Emotion

I'm feeling an emotional reaction today. It hurts, frankly. I'm used to subduing all emotion because the minute you let it known that you're human, people pounce on that and they won't be stopped unless, in some cases, you take them out of this world. We lust for other's suffering, sad to say...

I don't know... I didn't intend to make myself known to anyone, but this bitch sees right through me, knows I'm not that smart, knows I'm shy as hell around girls, all that shit. And she's 4 years younger than me, so it's that much more embarrassing that she's light years ahead of me intellectually. Still, she's gorgeous... I wonder why she's joining the military and not doing something easier. She must be god damn crazy. Pretty girls in the military just makes no sense to me. No doubt she's looking for the thrill of the job and potentially a hard core badass no bull shit husband who's probably killed a man. Lots of girls are looking for that guy these days since they're so rare.

Fucking shit, I wish I didn't have emotions. I know that they're temporary and what feels like it'll hurt forever will be gone in a few days or hours. That's life, man. You maybe wake up, eat, go to work, come back home, have a beer, and do it all over again the next day. It's not complicated.

I don't know if I can take BMT. I lost my mind from some douche on a forum, how am I going to handle the real thing? My answer? Fuck it. Just go crazy. The mil works like this: They don't care if you have personal issues, can you get the mission done. period. They'll give you what you need as long as you meet the requirements. Hopefully, that'll be the case. I don't know yet if I can. I'm physically in the best shape I've ever been in, but mentally I'm a fucking mess and I know there's no fix for that, but I have to do this shit, what else am I going to do if I don't make it in the airforce?