Last post ever

Sigh... the world's out there now and I'm here, just here, thinking about everything I've ever done, and ready to plunge right into full throttle living as an Airman. Funny, i don't know how I'll survive it all. I'm smart enough, but there's a point I get to where I can't think my way out of a situation, or I seek revenge for being hurt by some asshole guy, and it's my own fault for being too myopic to notice where I stand intelligence wise so as to not to tackle things that are beyond me. I'm still young and learning the ropes in life, but there are people out there who don't care and will crush me, then laugh... Damn it, i can't make any sense of life. There's so many damn things to learn, how's a guy to learn them all, and is that even any use or worth more in life than having friends and stuff like that? Intellectuals must ask themselves this all the time. I guess most people find a middle ground and live and let live.

I'm out and seeing how people are more and it's depressing. Most people decades older than me are dumber than I expected. I always knew some people were stupid and would end up stupid, probably locked away in jail forever, but never that there were grown men and women walking around who have no academic brains and proudly talk like complete-idiots. Welcome to Planet Earth. I think to myself, "do these people not know how easily they can be crushed by someone bigger and badder than them?" Then of course i learn that they know more than I ever will about life at this point. They're fully socialized more than me, seen stuff I've yet to see, probably have their own issues and whatnots that have formed their perspective... But most of all, they're pretty pleasant people who maybe don't have the most, but they're so loving, honest, decent folks too who don't want trouble. I can't imagine how I must have looked, a young punk pretending to know it all in front of people like this who use the net every day, then of course he has the nerve to play mind games. These guys, they're so cool, helpful, nice, to hell with the julliard grad or those snobby princess girls I say. I like regular humble people...

Then there's the race issues I'll no doubt face. I hate black people. I hate white people. As a young boy I didn't take racism seriously. We had the cosby show, fresh prince, family matters, my neighbors were white, I made friends with a white kid while on vacation one summer. I suppose I was spoiled. The wise way to think is that we only live once, so why be hateful towards everyone, but people are damn stupid. Black, white, don't matter... I see blacks acting stupid, I see whites claiming blacks should go back to africa online... black kids just giving up since they think it's uncool to be smart... and it rips my heart in half, on top of that I'll have to make the choice on whether to even try to become smarter though I know there's a billion people ready to stop me. The only thing that comforts me is that I'm in America, the only country where people don't necessarily identify themselves by race alone but by ambition and intellect. I know now that God is that little dash of hope we all have that the American experiment actually works and we don't all decide to destroy each other instead of get along well enough even though most americans hate each other for stupid reasons. People always find a reason.

I love people mainly because there's so much hatred and distrust based on people's often irrational mindless fears. Love isn't the only answer to life's complex questions, but whateva...