I am not a Man. I am a Machine.

Ok, I'm gone. The future's never been more hopeful for me than it is now. I don't want to mess this up. This is my redemption story, a punk kid from the bronx, who blew his chance to get a college education, messed around on a message board and became hated by its members, then realized how important an education was, and was given a second chance. I can't mess this up now. For all the souls lost in the last few years, and for all the good I can possibly do with my life if given the chance, I have to sacrifice and struggle to win back my honor and worth as a person now. No more kiddie silliness. Men of all races are struggling right now to reclaim some dignity in a world that's decided they're no good. For the sake of the next generation, I'll likely become a role model for others to follow, and thusly must lead by example and not behave in a classless, stupid manner that so many other black men damn themselves into.

Certainly, yes, we do have the freedom to be anything we want to be in america, but so many kids see their only role models as stupid hood guys instead of the regular guy/nerd culture that I and many of my buddies were born into and therefore don't see education as a serious thing worth pursuing or else they'll be cast out of their gang. Like I said before, it's the boyz in the hood scenario. damned if you do, damned if you don't kind of thing. To clarify, the movie was about a young black college bound male who was caught up between the race relations within his community. This is something that still pursists to this day as stupidty consumes people and certain blacks have to go to war with themselves over whether getting an education is a good thing or just another form of suppression and control . truth is, it's a damn good thing. Stupid kids man, I'm on the b-ball court and there's this little kid there and he's the asshole of the group, the dumbass while all his friends are the more intelligent, level headed type. He'll likely end up in jail and drag a few of his friends with him. That's the kind of thing I'm talking about. Anyway, it's complicated stuff, race relations.

So yeah, I'm on the move, babay!! BOOOOOOOOOYAH! TAKE THAT, INTERNET!

Back to the kitchen

Women women women... I see hotties in the gym wearing low cut tops and tight shorts. oh I love the gym. It's spring time now and as I'm out in the world walking up and down and seeing the girls, they're as usual showing me just how much they're not a sex object by giving everyone an almost x-ray visual of their nude body by wearing shredded napkins for clothes. Little girls too. I have to try not to think dirty things when I see a 10 year old running around in a mini-skirt. Who the hell is she trying to attract?

Its going to be harder for me now to not get a girl pregnant as I keep working out more and more at the gym and become more attractive myself. I'm already bigger now that my muscles have recovered and yeah it's kind of nice to have girls checking me out for a change, I must say. usually I'm sitting in class, and can't focus on the lessons because the teacher's got some nice tits or the girl sitting next to me is barely wearing anything... ah, those were the days... The only reason to go to school was to see the girls.

I don't understand women and I don't think I ever will. a lot of young men online are in the same boat as me really, totally clueless about how to get girls. I THOUGHT that all i had to do was stick to the books and stay out of trouble, which I did. *shakes head* That makes things worse. Women will say again and again how much they want a nice guy who's not all about stomping on people whenever he can, but that's all bullshit, straight up, bullshit. That guy who's a psycho and ripped like arnold and could care less what anyone thinks of him, that's their dream man. Why? Simple. He's awesome in bed. The dork who knows every script revision of star wars or like I see all the time studies, is knowledgable, they hate him. Then whine when they're stuck with a jerk who doesn't care about him.

Another thing I'm sore over is how women don't take the risk of approaching men. This is how it happened in high school for me. Like i said, I'm handsome, so I've been granted with it seems a mixture of features that makes me look goddamn good when the lighting is just right, otherwise I look like a freak. So I'm just chillin at school and this nice looking little thang walks up to me and says some girl is interested in me and then giggles to herself and runs away. What the hell kind of way to get a boyfriend is that I'm wondering? Just ask me out. I don't know whether you're playing games, which is another thing women love to do. Just not long ago the women at my work place decided to play mind games with me and tell me that they'd get me a girlfriend, only to laugh in my face. I hope they die working that shitty job.

