The path ahead of me

I'm just waiting now. I swear if I get into the military I'll make everything right again. It'll be the hardest thing I'll ever do but I'm willing to make the sacrifices to do it in order to rectify all the bad things I did. We all make mistakes but you can't make mistakes when you're in my skin, never, since that's all people see, just another dumb nigger. White people will be standing there with pitch forks ready and Aryan nation sign etc in the future and in some ways I feel like I deserve that kind of treatment after behaving like a fool for so long... really though, I'm just scared for myself. I'm scared... I have NO ONE. I go out there and it's just me sitting on the train, just me working my job, just me all alone. I've never felt so alone until now. When you're young you can't possibly imagine the loneliness of standing there on a train platform waiting to go to the end of your miserable life.

At school I didn't have friends because I couldn't bring them into my wacky world with a crazy father like mine. I had to keep people out of my life. Online, I could sort of have friends without all the drama that comes from having real relationships. I guess that's why I developed my addiction to it. It's the easier way. In real life, you have to actually be on your toes, watch your own ass out there, and do what ever is necessary not to step in poop, but online you can do whatever you want and get away with it... ah, man I wish sometimes I could just end it all.

On top of that I have some kind of porn addiction or some crap. I guess I over did it with the porn. Now I feel like I'm dying if I don't masterbate. I don't know what to do but try to just not do it. I wish I knew what I was doing damnit.

And the sad stuff is that I'm just a statistic. Black males usually don't make it to college graduation and the big problem is just this, we don't get sex education. I figure the airforce will teach me some valuable stuff since they do have a sex ed course. And i'm just so old now, heh, it's hard to adjust to adulthood when I'm still, 1. growing a beard, 2. learning about sex, 3. figuring out all those Ps and Qs stuff that people love to engage in online, some kind of lawyer speak or some stuff. I don't care about that right now, nor politics. Why? I'm still way too horny to care. I could try to settle into a good political debate but the only thought running through my mind is "I want to screw Michelle Obama."

Oh well, that's the challenge I think. I love a challenge. And the greatest reward is overcoming it, being a real man and stuff. I want that, I hunger for it. I want to know I'm a real man. But this is just scary shiiiii. Why oh why did I have to be black? Why not indian or spanish? I look in the mirror and I just know, just absolutely know the first thing people will think when they see me is, moron, idiot, dolt, etc. And they do. And I'm hurt because I worked hard in school, only to discover it wasn't enough and never will be.

Sigh. Either 2 things will happen now. I'll succeed or fail trying. I will not go down without a fight.

More stuff and stuff

I'm back from work. I work all day, people. aaAAAAAAAAAAALLLL day. I guess it's the price I have to pay for not finishing school. I work from 10am to 9 pm to show you how laborious this stuff is. My job's pretty boring most of the time though. I guess you'd call it a blue collar job. I load mail onto belts, pack it into stuff, drive tugs, bla bla bla and then I go home. I get paid low but I don't mind it because I'm not a big spender. I just want enough to buy a car at this point...

I have some advice for the kids if there are any reading this...

Don't get hooked on the internet. it'll mess you up badly.

Drink Water! I'm losing weight for my airforce enlistment and the recruiter told me to just drink water for a few weeks and the pounds have been dropping off FAST. I feel better too. Who knew all that sugary juice I was always drinking was causing me to be such a lard ass. If you're fat and don't know why, that's the reason. I'll never drink sugary stuff again. Isn't that such crap? Why are we slowly killing ourselves when there are healthier alternatives right there in front of us?

What else...

Shaving. No one taught me to shave so I had to take off an entire year to teach myself. For blacks, your beard will grow in curls like your hair and cause ingrown hairs which are so stupid. I was so ashamed of the way I looked because my face was all nasty looking, but I researched online how to shave. Seriously this was like in depth scientific research. I was determined to fix my face because I knew there was a way. Why are other black men perfectly well shaven? So I found out you have to "shave with the grain." Feel how your hair grows out on your face and shave in that direction, not against it. Use aloe vera gel too to help fight skin inflamation and voila, done. I wish it didn't take a whole year to learn how to shave, but I have awful parents... Like I said my father's so messed up mentally...

Lastly:

Have fun NOW. You might be thinking you have to work your butt off so you can finally relax later in life, but it's not true. You'll never be given a break. And the way the world works is that by the time you do get a break you're too old to enjoy your life anyway. I never went to parties because I thought it was beneath me. Boy was I wrong. It's essential to build social skills and stuff. I look like a clean gentlemen and women come up to me thinking I'm some suave guy or some stuff but what's really going on in my mind is that I don't know what to f'n say. I'm just a goofy doofy big phony and their prettyness makes me all nervous. I wish I knew what to do... Learn it young son.

:)

I'm naked right now.

Stuff and Stuff

I'm done eating some dinner. I wonder if anyone reads this blog... I'm going to tell the internet my story since I have no friends and I'm just so bored and who cares about me anyway. I'd like to go meet JP and Lobo at the comic con thing but I think they don't like me. Let me go ask them.

Ok I did.

