Dreams

I had a dream last night. It was about the death of my father. I imagined what I'd think about when it happened for real. He's already dead, whatever disease he has has turned him into something that isn't human anymore. He just exists.

I just exist too. I have no reason to live except porn, food, and the internet. A pretty powerful combination in the end.

I'm not afraid to live in this world without my parents. Not anymore... I know how to survive, the question is why... All my days I've been stuck doing things I didn't want to do, learn abcs, complext math, reading, and when I got to my life long dream joining the military, I'm told to get married. What a joke...

No shit, having a girlfriend would be awesome, but it's too late for me. I'm at a point now where I don't even think I can make that kind of connection to a female ever again, though I remember I did once. I see pretty girls everywhere but I dare not go near them for fear of the law or any other numbers of problems like babies etc. I realize now that women are stupid and don't know what they want in life. Me, I just want sex. They want everything. Everything.

We have laws in this society but who cares about them. What to do with your life.. art makes the most sense to me, but art is dangerous. It's very dangerous. You have to be tough to handle creativity or it can destroy you. I got so immersed in my desire to be the best artist ever, I blew it all up on myself and lost my sanity, but sigh... it was spectacular while it lasted.