So my grandmother has died

I don't even know where to begin with what to say about her or her accomplishments. But she's the most incredible woman I'll ever know. For having survived to 90 years old is an outstanding accomplisment that most people will never do.

It makes me sad about how immature I am to not really respect and honor life's finite nature the way I do.

I struggle to look beyond my own selfishness and think about the larger picture. And I believe we all should. Makes things like all the stuff going on with these movies look like garbage compared to the wider spectrum of what is going on in life. Lucky for me that I've never been aware of the constant war and death and massacres going on in the world. None of that has been front and center to me all my life. Sure3 I've been beaten and mugged and I'm no stranger to tough times, but compared to a kid who has his leg blown off in a third world country, I don't know shit about true pain.

I am who I am, I believe I'm a hero deep down. I fight and struggle with myself to be a hero despite all the negativity that surrounds being a black person in a white man's world.

I am disgusted deeply when I see things like fucking feminism and women complaining about shit, yunno. You don't even know what struggle and toughness is, yet you're losing your shit over everything. Even more pointedly is my own dealings with whatever people are out there looking to take me down.

All i can say is one minute I'm just a teen playing tony hawk games and watching an episode of xplay, and next minute i'm being juggled around by a bunch of extremely powerful white people. It's hard to make sense of that sudden shift in life.

I can't makes sense of it. It just happened so fast, so fucking quick, my life has gone from one thing to another, that I don't really know where to make sense of it. Hopefully i get my job as CBP officer, get an apartment and never think about or worry about who's hunting me down or whatever childish nonsense is going on. I want to get to that point where I'm a regular joe going to work every day and nothing spectacular or interesting is going on.

Is that so wrong to hope for? Civility? To be normal?

Uh, well anyway, it's a sad thing to see how life ends. This is both good and bad. Ultimately death means that there is no more pain and no more suffering. And that's all good. And that's kinda what I like about it. When you see a person struggling and in pain, it's horrible but death is truly truly peace. You are gone and no longer suffering and feeling immense trauma anymore. That's a good thing all around.

It made me think about what's going to happen when my parents die. And when I die. It makes me look at life and say "interesting..." It really really is going to end. I know that, always knew that, but never actually SAW it. To see my grandmother's dead body, makes me realize that it is real now. When you die, you are not coming back.

And I feel afraid, but I have faith I never really lived my life from day one without faith in  a higher power. And i'll never understand how people can live their lives without faith in God or something beyond this world.  Because as much as we all want to get nice big jobs and lots of things, we're truly not going to be around forever. And what more can a man do but cling to some kind of belief in life being limitless even beyond death itself.