I just took some asprin for my masterbation headache stuff. It numbs the pain somewhat. I've been trying to teach myself about sex for the past few years and I still don't know what I'm doing. Yet everywhere I go people think since I'm handsome I've been with a billion girls already. You kidding me? they always tease me and mess with me then you know whatever... I don't like the gold digging ones now that I'm older. And then I learn that this big fat stupid lump I've been talking about at work has already had a girlfriend and is now deciding he doesn't want to pursue that now. For the love of jesus...

So I'm just your average black guy who grew up on white people's turf more or less. I know very little about black history or culture outside of slavery and some current racial problems out there such as the education situation. I'm really just another black college dropout, yays for me, heh. But I'm a fighter too. I know this. When I'm pushed, I push back, always. But I do have my limits and need to figure out and strategize my plan for survival in this hell of a world. I'll do the airforce thing if and or when I'm allowed to enlist. I'd be in there already if it wasn't for the stupid technicality. You see, I have to wait for them to review my medical history and that'll take an entire month to get done. Nothing gets done fast in the government unless it's to cover their own asses, but that's another issue...

I'm so tired of fighting. I really just want to relax but I can't. I feel like I have to do something or else I'll be doomed in some way. It's like how Vegita's so jealous of goku, he always keeps training. That's how that blimp at work is. Whenever I say anything, he's quick to argue the opposite regardless of whether it's any point to doing so... He just wants to prove he's smarter than me. I don't care if you are. You're still a loser for one thing, and who really cares? We're both black. This is why I hate black people. All this love of peace is a scam. Blacks are just as bad as any human being is. I learned that in chess club for the first time. Oh let me tell you all this. I aspired to be an astronaut so I wanted to lean more towards the intellectual side of high school rather than the physical stuff. So I did indeed join chess club. I stayed for a year but there was this smart ass young guy, just a kid, who was unbelievably gifted, but a cocky little bitch to deal with, always condescending, always going out of his way to scewer me though I did nothing to him. What the hell for I wondered? Was this just his general attitude? This is a catholic school I thought. We're supposed to cohere to the teachings of jesus, do whatever to be more like him, but here I am just being slaughtered by mr know it all. I feel so bad for wanting him to be lynched by now. I'm thinking the last thing intelligent blacks would do is waste their time degrading other blacks but eh, I learned the hard way that evil knows no limits of race.

A guy at work said people are the same wherever you go. I believe that. No where are we ever going to have peace, we can only hope to have bits of peace after the dust settles from war. Such is life.

Plan of attack

So I was wrong about high school being enough. It's not.

I'll need to plan my life for the next 2 years of active duty in the airforce before I get enough money to finish school.

So let's plan this stuff:

Reading. I'll need to read more and more books to exercise my mental muscle. What I have is ok but definitely not enough to tackle all that racism crap I'll have to deal with.

Breaking news: I'm reading on cnn now about a black family and how this guy killed his family after he lost his job. God why would you do that, guy? Take innocent kid's lives? Set them up for adoption... Give them a chance, you fool. I can't believe this. This just kills me... maybe I will become a teacher or some kind of councelor for troubled kids. I know it'll be a rough as hell life but I hate seeing kids suffer. There's too much of that going on out there.

I don't know, something and stuff...

Obama, better where a bullet proof vest

I hope Obama doesn't get killed. His winning of the election has for the first time in a long time united the world in a common hope for peace. The only thing left is for him to prove himself. Unfortunately with every president, they always break their lofty and often unrealistic promises. The economy is going downhill fast, though I don't fully understand all the mechanics of that, and I personally need to save up whatever money I make at my job for the future. I guess I was fortunate not to have a hefty debt on my shoulders after college. I'll definitely get my education. After seeing how smart people are online it's become even more of a concern to me to become like those guys. Everybody loves a black college grad don't they... Don't get shot obama.

Undying spirit of man

I've decided to get off my ass and go jogging now. I have to say though that I hate masterbation. My sister said it's normal but something's not right with this. If I stop, I feel like crap then if I do it, I feel good for about a minute then my brain starts aching on the left side, like there's numbness in it. I don't understand it but it's been like that for a long while. I'm worried that I'm developing my father's mental disorder which through my research I've learned is hereditary.

Sucks don't it, I think. Being black and then having to deal with potential psychotic stuff. That's why I'm never too serious. I know there's more serious things to worry about out there and I like to lighten the hell up about life rather than always get into drama over every flappin thing.

Let me tell you about my dad.

He has schizophrenia. That means he hallucinates, changes personalities, etc. And he's the toughest son of a bitch I will ever know. I respect him but I can never tell him how much because he's such a jerk about everything. If he wasn't so damn mean I'd like to get to know him better because he's lived. He's got experience, so much to teach, but when it comes down to it I can't talk to him without feeling kind of ashamed of him. He's just weird. Anyway that's all there is to that. Yeah...

The internet is for porn

So I'm currently scouting the internet determinedly searching for the finest porn out there on my day off from work. About work, it's not that bad, I just don't really see how great having a job is. If you can survive, just survive, don't work. If I had a choice I'd live in the woods, just living, enjoying nature and the peace it brings. I'll have to watch that into the wild movie or read the book since I can identify with wanting to get away from the pressures of civilization. Sure he's a white guy but that doesn't matter. All of us men are pressured to be the pillars of civilization because who else is going to do it? Women, I love you, but you're killing us with all these demands and complaints. I'd love to not work or have to build muscle to protect my girl, but if I was to say that to a woman, she'd walk off. So I have this vision of myself as a lumber jack kind of guy, grilling steaks, having a full beard, and cutting down trees and just living life well. What are we all doing? We're competing for a chance to have the most money before we die or what? I don't know... Maybe that simple guy at work who's just doing his own thing in life, not giving a shiz about what anyone thinks of him is the real genius.

