Super mario Bros Movie

Goddamn, let me tell yall a little story. I was 11 years old, just yunno living life... One day I go to the video store down the street to check out what's up in there. I was always looking for cool movies to watch as a kid. When you're a kid, movies and TV are your life, you're just completely all about all that shit they're putting on tv. You have no idea what the fuck is going on in the adult world or how many people are getting their heads blown off in wars out there. You're just a kid watching fucking tv.... and movies.

I loved loved loved going to the movie store and one day, one awesome fucking day, I discovered the fucking super marios bros movie. BEST day of my life. I'd been into mario for along time. All of us 90s kids were into mario, you weren't a 90s kid if you didn't play mario at some fucking point. Little did I know but just around the time I was born, they made a live action mario bros movie. Because mario was the shit. He was GIGANTIC in the world of videogames and they HAD TO make a movie based on him. I still hope to see them make a sequel to it, but Bob Hopskins is dead now, so not likely and of course he claims it was the worst film he's ever been a part of, breaking his hand in the door after Luigi guns in the van. I'm amazed that a little bit of trivia that I glanced at as a kid after watching the movie, was fully explained by John Leguizamo just a year ago. It's like, I never saw that coming that he'd actually lay out the truth about how he broke Bob's hand. I simply assumed like the Imdb post stated that he closed the door on his hand almost maliciously. But the truth is that he was driving the van and they didn't know the door was going to slam on his hand. And I feel his pain even now. I mean I can't imagine the sheer amount of pain he had when that door slammed or even like how John felt after realizing he fucked up Bob's hand.

That's what makes the movie to me a lasting work of art. The amount of pain and blood that was shed making that movie. I watch to day and can just see how much fucking, superficially it's a terrible film, but it's earnest to no end. Hook or by krook they were going to make a goddamn SOMETHING out of the mario bros movie property. And they did. It stands today as a cult classic. I love it, it completely transports me back to when I was playing gameboy and super nintendo and not living in this future age with ps4 and shit that we have now where every game has to be a clusterfuck of insane overly done graphics. Simple fucking actual normal vidoegames, that's what I used to play. Tetris, my friend.

But I love the movie, it's really the single defining moment of my childhood. Everything about me is connected to that film. I feel at one with that movie, its essence, the way it's just this very NEW YORK ballsy film. I'm a new yorker, so a movie about two new yorkers kicking ass in dino land, was right up my alley. It's like the He-man movie in that they prettymuch get EVERYTHING wrong except the main character. Dolph Lungren is and will go down in history as the perfect He=man.As will Bob Hopskins go down as the perfect Mario. He played Mario PERFECTLY. Too bad they descided to cast a hispanic as his brother (which is interesting artistically. It's like yeah, they wanted luigi to be different than mario, but they're suppose do be brothers and it makes no sense that a white guy has a spanish brother.) Now to an ignorant black kid, John Leguizamo is a meatball and spagghetti eating italian, but now that I watch the movie as a grown man, it's just so obvious that he's hispanic, it's like not happening, the idea the concept that those two are related. But John plays luigi damn good so I didn't think much of it.

The movie is bad. I can't really seriously defend it. It doesn't really resemble the game much except for the obvious nods to the game, fungus, bob-bomb, mario suits, yoshi. All those things were neat to see for me. But the fact that they were surrounded by this terrible film, made those things like meaningless.

 I mean lets get into exactly how bad this movie is. I will lay out today since I'm not putting my dick inside of a girl's pussy, ass, mouth or between her soft titties. I have ALL THE TIME in the world to talk about my childhood eccentricities and little discoveries. So sit back relax, and enjoy my thoughts on the cult classic Super mario bros movie.

First things first, the movie opens on this supposed nintendo video game cartoon. It's a very crude and cheaply done flash animation. It's supposed to be some kind of like intro that switches over to live action. But it doesn't make any sense. Why is the beginning a shitty cartoon graphic. At least use sprites from the game if you're going to try to trick the audience with a videogame transferring over into live action. Instead it's very pretty damn clear they sucked and fucked up and were trying to be clever about it but it just comes off as stupid. There's no reason under the blue sky why they had to have a cartoon intro of the dinosaur world. It just make no sense and it sucked, I didn't understand it. Bad way to start a movie for kids to watch who love mario. I play a lot of nintendo as a kid, never saw any graphics that look like that. If they actually started the movie with fucking super nintendo graphics and then it slowly switched to live action, cool.. instead it just didn't make sense... it was stupid.

