Holly Gilingham

What to say... she's my cousin's best friend, or former best friend, whatever. We went to school together every day back in 2004. I liked her. Not the way I liked Alicia, but she was a good girl, smart, not bad on the eyes. Still the killer for me was her age. She was 14 and I was 17. I'd never been around girls much back then so I didn't know what the best age ranges were for a relationship. I thought about it a lot, she was definitely single same as me, but I didn't think I was good enough for her and the age difference really messed me up since I don't want to go to jail for pedo stuff....

Well she's 20 now. in college. Sigh... It's been 5 years, 5 long years since I last saw her. No doubt she's been around the block, probably a completely different person now. My cousin's certainly changed now that she's a wife and mother. I was absolutely floored by that revelation. I thought she'd end up married later on or something not so soon...

Still I'm so confused. One minute I'm thinking about the mil, which I'm SO scared of doing, but determined to succeed in or *shrugs* go back to my blue collar nothing life, and now I have Alicia on myspace, Holly in NY somewhere, tons of airforce women who will go nuts for a man in uniform... I'm just losing my mind from it a little bit. I NEVER thought I'd have this many girls to choose from at my whim. How strange... I guess it does pay to be patient. I'll have to move quickly though. IF I finish basic and tech and get settled, i'll definitely consider all this courting stuff. I realized too late that girls LIKE being chased by boys. So here I am trying to get my shit together enough to start doing it myself...

God help me.

Aaaaaaaaaaaaah

Today was fun I must say. I went go karting. I really enjoyed doing it since it felt like I was in a pilot, on a mission. I get the feeling this is all to get me to become accustomed to doing fighter pilot missions, but that's more of a pipe dream than anything else. Officers are the only pilots. I'm a dude who's still a virgin. An arrogant dick on top of that. I did love conquering the other drivers I must say. It's a part of my personality to be driven to be the best. I kind of feel like that's been built in me from the beginning as if the gov has been watching me all these years to see how I'd develope. it only makes sense that they'd want to make me who I am so that they can get the best weapon possible. I'm so confused though about how this all came to be. When I get into the mil, it won't be, how should I put this, a simple trip to the candy store. They will push me to my limits and beyond since they can't afford to have a soldier who isn't fully prepped for battle. If I'm not nearly perfect, in excellent condition, top shape both mentally and physically, it's over. I'm done. Im so scared but true enough if my father made it through, so will I. I just don't understand HOW or WHY he ended up this crazy dude as a result. Life makes people crazy anyway you slice it. God I pray you are there to give me and everyone of my team mates a safe and efficient boot camp that will transform us into MEN worthy of all the great women in this world.

strange... I feel like it's about to get interesting in the next 9 days... I'll call up my cousin and see if I can meet that holly girl she talked about. I might as well. I'm about to go through hell. I don't have anything to lose.

Strange day

I'm now at my sister's boyfriend's apartment. I am so over this blog but for real I'm in a bit of a pinch currently regarding my feelings for alicia, my insecurities, and my continued reliance on internet use as a social support. Im an old man at 23. When I was a kid, I thought about life in my 20s and didn't really know what to think of it. I suspected I'd be in some classroom toiling away at some deep intellectual stuff as I'm prone to do for fun from time to time. I'm always thinking... Well I was out today and man am I freaked out by some of the young women out there. it's nuts I tell you. they're kind of losing their minds at whatever age they are, all about showing off their bodies, being seen and approached by men. This is where I fail to succeed. I don't know what to do with women. I love them, but they're frappin strange little things... And I don't know what to do to become a REAL man, not some wimp who won't kick ass when it needs to be done.

I'm so lost damnit. I'm like, oh GOD help me. I've always believed in Him. But I don't know whether to simply sit back and watch the wizardry commence or be proactive and be all holy. Alicia's always been coming and going in my life for some odd reason I can't understand. She was there when I was in kindergarten. I was her friend, she was mine, then years later we met again in 8th grade. I was in love with her not long after she recognized me from our kindergarten days. I thought about all the good things I could GIVE her. She was a bit erratic, but that didn't matter. She was definitely worthy in my eyes no matter how silly she acted. She took a photo of me when I graduated from middle school.

Sigh, how stupid i was... I could have taken up the opportunity granted to me. Girl threw herself at me because I was a decent fellow, nothing amazing, just a good smart guy who would be good husband material. I made the GREATEST mistake of my entire life when I decided to ditch her and move on to high school. I went to mount st michael stupidly thinking that IF I worked hard enough in school I'd finally see her again. Truth be told maybe at one of the dances I'd have met her, but I didn't know if that would happen. I then became lost in the internet and the rest is history.

Now I'm sexually frustrated to the max. I'm so distraught, confused, pained by years of stress and am about to go through two months of intense training that will YES be the hardest thing I've ever done, and she's back again... sigh... and she's all that and a bag of fritos to boot... girl still has some great legs, body like a model, dayum... It's not going to be easy getting with her now when I'm all stupid and crappy looking.

And do I want to is the question. I don't care about me really. I care about her. She always was the only thing I thought about at mount. after I realized I'd never see her again, I threw in the towel on life. She was my reason for existing. After that puberty set in and I wasn't about to be getting some from my dream girl, right, forget about it... Now I'm going into the airforce and the onus once again is on me and me alone to go after her. She's 22 now... shoot. We've been apart for 10 years. I'm a hot mess. Shes just hot. What to do, I wonder...