This I believe will all come back to bite women though. What was that golden rule? Treat others as you'd want to be treated? There ya go, girls. The more you treat us men like wallets, hit us because you know we won't fight back, continue to sit on your thumbs and wait for men to approach you since you know we have no choice, tease us, all that shit, we're going to do SOMETHING back. I don't know what, but it's not going to be pretty, that's for sure. I'm kind of thinking homosexuality is like a natural reaction to the way women have changed things now and are trying to play more of the male role. I don't know. I've recently drawn the conclusion that I can't be feminine and get away with it. My recruiter already hinted that I needed to man-up. None of that equality bullshit, I have to be a man and there's no getting around it, especially in the service. I'm glad. I have to say that having a real male role model in my life has really done some good. Being surrounded by women this and women that was going to get me no where in life, that's for sure.

I'm a little messed up

ugh, I can't concentrate. My mind's filled with sex cravings as I try to abstain from masturbation or any kind of sexual things. I want to be a faithful catholic now. I don't agree with all of the bible because I am a scientist now, so I'm going to place more emphasis on provable fact than faith. However, it appears that I'm at a point where I have to chose my own fate in a sense, whether it be continuing to be stuck in an endless cycle of porn or taking a leap of faith and TRYING to get off the stuff. I must say it's not easy as I thought it would be.

Ugh, I thought it was ok. yunno... but it's not. If you do it too much, it's just as bad as being addicted to any drug. I'm not going to go down being stuck with this addiction for the rest of my life. It's stupid to me to be consumed forever in this dark shroud of evil I guess you can call it that. I'm so tired though, I want to masturbate... I wish I knew how other people got over this. Yeah...

Bitches Part 2

I'm reading on feministing about how woman and men are valued as potential wives or husbands, and how men's value increases with more maturity and money, while woman's decreases with age. I can't believe how the little girls in the comments are crying foul over the mere thought that they're not as valuable later in life as they are in their late teens and early 20s.

Hi ladies! I'm 23! I'm a virgin and you know what? i'll be one until I'm about 30 or so and I have no choice but to accept that.

So get over yourselves you spoiled, selfish, little brats.

all you have to do is push your breasts together, walk around and have a billion men try to rape you. While I have to get a good job, build muscle, then desperately try to seduce a female at a bar or party or wherever. Stop whining, girls. Please...

I hate feminism. It's something I didn't learn about until I went to college and was being taught by a bunch of women about how women should be valued and respected, treated nice. Lol.

Every guy knows that women don't want a nice guy. they want the guy who's built like a tank or intellectually flies circles around them, but above all provides mind blowing sex. that's what you won't get taught at we-ripped-U-off-niversity.

I saw this fat girl working out at the gym one time. I applaud her. She's actually trying to make herself more appealing to the opposite sex, something we men have had to do forever. I might even try to pick her up, she seems like a tough girl, my kind of woman. Ah, fat girls who expect to be handed everything to them on a silver platter, good grief. I can't wait to see what kind of girls are in the airforce, yes. Strong, determined, in shape, the only problem is some of them are going to out of their minds since you have to kind of be to want to join the military... but oh well, they'll be hot so whatever.

Pain

Getting over addiction is nothing but pain. My head aches me, my body's weak from all the strenuous exercise I've put it through in the last few days, I'm not in a good place right now. I'm out and about more these days just checking out the neighborhood and stuff, like going by my old high school, its still the same hell hole it used to be, yet somehow I feel homesick away from it. I lived there for so long after all and I remember how life just made so much more sense when I knew where I was going day by day. Now I don't really know. I'm just drifting through life without much of a plan and I don't know whether I have what it takes to seriously be an airman. My father tells me that I'm not like him because he came from much tougher times and a much tougher upbringing. I disagree. The struggles i've gone through in my short ass 23 years of life, have been a lot more than a lot of folks can say they have and it's still going on to this day as I struggle to overcome porn addiction.

