How can I make it right

Ugh... I'm so spent. I'm trying to quit masturbation and it's just clouding my mind with sex and confusion. I don't know what to do about this. When I was younger I started getting my natural sex drive, right and it was what it was, later on it started to worry me because I didn't know what to do about it. I also got too into the internet forum world which is truly dangerous. No matter, I suspect it was all a part of some greater plan. Some people go their whole lives never knowing about the things I learned through the internet, so there was some positive outcome in the end. But i must admit I'm lost.

bmt is in about a single month from now and I must prepare myself mentally and physically for the torture I'm about to endure. this is some jesus christ shit. I read that there's a part where they actually shoot live bullets over your head while you crawl under it. For the love of, that's nutz.

The pressure's getting to me. I'm thinking about how i fucked up at college that one time, and how I got into forums, and how no one on those forums cares about me, and how I'm wasting my time thinking about all that shit, and how I should be building a thicker skin for when I come up against people in th efuture. Which unfortunately I know im not suited for. I've got not an ounce of mean asshole ability in me. I'm just not capable of it. Others think life's all about domination and that's their right I guess. I don't think it is but how do I make sense of surviving in a cruel world that could care less how nice a person I am...

sigh... God is the answer in the end really... when i think about God I feel so alive and fearless, but my faith isn't as strong as it used to be and I doubt myself all the time now, my skills, my passion, my worth as a person, all come to question... Oh how I remember when life made sense... childhood had its downside but it was a lot less confusing.