I neeeeeeeeeeeeed some poooooooooooooooon

aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

oh yeah

I'm thinking it's time to end this once and for all. But damn it if it's not the hardest thing to do, end a deep relationship, I know this far too well. I'm trading the internets craziness for a military career, so *shrugs* seems like a good deal to me.

Well, what to say. I'm shocked honestly by the way the world is. It's a shit storm of idiocy and evil. Corporations chew people like me up and spit me out and there's nothing I can do about it. Nobody cares about anyone else even if they believe people should care about them. Now I'm not saying there aren't good folks out there but they truly are a rarity. Human beings will always fight like beasts cuz it's in our dna. All we can do is pray some mighty force will save our wicked souls.

Racism is damn annoying. Women and their tactics are damn annoying. But I know that all these people who are trying their best to put others down will be the ones maybe 5 years from now doing a job they hate and dealing with a woman who's taken everything from them.

It's odd too that college is so pointless too and more about prestige than useful everyday knowledge. The guy learning to live his little life humbly and isn't looking to write novels is the one who's the real genius and that's the truth. You go to college when your mind isn't at all ready for deep studying, but that's not what it's about is it. It's about networking, losing virginity, building life long relationships that'll keep you sane in this crazy world really. But I didn't have a chance at college, not without being gangstalicious so women could like me for starters, and of course the onus is on me to approach these tough independent women, so now I'm the loser because I don't want to waste my time struggling to get into a girl's pants. It'll happen. Because I don't fit in the role expected of me, somebody is going to call me a faggot. In the black community it's bad if you don't do what's expected. For one, you're expected to be hetero, 2 if you're light skinned, you're expected to spread the wealth to a hard working really black girl so her genes can have a better chance in life. It's bad out there. That's one of the reasons they didn't just kill me I'm sure. I'm not really 100% black and my hair is curly instead of nappy. I'm valuable.

Lol, we'll see where this takes me. Oh boy... Well thanks for reading, if anyone still has. Wish me luck...

Where have all the real men gone?

They're in some other country ladies. I'm sick sick sick of america and it's bullshit egocentric attitude found in its females. Damn, I can't wait to get out of this country and go to japan or something and find real women. My sister's an arrogant bitch with her college degree so she's threatening me much like my teachers used to do with a trip to the psych ward if I don't act like how she wants me to act, be a real man, approach girls, get rejected a billion times. Get over it. I'm not going to do it. Life's hard, life's not fair, I know, maybe other men buy into that argument and DO get shot down tons of times to finally get with someone, but I'm going to side with those men who are pissed off that women have taken over everything now and while on one hand hate no nonsense men, the other hate sissy men who aren't big aggressive jerks.

This is bad, man. Most teachers here in America are women, you know what that means? Most schools cater to females and their learning styles and assume stupidly that boys are just girls with dicks. Boys are then taught to be nice, shut up and not question the lesson, be respectful to women. Meanwhile the jock asshole who's coach is a man and teaches his athletes to be rugged and ruthless, do anything to win, he's exactly the guy girls go after and dream about while the feminized kid in class who's getting good grades is fucked.

So I'm not dumb enough to fall for it this time. Listening to women's advice seems good in theory since hey, they're women they'd know how women think, but women don't know what they want. I tell my stupid sister that although yes it does seem good that women would want to be respected, the reality when you finally get in the trenches is that they don't like that kind of treatment. Case in point, my sister's boyfriend is ridiculously muscular and looks like chewbacca on steroids.

So whatever. I'm done being a nice guy. It's not going to be easy being a jerk to people especially since I have nieces and a grandma who's close to death, but either teach today's women how to be respectful to men, or stop asking men to be respectful to women, please. It's annoying.

Marriage

Hmmmmmmmmmm... I don't know whether I want to bother getting a girlfriend or whatever. It's so stupid that women expect men to approach them all the time out on the streets like animals looking for a treat. Do they like that? When I went into the job orientation for that crappy piece of garbage job I used to do at JFK, corporate training video thing told us employees that if you were interested in a fellow employee you should ask them out for a date. I was thinking, what business is it of some company what I decide to do to get a girlfriend? I'm like, wow, really? It's that simple huh...

