Oh JESUS CHrist

What the FUCK, michael Bay.

What are you doing to my Ninja Turtles. I mean, I'm sure the movie will be a hell of a blast. And I'm going to be there first day. I mean, I saw TMNT 3 in theaters, FUCK, I know right? You don't want to go to your grave having THAT pile of shit as you only TMNT Theatrical experience.

Now the biggest problem to me as a huge gargantuan ridiculous ass fucking TMNT fan is that they're fucked up the goddamn designs. You don't finally bring back the tmnt to live action then have them rocking some shitty weird offshoot designs that we've never seen before and look ridiculous. It was bad enough that they changed shit for Next Mutation. But this is unbelievable. You have to be shitting me with this. It's optimus with flames all over again. Now it's turtles with gogoboots and garbage.

There must be a fury online about the costume changes to the turtles, got to be. This is just horrible to me.

It's WORSE than superman without the underpants. Hopefully snyder wakes up and says well, yeah I'm a dumbass for having superman's crotch grab everyone's attention in the theater, but who knows...

It's just hollywood being all pretentious and cocky pretty much... Really, I mean that's somehting I've been made aware of. They view themselves as elite artists. Yunno, like the difference between Major league and minor league and of course little league. It's we're the elite and can do whatever the fuck we want attitude.

So that's what's going on. They have no respect for the source material. They'll just pump out this movie with all kinds of stupid changes and it'll barely resemble the original comics or even the great tmnt2k3, or hell even this new shitty cgi cartoon they're shitting out on tv these days.

THEY DON'T GET IT.

TMNT has got to be one of the most impressive sci-fi comics on this planet. For its bizarre yet strangely alluring and captivating art styles. I always found that great as a kid, how weird the ninja turtles comics were. YEAH. I was a kid, hanging out in the room up stairs and there was a couple tmnt comics on. Of course I was into the cartoon like every one else, but I wasn't oblivious to the source material which was very much a send up to the sci-fi genre.

Which is full of fascinating concepts around the issue of radioactive mutation and what that can lead to, science, and the abuse of it etc.  There's just so much stuff to actually engage you mentally within the world of tmnt. They like to constantly harp on the family/brotherhood stuff, but that's not really what tmnt was about. It's about science. One of them is actually a super smart scientist. And that's because the series is about the complex issues arising from that world of science, mutation, robots, of course the turtles are an interesting result of science gone mad and they have to dedicate their lives to battling their own kind a lot. Which is the point. It makes an intersting argument about how science can be abused and create evil and also what can happen if you use the science for the RIGHT reason and defend people and use it to hopefully make lives better for everyone.

So I don't know if this movie is going to give a flying fuck about the complex underlining subtext of the Ninja Turtle world. Most likely not. But I love the turtles and hope that some how someway the people involved actually know a little about the source and are going to try to squeeze some of it in and didn't just grow up watching fucking 80s cartoon or something like that.

the error in judgement

Live and learn, the hard way. Hate the fact that every job is like your last job. Because if they write you up or give you a serious termination, it could eventually jeopardize future employment.

Here I stand ready to get let go from this sweet gig. I don't know what to think. It kinda makes me scared to join the CBP because if this little fucking security firm can huff and puff and threaten to fire you and shit over little insignificant crap, what's going to happen at big ass Federal job like CBP. I mean, goddamn, I do indeed want to be a good officer and just live clean and make mucho dinero and of course fuck every girl I can get my dick into with any level of consistency.

But I think this job is going south because these guys know I don't need it. I told some guy at work that I passed the customs exam. The biggest mistake I could possibly have made. I thought nothing of it, the other guy was also looking to get a gov job as a US Marshal and he's on his way out of the company too... what's the harm. LOTS OF HARM.

No doubt he spilled the beans to everybody. So now they all know I'm working on getting a much bigger job and are going to fucking crucify me since I'm not going to need to work for them.