I have to comment on the amount of overweight people out there though. I've always been lean and muscular since I was inspired by rocky balboa, arnold, and later goku to get buff and because it's good to be healthy. Too bad I didn't know what I was doing earlier in life or I'd be a ripped up kind of guy right now. seriously stop drinking soda and don't over-exercise. I'm having to undo a lot of old habits now that have caused me to be all shitty at exercise. But damnit if I'm not kind of annoyed how I'm killing myself to get in better shape yet there's women walking around with what seems to be sacks of potatoes stuffed in their pants. Who could live like that? Exercise is not that hard especially these days now that we learned that rest is as important as hard work. used to be, people killed themselves working out and couldn't figure out why they weren't getting stronger while the guys who worked out less but chilled on the sofa more were getting bigger faster. sure it's still hard but not as hard as it used to be. That's progress for you.

I take the subway frequently. And because of that I notice the various gaps in social status between people of all backgrounds and it's somewhat a concern to me how blacks aren't typically the top business guy on the subway wearing his suit and such. Why is that, I wonder to myself. then I see as I ride the bus today just how many kids are into gangster culture, don't read, could care a fuck less about proving racists wrong. Sigh... So I'm thinking to myself why this is and a light bulb goes on in my mind. WOMEN.

Us men have only one goal in mind. Get that pussy.

If we have to, we'll do anything for it. If we have to become a top business man, we'll do it, if we have to become a dumbass gangster, we'll do it. If we have to become steve urkel, we'll do it.

I dare posit that if young black males were rewarded in any way for cracking a book open they'd all do it. But unfortunately if they do, most black girls will look the other way. Look at me. i read, I read and i read, and now I'm a 23 year old virgin so yeah, there ya go.

Life plan part 2

God bless America. I feel so excited about the unlimited possibilities that have been opened to me now with my enlistment, I'm so, aaaaaagh, I can't really perfectly articulate my joy, but you get it. yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!1 *Chest bump*

I just need to get over this sex addiction thing, build muscle, get through basic and then I'm done. Finally where I want to be all my life. I never NEVER thought it would happen. My father tells me that I have to pass it on, what opportunities I've been given, I have to give them to someone else. seems reasonable. I've always thought that way. This is a cruel unforgiving world, so of course a little goodness shared makes things just that much less crazy. I know if you treat people nice, many will give it back, but some don't... some people are just purely miserable and if that's the way they want to go down in life, ok.

I'm starting to feel it, all this power... ready to burst free and conquer any task. I am not a man. I am a machine, I told myself that in high school. It was that bad. I had to shut down my emotions to get through the day. Still, it toughened me up so I can't say it was all bad. Now I have to get back my balls to do this great last effort before finally achieving ultimate victory.

I wills train, go through 2 months and 3 days of basic training that will build me into a machine of a man.

I will then go to technical school, learn everything there is to know about electronics, computers, whatever.

I will be stationed at a base somewhere in japan I hope. I will learn the language as I've always planned. I will go to school on off duty time. In 2 years I will have earned an associates degree in my field whatever the hell it is. I'd like to go as far as a bachelors while enlisted but eh, I don't know if I'm strong enough for that. the thing about college is that it's not simply about making more money, not at a good college anyway. It's about training leadership for the next generation and yeah you think a guy like me could ever lead anyone? hardy har har.

I don't know... f'n 23. I never saw what my life would be like after 18, nope. There is a God. No doubt in my mind now... how's a dork like me get this far in life honestly?

Perez hilton Vs that hot religious girl

this is truly, I'd say, an excellent example of current political battles occurring within all communities throughout the united states, whether they be black, white, religious, non-religious. We have to find something to quarrel about, us humans... It'll never end.

Perez hilton is gay, what many today consider the new black people. Though I'd trade my left nut to be perez hilton with his blue eyes and peach skin tone. I'm lucky in the sense that I can pass for spanish under the right circumstances and that's about it. The overwhelming stereotype of blacks as stupid gangsters will follow me well into my military career and beyond it, I'm sure while perez can walk freely as a gay man without worrying about anyone thinking less of him. In fact, I've noticed throughout my travels the last few years that a lot of gay black men are more appreciated I guess than your jive talkin alpha male type. Man, this world is weird.

