God help me

Yesterday I wrote there are no heros here and really that came true today. a guy i work with herbert, is very wise about the ramp ops, and he knows everything about it, even stuff like how some new ramp agents try to be the best ever and prove they're essentially super men, but he told me that in this job there are no heros. Particularly I think because you can't impress the company, all you are is a number, and more over is that it's not worth it to be extraordinary on the ramp... just not worth it, because you wont get a medal.

but I don't listen for shit, so I went buck wild today and tried to do EVERYTHING, fmc, park planes, stack bags... and... shit happened... always does, but If I had a clearer head maybe it wouldn't have. I got cut some slack today but if I was I think a more visible part of the company I'd be fired... you just don't cut power to the plane while the pilots are doing their programming, or park the plane wrong...

now Im only focusing on the negative. I'm with a lot of good guys and I take that for granted, they see you make a mistake and try to help you rather than shove you to the side and say go fuck yourself like a lot of guys do at this job. I got lucky. the day was going smooth until i fucked up some stuff... which I eternally feel bad about. I don't know what to think... I'm confident in my skill to do the job right, but some stuff I'm not so sure about just yet, need more practice...

still I'm military trained to press on no matter the circumstance and I'll adhere to that though I feel so bad about having erred.

nobody's perfect is the saying... like when I was working with the girl and she's trying to show off her mad ramp skills by tossing shit and she failed, I didn't laugh, because I've been doing this job for way too long to feel like it's funny, it's not, it's a grueling impossible job that some poor misguided little woman is trying to hammer her way through like she's proving anything... the company just wants to eat you alive, don't you get that.