I'm a spoiled brat in a lot of ways so I feel guilty for taking my life and dedicating it to the internet, but in another sense I was at a point in my life where I was feeling so lost that of course I just went with what I knew best and did what's called recidivism when you go back to an early stage in your life and I was an internet junkie at an early age. My conclusion therefore is that I'm better off staying out of the way online in the future since it's worse than real life. Out here you can defend yourself with a gun if you have one. Not so online. People will eat you alive and just not care. Good grief you guys.

I don't know. Maybe it should be that way. Maybe it should be a place for only certain people to talk for continued educational purposes. The Internet is becoming college in a sense I guess. Nowadays instead of sitting in a classroom discussing why this or that should be a certain way, people just do it online. People can if they so choose live online. I remember someone actually did that back when Tech TV was the best channel ever created. I WANT IT BACK! Oh that was cool. I remember how he was the first guy to live online, have everything delivered to his doorstep, etc. I wonder if we'll end up being like that. I will not live online myself. Too dangerous and it's not comfortable. I need to set myself up well first in reality.

Then start searching for porn, then I don't know, get a girlfriend or something... I want to learn some science and such too since that'll lead to my dream of becoming some kind of science guy. I love astronomy afterall. This is stuff I'll likely do anyway regardless of school so wtf wtf wtf do I need to pay stupid amounts of money for? I don't get it. But that's life. It's not fair indeed, buddy.

Black like me (Permanently)

I don't know what to do. I'm beginning to unravel mentally every day...

If I don't get into the airforce, then what? Who am I supposed to be? God, you jackass, why'd you do this to me? Why'd you put me in a position of such uncertainty and fear? I'm so afraid all the time. If I try to act tough, I'll only ignite someone's ire, therefore giving them reason to destroy me. My life is just a mess... you know, the airforce will give me so many great things, like AN ACTUAL EDUCATION, not the hackneyed mess of bits and pieces from public to catholic school to college where I learned a little here and there about stuff I didn't care about. But I should have just taken the bitter pill regardless. I don't know who might be reading this, but if it is a black kid, completely clueless about their future in this world, college is the only way out for you. If you're thinking you'll be just as hip and cool out there in society as you are in school, you're wrong. Every day will be a burden. Sure many whites nowadays have less fear of blacks but the reality I've come to realize is that there's an overwhelming stigma associated with blacks because of their lack of educational achievement. Nobody told me this.

I thought foolishly that a high school diploma would be enough. I honestly only went to college because I wanted to learn more about psychology so I could build up a defense for myself if I was ever to be confronted by a psychologist again. Little did I know that I was being set up as an affirmative action hire for a mental hospital. They need blacks I guess to take care of the black patients. I am a psycho, so I think that not putting myself in a position where I'm treating psychos was a good decision.

Sigh...

Now of course I'm not crazy, just a late bloomer with some issues who got too transfixed on some interwebs stuff. I need to finish school, need to get that wonderful degree regardless of this new stupid idea I've discovered that somehow finishing college late is something to be ashamed of. Where's this idea coming from that people all develop at exactly the same pace? Why do we even need to sit in a classroom pretending to learn for 4 years anyway when all you need to do is Good will hunt at your local library and learn the same stuff for free?

Whatever... sure "it's not where you go, but what you know" but that only applies to anyone who isn't black. I was trying to tell this young black man at work who like me dropped out of college and thinks he can get by without it that he should reconsider going since his reasons for leaving are not very well thought out. He thinks it's just unnecessary. He'll just work a dinky little job and learn on his own...

God damnit, man. This is why the race as a whole is in such bad shape. But I'm not the guy who's going to change the world...

I'm just so alone out there. My internet addiction's a constant pain in the rump too. I can't get my mind off superherohype, but that's fine. I've been here before back at jedi.net where I spent a great while posting about star wars, my first experience of being surrounded by white people but I didn't know it. They must have thought I was white... I don't know how most of them think though I'm guessing it's that most blacks online are magic negros or whatever. I've been researching more about blacks in the public eye and how they're looked upon. It's really complicated. I'm just a person to me, but to someone else there's all sorts of stuff going through their mind like if I'm into rap, or whatever the hell like how the guy on the office always stereotypes blacks. I'm just me. I like to read, watch cartoons, play videogames, draw, and I love classical music. But that's not how the world works. People very often assume stuff without first getting to know people... Damn shame.

Oh and then there's sex. I'm getting older. From what I've read online, I'm at my sexual peak and it's all downhill from here. THANK GOD. I can't take it anymore. I've just been struggling with this since I was 17. I hope I can just not have to be sexually frustrated all the time anymore. It's a annoyance. I want to study man. I want to become one of those super intellectuals. I was so close to becoming one before losing my mind from all the sexual urges. What's with this crap? I don't need it. I don't care about having kids. I don't know why I always have to make more batches of man gravy. I guess I got to get laid to know whether it's any good or not. Nobody dies a virgin do they?

