapping out frequently with other coworkers to my own admission so that I can see her every day. I declare now that my intentions have changed. She will no longer be a reason to go to work. My plan has always been to get closer and closer to my dream of flying planes. period.

I don't know what to do next, that's the thing... we'll meet again, possibly even work together.... the question is, will we speak with one another with friendly or hostile tones... I have no interest any more of pursuing her as a friend.... not that I thought I'd even get that far, but we were going in that direction, then suddenly, screeching halt as she's decided to kick me to the curb. why... what did I do that turned her off???

the thing is that I try to befriend all of my coworkers, some respond well, others respond negatively and we don't go down that road... it's not because she's hot or anything, that's just who I am, outgoing and friendly and clownish... she's attempting anyway to be a tough no-nonsense leader and I guess take the job super seriously. So our personalities clash there although she knows I'm really fucking smart so I'm not just going to mess around... so complicated, this girl. I see her allowing the other guys to shit all over her and comment on her big tits and she herself watches rap videos and lowest common denominator shit on the internet, but then she also reads books and wears dorky glasses to convey her true self which is a nerdy girl who's determined to work the job intelligently rather than brutishly.

why the sudden blocking of me, why after she responded so well to my showcase of intellect and humor... it's maddening. She didn't have to brush me off today, if she didn't like what I said, just tactfully giggle and move on, don't make it bluntly clear that you don't want to deal with me today... so then as the day goes on, I decide to try again, maybe she was just thinking about something else and didn't have time to respond fully to my joke, but no... make no mistake, once I again comment on her glasses, she indicates that she wants me out of her space... I then because I respect her, ignore her for the rest of the evening... which hurt because we were developing good pleasant vibe between us... not personal just normal everyday friendliness between two like-minded individuals. so I'm in a state of shock right now at how fucked over everything is.

I will drop everything and just go to work and do it and go home just like in the old days before I knew she existed... what a fucking joke though.