I was hopeful that this place didn't have any kind of herd mentality to it. But it does indeed. Every job has a herd mentality. Every forum has a herd mentality. Every community has a herd mentality. You don't contribute and be loyal to them, they will cast you out.

Every single time...

Everywhere you go, no matter where in this world, there is an US VS THEM situation.

No man is an island as they say...

So it is what it is. Although I feel comfortable as a black person getting a job in the government. They are the LEAST racist organization on earth. You don't exist to them beyond your ID number. Literally... Skin color is not the most important thing to the government. They're all about numbers, data, systems. It's almost completely color blind environment.

So when I get in there, just like all these tests I'm taking, they'll be concerned with the paper work getting done. Even if I've raped a child or some shit like that, they'd not give a damn as long as I kept working hard for them. So I'm very eager tob get back into the gov jos and figure out where to go from there. It's been a long journey and I was always hopeful that I'd be smart enough from childhood to get a job above all the bullies in school. And I'm still hopeful that that is exactly how my life will end up. I'll be making money because I'm intelligent and the system caters to brain power and you get rewarded for having done the right thing and studied in school.

We'll see...

Well shit...

Looks like I'm out of this job.

I really am seriously like confused. I was very very careful not to stir shit up. But I made one mistake, I felt free to do a little dance or whatever while hanging out in some little corridor for an hour.

No doubt, they're going to bring that up as grounds for termination.

I'll try to fight it, but I'm not confident that they'll be open minded about how you get extremely bored doing this shit and need to get the blood flowing.

It's funny. I was thinking in my head, I better not do any extreme dance moves because I'm on camera. Seemingly even just a little tapping and swinging the hips is too much. I understand really. During training they were serious about how we have to act like stiff rocks all day in the place and not be crazy.

I hope they give me a second chance, honestly. I have no guarantees at all of getting into the CBP. And scrambling around for another Job is not something I want to do.

I mean this job is rough but it's one of those jobs that's rough periodically. 90% of the time you're sitting on your ass looking at the ceiling. Then it gets beast mode.

Like today, some absolute psycho they brought in was going nuts and we had to hold him down. And another thing was this lady they brought in who was drunk and fucking going insane. So it's shitty sometimes. Some days you go to work and they bring in the standard injured people, but most of the day is pretty uneventful.

I honestly don't care if they let me go. I know I'm overqualified for this job. Should be at least doing Aircraft Mechanics or something intellectual, which is what I'm geared towards all my life. Manual labor, fucking security, doesn't really gel with my personality or intellect, but what the hell that's how the world operates. It's above my understanding.

What to do if both CBP and this shit don't work out. I suppose do everything to get back into Delta. But they're weird. They call me one day to hire me, then I still see tons of postings on their site saying they have openings. Why aren't they getting in contact with me for the fucking job. I'll do ramp all day. Nothing better than knocking out a flight then jumping over to florida for a minute or two.

Stupid mistake to leave that behind. And moreso I can potentially get back into the TSA. I just have to apply again now that I'm beyond the 6 month limit. It's definitely a possibility. I wouldn't mind going back to that shit honestly. So I'm not out of the woods yet. But it's a tough thing to get jobs, be a good chap, then have one little thing ruin the whole works. That's life, you're not perfect. But they don't give a damn. You got to be perfect or fuck off...

what to do when in the CBP

I dunno. Never really knew what I'd do as an old man in life. Figured I'd work in some shitty office job like everybody else, no big deal. The idea of jumping around in the border shooting people or some shit, is let's just say unexpected. I'm growing ever more bored with the waiting process for this application, unfortunately.

Ya serious? You guys have a high rate of attrition, for whatever reason. Just give a bunch of black guys a good salary and you'll have all those positions filled like yesturday...

Don't make no sense. It's because it's a job that requires you to have a brain.

Thank GOD, I'm a smart fucker. I honestly don't know the true limits of my intellect, haven't really tested it out, but it's no slouch. I'm right up the airforce's alley honestly. Shit, wish I was in there working on aircraft engines or some shit right now. I belong in there...