I'd like to get with a mutt like me. We're the future of humanity if all races kind of mix. But too many are afraid of that I guess.

Why live?

I've been pondering this question lately. I've made a serious mess that I can't clean up so fast and easily. Every single day, every minute, every second, I think about how much damage I've done online and it's like this curse I have to live with. I wish I didn't do it etc. I wish I just stayed in school even though I was lonely and so confused there about what I was even doing with my life. I still feel like that. I'll be here all alone after my parents are gone. My sister's going to be rich since she's a lawyer but I don't want to be that loser sibling who's supported by the other. I've been told I'm smart enough to make it anyway, but that's not enough...

I wish I could make some sense of why I'm here, why my father's a psycho, why I have to be burdened with a life so complicated beyond what others must face... And I think: IT DOESN'T MATTER! Even if I was some Harvard grad I'd be alone and angry. I'm going to have to face life and just live it then anyway. I wish I could be more than what I am but I'm not. I wish I was unbelievably strong enough to take the pressures of college but I seriously don't think I can after losing my mind in the internet world. I'm all psychologically screwed up and I know I need to get help, but then there's psychologists out there who aren't any good too. Fudge. I wish I could stop being so weak.

That guy keeps popping up into my mind. C. Lee. I don't even know why he accepted my friend request. I spat in his face when I decided to troll even more after he gave me a chance to calm the hell down and just not be punished in any way. It made no sense to betray that show of compassion and I knew it... I think then of how stupid it is that I'm spending my days thinking about somebody online who could care less about me or my life. THAT's how you know you're sick. I remember when forums were young and I joined one thinking it was a safe nice place back in 99, oopsie daisy. I was lex luthor wrooooooooong, but that's life. "No where is safe" is the lesson to learn from that. I don't know how to cope with that reality. I guess you have to build up a mental toughness enough or else, just gtfo of life.

Survival of the fittest. Or most adaptable, more specifically... I could kill myself after I see dragonball, or keep taking the hits in life and try to be a man, a black man, surviving in a white man's world. That'll take some serious balls.

To be continued...

The burden of Leadership

I never wanted to be a leader. I just didn't have any plans for that or anything growing up. I went to school because I was told to. I got this job at JFK because I was told to. I don't know who I am or what I truly want really, outside of hot naked sex.

I don't know what to think sometimes... I look around me and see super old adults who are dumb. I see people online who define themselves as true adults by their ability to out-think most anyone. There's nothing wrong with that, but you're in the minority. Most people are insanely stupid and it takes an incredible amount of tolerance to continuously deal with them on a daily basis.

I'm earning my stripes I guess. Why can't anything be easy, just once. I'm black, I've had a rough childhood, I'm still a virgin, the entire internet hates me, and I'm black, meaning I can't go anywhere without being pinned as a criminal. I've no intention of hurting anyone, especially considering that I'm a pacifist. What do I do in a world that isn't kind to me anyway?

And about the burden of leadership. What that means is this, I worked hard in highschool because I wanted to become an astronaut, then my sex drive kicked in and just screwed everything up, since today women don't cares about us nerds. They like the goddamn asshole. Anyway, I went on to college since I felt that was my chance to set things right, but the lack of sex was even more a problem there since you're already expected to have done it in every position by then and of course my parents didn't understand that and just think I'm trying to spite them. Being black and dropping out of college, your one chance for an ounce of respect from most whites? Well that's not going to go over well. I'll definitely finish some time in the future since I want my respect damnit and it's a shame how most black kids don't have good role models...

For now I've decided to gather my bearings after the ridiculous internet nonsense I foolishly engaged in as a way of escaping reality... sigh... live and learn.

Oh I forgot to explain the burden of leadership. It would seem since I'm so damn smart, when I'm dealing with people who are your everyday joes, well I have to seriously calculate and measure what I say so as not to confuse anyone or stir up any misinterpretations. I now know what's the point of college, to get people to communicate effectively. Miscommunication is a constant worry on my mind when I'm at work since I don't want to send the wrong message or sound like I'm condescending or sarcastic. It's no doubt what most white people have to do when talking with blacks who for whatever reason don't have similar education levels or whatever.

I know what to do, but when pushed around by these guys, I just want to tear them apart with some serious insults that would likely leave them feeling sour for hours. But I don't. I grit my teeth and let that stuff just be. Such is the burden of leadership.

Fear itself

I have a confession to make, internet.

I'm scared.

I'm scared I won't be strong enough to deal with people. I certainly came to the terrifying conclusion a few years back that I'm not up to par mentally to defend myself against some big hefty brains out there. I know I'm not stupid, but what I can't stand is being bullied by guys whose only joy is to see someone lower than them suffer. And I don't mean your typical thug or jock, I mean highly intelligent folks who through high school and from online I've learned are very bitter, unfriendly, and manipulative for sadism sake. I want to be fearless, stand up and not flinch when put to the challenge. But I'm only human and at my age how much further can I still push myself to achieve anything? I know to an older person, 22 is still a kid, but to some people who I guess come from a high achievement backgrounds and were doing advanced physics or whatever at 15, I'm way behind.

