June 1

Made it...

Today was a ok day, nothing special happened. Went to the store to buy soda and apple juice... yum.

Though I have to get my feelings out on something that still bothers me. I'm pretty clear on what I want to do, just be an ordinary military man. If I die, though unlikely in this branch, so be it. I've made my peace with that long ago.

I don't know tho... I don't know how to be a ruthless jerk, never had that kind of way about me. I was taught to be nice, so that's who I am and I usually get my face kicked in for it. Yes I can be a badass sometimes, but it requires great sacrifice on my part, the kind that eats away at your soul etc...

My niece is going to be a great person one day. Saw UP with her and my sister yesterday... I guess I'm getting a preview of what it's like to be a father of a daughter... she's just a kid now, thinks the world's all fun and flowers and girly junk. She has no clue what kind of anvil's about to fall on her once puberty kicks in full throttle. I guess it's no big deal for girls, I don't know anything about their development. For me, it was rough specifically because nobody taught me anything. I can deal with a boy, teach him how to be at least a 23 year old virgin like me, not necessarily a manly man like other guys who've seen and done it all and are just chillin, watching their kids grow and protecting their family. You got to respect that.

I hate it, the whole 18 thing, like I said before. My cousin still lived at home till 25 or so and he was in a masters degree program, already had a job, he was just getting a boost by not having to pay his own bills yet that's all... And he's awesome. But it's complicated, my situation... I didn't really care about anything when I was put into thousands of dollars of debt against my will. My parents were so thrilled to have me gone from the house, they didn't care that I wasn't intending to finish college in the first place, just planning to get a job and go about my business. But no, that's not the plan. You go to college, you get in debt, you finish, you get the top job, and pay off the debt as you work your way through it and buy a house etc. I didn't like that. for one, when do you get a break? You go to school all your life, then you work all the rest? Good grief, and well, it's complicated...

Whatever, just got to keep moving forward in life... I'm so saddened though, thinking about how I have to face my future alone. Girls girls everywhere but not one isn't a golddigger! OY!