Anyway, I'm discovering more and more that white people are not all on the same page. I didn't know this in high school. i thought they all hated us, not so. They hate each other more than they'll ever hate black people. We're still a nuisance under certain circumstances, especially the education thing, but otherwise it's become fully clear to me that the new war isn't between races but between religious and non-religious people.

I grew up going to church. I attended a catholic school. I do believe there's SOME kind of greater power at work, but the contradictory nature of school life began to be something worthy of notice once I really got into serious puberty and started to question why my body was craving something that my religion taught me to deny. Why was it that people divorced when marriage was supposed to be permanently binding? Why is it that I'm learning physics one minute and learning the teachings of the Jesus the next?

Turns out that I was just caught up in the many conflicting view points of the older generation over what should or should not be taught in schools. I think simply you should teach what's most beneficial to the child in their life since those years before puberty are golden and the kid can fully concentrate on school work without thinking one way or the other like I am now with my sex cravings. But so many disagree and so we get kids who aren't being pushed to their limits these days and getting taught stuff they'll soon forget and likely never need. Seriously I'm starting everything from scratch now when I could have been miles ahead if I only learned the right way to be a healthy young adult back around 17 or so.

The school system is garbage really. Don't put all your faith in it. It's just a technicality until you finally get out of it and into society where you learn everyone's just trying to survive, not trying to do something amazing with their life and if you're willing to work, you're their best friend.

Back to my original thoughts on religious vs non-religious. I don't think anyone takes the bible THAAAAAAAAAT seriously that they're going to condemn gay people and stuff. The bible does say that women belong beneath men and should obey them. I think you have to, just like with all of life, just not worry too much about every little detail being in place. Nobody is perfect. Religions main philosophy is in my view, just that, that we're imperfect and need to remember that, be humble. Well I ain't ghandi so I'm not going to go on too long. I've read some of his writings, he's just great. I love what he's trying to achieve, peace, but all the stuff I've seen in my life has lead me to believe that's impossible. People are animals, and animals fight for survival any way they can, in my view. Even Athiests have to recognize that to be true.

My personal war

My faith has lead me back to this blog, sigh, though I don't have anything left to put here really. It's become aggravating, I must say, to be so clueless about sex in this point in my life. I understand this much from my perspective, that some people learn it faster than others. Those who do, often look down on those who did not and think that everyone should have done it by a certain time simply because they did. Views on what's right or wrong about sex are as varied and controversial as debates over political or religious views, which is silly to me because as humans we all have this sex thing in common. This is undeniable, though yes, some of us don't have sex because we're asexual, but that will never be the norm or majority in life since we must procreate to keep surviving as a species.

I just don't get it. The more I try and try to quit masturbating, the more i crave it and subsequently can't get over it until I've ejaculated, then the next day the cycle continues. I go out sometimes and I see women with their breasts on display, even high school girls, putting all their shit out there for all to see and I'm just losing my mind. I love the collar bone are on girls, looks just beautiful and silky smooth. Legs too, and the asses sometimes if they work out, it looks just right. I'm at the gym more these days busting my ass HARD to get fit for basic training now and the women there are GOD DAMN! I can't believe I didn't get a gym membership sooner. you can just sit back and watch all these fit honies come in looking like they're right out of a playboy magazine. I will enjoy the airforce women. I will definitely enjoy the airforce women.

Still i'm frustrated as hell and it's nice to get that out there. Oh I deploy for basic on july 28. God help me.

What doesn't kill you

This is really my final post. As an airman, I have to take life seriously now, begin training my body for combat, and all that shit. No doubt when I get inside, I'll find out how it really is in there, like how there are several vids on youtube about airforce life that expose its rather ordinary boring everyday kind of life style. Whatever, I'll take that over being a luggage monkey for the rest of my life. I have to remember though that this journey I'm about to take isn't all about me. I have to look after my ass, that's for sure, since nobody else will... but I didn't do this because Oh I want to wear a neato riffic uniform and get the ladies. I'm seriously wanting to give back to this GREAT nation. I love the USA above all and am absolutely willing to die for it.