So that's what us men are expected to do by the big dogs controlling the world these days, work shittttttastic jobs, and politely ask random women if we can be with them and stuffs. Yet women can do whatever they want in this society we live in now. It's because of pregnancy. No matter what men say about how they're treated, women will always always always be given special exceptions. Men are expendable.

That's why I'm so done with people's nonsense. This world's rough, I know, but to this extent where I have no freedom, and am a slave to whatever expectations are laid before me? God's going to fix this, I know it... He showed me yeterday that some women care about men out there. The lady in the car was more concerned with my safety than about her car. Good people exist if you can find them I guess. IF and i truly stress IF I find a girl who's actually not a man-hating nut, I'll take the plunge... God's got some kind of plan for me and I just have to go with it, man... no matter how crazy it looks.

I'm feeling good today

You know what happiness is? It's knowing nothing's wrong with the world right now. Oh yeah.. I'm just going to lay low and learn me some spanish while waiting for basic, that's all. No big deal, no school to worry about, no job, nothing. AAAAAAAAAnd I'm not stressed over sex since I've got tons of internet fun to enjoy. Woot, I'm aaaaaaaaaaaall right, man.

Kids

Wow, I don't know what to think of kids. I'm here in my room and my sister's kids are here and they're funny little things, real deal kids, just exploring the world in their short lives so far, barely out of the darn womb. Wow. I don't know what to make of them. On one hand, I foresee greatness, and on the other, seriously tough ass times ahead both at school and home. My niece is like 12 or 13 now, and she's exhibiting what seems to be a rebellious 'I hate boys' attitude common among girls her age. She's going to be smokin hot one day though and love the boys' attention then though I'm certain. Yikes, imagine having a daughter and having to watch her start dating and all that... good grief... Oh well, I don't know a thing about girls and their thought processes. The boy is fascinating to watch tho. It's interesting, some boys are assholes as kids, some not. If given proper guidance they'll do fine in life. Boys are easy as hell to raise if you know what you're doing. My father didn't give a crap about me and so I'm what I am today... but I have to just deal with it.

I'm still shooken up by that car accident thing today, man, I wish it didn't happen, makes a guy realize life could be over like THAT so don't worry about the small things too much.

I keep getting told by my sister that I will be having kids. When? With whom? Why? What the hell? I don't think so anyway. I'm too immature, insecure, frankly just plain stupid to be a parent. And parenting is not my aim. Well I'll say this, it's hilarious to me that a lot of women now who put careers before being mothers are whining now about how their biological clock is ticking and men aren't willing to marry them anymore these days. I tell ya... you get what you give in this world... A lot of it has to do with how women are these days, expecting men to be that big rugged no bs male, yet when we want them to perhaps display even a bit of femininity it's mysoginistic. So a lot of men say f-it and just give up on women, give up on a lot of things. We can't afford that. Men are needed and so are the women who make them feel grounded and at peace with the world. I can't possibly get attracted to a girl who's like a man in every way but physically. And I doubt women are attracted to men who prance around and are afraid of getting dirty, though there's always some exceptions... sigh, I'm just happy everything's going to be better for me for once. IF I find a beautiful woman who's a real woman and not just a crazy feminist man-hater, I'll give her everything. Too bad a lot of women don't respect that about us dudes.

Life's too short

I almost died today. Riding my bike to the gym and then got hit by a car while crossing the street. Good lord, it was eye opening. That would have been how I left this world, but seems like I'm not meant to go yet...

What's surprising to me though is that as the feeling of imminent death came over me when that car came zooming forward, I didn't worry as much about dying. Sure i leapt out of the way with all I had, but even if that car took me out, I wouldn't have cared too much. I now know I can take being in the military without a bit of trepidation. I really DO not care about myself anymore beyond basic life functions. It's comforting to me because that's what serving is all about. On this memorial day it's I think certainly prudent to acknowledge the selflessness service-men and women have and had for us. You CAN'T possibly do a job like theirs if all you care about is yourself.

I don't know what to think though. I'm still no hero, just a guy who's fullfilling a dream. When I earn those blues, maybe then I'll finally be a true soldier, selfless, proud, mature... all that stuff.

2 months left

I'll add more posts as nothing more than an addendum. Whoooooooo what to say... I don't really know...