My sister's giving me hints that I'll get married, have kids, become part of a upperclass black elite or something. Is it that I'll be with her? Is that my destiny? How the f did I get this lucky. i'm a screw up.

And I'm frankly drained, mentally, emotionally, physically, you name it. I'm full of fail and I can't make any sense of HOW I'm supposed to live out the rest of my life. At least I have employment.

God you crazy son of a gun you...

Alicia Ayers

I have to say something here. I feel conflicted. Infinitely conflicted... But something's stirring in me that I haven't felt in a long while, I mean LOOOOOOOOOOOONG.

love.

God damn... I'm just... I don't know what to think. That girl I told you about, the girl I knew back in school all those years ago... sigh... I found her:

http://www.myspace.com/lilmsprettymama

I'm going to marry her. I have no other thought to add but that. She's the one.

I've been searching for her for 10 years.

But I'm scared honestly. I don't know if I have the balls to be a good husband. Ain't no other girl in the world but her for me though...

I don't even care if she's with some guy. She's MINE. I LOVE HER. Always have. Always will.

I'm losing my damn mind

I'm supposed to be thinking about the military. I get up every morning, eat a few slices of wheat bred for breakfast, wait an hour or so, then go for a jog around my old high school, 2 times around if I can... that's all I do. I'm concentrating on strengthening my legs since running's going to be a major part of basic training. But I can't help it but to think about what my stupid cousin told me a while ago. She says my wife's here... (I'll explain)

Let me tell ya this internet. I don't know where to begin with women. It's just something I've never had the option to do. When you go to college of course they're everywhere, but some are married already, some you don't know have boyfriends yet, and it's hard to balance whether they're going to act like a woman or a little girl at their early 20s late teens, that's certainly a problem. I'll be honest, I'm still attracted to your typical 16 year old high school girl just like I was in high school but that's a no go for launch now that I'm 23. No the age difference isn't that different from a 20 year old witha 30 year old which does happen, but I'll still get locked up. There's no tolerance when it comes to underage sex even if the person in question is ok with it. I'll tear a guy apart if he touches my 13 year old niece for instance so i undestand.

Still it's confusing to have NEVER gotten with a girl, teen or older. Not once. And now I got old 30 something ugly fat chicks trying to holla at me on the train and ugh, it's a nightmare. But... my cousin says this girl Holly who I kind of had a crush on back in high school is now going to school in NY. I'm thinking.... ok... she's probably had a billion dudes by now and is just looking for an easily pussy whipped guy to keep her company on the weekends. It's not out of the realm of possibility. I'm so horny I'd be crazy enough to marry her right now but then i know that's EXACTLY what a lot of guys do, they marry early out of pure desire for sex then later they get divorced and have to pay for everything.

I'm single. I'm in the airforce, one of the hardest military branches to get into because of their intellectual requirements of which I'm somewhat capable of I guess, and I have a door open to me to go on to get my college degree and make a hell of a lot of money for me and yeah, possssssssssssibly a kid. I'm thinking about it... But I hate this world. I hate how it's gone. i can't bring a kid into this mess. And I feel sorry for every kid i see because no one will save them from the shit storm I've experienced growing up and still am as a horny sexually frustrated young adult crazy internet addict.

At least I got chicken.

Death of an Icon, Life of a Legend

Michael Jackson is dead.

That's about as short and to the point as my reaction was at the time but as it begins to sink in more, the gravity of what losing him actually means begins to swell... He was from my perspective a black youth in the bronx, a damn hero honestly. My parents worshiped him. I couldn't believe the things he was capable of doing both vocally and physically. I sang his songs, wanted to be a singer like him when i was little. He inspired me to work hard since he proved anybody could do anything no matter who they are or where they come from. His death means A LOT no matter how fucked up he became later in life.

Michael Jackson is dead.

A part of me died too.

How can I make it right

Ugh... I'm so spent. I'm trying to quit masturbation and it's just clouding my mind with sex and confusion. I don't know what to do about this. When I was younger I started getting my natural sex drive, right and it was what it was, later on it started to worry me because I didn't know what to do about it. I also got too into the internet forum world which is truly dangerous. No matter, I suspect it was all a part of some greater plan. Some people go their whole lives never knowing about the things I learned through the internet, so there was some positive outcome in the end. But i must admit I'm lost.

bmt is in about a single month from now and I must prepare myself mentally and physically for the torture I'm about to endure. this is some jesus christ shit. I read that there's a part where they actually shoot live bullets over your head while you crawl under it. For the love of, that's nutz.

The pressure's getting to me. I'm thinking about how i fucked up at college that one time, and how I got into forums, and how no one on those forums cares about me, and how I'm wasting my time thinking about all that shit, and how I should be building a thicker skin for when I come up against people in th efuture. Which unfortunately I know im not suited for. I've got not an ounce of mean asshole ability in me. I'm just not capable of it. Others think life's all about domination and that's their right I guess. I don't think it is but how do I make sense of surviving in a cruel world that could care less how nice a person I am...

sigh... God is the answer in the end really... when i think about God I feel so alive and fearless, but my faith isn't as strong as it used to be and I doubt myself all the time now, my skills, my passion, my worth as a person, all come to question... Oh how I remember when life made sense... childhood had its downside but it was a lot less confusing.