Black like me (Permanently)

I don't know what to do. I'm beginning to unravel mentally every day...

If I don't get into the airforce, then what? Who am I supposed to be? God, you jackass, why'd you do this to me? Why'd you put me in a position of such uncertainty and fear? I'm so afraid all the time. If I try to act tough, I'll only ignite someone's ire, therefore giving them reason to destroy me. My life is just a mess... you know, the airforce will give me so many great things, like AN ACTUAL EDUCATION, not the hackneyed mess of bits and pieces from public to catholic school to college where I learned a little here and there about stuff I didn't care about. But I should have just taken the bitter pill regardless. I don't know who might be reading this, but if it is a black kid, completely clueless about their future in this world, college is the only way out for you. If you're thinking you'll be just as hip and cool out there in society as you are in school, you're wrong. Every day will be a burden. Sure many whites nowadays have less fear of blacks but the reality I've come to realize is that there's an overwhelming stigma associated with blacks because of their lack of educational achievement. Nobody told me this.

I thought foolishly that a high school diploma would be enough. I honestly only went to college because I wanted to learn more about psychology so I could build up a defense for myself if I was ever to be confronted by a psychologist again. Little did I know that I was being set up as an affirmative action hire for a mental hospital. They need blacks I guess to take care of the black patients. I am a psycho, so I think that not putting myself in a position where I'm treating psychos was a good decision.

Sigh...

Now of course I'm not crazy, just a late bloomer with some issues who got too transfixed on some interwebs stuff. I need to finish school, need to get that wonderful degree regardless of this new stupid idea I've discovered that somehow finishing college late is something to be ashamed of. Where's this idea coming from that people all develop at exactly the same pace? Why do we even need to sit in a classroom pretending to learn for 4 years anyway when all you need to do is Good will hunt at your local library and learn the same stuff for free?

Whatever... sure "it's not where you go, but what you know" but that only applies to anyone who isn't black. I was trying to tell this young black man at work who like me dropped out of college and thinks he can get by without it that he should reconsider going since his reasons for leaving are not very well thought out. He thinks it's just unnecessary. He'll just work a dinky little job and learn on his own...

God damnit, man. This is why the race as a whole is in such bad shape. But I'm not the guy who's going to change the world...

I'm just so alone out there. My internet addiction's a constant pain in the rump too. I can't get my mind off superherohype, but that's fine. I've been here before back at jedi.net where I spent a great while posting about star wars, my first experience of being surrounded by white people but I didn't know it. They must have thought I was white... I don't know how most of them think though I'm guessing it's that most blacks online are magic negros or whatever. I've been researching more about blacks in the public eye and how they're looked upon. It's really complicated. I'm just a person to me, but to someone else there's all sorts of stuff going through their mind like if I'm into rap, or whatever the hell like how the guy on the office always stereotypes blacks. I'm just me. I like to read, watch cartoons, play videogames, draw, and I love classical music. But that's not how the world works. People very often assume stuff without first getting to know people... Damn shame.

Oh and then there's sex. I'm getting older. From what I've read online, I'm at my sexual peak and it's all downhill from here. THANK GOD. I can't take it anymore. I've just been struggling with this since I was 17. I hope I can just not have to be sexually frustrated all the time anymore. It's a annoyance. I want to study man. I want to become one of those super intellectuals. I was so close to becoming one before losing my mind from all the sexual urges. What's with this crap? I don't need it. I don't care about having kids. I don't know why I always have to make more batches of man gravy. I guess I got to get laid to know whether it's any good or not. Nobody dies a virgin do they?

I'd like to get with a mutt like me. We're the future of humanity if all races kind of mix. But too many are afraid of that I guess.