I plan to do this:

Pray for forgiveness and hopefully do as much good with my life as possible for starters.

Enjoy life too. I used to dream of cruising ya know with my girlfriend. But as an adult I'm so disenchanted with females these days. Maybe when I'm stationed over seas I'll find a real girl. I'm like, yeah there's plenty of gorgeous girls here in USA, but they're stupid, been taught they have to compete with men in every way, and I can't stand it... I look in the mirror and I look goddamn great, muscles bulging, nice face, all that stuff and it's weird to see how girls try to get laid with guys like me by just standing close or winking from a distance. Yeah, real brave. Welcome to America where women are sharks in the board room by day and whores by night.

Science and Astronomy. I can't wait for this... I'm going into Electronics, specifically computers and stuff like that, then hopefully pursue a degree in that area combined with my passion for astronomy. I don't know whether it's the best choice because my math skills are rusty, but I can tell you this straight from the heart, nothing's impossible if you put your mind to it. I used to think I couldn't do a lot of things that through hard ass work, I've mastered and it's like nothing now. drawing, typing, basketball... It's the painful learning process that scares me shitless though. But I'll get used to it. That's what learning is, doing something so much, your body just gets tired of being bad at it and decides to adapt ways to cope with the pressure to perform.

Oh and that new star trek movie wasn't as good as the internet tries to make it seem. Blah, bla, flappin blah, I've been around the block on this. I was there for phantom menace while most of the kids online today were in diapers. Star Trek's claim to fame was its adherence sternly to a higher standard than other movies/tv. Yes, even though it had horrible fx. It's all about its brains, not its appearance. It was like a MAN's show. For men who built the space shuttle, not for the folks watching those men on tv. I admired that about star trek. So I side with those decrying now how it's been dumbed down for the masses. It was fun, but star trek's more than that usually, or tried its best to be in my mind. This was like high school physics vs MIT level quantum physics einestein type ish... No comparison. I guess critics are becoming soft on movies. I remember when ebert wouldn't let a lowest common denominator serving film past his lofty senses of what's good and bad, smart or dumb. What's happening to this world... Well I hope they aim higher with the next one.

Lol who am I kidding.

Yesss everything is going as planned... I wonder... what is it out there in the universe that we've yet to discover...

Way the world works

I'm sitting here with a diet soda which I shouldn't be drinking but whatever. I'm stressed out trying to figure out the 'correct' way to masturbate so that I can get a good sleeping pattern etc. I'm glad I figured out that your body needs sex as much as anything else or else I'd be completely miserable. It's amazing... When I started college, I didn't feel the way I do now. A lot of these idiots in charge of colleges have no idea what they're doing I tell you. I'm there and I of course know nothing about sex, so I'm thinking that's ok. I'll be a good little boy and do what I'm told by these old people who seem to know what they're talking about. They don't. They're just after that paycheck and so are the students, it's just business.

You pay them to get a chance to earn ridiculous amounts of money later in life. Otherwise, prepare to sweep the floor at kmart. Now, my thought process was thus: I'll go just to see what college is like. I was satisfied with my HS diploma and if it meant I could make money and live well enough, so be it. Im not looking to be a superman ceo corporate exec or anything anyway. I just want to eat, live, whatever, maybe save up for a yatch. That's all I wanted.

What you're told? Either you do what we want or you die.

Either you sit in class learning a bunch of crap you won't need and definitely don't need at that point in your life when your still mentally fixated on sex or we kill you.

Indeed that's the life awaiting anyone now graduating high school. Either you do what we the older generation tells you to do or we kill you.

For boys, that's it. I can't settle for an easier life like a girl can. And so many do once they find out that once you're out of school, it's every man for himself. Most girls find a big tough man to protect them.

That's why it shocked me to be criticized for my choice to join the military. For one, it's not going to be all fun, and there's always a chance I could get killed, as is evident in the news story this week about a airman who got blown up in afghanistan. All this "chairforce" stuff is a joke. Well, I'm seeing no difference between being employed here in civilian life or being employed by the government. I'm going to get payed shit either way, I'll have to follow orders either way, I'll have no way out of a corner if people fuck with me either way. In fact, being in the military might save my ass. People out here are animals on the streets. The last thing they care about is YOUR safety especially if you're black. People look out for themselves, always.