So after that weird fumble we get into modern day stuff and we see princess daisy's mom taking her to the church and shit. nothing wrong with this. And indeed as a kid watching this shit, it was actually pretty deep. The kinda real gritty way the egg breaks open and just the dark tone of the movie was really fantastic. I was over the moon that I was watching a SERIOUS super mario bros movie, not just a fucking silly shitty movie. It then BECOMES shitty. I read interviews about the production of the film and there was contant back and forth issues over the tone of the film, was it goign to be cartoonish and comedic or going to simply be smart and dark. And you can tell how they ended up kinda settling for somewhere in the middle. The movie is very serious and shit at points then it tilts to the other side of the tracks and becomes this cartoon episode of super mario super show.

So how much is wrong with this movie. A LOT.

The whole fucking story line with the merging dimensions was shitty. 

The whole weird blade runner future city rip off shit, where was that in the game? Yunno You play mario bros game and it's like you see clearly that he goes into a place that looks like full of mideival castles and very actual Miyamoto artistic flourishes, he loves nature, mario jumping around int eh woods beating up fucking goombas. So use that. Put mario and luigi in the woods, in the castle, not on the streets of some suido future brooklyn and shit, that was horrible the fact that not once does the movie LOOK at all like the goddamn game. They got the costumes right, but that's just not good enough...

Iggy and spike having so much fucking screen time. What was that about. They were like to me as a kid the worst part of the movie. They had too much exposure they weren't good or interesting characters, so I was kinda like just fucking hating them. And yeah they're from the game, sure but not like they were big characters in the game. It's like Toad having too much screen time. Toad is actually more of a fixture of the series than iggy and spike yet he gets a mini cameo and then is gone. yet for the whole fucking movie the guy from short circut is having a fucking goddamn ball and just all in our faces for half the movie. It just takes us away from the good stuff, mario, luigi, daisy, and their quest the drama, that's the central point of the movie, yet the movie decides to fucus (probably from studio interferrence) on the comedic antics of iggy and spike.

The jump boots. I have a love hate relationship with the fucking hydrolic pump shoes they sport in the movie. It's like what the fuck is that? You don't see that in the game. Certainly one of marios main attributes is that he can jump really high. So of course the movie people thought ok, lets give hm badass nikes with built in spring loaded boosters. But they don't make sense. Mind you, it was awesome that for no reason whatsoever they had rocket pump boots in the movie. But what are those things for? Who the hell needs to be fucking bouncing all over the place with that shit? It's just weird but I love it. I love the idea that they put some WEIRD stupid shit like that in the movie, and it's fucking werid to me. The thing that I was like a kid thinking about was why didn't they make use of the rocket boots more. Only one who sports them is Luigi because he's a badass. And he puts them on and uses them to jump all over the place and kick King Koopa's ass. Mario had them on for a while too but then takes them off I guess cuz he's stupid.

The score. If you were a 90s kid, you basically saw everything that Rob Zemeckis made back then whether on tv or on vhs. So you were well aware of the music style of Alan Sylvestri. So the score for this movie being practically identical to the scrore for Who framed Roger rabbit did it no services. It was just obvious as hell who was brought in to score the movie and he didn't change anything he played the same fucking notes and shit that he played in EVERY movie he's ever made and so besides that, there's really nothing unique about the Super mario movie score. It's same shit alan sylvestri usually brings to movies. So that's sucks. At least it would have been ok if say the movie score was its own thing but not very good. But sadly it's just regurgitated Alan Sylvestri on weed.

 So the movie is like a great little guilty pleasure. It's magnificent in its weirdness. It's a true masterpiece in making a movie with passion despite having none of the quality and talent on board that it needs to be good. It's a true unique film. Forever. It's never going to die, in my opinion, the sheer genius of the mario bros film. It's just terribly brilliant. Yunno? I've seen A LOT of movies like it, but nothing tops what they did with that movie and the sacrifices the cast members made to make it. It's all there on screen and the blood sweat and tears that went into finish that film and say whatever you want about it but they put a mountain of effort into making this really shitty mario bros movie.

And I'll always have a place for it in my heart since it's all good, really. The passion for mario is what makes the movie good. Despite it being superficially shitty, underneath it all, is a true love for mario and his universe. So I'll always feel like that aspect of the film makes it a classic.