Why live?

I've been pondering this question lately. I've made a serious mess that I can't clean up so fast and easily. Every single day, every minute, every second, I think about how much damage I've done online and it's like this curse I have to live with. I wish I didn't do it etc. I wish I just stayed in school even though I was lonely and so confused there about what I was even doing with my life. I still feel like that. I'll be here all alone after my parents are gone. My sister's going to be rich since she's a lawyer but I don't want to be that loser sibling who's supported by the other. I've been told I'm smart enough to make it anyway, but that's not enough...

I wish I could make some sense of why I'm here, why my father's a psycho, why I have to be burdened with a life so complicated beyond what others must face... And I think: IT DOESN'T MATTER! Even if I was some Harvard grad I'd be alone and angry. I'm going to have to face life and just live it then anyway. I wish I could be more than what I am but I'm not. I wish I was unbelievably strong enough to take the pressures of college but I seriously don't think I can after losing my mind in the internet world. I'm all psychologically screwed up and I know I need to get help, but then there's psychologists out there who aren't any good too. Fudge. I wish I could stop being so weak.

That guy keeps popping up into my mind. C. Lee. I don't even know why he accepted my friend request. I spat in his face when I decided to troll even more after he gave me a chance to calm the hell down and just not be punished in any way. It made no sense to betray that show of compassion and I knew it... I think then of how stupid it is that I'm spending my days thinking about somebody online who could care less about me or my life. THAT's how you know you're sick. I remember when forums were young and I joined one thinking it was a safe nice place back in 99, oopsie daisy. I was lex luthor wrooooooooong, but that's life. "No where is safe" is the lesson to learn from that. I don't know how to cope with that reality. I guess you have to build up a mental toughness enough or else, just gtfo of life.

Survival of the fittest. Or most adaptable, more specifically... I could kill myself after I see dragonball, or keep taking the hits in life and try to be a man, a black man, surviving in a white man's world. That'll take some serious balls.

To be continued...