Like, college really isn't about you or your benefit. the society needs doctors, lawyers, detectives, brains, lots of it. It's a shame they deter so many good young minds though with their own stupidity. Look at that palin woman and her kid. She's a prime example, supports abstinence only sex education and of course then her own kid has a kid. Now she's forcing her daughter to tell other teens to abstain from sex. again I can't stress enough how important sex education is, even if it's just teaching proper masturbation habits. Why is it that everyone's expected to magically become a master of their own libido once married? Not everyone's interested in marriage. It's a bad bad bad mistake for a man to make these days. Even though It'll be a hard life, not having a girlfriend or wife and all that, I know that I'll be better off than the guys getting married and having kids at my age. That's IT for them, they'll never have their own life back after that. Even though I'm being pressured and bullied by my parents to go find a girlfriend, I'm not dumb enough to do that because I know it's all a joke. a hilarious joke, the relatoinship game. Women have strung us men up like puppets to get us to do whatever they want. And many men oblige because they're that desperate really...

Not me.

Damn I'm angry

I'm so angry. My father threatened me today, says that when I get into training I'll be wishing I was back home. Yeah right... I just don't get it. I know it's the "real world" which means that you should no longer expect people to be nice to you like when you were a kid. I get it. Not that I'm surprised. When you're a kid, sure people who are older are nice, but other kids tear you apart so what's the difference? I've been there, done that. I actually prefer verbal abuse to a bunch of dumbass kids beating up on me and getting away with it because they know they can. I'll be walking around in my blue Airforce uniform around my old shitty neighborhood and laughing at all the guys who kicked my ass anyway as they work at target or some low level crap as they try to pay off child support.

Being a genius as I've been told, is really not all it's cracked up to be for lack of a better phrase. I've got people trying to pull me into their bullshit views on life because they don't have anything better to do. Shrugs. Well to elaborate, we live in a nation that's predominantly white, religious, and heterosexual. Me being black, I've got one point against me, but another point would be if I was athiest or another, gay. Blacks, athiests, gays, all have it bad in this society. Whites are scared, and in my opinion, rightfully so, of gangsters influencing their children, gays, and athiests too. It's human nature and there's no changing that. I'm not even going to touch it when I'm working my job in the airforce a measly 2 months from now. I'm done with society. There's no pleasing anyone really. Do what you got to do in life and screw everybody else. None of them care about you one fart's worth no matter how nice they are to you.

On that point, my sister's here and she's playing 'nice' so she can get what she wants from me. It's what women do. When they want something, they'll be nice. When they want to hurt you or prove they're tougher than men, they'll subtly insult you, whatever. I don't care. I'm a man and tough luck kid, you were born a woman and that means you're not ever going to be able to beat me down no matter how much you whine. She'll be back in the kitchen a good 10 years from now no doubt. This world's not 'nice' or 'friendly' and ruthless assholes get the prize every time. So good luck feminists... Really... one minute you whine about there being too many asshole guys around then next as is the case with my generation of early 20s guys, WHERE DA REAL MEN BE AT? We're here, we're just sitting around waiting for REAL women to return. Then we'd love to take a bullet for ya no prob.

Here's meeeeeeeeeee!

OMG OMG OMG RUN! IT'S A MONKEY! iT'S GONNA TAKE OUR WOMEN! AND BANANAS!

I wish... The women part, not the bananas, tho I do enjoy them. You all thought I was lying about the handsome thing didn't you. ha ha ha ha. Oh yeah, airforce girls here I come!

Final Thoughts

I don't think anyone reads this blog, but here are some final thoughts anyway as I say goodbye and prepare for the next stage in my little insignificant life...

Boy... what a great nationUSA is... anything you want to do, do it, anything you want to be, be it... all you have to do is be willing to work for it, since nothing comes free.

Kids kids kids, I hope they understand that. Blame no one but yourself if you don't get what you want in this world I say. The door's never been more wide open to everyone. Granted there's corruption everywhere no matter what, but the system works when it works so don't pass up the chance.