I belong inside some white girl's asshole too now that I think about it...

I've NEVER had more of a lust for pussy than now at 27. Sure I've always wanted to fuck a bitch, but it's like, I can't even think straight, just the sight of some butt cheeks gets me all horny as fuck.

Eh, that's life son....

Going to hopefully get into CBP. But that tsa fuck up might mess me up. I do and I don't really give a shit. I honestly like where I'm at. I just go to work and pretend to give a shit and get paid. Don't really see much reason to go running around in some academy some where and taking on a harder job than this. It's not bad to stick to a little company doing little shit imo. Why do something more than that? Ain't nothing wrong with being a mad relaxed out dude. But I do want the money.... ya dig? I wouldn't mind earning back that fat ass TSA paycheck and thensome...

Going to get an apartment and a moped to get to work on down in Hawaii. Then find some HOT asian girl down there with big massive milk filled titties and fuck that bitch all day. AAAAAAAAALLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL DAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY.

FUCK YES.

Alright just stop it. No more Indiana Jones

I'm done with Indy now. I am a child of spielberg in his prime. To see the man pulling a Michael Jordan and ruining his legacy is above and beyond dissappointing.

We are ALL going to get old and want to recapture our youth. Getting old is not easy. You want to return to the glory days of course.

But goddamn are we losing something called discipline. I'm not the smartest guy in the world, but I remember being taught to live your life with some sense of dignity and discipline, and self control. I never understood why they pounded that into our heads as kids until now. Life is a crazy thing, without order, without some kind of purpose or whatever, people will go NUTS.

And of course that's happening today. You can see the incredible insanity of people all day online if you want to. I don't have any opinion on the right or wrong of people fucking each other in their ass online constantly. I honestly wouldn't mind joining the fun...

But yeah I'd like to return to the simple ideologies of childhood where, you believed there was a right way to live and a wrong way to live. This whole idea of accepting chaos is definitely over the top...

Static trailer progress

Well I am at an interesting stage now with the trailer. I might have bitten off more than I can chew but we will complete this shit at some fucking point... and it'll be beast. I goddamn swear. I mean, I always was into good shit, as a kid. Good art cartoons, movies, so I'm not thinking I should create something less than what I grew up on. So If my stuff doesn't measure up to the shit I grew up on, I'd personally be dissappointed with it in the end.

Just finished doing another battle scene between static and some bang baby, but this time he's got a light saber. I just wanted at some point to put my lightsaber in the video and this is going to be it. And it was tough to figure out how to shoot it and put myself inside the video with the villain and ultimately I"m overall satisfied with it, but there is some wonky fx work that I'll just have to live with. Now I see why Lucas is never satisfied with Star Wars. When you make this shit and it has little errors in it, it's like you lose your mind wanting to get it perfect. But overall it looks fucking good and as if I was really shooting it with 2 people instead of being a split frame back to the future sort of thing. You'll see. It's one of the most elaborate fx shots that I've done because it has so many elements to it that interact with each other. Came out better than I expected really and it just looks cool.

Need to shoot one shot of  a close up of the villain to finish it off because it was too dark really to see my face and the make up I had on...

Then that's all she wrote. One last shot to get really and it's going to be the epic finale of the trailer, and then it's editing time. 

the things I love and the things I hate

Thinking today about the things that bother me about movies and art. I'm a believer in the value of art and intelligence. It's always something that has appealed to me and always will be. I grew up being an avid space nut, watching all the movies and all the shows about science and space, and anything educational that was on I always took an interest in it. Sadly you get over 18 as a black guy and suddenly everyone's up your ass all day wondering what kind of person you are or who you're going to impregnate and it's just too much crap on my plate. That's just not right to go crazy on someone because of something they had no control over. But that's the way this world works.