I'm so lost. All these things I believe I can do if I work hard for them, I'm not sure if I should even bother to try... There's always somebody who's better, maybe whiter, ready to antagonize and poke and pester me enough to force me to give up. I know now why so many blacks don't even try.

It doesn't matter how hard they try, somebody will be standing there to block their path every time.

Fear is one of the main themes that drove me in the past to not cower away from a fight, but damnit if I'm not more terrified now of going out there and facing the world NOW at a time when race is at the front of everyone's minds. Whereas in the past everyone was feeling good about the potential for minorities to do anything, no one ever truly believed it. It's a lie meant to get you to push yourself hard in school, then later be told, "ok you're good enough to be one of our affirmative action hires" That's all it is. Get a decent job and do well at it, not change the world, was all that was expected... now people will have to actually think about each other's places and status. Every black person will wonder if they have to start behaving differently. Every white person will wonder if their dominance could possibly be challenged by blacks, which I believe is hilarious since that'll happen on a cold day in hell.

I have to kick myself for not realizing this sooner. I'll tell you all this... I really didn't expect to be here right now... I had a rough life. My father was messed up mentally and freaked me out all the time as a kid, then I had to fend off ruthless kids at school, so I escaped from this stuff online and found a nice place to enjoy stuff that truly mattered to me, but that didn't go very well either once at fuckin 16 some guy decided to slaughter me verbally, so I guess I have ptsd like one psychologist told me or maybe my life just sucks ass. So I did plan on just killing myself at around 2005 when I was 18, then I don't know... I wanted to stick around for that superman movie, then well, shit that was bad, the superman war not the movie, then I... I don't know. I just don't know why I'm alive still. I have no real reason to go on. Dragonball? Yes I know it's sad but I guess that's my reason for living now... God, I'm pathetic.

No, I'm not going down like this. I hate how I read online people saying religion's no good. You know what's no good? People in general. They're awful, no matter who it is or what they believe. People are always full of shit and emotions that push them to do things that cause problems. Religion, you know, while reading the bible recently I've come to see how out-dated it is, all this stuff about stone to death someone for disobeying their parents, wtf, but to me it's about just looking beyond yourself. You can't be totally altruistic, I know, but I think about what I'm suppoed to do in life, why I'm here, all this fear of the world I have, and the one comfort that I have is that maybe I should just stop being afraid for myself and be more afraid for someone who's in real trouble... I don't know.

I'm just that way. I look at my religious background as being responsible for my any selflessness I've had. the problem is I'm not always smart enough to know when to shut up or stay out of something...

I guess that's what being human's all about.

I don't know what to feel

Today's a day that will live in history forever... This is like witnessing the first man to walk on the moon, or more appropriately MLK's I have a dream speech. Growing up black, you don't really think you're anybody special at first, you're just one of the stupid kids trying to carve out a place in society, but as you get older you realize things are much more complicated than that. There's an entire history of racism to think about as well as tons of overt and subtle racism that's yet to come. On one hand you can ignore it and just live your life or on the other, fight it and try to do whatever you can to prove it's not good to hate people for stuff like skin tone or genetic origin.

But I too find it hard to simply conclude racism = bad. I've met every kind of black person, the complete dumbass, the nerd, the fake nerd, the super genius, the regular dude like me, and they all have something in common, they're crazy. That makes me scared. I'm already crazy, but I don't want to end up totally mentally impaired by the way things are in the world. How do I become strong enough to protect myself? My answer is to join the military and work my ass off to get strong and live a life of some kind of use beyond the ordinary 9 to 5. Kids and all that stuff can wait until I finally know if I can make it in this cruel world. If my weird father can, why can't I? But then again, he's not totally sane and was a horrible influence on me... I know that you have to be damn crazy to want to bring black children into this world, but hey, that's why I'm here I guess...

A thing I was thinking about, since I can't shut my brain off, is how I've never really noticed how blacks, real blacks, not just caramel obama blacks are not very prominent in the media outside of big gruff tough guy characters. Now I get what's going on with all the race complaints towards movies these days. I grew up watching white people in movies and just naively looking at them as whatever character they were, not necessarily as a race, but now my eyes are open... there were contious efforts made during the 80s and 90s to get more minorities roles in movies and tv shows, but the way the world works is that you won't find many minorities as anythng but token characters added to assuage certain ethnic groups... So now whenever I watch anything I'm kind of annoyed by how there's not a single black in the show or whatever. I notice too there's few spanish people or asian and on and on... It angers me to see because here in New York, you can't go anywhere without finding someone at some level who's not just like you, yet that's not what's represented. And I think for kids especially, who do they have as role models? It's funny to see Anime shows after all these years and realize the culture that made them is obsessed with caucasian looking characters. Why? I suppose it's to give their product a wider appeal for the overseas market, but I'll watch anything that's good, black, white, asian, green, whatever.

I look at movies and everything's still the same as it was years ago. While I'm on the subway I see posters for movies that don't have a single minority in them. I think, why do they expect me to watch this when it has nothing to do with my life? And then I realize that's the same kind of thought that goes through most whites when they look at some meet the browns poster etc. Touche then... Still, I'd love to see more movies catering to minorities. I love white people movies, tv, comics, whatever. It's all I had. And I looked beyond race to enjoy them and still do.