I've been through a lot these past 3 years since I left college. I'm not the same guy I used to be, no sir. I've been tested it seems, by some power out there, maybe as a way of seeing how much I really can take. I don't know. I've read books and watched movies about people who've been through hell and find some way of fighting back to a good decent life. I'm so exausted though, all the battling, it's drained me, having to struggle with my family, with the internet, with people, damn and after all the dust clears away I'm standing alone, feeling worn out but at peace with myself for I know I'm better for having survived those trials.

Yet there's still more to come. I dunno, I've never really dealt with racism face to face before. My father has and he's like, whatever, just going to live and let live, not going to go doing anything to stir the pot. My family's really well off tho. My mother and father both worked for the government when they were younger, so I guess they've been given some assistance over other blacks. On that subject, I'm at a crossroad. The thing about white kids is that they're a bit egocentric in that they sometimes assume blacks who are well spoken, read, study, have a brain in any way are just "posers" not acting the way they're expected to behave. So what happens if I put my ass to work and actually push myself to achieve, what is that going to do but give off the impression that I'm just trying to act white? What kind of world are we becoming now anyway? Are black kids going to wake up to the reality that they're only hurting themselves by not using all the educational resources that are wide open to them? Hell I'm guilty of this myself in that I assumed stupidly that I didn't belong to the same world as my white classmates and therefore didn't think I could actually compete with them. I was dumb and I have to accept that. I was a racist.

Kids, there's no great secret the white people have. They're people. They work hard in school and get good jobs. It's not a big secret how that happens. All blacks have to do is work for what they want and stop buying into a big conspiracy that the white race wants to somehow hurt you by teaching you stuff that'll make you a smarter person. Truth is, they're stupid too and are constantly trying to teach each other things. really, we're all human no matter what our appearance is all I'm saying.

A'ight then, Peace out internet. Gotta go.

I'm black yall

I nearly sinned today. I was just sitting here, then booted up youtube, almost involuntarily searched for bikini contests, and started pumping my penis into my mattress to two beautiful jiggling tits. I think to myself while I'm doing it, there's nothing wrong with this, it's just natural bodily function like breathing, like eating, like pooping, like peeing, but I stopped myself anyway. I thought about what kind of logical explanation I could think of that would counter those points. Well we constantly create saliva but we don't spit all the time. Because we produce blood doesn't mean we need to bleed. There are things we can control about our body if we want to. But if I were to say try to stop urinating forever, I couldn't do it. Is it possible to stop masturbating. I fear that I'll live with this problem for the rest of my days. I feel like it's causing me to get mentally drained as if it really is an addiction similar to cigarrettes, so that when you quit, you have nothing left to think about but that craving. I'm young. I'm sexy. I should be having fun, but I'm not. All I can think about is sex.

And I'm thinking girls think about sex too but then I don't see any who want to actually do anything about it except put some cleavage out and hope the boys come to them. Damn, I'm wishing I was just a kid again, no puberty nonsense to worry about. Kids just don't know how good they have it do they? My sis tells me that I'll have kids. What the hell? With whom? And who says I want any? They're horrible. Really, look at me. I'm in a lot of ways a typical male growing up. I loved digging through the dirt to find buried treasures and playing with worms and burning ants with a magnifying glass. I loved electronics and figuring out how they worked and creating super cool scifi gadgets from my toys. I still love that stuff and will once I'm in the airforce give it my all when I'm inside to master my craft, whatever it may be. Wow I'm getting excited just thinking about the possibilities. Me, a PHD in physics and astronomy? YESSSSSSSSSSSSSS!!! YESSSSS YESSS YESSSSS!!! Oh yesss.

But I'm black yall.

Racism's going to no doubt be an obstacle. Hell I was just working this dinky job and a few white dudes decided to joke around with me by assuming I'm into street thug life style. Why do that to me, black people? I'm a nerd, always have been always will be and I'm proud of it. Why give white people the impression that all of us are from that side of life? They control the world, so yall can't be messing things up for the rest of us now...