I try not to dwell on it much, and just focus on what I like to do which is create works of art or generally enjoy porn or some shit like usual. It's fascinating to really gain a true respect for females and how they develop and change over time just like males do. I like how some girls these days anyway are ready to eat ten dicks and not really give a damn what anybody says about it. It's a glorious thing to behold to me, always wanted to get with a girlfriend who's just as much of a fucking crazy sexual person as me. 

The saddest thing about people is their inclination to want to step on each other's dicks and titties. It's so crazy. Today's generation of females is so fucking open to getting fucked, why anyone would want to limit that potential, I'll never ever fucking know.... we're not in the fucking 50s anymore. We're not in an era where a girl exposing her belly button is seen as obscene. We're in the year 2014, this is the age of utterly glorious sexual exploitation more now than ever. And I love it. I completely embrace my heterosexual interests and see no problem enjoying the glutton of beatiful girls all over the world. That's what we're supposed to do. YOu come in to this world as a male, you get stuck in school doing that bullshit for years, then one day you wake up and realize you're swimming in an ocean of pussy and all you have to do is open your mouth and eat till you're full.

Well anyway, we'll get to that. This is going to go 2 ways. If I get shipped to hawaii to be CBP down there. I WILL indeed try to get with some girl down there. I have no fear. It's something that I want to get experience in before I fucking die, that's all.

If I don't get into the CBP, uh, just find a girl hanging around here somewhere. I don't know who, don't know where, but there's always girls around these fucking hospitals. Maybe one days try to get some of that ass.

I know I see hot ass EMT girls all the time. What fuck are they doing working that job, I'll never know, probably got their degree or some shit...

 Anyway, just downloaded Ghost Rider Spirit of Vengence. Normal people don't care how good or bad the movie is, yes. But I'm not normal. I'm an artistically inclined person. I am sadly offended by bad film making and as good as the fx are in this movie, that's the only thing that is good. The story doesn't even begin to have anything to say and the characters are just shitty and nothing interesting is going on, and it's just a big dumbass movie that's trying to be more than what it is. There's just nothing going on in it, and that's trully sad and dissappointing to me because I love ghost rider, I thought they'd make a fucking better sequel, and no, they basically just gave us better fx and that's it.

I mean a little stupid kid will think it's the best movie ever probably, but I grew up watching mortal kombat, all the major super hero movies and of course the blade films, and of course I've been around long enough to know the difference between a film that actually works and a film that's just shit put on screen to make money.

I'd never ever do that. I'd never sell the audience short like that. If you can't figure out how to make a good film, don't bother. Don't make anything out of your ass and put it on screen for 2 hours...

MEN IN BLACK 3

 I mean I'm not a prude. I'm not an elitist. I just don't want to be completely insulted by a movie when I take the time to view it and this movie COULD have given us some meat to chew on story-wise but just says FUCK YOU to all the people watching it and give us some really badass special fx to cover up the fact that they were too lazy to make an interesting story with intersting characters.

So lame. At least the first ghost rider movie had a story. Even though it sucked it had a story. It had something to grasp while viewing it. Spirit of Vengance is PORN. You enjoy it on a visceral level alone. It's beautifual  music video. but there's NOTHING inside. It's a hollow movie for 5 year olds.

Or maybe not. Some guy brought is kid to it and the kid was just horrified by the flick and begged to go home...

I totally sympathize...

black guy with a gun

thinking about this shit now... I will most likely pass all the initial requirements for the customs job. May or may not pass the background check. I mean, people still get the job even if they have a minor crime on their record, so considering all I have is one write up and a little disclosure thing from TSA, that's nothing. I mean, who would you hire, a guy who's got a little fucking silly blemish on his record or a guy who's got caught stealing shit from a store? I just don't know the magnitude of the TSA thing, I just don't know how big an impact that will have on future jobs or even if it's in my record in terms of the overall work history or whatever. I mean, if I try to get a job at fucking toys r us or something and they do a background investigation, and that comes up, will it be detrimental. The lady said that it'll be a problem if you try to get back into TSA, then it'll come up and you'll have to fight it, but I'm not applying for fucking stupid TSA, I'm trying to get a REAL job.