Today though I wonder, as does most of the nation I'm betting, what are we going to go through in the much greater debate over race and power and freedom that will no doubt be brought forth under a black president. Raised by whites or not, he's had to go through the same school teasing, no doubt the same racial tensions that always happen until you've known someone long enough to hate them for some other reason ;), so I'm just kind of stunned now how America's taking the hard road...

I LOVE AMERICA.

Old ways vs New ways

Everyone's confused now about their place in this world. Are men supposed to be the big strong guy who's taking care of the bills and bringing home the bacon or do women do that now? Both? Now of course I don't have a choice. I have to have a job or I won't get by. Women however can decide to be jobless if they wish since that was their original role. In fact, when it comes down to the cold hard reality of going through a long miserable day of work, I'm pretty certain most women would prefer not doing it. For the love of... I mean, I can't be myself. I can't be shy, can't be unsure, or humorous and jokey, or else people will think I'm weak or crazy.

It doesn't matter. I'm the dude companies will be begging for down the road and I know it. If I get through this military stuff, then maybe when I hit my 30s, I'll be on easy street, making too much money... Actually, that's how it is. As I am now, no woman wants to touch me. I've got no real money, no future, but mostly no money. Once I get the big bucks, I'll be trying to beat them off me, they'll be coming after me so much. It's sad, it's not very nice to say, but it's the brutal truth of life.

I see it every day. The girls want the guy who's got potential or already there financially. Meanwhile men don't care about that and have to do some mountain climbing or something to get with a girl. Damn this unfair world.

Girls want to be guys only so much. Marriage is no longer this expected custom, but a waste of time and money. We have people becoming less religious which is to me ok but as humans we shouldn't stray so far from it because we're not ever going to be perfect machines etc. I still like me some jesus, it settled me down when life got too fuckerooish, what's wrong with that... ugh, people are nuts... well, the old world's dying. Now we're becoming more like that star trek world where people abandoned old ideas of class seperation and valued each other based on different criteria... Still, it baffles me how we're going to live when equality's not so simple to achieve. Men can't be women and women can't be men, that's not our fault, that's nature. Race is less troublesome except that in reality people will never stop judging books by their covers... nevertheless, I'm still confused about how to live amongst people I know will hate me for no good reason, live as a man in a world where men aren't supposed to be breadwinner anymore, just don't know.... damn...

Sad state of the world

I don't get this world.

I'm thinking about my own life and the lives of those coming up now in schools everywhere and I can't figure this stuff out. For instance, what's the deal with the lack of sex education in a lot of schools? That's such a huge problem yet from my own research and life experience, most people are just told to figure it out on their own. What the hell? It's essential that everyone learn especially in teen years what their sexual organs are doing and how to manage it best to make sure they're healthy. Fudge sticks, I'm just... it's why kids drop out, point blank. They're learning more about obscure bs no one needs to know and mathematical concepts they'll never use than what's happening to them on a daily basis. I understand this much... Supposed smart people who keep the world from dipping too far into idiocy are sometimes blind to their own stupidity because they lack humility enough to see where they can possibly go wrong. Like I read somewhere, a lot of what happens in places of authority has more to do with their egos than the actual issues. So stupid. Bottom line should be the welfare of the kids, all of them, instead we blame them for being too weak to swim their way out of the mess that's created for them...

Columbine was but the beginning...

I'm seriously pissed off that seemingly everyone's hoping that the system just had a few glitches and that by ignoring the problem, it just poof vanishes and everyone goes back to business as usual. The problem is that these schools are run like factories, meant to teach kids to be obedient workers for corporate america when they get older and NOTHING MORE. Don't think, don't question, don't talk, don't have emotions, don't be human. It's so stupid. It's true too. The last thing the people in the upper crust want is a population of people who can challenge their power over them. And that's why only certain people are allowed access to certain levels of intelligence while everyone else is told to just regurgitate what they're taught from some low level silly text book so they can get a wonderful corporate job at the bottom of the ladder for the rest of their days, making just enough cash to live a mediocre life.

That's seriously the way it is. We're not expected to actually have FUN and explore our own interests, but be drones, gobble down the thoughts of those in authority, be told what to wear, what to eat, be given enough money just to spend it on whatever the corporations feed us etc... From childhood upwards, those who show those qualities of doing what they're told, just being a mindless drone, are given some kind of "reward" like a place to live in and that's it. Those who try thinking for themselves are told to take pills, told they're crazy, falsely accused because there's no one who'll care enough to question their accusation. Oh my God, I can't believe this is how things are...

College's are no different. At least at a state university, it's about conforming to corporate culture. Being smart enough to write whatever you're told to write, do whatever you're told to do, and then you'll be "rewarded" with a chance to survive by big daddy corporation who'll take care of you as long as you don't think for yourself.

I didn't expect it to be this way. In fact, I just never intended to go to college, seemed like something extra that was unnecessary, but now every job that's worth anything demands it because that's somehow an indication of someone's willingness to conform I guess. Nevermind that most people learn what they need in life outside of school.

Such as:

Hygene - how to dress, smell good, present yourself, ain't learning this at school.

Communication skills - You won't learn how to deal with kids, different races, or a dude who's slightly or totally crazy by living with and talking to a bunch of horny young adults for years.

Sex - Granted most people figure their sexual side out in either hs or college but that's not something schools generally teach since so many people disagree over what should be taught.