Women, you need to return the love we men give you and stop looking for us to be your I don't know, villain. We don't want to destroy you. I hate reading that stuff online from feminist crazies. So many men have daughters it's just ridiculous. I'll likely have a daughter some day and I'm so hateful towards women, I don't want to be that way to my little one. I have a niece and I love her, but then I know who she's bound to become and it's just not a nice thought. Yes, I'd prefer women to be traditional wives just as I am about to become a traditional male. Most women end up that way no matter how you slice the matter. They're not built or designed for hunting and defending anything. I know many can achieve great things intellectually and that's fine, shrugs, but don't pretend you are a man while at it, meaning don't do like my sister and think she's better than men because she's got her degree and stuff. Whatever... Can you catch that mouse?

Men, we have to just suck it up I guess. No, I don't want to get rejected by women either but yeah we have no choice, either we do the brunt of the approaching or no one gets laid. Ever. I see girls talking about how accomplished they are at school, writing reports or whatever, getting great jobs, and I'm like, *shrug* whatever. Can you kick ma ass? Lol, no seriously, who are you going to hide behind when the shit goes down, ladies? a man... preferably one who's muscles are like a comic book characters. I'm going to get into body building when I'm in the airforce, yeah baby. I know now how to do it and what benefits there are to proper health. I can't understand why some people want to live out the rest of their life looking like stay puft.

I feeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeel GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRREAAAAAAAT now that I'm in better shizzape! Oh it hurts like hell to exercise but the rewards are worth it I tell you! Every day you become stronger and stronger. It's like you're growing younger! And I'm still young!

I think if i ever have a son, I'm putting him in karate from when he's a kid, definitely. None of this soda crap, none of this sitting aroud eating pizza all day like me. I can't believe my parents just sat there and, well, I guess since I was getting A's and B's they didn't care what I did, but hell if only I knew better I'd be in such great shape now...

I'm like rocky in that he was just in decent shape in the first movie then later on when he had more money and stuff, got in crazy ridiculous arnold shape. Beautiful thing the 20s, you can get crazy fit thanks to your abundance of testoterone. You peak at 30 then from then on, its all about maintanance. Or you can just roid up and to hell with it, go all out. There's this testoterone supplimant that they're giving to people 50 and over now because it keeps your testoerone levels up when they'd naturally decline. Sweeeeeeeet. That means we can stay fit longer these days.

Alirght then, that's all I have to say... I'm going to view some porn then go to sleep. Good night.

Shit just got real

I'm back from the gym... I have to say getting a good night's rest really boosted my energy level today. I was breezing through pushups like nothing, but it didn't last long. I don't know what it is, but I lost all power after only 48 minutes. I'm supposed to go a whole hour. No matter. I've found a way to maintain my strength, and it was right in front of me all these years. I didn't know what I was doing sexually. Man, it's just so FUCKING stupid that we don't have sex education in schools around here. How do we learn it? That's been my problem, not a psychological disorder. I just haven't been doing the right thing. Masturbate before you hit the hay, people. You'll sleep like a baby, then next day you'll be able to do things you didn't think were possible. You'll be like superman!

I'm STILL feeling the power I got from last night's rest, and that was just ONE day. Usually i sleep 4 or 5 hours since I'm so sexually frustrated. Nah, kill that with some sperm and you'll be sleeping a good solid 7 or 8. I have to teach this stuff one day to kids. It's so sad that many more will go through the struggles I have because their parents are idiots. Really, don't buy into the myth that all parents love their kids and will do whatever for them. There are some who have the kid, love it for 10 minutes, then torture them for the rest of their lives because of whatever reason.

Now I'm not saying all kids are good. some will push you to your limit and beyond. Some blacks for example, I don't know what it is about them, but they view jail as a right of passage or something... studying, reading, learning, fuck that shit. True enough, as a black male, you'll never ever get a girlfriend if you hit the books.

Now as for me, though. I'm not really black, black, I'm mixed, but it's not like I can go up to a bunch of white folks and have a party with them, i'll be the negro guy. ah, but here's the good part, when I'm rolling in my military salary, all those girls who didn't look at me because I was wearing my coke bottle glasses and carrying tons of books, won't be able to resist me... It's already happening. I'm in the gym and my arms are all ripped and I see women looking at me, same on the street, on the bus, then big asshole steps in and sits down, with his doo rag on and his bling and the women instantly melt at the sight of him... no matter, when I'm the guy in a REAL us military uniform, they'll melt for ME. weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!! sorry, no, uh, I want to serve the country...yes.... Country first!

