Happiness is good fun

I'm for the first time in a few years I think finally feeling happy. I know more about the world now than If I'd stayed in college being brainwashed to work some dead end corporate job. Yes maybe I'd be able to get better jobs with a degree but "fitting in" to the mold would have in the long run been my undoing as many men express online as they do what their mommy and daddy said they should do, be good boys and then later on find out that it's the cold hearted ruthless assholes who thrive in this society. So now they're stuck working some boring 9-5 having to beg for sex from the millions of gold digging sluts out there. My decision to not follow that path has left me scared deeply, emotionally, and I'm doubtful that I'll ever fully heal from it, but what I've learned about people has been I feel worth more than the emotional turmoil.

What have I learned? People are complicated. There is no black or white with any of us. What is Normal? Some would say men being the head of the house, women being the nurturing caring one, is and so people who don't fit that standard are considered unfit, outcasts in communities where certain cultural norms have been established. For instance, as a black man, I have to out-do and express myself better than most of my fellow students etc. because the immediate thought about a black person is that they're primitave, stupid thugs etc. There's no changing this no matter how many blacks are president. It's the first thought anyone thinks of dark skinned people. It's in our dna to make quick judgments on the go without thinking things through.

Gays are a new thing. I really am quite fascinated by them. I'm not gay, was taught from childhood that boys and girls get together and so I've developed that mindset and girls are awesome to me, but it's, how to I put this... the world's going to have some thinking to do on whether gays are in or out as far as acceptability goes life-style wise. Society loves to entertain the thoughts of changing things, but THEY NEVER DO. Don't buy into the thought that people will over night stop thinking in terms of "us vs them" because we have to. Psychologically we don't function if we don't believe we are right in what we do. And that's the problem. We all think we're right and everybody else is wrong. It takes stuff like wars to change anything, people do need dramatic exampes to break them out of apathy like batman said. sigh, I'm so damn confused about my place in the world and the way the word works is that you have to join a group to be considered normal, so people know where you stand. Women have formed the feminist movement as a way of creating a divisive mentality and in my opinion a victim stance for themselves that's always convenient in times when they need it. Men have tried to create similar things, but truth is men hate each other so much, there's never going to be a time when all men will be on the same side. Not ever. Get a group of neo nazis and a group of black panthers together and you'll see them making friends with people who are similar to them regardless of race.

I think sometimes if I should be struggling to make sense of the world, push harder to understand deep scientific shit, become better than the people out there who can shred me to pieces without even trying, and all that, but then I think it through and I look up at the sky and I know, I just know there's some great power at work that's far beyond any of us mere mortals. Faith's the greatest power of all, I feel. Too bad so many have lost it and rely instead on their own limited perspective. How will a person like that ever know true love, I wonder. I've known it, it's like living without fear. I think that's what happiness truly is actually. My greatest fear right now is basic training, but maybe after that, perhaps after I've proven myself capable of overcoming my fears, I'll find happiness at last...