If they find out about it, I'll explain what happened and that'll be the end of it. I'm not interested in going to supreme court over making a stupid ass mistake and getting disqualified from TSA. Hell, it'd make me feel worse if the thing meant permanent ban from TSA. But it didn't. You'd think it would, it's almost like joining TSA and you let your terrorist buddies get through the checkpoint without an issue. That could be a big big monumental fucking problem if you do something like that and I understand why they have all this sense of security and worry about people getting too close to their top secret info or some shit. It's just, a weird situation to end up coming across in life. Like, I don't really give a damn about their policies and their expectations. I'm just thinking about getting laid, not my fault. I'd LOVE to not be burdened by this dick, but it's there and it's always a problem.

As far as the gun thing and race goes. It's a concern. I think that if I have my customs uniform on and I'm rolling with a gun, no one will feel threatened. But the moment I go out in the street without my uniform and I'm a black guy with a gun, my life is fucking over....

So that's what I'll have to keep in mind. I'll only rock the gun when I have my uniform on, period... It's like there's no one feeling like a black guy with a gun is a good thing to have around at any point of the day. Hell, that's who they're dropping over in these third world countries. Blacks with guns...

Passed the fitness test

Oh man am I out of shape or what. I pride myself on my physical ability and determination to stay as fit as possible. How the hell did I barely make it through today's testing.

Lucky for me that I lost such a dramatic amount of weight these last few months or I'd have bombed out in the middle of the testing they give you.

I just didn't have the muscle. I don't do much exercise or cardio these days so when I push these tiny muscles they're taxed to the max.

And I payed for it...

But because I weight only 169 pounds, I wasn't like feeling the burn as much. I'm honestly very light now vs at 226 pounds before. So doing all kinds of physical activity is a breeze for me these days because I'm actually like thin and light on my feet.

Hope I get this job. I mean it's a double edged sword. If all is good and GOD blesses me, I'll get my ass in to CBP, get paid a billions dollars and never regret leaving this security job. Or the other side of the track, I get into CBP and it's horrible. They treat you like shit and you work really hard. One thing that struck me was how they test your lifting ability. What's that got to do with border patrol. Most likely, this job's going to be A LOT like TSA. Where on the surface, it looks very easy and not as burdensome, then you get into it and you're doing some heavy ass lifiting all day instead. But that doesn't make sense to me. If you have to go through some serious academy training and learning spanish, and fucking learning to shoot guns, how does that lead to huffing and puffing and lifiting bags or whatever.

I know that in like some videos CBP officers have to lift shit and search through things. Maybe that's all it is. It's not that you'll lift all day, but occasionally you'll lift a box or two. I goddamn hope so.

What can I say. I should have asked the cbp guys in the medical facility what the fuck they do. Is it that they are working hard or basically what I witness cbp officers doing which is standing around a lot and not really getting their hands dirty.

Can I get into the CBP?

Goddamn I hope so. My buddy from TSA is also applying if that fucker can get in, then I should have no problems.

What can be said about it. It's a better opportunity for your life than TSA. As much as I was having a blast making too much money at TSA, you can't really stick to that and progress. You'll be noodling around a 40,000 dollar a year salary for most likely a long fucking time. Which would have been fine with me. I never even began to think I'd get a decent job after high school I kept getting 8 dollars an hour for having finished that bullshit.

Now here I am about to get through the process to be hired as a CBP. Which will allow me personally to feel a lot more secure financially. It's a permanent government job. It's like, you have to want to get fired, they can't fire you unless they go through certain procedures. It's not like a regular job. Um, and it's going to pay a ass load more money long term. Provided you get promoted. You'll end up pulling in 90,000 a year.

Imagine being maybe 34 years old and having a salary in the range of 90,000 dollars. I'll most likely have a lot of potential to do a lot of the things I want to do by then. Go after a pilots license, whatever... this job is much more of a stepping stone towards that goal than the other shit.

