Fear itself

I have a confession to make, internet.

I'm scared.

I'm scared I won't be strong enough to deal with people. I certainly came to the terrifying conclusion a few years back that I'm not up to par mentally to defend myself against some big hefty brains out there. I know I'm not stupid, but what I can't stand is being bullied by guys whose only joy is to see someone lower than them suffer. And I don't mean your typical thug or jock, I mean highly intelligent folks who through high school and from online I've learned are very bitter, unfriendly, and manipulative for sadism sake. I want to be fearless, stand up and not flinch when put to the challenge. But I'm only human and at my age how much further can I still push myself to achieve anything? I know to an older person, 22 is still a kid, but to some people who I guess come from a high achievement backgrounds and were doing advanced physics or whatever at 15, I'm way behind.

I'm so lost. All these things I believe I can do if I work hard for them, I'm not sure if I should even bother to try... There's always somebody who's better, maybe whiter, ready to antagonize and poke and pester me enough to force me to give up. I know now why so many blacks don't even try.

It doesn't matter how hard they try, somebody will be standing there to block their path every time.

Fear is one of the main themes that drove me in the past to not cower away from a fight, but damnit if I'm not more terrified now of going out there and facing the world NOW at a time when race is at the front of everyone's minds. Whereas in the past everyone was feeling good about the potential for minorities to do anything, no one ever truly believed it. It's a lie meant to get you to push yourself hard in school, then later be told, "ok you're good enough to be one of our affirmative action hires" That's all it is. Get a decent job and do well at it, not change the world, was all that was expected... now people will have to actually think about each other's places and status. Every black person will wonder if they have to start behaving differently. Every white person will wonder if their dominance could possibly be challenged by blacks, which I believe is hilarious since that'll happen on a cold day in hell.

I have to kick myself for not realizing this sooner. I'll tell you all this... I really didn't expect to be here right now... I had a rough life. My father was messed up mentally and freaked me out all the time as a kid, then I had to fend off ruthless kids at school, so I escaped from this stuff online and found a nice place to enjoy stuff that truly mattered to me, but that didn't go very well either once at fuckin 16 some guy decided to slaughter me verbally, so I guess I have ptsd like one psychologist told me or maybe my life just sucks ass. So I did plan on just killing myself at around 2005 when I was 18, then I don't know... I wanted to stick around for that superman movie, then well, shit that was bad, the superman war not the movie, then I... I don't know. I just don't know why I'm alive still. I have no real reason to go on. Dragonball? Yes I know it's sad but I guess that's my reason for living now... God, I'm pathetic.

No, I'm not going down like this. I hate how I read online people saying religion's no good. You know what's no good? People in general. They're awful, no matter who it is or what they believe. People are always full of shit and emotions that push them to do things that cause problems. Religion, you know, while reading the bible recently I've come to see how out-dated it is, all this stuff about stone to death someone for disobeying their parents, wtf, but to me it's about just looking beyond yourself. You can't be totally altruistic, I know, but I think about what I'm suppoed to do in life, why I'm here, all this fear of the world I have, and the one comfort that I have is that maybe I should just stop being afraid for myself and be more afraid for someone who's in real trouble... I don't know.

I'm just that way. I look at my religious background as being responsible for my any selflessness I've had. the problem is I'm not always smart enough to know when to shut up or stay out of something...

I guess that's what being human's all about.