Basically schools groom kids not for real life survival, but for continued childhood where they're told how to live and what to do by people who are in authority over them.

That's such crap. I'll think more on this later...

This is war

I wrote in my big project that was inspired by God that Life is War. And I had no idea at the time just how true that was... yeah, having grown up in New York, you learn that every day whether it be getting mugged, beaten, insulted, whatever, but now I'm learning about more subtle stuff, like ways people can mess with each other's heads. I guess that's the "real world" everyone tells kids they'll soon face and struggle to survive in. You'd think at a young age that it meant something like living in a jungle with nothing but a pocket knife, but nope, it's just meaning dealing with people and their many MANY flaws and piles of shit they bring with them.

That buttercup at work's still a moron who thinks he's smarter than everyone, yet doesn't know he's a big fat loser... Ah, I wish I could just let it go and not let this stuff get to me, but that's me, the thinker. I get to a point where if I can't figure out something almost perfectly, I feel like crap all over for a while. Anyway, this cupcake of a guy has no clue how stupid he is and yet wants to convince me that his world view is THE GREATEST WORLD VIEW EVER. OMG. Like Dude, I was online playing haloooowww and I was discussing politicz and religion is wack and I know about doublespeak so I don't like authority! WHO CARES! You're not at college, you're not going to change the world by telling me this nonsense. And he's so darn full of himself, he's completely unaware of anyone else around him. I can't BELIEVE how sad a person this guy is... especially considering he's black. When you're black, you have to always watch your behavior because people will be come threatened by 'typical blackness' yet this fool's pretending he's perfectly equal to all people just as he's been told from childhood. For the love of jesus, mate...

He'll get the shit knocked out of him one day by someone who won't stand for his stupidity... That's all there is to it. I won't do it since I don't care about him that much to set him straight, but there will come a time when someone will show him a mirror and make him realize he needs to calm the hell down and stop acting like he's some kind of ignored genius.

On to another thing. I'm seriously dissapointed by what happened today with my Airforce enlistment. Everything's on hold now since they discovered I'd applied for the airforce back in 04, but was rejected due to being "allergic to fish" which I believed I was at the time, but being a 17 year old punk in highschool I didn't really think about defining all the terms before making a decision on these kinds of document, so I thought allergic just meant not liking something. Ooops. Hopefully I can just give them a doctors note showing I'm not really allergic and everything works out. This is it, the last obstacle in my way to getting my life together, and if this impedes me, I'm done... 22, a complete loser, no nothing...

It's not like I expected to do anything great in life anyway. Most people don't think pass highschool since it's just "get a job and die doing it" And race has nothing to do with how unnappealing the future is for blacks... This airforce thing's an actual adventure, a challenge, something remarkable... I don't know... I just think it's better for me personally. I don't like the easy path, except today. Today, I wish was easy.

What a day

Today was eye opening. I always knew people were complicated, often over sensitive, flawed, sometimes overreact but the new kind of person I'm coming across now is just wowie zowie powie, unbelievable. He's a TNBM. The New Black Male. I'm 22, and part of the new generation of blacks coming up now who have to find their own identity in a world where there really is no unique identity for blacks so I'm of course just winging it and struggling to make sense of my place in the world, but this dude I work with is all sorts of messed up. He's a lot like me but worse, a halo junkie, socially inept to ridiculous levels, extremely sensitive and defensive, and dare I say stupid but just doesn't know it. I want to stay humble and not break this guy's fragile ego but the more I get to know the guy the more I just want to bring him down to earth and make him realize he's not impressing anyone with his articulate speech or anything. It's so annoying. I'm well spoken myself, but I know my limits, especially public speaking, which I know needs polishing. That's the worst kind of black person, one who thinks they're white in the sense that they're more nerdy than the rest of the herd. You're not fooling anyone, pal. You're just as dumb as anybody... What the hell... I guess this is just something I have to get used to seeing.

About the future

I'm starting to enjoy blogging. My big shot lawyer sister told me to start one to enhance my writing skills or whatever, but I thought it'd just be a glorified diary and wasn't the manly thing to do etc... But it's not that bad... it's like you have someone to talk to I guess who might or might not be listening to what you have to say. Well, I have stuff to get off my mind and I might as well put it somewhere rather than keep it locked up in my noggin.

About me:

I'm 22 years old, currently working at JFK airport post office making sure people in switzerland get their weird stuff on time. I have some college under my belt, but obviously not enough since I'm so lame at writing like most fancy college grads. I dropped out due to complex reasons, mainly money which is why I'm now enlisting in the Airforce to hopefully get a free ride to a degree. I learned too late that ya can't be black without a degree, sure, you can, but don't expect any kind of common respect from average folks unless you're a really really good guy. Having been on the streets for a while, there's no one who looks at the common black guy wearing his jeans and hoodie as a person to get to know, at least immediately. I guess they've never met one that didn't mug them. It's a sad cycle. The more whites are racist, the more blacks rebel against society, the more whites get mugged, the more whites are racist... and around and around...

It's not as if all blacks are thugs though. I hate them. I've been bullied by them, mugged, the works... yet ironically now I'm on their level whenever I go out looking like I usually do. Can't win, just find a way to live in peace...