And if you want it badly enough you can get it, I'm sure. I just don't know if I can or if I should go after a college education and pilots license. But that's my personal dream as a kid. I wanted to be an airline pilot.

And if I have to shovel shit at CBP for a long couple of years before I can have money enough to get all the requirements completed for pilot, then so be it. It's a much easier route in the end honestly. The other side of the tracks is sticking with this security job and taking out loans to go to university. Because this shit isn't going to pay no 40,000 dollars a year, not this garbage.

I don't think anybody cares, but this personally will make me feel like I didn't waste my time going to high school and of course having no kids at this point in my life. It's always a possibility that you can ruin these open opportunities by sticking your dick in a girl and starting a whole new family. But I didn't, I didn't and now I have anything I want to accomplish is possible now. And I hope I can get to that point. I'm going to have take a vacation first though. I will use my money from this job to take a break and just go on a little cruise for a while and just clear my balls and my head. Really need to get out of the shit for a while because it's going to be hard doing the CBP training. And I need to take a break before jumping on that train...

so what now

well... here we go. I mean I'm hoping only to get enough money at this point saved up to feel quite secure enough financially. Then my full intentions from here on out is to get an FSD License and shit. I'll attempt to get it without the 3 years requirement. Since that's just retarded to me. Supposedly if you stick to your grits and work hard for 3 years in a fire guard capacity, you can go and get the FSD license and you're all set. Which is what I'm actually hoping for, but if they say, nah, forget that bullshit and just take course and the exam and get the license and get the money. Cuz really I'll be earning MORE as a Fire safety director than as a fucking TSO. So might as well.


That would be the bomb. I mean if I was actually earning like 16 to 18 bucks an hour. And I was able to get myself a nice big apartment and just live nice and safe and clean. I would be in heaven. As for right now. This job is actually a cake walk. I go in, I sit down, I look at the ceiling and then it's over after 8 hours. Not a bad way to go. Supposedly it does get beast mode at times. Let me be clear. This is not kid stuff. This is grown man and grown woman HOSPITAL. All that shit you see on tv where they rush a body in and have to fix that person before they die. IT'S FUCKING TRUE.

It's WAR.

Balls up and take that shit or Go HOME.

I mean I hope and pray I'm not going to witness the serious levels of shit that these people dedicated their lives to dealing with, but who knows.... who fucking knows.... goddamn you don't really respect the fact that America is a place where you can go through your whole fucking childhood without seeing gruesome shit until you get older and you're put into the shit with everybody else.... you really don't...

progress and expectations

Well so far so good as the old proverbial saying goes. We are moving forward without much problems here. I will be doing this job for like the next probably 7 months as I forge forward with applying to a real fucking job, real fucking money, real fucking life and potential for true wealth and security. That's the joke about life. If you don't have money when you get older, things will get fairly complicated. It's not a nice world. I've seen so many old dying people in my time in the hospital. It's not going to be a fun journey, those last years of your life unless you have the money to get people to provide for you. Especially if you're black... that's another thing. I can definitely understand the friction between races now because we're all going to the same fucking place, death, and we can't all get there together on the same level. The idea behind society is that your class level is determined by your accumulation of knowledge etc. The harder core you work in school the better outcome you'll get much later as you get older.

At least that's good in theory. I don't believe white people give a flying fuck about the welfare of aging blacks. I'll put it this way. I've seen what black kids are like and ultimately yeah there is a legitimate reason why when white people get up to 60 plus years old, they stop giving a damn about blacks because when I was in grade school you wouldn't believe the shit black kids were trying to pull on white faculty. So yeah I'm not surprised that whites are feeling no sense of fucking interest in black problems as they have their own to worry about.

Does that affect or bother me? I'm not really worried about that right now. Like I say. Yeah it sucks and it is bad, but the thing I'm thinking about all day is NOT the friction between whites and blacks. I'm going to work and I see ass. Hot bubbly fucking ASS. And THAT is what I'm thinking about...

