The path ahead of me

I'm just waiting now. I swear if I get into the military I'll make everything right again. It'll be the hardest thing I'll ever do but I'm willing to make the sacrifices to do it in order to rectify all the bad things I did. We all make mistakes but you can't make mistakes when you're in my skin, never, since that's all people see, just another dumb nigger. White people will be standing there with pitch forks ready and Aryan nation sign etc in the future and in some ways I feel like I deserve that kind of treatment after behaving like a fool for so long... really though, I'm just scared for myself. I'm scared... I have NO ONE. I go out there and it's just me sitting on the train, just me working my job, just me all alone. I've never felt so alone until now. When you're young you can't possibly imagine the loneliness of standing there on a train platform waiting to go to the end of your miserable life.

At school I didn't have friends because I couldn't bring them into my wacky world with a crazy father like mine. I had to keep people out of my life. Online, I could sort of have friends without all the drama that comes from having real relationships. I guess that's why I developed my addiction to it. It's the easier way. In real life, you have to actually be on your toes, watch your own ass out there, and do what ever is necessary not to step in poop, but online you can do whatever you want and get away with it... ah, man I wish sometimes I could just end it all.

On top of that I have some kind of porn addiction or some crap. I guess I over did it with the porn. Now I feel like I'm dying if I don't masterbate. I don't know what to do but try to just not do it. I wish I knew what I was doing damnit.

And the sad stuff is that I'm just a statistic. Black males usually don't make it to college graduation and the big problem is just this, we don't get sex education. I figure the airforce will teach me some valuable stuff since they do have a sex ed course. And i'm just so old now, heh, it's hard to adjust to adulthood when I'm still, 1. growing a beard, 2. learning about sex, 3. figuring out all those Ps and Qs stuff that people love to engage in online, some kind of lawyer speak or some stuff. I don't care about that right now, nor politics. Why? I'm still way too horny to care. I could try to settle into a good political debate but the only thought running through my mind is "I want to screw Michelle Obama."

Oh well, that's the challenge I think. I love a challenge. And the greatest reward is overcoming it, being a real man and stuff. I want that, I hunger for it. I want to know I'm a real man. But this is just scary shiiiii. Why oh why did I have to be black? Why not indian or spanish? I look in the mirror and I just know, just absolutely know the first thing people will think when they see me is, moron, idiot, dolt, etc. And they do. And I'm hurt because I worked hard in school, only to discover it wasn't enough and never will be.

Sigh. Either 2 things will happen now. I'll succeed or fail trying. I will not go down without a fight.