Don't get me wrong though, I love white people. Like I said long ago, I had white neighbors, made friends with white kids and classmates and no doubt will find common ground with a white airman when we both go through basic training. Don't even get me started on white girls.... Jesus, oh man. It's hard enough talking to black girls. Oh let me tell you. there was this white girl at target who was flirting with me and I was just losing my shit... I couldn't do it, I know I'm handsome, but I don't know I just don't feel worthy of being so close with something so damn hot... Alright, whatever, time to man up now. I'm the MAN now, I'm supposed to be the catch, not them. they should be desperate for me to come and talk to them.

Staying at Home

I'm reading online about "boys adrift" the new concern of pop psychologists so they can sell more books, but it's a true issue, one that I actually am embodying right now. The script I was supposed to follow, I didn't. Go to college, finish, be in thousands of dollars of debt, come home afterwards and find a job, then dedicate my life to the job and pay off my debt while living nice and comfy on my fat corporate paycheck. Then get married, and pop out babies...

Ah but they don't tell you this part.

Then you get divorced as your wife takes half your money, then whatever x amount of your monthly earnings. You live forever then as a bank account for your woman. It's how my father lives and he's got it worse than me having a mental disorder.

So I'm there at college thinking about what the fuck I'm doing, and I know it's just not for me. I'm not in the major I want, I was told to do it. I was told to be here. I was told that I'd die if I didn't do what they wanted. so I left. I made a few mistakes after leaving though, I got addicted to this internet message board. Funny thing though soon after I left, around a year later, I said, Ok it's been long enough, time to go find a job at retail or something and just bust my ass there making enough to pay off my loans and just survive on my own. then my stupid sister comes in and tells me it's ok if I just live at home forever, to just relax and don't worry. her real aim was to get me to go see a psychologist, also a woman, who'd tell me how to be a man somehow although she'll never know.

I was struggling with masturbation, shaving, overcoming net addiction, and having to worry about that loan, all too much. I mentally broke down from all the stress and so they tried unsuccefuly to kill me as a way of satisfying their hatred for me. still I persisted. I wasn't afraid of getting a job so I could live off the job. I knew I'd end up doing a job some day. I knew I'd be able to get into the military if I wanted to since the military needs guys like me. So what was the rush? No one was holding a gun to anyone's head, saying that it's bad for someone to gather their bearings before tackling life's challenges first. You'd be stupid not to plan before going out and handling business.

Staying at home instead of losing my mind with worry at college was the best decision i ever made. Yes it had its bad side and I'm still fucked up a bit from it, but I learned more about myself by doing it than i would have sitting in a classroom, being told what to think about the world by some old fart who doesn't know anything about today's youth nor cares beyond how much he's getting paid or what tenure he can gain.

What did I learn?

How to shave. It's essential for young men to learn this properly. so many don't, and no one helps them. Thank God I had the internet, that's all I can say.

Women are whores. Not ALL. But yep, if you've got a job, that's the first thing they'll like about you. As a naive highschool kid I thought that girls were just men with boobs, treat them like it, lol not so. They're a strange animal.

Money is everything. Everything. Food, shelter, transportation. A degree doesn't even necessarily equal more money. my brother for instance, in and out of rikers, but he learned electronics while inside. Makes good money. Jobs don't care if you're a criminal. Can you DO the job? And look at him now. Makes more than me and he never finished high school. lol what a world. If you can learn a second language, or computer coding, or stock market stuff on your own, do it. You'll get the job over someone who's got a major in psyche or some bullshit.

Do you. Two beautiful words. Don't ever try to please everybody.... it'll only amount to complete failure. trust me.

I'm now an Airman in the United States Airforce.

Bitches

I'm done with women. The moment I realized that I was at a disadvantage compared to girls, I sat there shocked, lost, confused. I mean what the hell. I'm not going to go ask a bunch of strangers if I can get their number and such. But no, that's what people expect because that's just thir modus operandi or whatever. If you don't comply with their expectations you're a faggot.