You may have your opinion about my youthful exuberance and interest in fucking the shit out of a female. But I DON'T GIVE A SHIT about you or what you want. That's the fucked up thing about people. You go to work or you go anywhere and people want to fucking talk shit to you alllllllllll day... and all YOU want to do is grab some titties and slide your dick in some Asian bitches ass, right.... I can't even begin to fathom why there's this crazy expectation to somehow just ignore the fucking giant elephant in the room called sex... and be all about other things... but shit, that's what I'm dealing with constantly. I know what I WANT TO DO to a girl's body... but apparently other people are like more interested in other things or whatever is up their ass at the moment...

I don't know whether to try to fight it or just relax and not worry about it. If you're that much of a psycho to try to limit everyone's sexual development, then you're on your fucking own. I can only say that as a kid, I never ever understood why bullies would rather piss in your face than get some ass, which was always around. There was never a day when there wasn't ass and titties at school. Yet the guys would rather be concerned with starting shit. And it's become even worse now as that's how the world fucking works. Two people might want to have a peaceful night of sex and just relaxation, then a fucking bunch of retards come running in and trying to stop them from doing what nature demands...

Makes.

No.

Sense....

first day of work

well that was a trip.

What can I say, never really in my life had much interaction with hospitals. And never intended to. What goes on in there must be some deep level shit. They have fucking tons of drugs, radioactive machines, nursing facilities for aging people, it's a big place, a lot of stuff is going on, and ultimately if they can't fix what's wrong with you, YOU DIE. And you go to the morgue. It's a very depressing environment, literally because you're standing on top of hundreds of dead bodies.

You're not even allowed to mention the morgue while on the floor because no one wants to be reminded of it.

I think to myself whether I can handle this job. Some of the guys in there have horror stories about the things they've witnessed working as fucking security guards in a hospital.

It'll be an interesting learning experience for me personally if indeed I decide to go into the medical profession in the future, and more or less good to get out and be amongst people and see exactly what goes on.

I mean I'm not oblivious to reality. We as a society are built and dominated by very super smart people. They're the ones who are in charge of life and death in this world and you can see what has been going on lately with all the wars, all the complex political dealings between super smart people doing super smart things...

I think to myself, don't get in their way and they won't have anything to say to me...

And hopefully that works out. I'm just hoping to look good to the company that hired me. The lady was so like kinda anxious about how I was going to work out long term. Sure I may get through these first days but when you're in a fucking hospital for days and days and the pressure mounts and there's maybe even a fucking psychopath running around, what the fuck are you going to do? I have VERY LITTLE knowledge about how to deal with mentally ill people. So what the blue hell am I going to do when that time comes, I do not know...

Take it day by day, and when things get interesting, we'll find a way to hack through it. That's all...

awesome

Going to be earning a sweet 11 bucks an hour. Not bad not bad at all. Hopefully this job is just simple and nothing dramatic.

Gotta be up early for work tomorrow. Then we see about earning enough to go take FSD classes. CDL classes.

I mean right now it's all about having an out. If for some fucking reason this job doesn't work out, I'll have my FSD and CDL. I can always drive trucks or be a FSD in some high rise apartment building or some shit.

I'll be honest, as much as I like doing the right thing and being a good worker, I have no passion for these kinds of jobs. Granted CBP gets the ball rolling, they won't know what the fuck hit them, I'm going to be the best fucking officer they ever saw. I mean I hung with CBP guys at delta. They are obviously really smart and top of the line people. It's like, I know I have some potential in that regard. It' just been a hell of a trip going along through my early 20s to this point. I don't know which way is up anymore honestly but I keep on trucking none the less. Maybe I'm supposed to.

It's just hard to take this reality of life and make sense of it. Oh one minute I'm watching this weird fucking movie what's eating gilbert grape, then I'm fucking getting broom handled jammed in my ass in BMT or some shit.

