random thawtz

Bashing my head into the floor must of done some brain damage. You know what was funny when I lost consciousness. I felt it when my personality switched... I could only vaguely remember what I was prior to re-awakening and then, my mind like literally rebooted itself so I felt like it erased whatever was going on in my head before slamming into the floor and then on the floor it was like I went back in time and was in 6th grade. I kept feeling like I had to rush to the tv to watch tiny toons as if I was back in the 90s, all those memories of that time knocking around came back. I felt like OMG I have to rush to the tv to catch family matters... it was like wtf... I regressed...

I could feel it. Then I quickly realized I was not in the 90s and had lost consciousness. If I didn't quickly pick up on that, I'd have probably thought I was still that person I was decades ago, but I intellectually calculated my situation and although my old personality before the brain trauma had been erased, I was just good and smart about figuring out what I went through...

Bizarre shit damnit... but yeah, a good hard blow like that will erase memories and screw you up...

Wanted to talk about where I'm at with the film... Well getting my head jacked up hasn't helped with my attempts to get it going... Just been planning it more or less, gathering bits of footage...

Eh, starting to hate myself so much for wanting it to be this damn big. It typically takes me 3 days to do a music video. Gathering footage, organizing it, syncing it to the music, then polishing it nicely on the last day. This is a f'n 5 year project... no doubt it'll be cool but jesus could have done something smarter with my time I think.

I mean I'm just f'd up right now. Yunno all I'm thinking about is my failures and my lack of motivation and feeling so damn hopeless.

Hope something about it always quite elusive for me... but I don't want to feel this way. I freakin have done some cool things in the last few years by wanting to do it, hoping, etc.

I dare say I'm crazy enough to keep hoping for good things in life despite having no reason to.... hope is sometimes all a person has left...