No. I'll be a smart person about this and just not give a fuck about girls anymore. They DO love not having to put a bit of effort into getting what they want from men. Yep. I just want to be what i think I should be, a nice, caring person towards another person, and have someone to be friends with, who you can also have sex with too. Why do I have to go kill myself having to ask a billion girls first just to get with one? Where's the equality in that shit?

Welcome to the real world. I really hate women now. Not in a serious way but in recognition of their deceitful ways. me? i'm going into the military, going to become a science guy, work hard and do all that shit I planned to do, gonna be rich probably though i could care less about money. Then when the time finally comes and a woman's going to be begging on her knees for me to be her sugar daddy, I'll just laugh. I can't wait....

Life plan

Cool, cool. I'm doing good. I'm just waiting for basic training now. Quit the job, just living man, eating my cereal, just living...

The noteworthy thing about me is that I know when to take a minute to think before acting. Really look at my situation and marvel at its brilliance. I'll be 23, an airman, traveling the world, not tied down to anyone, getting paid to do everything I've ever dreamed of doing in life. the only downside being the potential to get killed and such. Which I don't really mind since I've got nothing to lose. It's the painful bullet that worries me.

Still I think part of this was God's will and another part just me recognizing that it's better to not be some 23 year old guy struggling to provide for his kids or pay rent or whatever, when I can do something else. Listen internet, I know how the world is now. It's garbage. It's all a bunch of garbage. People don't care about each other the way you kids might think they do. They're looking out for their own ass. Yes there's a few good ones here and there but they're rare. People will expect you to get married, work corporate, not because they're thinking of YOU but because they're thinking of the low percentage of blacks with degrees or whatever. I'll get 10 degrees if I don't have to get into serious debt for them!

Uh uh, I ain't having no debt on me when I can't even get a girlfriend. Look at the internet. It's fuming with young men like me who are PIIIIIIIISSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSED Off about how they're just being broomed to the side in life, put to work, expected to be rejected a billion times before finally landing a fat chick who's just nice enough to let you fuck her fatty folds. I'm not going to settle, no sir. This thing about women abusing their priveleges is no joking matter and we have to put our foot down on it or else it's going to get out of control, gentlemen. If we are expected to go die in wars, get jobs we hate to provide for our women and children, get beat the hell up at school, I think MAAAAAAAAYBE we deserve a little bitty bit spoot of sympathy. No?
Not even a thanks for providing for us, protecting us, giving your all for us? Such is the life of a man.

I'm so done with masterbation

Ok. I'm 23 now, soon to be an airman. i promised myself I'd quit if I got in. I got in, and I'm quitting. I'm starting a new life now. I started masterbating at 14. So it's been 9 years now. At first I just thougt I wet the bed, then I discovered later on that it was like this drug I needed to have so I did it as much as I could, then went back to videogames or whatever I used to do. At around 17 things changed, man. I couldn't do it like I used to, not at the same frequency anyway, but I still enjoyed it. Then I grew older and it began to be painful to do it. I started researching online about it to figure out what went wrong. College was even harder because I had all these sex urges but didn't know what to do with them. So I dropped out and decided I'd take care of this problem. 3 years later, and the problem isn't fixed. I have no answer. I've tried to stop cold turkey, went 21 days without it straight, then got a glimpse of some titty and went to town. I'm currently at a point where I'm hating women and how they have it so easy now, since they can get sex whenever they want just by bending over. I read online too about people my age who are going crazy because they've tried and tried to find a girlfriend but just can't. I've been out of reality for a while, right, so I go to work after struggling to find a job all through 2008 and I discover people younger than me who've gone and had girlfriends and are bored with that side of life already, and so they're putting me down because of it. It's bad to be me right now. The shitty thing about being a 23 year old virgin is that you're expected to be a grown ass adult who's playing the adult role by now, job, sex life, taxes, talks politics, votes. I think that's all good stuff, but can I please get over my teenage angst over sex yet first? Yeah my sister's right. I'm better off starting college over from scratch and getting with a fresh out of highschool 18 year old girl who's not knowing shit either about sex or real life issues, lord knows I see tons of them on the subway and have no idea what their ages are so I can't really pursue or get into trouble with the law. It's rough, internet. I'll be in the military though with tons of girlies my age so whatever. they're into a first timer I hope...