I honestly have had it with that kind of shit. Just want to live fucking normal now..,. so let's get that going and not give a damn about the past...

Onwards and upwards

Let's be honest, life is a strange bedfellow. Some people believe that the only way to live is by barbaric means. Being ruthless, cutthroat, and relentless. That is all there is and nothing more. I mean who hasn't dealt with morons in school as a kid. You get to the point where you think, I'm not taking shit form anyone anymore.

And I can see that being an interesting perspective. Hell, I think that's what they teach people in college, that you have to be like a rock in life and not be merciful.

I can be too, but I remember how sweet life can be too. Watching good disney movies or something as a kid, that was good. Loved TGIF on fridays back in the day, that was great. Um saturday morning cartoons was a blissful time for me growing up.

And here I stand, being taught that life is nothing but war and death. Sorry but I'm never going to stop believing in the power of hope and goodness. I know some people do and it works for them, but not me. Never me.

I mean look at life and how it's turned out for me. Maybe i never got a girlfriend. Maybe I never really got involved with any major bad things. Maybe I'm not super assertive and tough. But here I am about to get started in a decent job and have opportunity to go forth and become a customs officer which in time may lead to getting a degree and pilots license. And then maybe even some ass. Say what you want about me, but the things I've decide to do have lead up to this point. So I think along the way I did something right.

So my grandmother has died

I don't even know where to begin with what to say about her or her accomplishments. But she's the most incredible woman I'll ever know. For having survived to 90 years old is an outstanding accomplisment that most people will never do.

It makes me sad about how immature I am to not really respect and honor life's finite nature the way I do.

I struggle to look beyond my own selfishness and think about the larger picture. And I believe we all should. Makes things like all the stuff going on with these movies look like garbage compared to the wider spectrum of what is going on in life. Lucky for me that I've never been aware of the constant war and death and massacres going on in the world. None of that has been front and center to me all my life. Sure3 I've been beaten and mugged and I'm no stranger to tough times, but compared to a kid who has his leg blown off in a third world country, I don't know shit about true pain.

I am who I am, I believe I'm a hero deep down. I fight and struggle with myself to be a hero despite all the negativity that surrounds being a black person in a white man's world.

I am disgusted deeply when I see things like fucking feminism and women complaining about shit, yunno. You don't even know what struggle and toughness is, yet you're losing your shit over everything. Even more pointedly is my own dealings with whatever people are out there looking to take me down.

All i can say is one minute I'm just a teen playing tony hawk games and watching an episode of xplay, and next minute i'm being juggled around by a bunch of extremely powerful white people. It's hard to make sense of that sudden shift in life.

I can't makes sense of it. It just happened so fast, so fucking quick, my life has gone from one thing to another, that I don't really know where to make sense of it. Hopefully i get my job as CBP officer, get an apartment and never think about or worry about who's hunting me down or whatever childish nonsense is going on. I want to get to that point where I'm a regular joe going to work every day and nothing spectacular or interesting is going on.

Is that so wrong to hope for? Civility? To be normal?

Uh, well anyway, it's a sad thing to see how life ends. This is both good and bad. Ultimately death means that there is no more pain and no more suffering. And that's all good. And that's kinda what I like about it. When you see a person struggling and in pain, it's horrible but death is truly truly peace. You are gone and no longer suffering and feeling immense trauma anymore. That's a good thing all around.

It made me think about what's going to happen when my parents die. And when I die. It makes me look at life and say "interesting..." It really really is going to end. I know that, always knew that, but never actually SAW it. To see my grandmother's dead body, makes me realize that it is real now. When you die, you are not coming back.

And I feel afraid, but I have faith I never really lived my life from day one without faith in  a higher power. And i'll never understand how people can live their lives without faith in God or something beyond this world.  Because as much as we all want to get nice big jobs and lots of things, we're truly not going to be around forever. And what more can a man do but cling to some kind of belief in life being limitless even beyond death itself.