OCD is over...

I found it. Yunno, I wish I didn't. I was just about to say to myself, it's over, move the fuck on idiot. And I was. On one hand I'm elated, I worked hard for a week at least scoured every video in my history to stumble upon it. On the other, this just makes the next time I OCD mean I'll have reason to do it again to get that deeply lost in it again. I've actually had bouts of OCD where I didn't find the shit and let it go and moved on, IT HURTS, for us with OCD it is not at all just a brush the dust off moment, it's like losing a limb. In that case I used it as a life lesson, you can't always win such and such. I was prepared to accept it, say yeah, life goes on without you and your drama, dumbass. Indeed it does. Planes fly, trains depart, people go, people come, business goes round and around. None of those things care about my personal hang ups.

I hope I'm stronger in the future that's all. I did it, I put the last piece of the puzzle into place and now I can move on confidently but still I feel stupid as shit for having gotten so dramatic about it and feeling like I'm about to fall off a cliff to my doom.

The real problem with OCD is that it feels like your standing over the abyss of death. Your life having meant nothing, and all that stuff you experienced meaningless since it can be gone and forever lost in a flash, so you want to prove otherwise, you want to prove your life does have significance or else it's true you're just a spec of dust on a cosmic scale and you suck.

I do suck. I don't want to believe it, but I do. I'm nobody. I go struggling with OCD nonsense to prove otherwise, but it's inevitable and true. I'm not a big guy. Nobody cares about me, and my life will mean nothing when I kick the bucket.

So what? I swear, it's just awkward and foolishness and honestly. You know what it really is. If I had a right good pair of tits in my face I wouldn't be OCD at all, I can guarantee you that shit brother...

Like, if I had the ass to grab, the angelic cute little face of a beautiful girl, the potential to fall in love, would I be going ape shit over this nonsense? You bet your ass hell no I wouldn't... I'm just alone and this is what people who are alone do, go crazy.

Aigh, indeed... I'm still trying to figure out why my OCD was so bad this time. Usually I don't go this deep with it. It bothers me but it's not to this level where I can't function and I crumple up and fall to pieces because of it. Why was this so intense this time? It's scary to wonder if it's an escalation of it with advancing age or something more complex. I guess it's mathematical. I had an equation swirling around in my head I couldn't solve and my semi-photo memory wasn't able to conjure up even a few clues as to the origin of the video and I was stumped and usually I'm not stumped, I can use my deduction to figure out what my memory once was or if I simply pull up the feeling I can see it with my very clear powerful visualization. This time I like put in a request for the images and visuals and got zip and figured well it's just a glitch in my memory I'll figure it out with time and yunno, indeed my mind found clues to what it was. It was a video of the guy, it was a male voice over the clip, it was a commentary being made about the guy's style being anti norms of society, so using those clues I looked for it and it was like to me only a matter of time before I hit it, most likely something to do with directors or actors who bucked the trends of society etc.

I was correct. The video I was about exactly those things. But striking as hell that it took this long this much effort to find it. And AFTER I gave up and said, just move on...

Not the first time. I've had this same bullshit in the past. Gave up on something, then kept obsessing over it and got lucky and found it. Yunno what's funny. Right now today, can't remember wtf I was looking for back then. There's the punch line.

Oh well, all I know is that it's time to get back to work with a lot less psychological baggage to deal with..... if you read all this psychotic meltdown shit I wrote, my deepest apologies.