Are Videogames art?

Are pixar movies art?

What a silly thing to argue. Of course they're art and they're the future of entertainment. I'm a genius after all I guess.

oh me oh my

I forgot I was supposed to end this blog. I'm just bored, watching porn and doing nothing while I wait for basic training. Gonna quit this job now. I'll stay in the airforce forever. What else am I going to do anyway? Work at target? lol. I'll learn more about good nutrition, and whatever else in there than I ever will out here in this supposed free society. Women are free, men, uh uh... we're tied down to a job forever. And if I'm forced to work, I'd rather do something I love which is military life. I still can't believe I got in... Me? I'm Richard, that guy who's supposed to have killed himself by now because he's had nothing going for him all his life. But now I'm doing it, finally doing it... I only wish I had someone to share my happiness with, that's the only thing bugging me, but no matter... no matter. I can finally say with confidence that I'm happy about something for once... haven't done that in a long while...

Am I a Genius?

Yes and no. I kinda figured that out after sitting around bored as hell at college, then from my research on who geniuses are online, goes by the beat of their own drum (check), drop out of college (check), creative (check), socially awkward and erratic (yep) high sex drive (BIG YES). The thing I wonder though is what am I supposed to do with my big ass brain? I've been told the sky is the limit, loooooooooooooooooooooool, whatever... I think that geniuses don't know they're geniuses, so that disqualifies me from the club, internet. Whenever I'm called stupid, although it hurts, I know that if I wanted to, I could learn ANYTHING. Fast. You'll see... Once I'm pass basic training, you'll all see what kind of a beast I really am.

Fear itself

I'm afraid. I'm afraid I'm not smart enough to survive the airforce. I'm afraid that when I get there, I'll fuck up like I sometimes do. My head aches me. My body is a little worn out. I know I've got to survive on my own now any way and if it's the airforce, it's the airforce I do it in. I am starting to dream again about having a good future for myself and my wife and kids and all that. But I'm afraid that stuff won't happen, then what, I fail, go back to being a loser forever. damn. My head hurts so much. Ok, just baby steps for now. I'm going to go step by step until I'm back to who I want to be. First step being, overcoming my internet addiction. I can't do two things at once, be an airman and be constantly thinking about the internet.

This is goodbye. Forever. Where I'm going, I'm going all the way now.

Service before self

I'm making another blog post despite not wanting to continue this. I just have to comment on my current attitude. I'm getting cocky now. I'm developing this holier than thou mentality as if now that I'm an airman, I'm this super guy now who's better than average citizens. That's not true. I'm a servant, to America, to its values, and to its people, it's oh so wonderful people ;) . I chose this and I have to accept it.

I did a stupid thing. I got a call from best buy because they wanted to employ me, but I blabbed off compulsively that I was on DEP. Delayed enlistment program. Ugh, live and learn. When you go telling employers that you're not fully available, the last thing they'll do is go out of their way to hire you. You have to play like a dog, hungry for a bone.

Ok, I guess this is my final post. I made a mistake and now I've lost the opportunity to work at best buy while waiting for deployment for basic training. Idiotic, and now I'll go to my crappy airport job again like the idiot I am. I have to grow up, damnit. I want to stop being so foolish.

Mission Accomplished

:) I am officially enlisted in the United States Military.

Oh fuck, what now... Well, I'll be ending this blog now as I go concentrate fully on military life. I'm so damn shocked that I got in, I can't even figure out what to think. It's up to me now. Become the man I want to be, or continue to live in fear forever.

See ya, internet. It's been sort of fun. Nah it was hell. I'm going to go get laid.