I was talking to my mom today about what how long I'll be enlisted for. I don't know... Forever maybe. I don't have much else planned in life but to see if we ever figure out why we're here. Oh and of course I want to help save some lives in some capacity. It's astonishing to me to see so many snobby people on the subway daily who are more worried about their hair and makeup, and whatnot about their appearance than about the wars, famine, starving children, millions who go ignored by the powers out there yet could very well be given hope for a better next day, just blows my mind.

But who am I to talk. I became addicted to the internet and spent months going to war over superman's stupid cape color or whatever. Never doing that again...

I'm not that smart, but I know this much. Life's too short to waste it worrying about your own problems too much. All this war is stupid and based on people's personal feelings more than anything important. I guess I've decided to be a pacifist, funny that I'm joining the military. But the airforce isn't a serious combat branch. It's about mental muscle, which I'm hoping I can kick back into gear by the time I go for training. I haven't done serious studies in a long time. OH man...

My dad was enlisted from an early age too, looks just like me in his official airforce photo, learned how to be an aircraft engineer, has tons of text books full of mathematics I can't understand, yet he's such a well odd person and doesn't know how to use a computer. I don't know how good their education system is... Anyway, times have changed. I'll have to get into the computer tech field since that's what I'm into anyway, and I know it'll be useful if I ever leave the airforce and need a job. Everything's going to be computers in the future, everything, and the last thing they need is someone who majored in psychology to fix their network or whatever. I'll likely become one of those guys who knows the inside and outside of a computer network and how to get it to do whatever is needed but couldn't figure out how to build one from scratch or do the complex math needed to program its operating system. Those guys, damn, just damn...

A word on racism

I know I said the last post was my "last" post, but I'm bugged more and more by this racism issue these days. It's impossible to ignore after all... I never thought about it in depth, but I'm so screwed in life... I didn't know that as a black male, without a college degree, you'd be lower than dirt. I hope black kids out there don't make that mistake of assuming racism's a thing of the past. It's not. White guys keep screwing with me at work, though that's nothing too serious, to say nothing of the internet's newfound interest in playing around with me now that I've been revealed as a black person, a mutt specifically, but that doesn't matter...

And now I wonder who are black people? As kids we weren't thinking about each other as anything but what was on the inside. Oh that person's a jerk, oh she's nice, he's smart etc. Now you grow up and holy God, YO MY BRUTHA HOMIE SUP BOOOOYYIEEEEE, WAZZUUUP! That's the image of black culture I constantly see everywhere... *face palm* I'll keep living but I'm not looking forward to sticking around, honestly...

Last post ever

Sigh... the world's out there now and I'm here, just here, thinking about everything I've ever done, and ready to plunge right into full throttle living as an Airman. Funny, i don't know how I'll survive it all. I'm smart enough, but there's a point I get to where I can't think my way out of a situation, or I seek revenge for being hurt by some asshole guy, and it's my own fault for being too myopic to notice where I stand intelligence wise so as to not to tackle things that are beyond me. I'm still young and learning the ropes in life, but there are people out there who don't care and will crush me, then laugh... Damn it, i can't make any sense of life. There's so many damn things to learn, how's a guy to learn them all, and is that even any use or worth more in life than having friends and stuff like that? Intellectuals must ask themselves this all the time. I guess most people find a middle ground and live and let live.

I'm out and seeing how people are more and it's depressing. Most people decades older than me are dumber than I expected. I always knew some people were stupid and would end up stupid, probably locked away in jail forever, but never that there were grown men and women walking around who have no academic brains and proudly talk like complete-idiots. Welcome to Planet Earth. I think to myself, "do these people not know how easily they can be crushed by someone bigger and badder than them?" Then of course i learn that they know more than I ever will about life at this point. They're fully socialized more than me, seen stuff I've yet to see, probably have their own issues and whatnots that have formed their perspective... But most of all, they're pretty pleasant people who maybe don't have the most, but they're so loving, honest, decent folks too who don't want trouble. I can't imagine how I must have looked, a young punk pretending to know it all in front of people like this who use the net every day, then of course he has the nerve to play mind games. These guys, they're so cool, helpful, nice, to hell with the julliard grad or those snobby princess girls I say. I like regular humble people...

Then there's the race issues I'll no doubt face. I hate black people. I hate white people. As a young boy I didn't take racism seriously. We had the cosby show, fresh prince, family matters, my neighbors were white, I made friends with a white kid while on vacation one summer. I suppose I was spoiled. The wise way to think is that we only live once, so why be hateful towards everyone, but people are damn stupid. Black, white, don't matter... I see blacks acting stupid, I see whites claiming blacks should go back to africa online... black kids just giving up since they think it's uncool to be smart... and it rips my heart in half, on top of that I'll have to make the choice on whether to even try to become smarter though I know there's a billion people ready to stop me. The only thing that comforts me is that I'm in America, the only country where people don't necessarily identify themselves by race alone but by ambition and intellect. I know now that God is that little dash of hope we all have that the American experiment actually works and we don't all decide to destroy each other instead of get along well enough even though most americans hate each other for stupid reasons. People always find a reason.

I love people mainly because there's so much hatred and distrust based on people's often irrational mindless fears. Love isn't the only answer to life's complex questions, but whateva...