Sex is necessary

Took me 3 whole years but I figured it out at last! I can't wait to teach my son this since it was never taught to me.

Sex is just another basic biological need. I decided to masturbate full throttle last night just before sleep and I got the best sleep I've had in a long time. I feel great today, not 100% but more normal than I've felt in years. I thought staying off it would make life better, WRONG. It's the opposite. It's like trying to not breathe. I'm so chilled, it's amazing... No wonder women love sex so much. Schools need to get their heads out of their asses and teach proper sexual stuff to kids, pronto. If I'd learned this back in high school, I'd have never had such a rough time. God damn, what a stupid world we live in. Thank you God for this wonderful little drug. Ahhhh, life is good, my friends... life is good.

Life is circular

Nothing changes.

I didn't know what to make of these words at the time. I was 18, 5 years ago... just sitting there bored with school. i didn't know what she was talking about, this person. I guessed to myself that she meant that when I was at work, I'd get the same stuff day in day out and just have to get used to it. Don't worry about the big stuff in life, just keep doing your job and so on. I see it now. As I worked at target, it was nothing like school. I came in, I washed plates, restocked stuff, made pizzas, served customers and that was it. That's what she meant. Daily life for a worker was just that, a circle. 5 days of the same stuff, 2 days of freedom, and around and around and around...

In another sense, my life story is also circular. My father was an airman. I too am an airman. His military career ended with an injury, so hopefully I don't repeat that shit.

But yeah it's true, nothing does change. In the grand scale of things, we're all just a microscopic spec in the vastness of time. Our lives mean very little compared to the much bigger picture, that being that if we don't find a way to survive off of earth, we're doomed. It's hard to believe in God with that kind of knowledge in place. I mean, yeah, either we find a way to survive, or our species is done. Think about it. That's why I wanted to join the airforce. They've got it right, their aim is not at the ground, the here and now, but to the stars. Its focus is on pushing the boundaries of human intelligence to whatever point can necessarily give us powers over our own fate in this world. Messes with your head, thinking about all this...

Oh well, that's life.

People love to talk but hate to listen

I don't know what the hells going on right now. My sister's playing mindgames with me, everyone is. I knew this would happen. I have a lot on my mind right now so I'm weak mentally to defend myself against their attacks, I'm trying to get over my addiction, trying to prepare myself for basic training, and as usual as expected, no matter what I do, they'll find something to whine about.

Why don't you have a girlfriend? Because girls are idiots these days who don't care about anything but mooching off of a man. now I know there are guys out there who think that's ok since to them having a girlfriend alone is worth all the money, but i'm not stupid enough to let anyone convince me that even though a woman these days can die on iraq soil as many have yet can't sum up the courage to approach a man, something so simple requiring nothin really, then I have to toss my hands up and just say screw it to the whole relationship thing. Women are stupid as hell if they're going to try to play like children who pester their parents then when their parent explodes on them, they recede back into child mode and whine about how they're children and should be treated as such. I think women are children, at least young women, though I've observed many women on the subway who's behavior would compare to that of an infant. Sigh...

I'm all alone on this one. My sister's so aaaaaaaaahhhhhh, why does she do this? She can't see how alone I am and doesn't care. I can understand a stranger from work walking around treating people like garbage, but a sibling? I don't get it and she's not even supposed to be at home. she lives in new jersey. This whole thing doesn't make sense. I'm just doing what I need to do and then the next moment, my sister's here bossing me around, doing what she used to do years ago which is be a condescending know it all. SHE KNOWS NOTHING btw.

Women love to talk and talk and talk, but when shit happens, who are they going to call? A man.

I'm laconic, always have been, always will be. I don't like to talk because I usually end up saying something hurtful because I have a lot of anger within me from my rough childhood. so be it, right... men don't have to talk. they have to do. Men are about action. Women are about peace and stability, as it should be. I'm sooooooooooooooo getting a girl from somewhere outside of the us. Women here are terrible, expect to sacrifice nothing, want it all...

My wife will be not only my friend, but respectful of who I am as a man, not like these crazies here...

Addiction part 2

Damn. I feel lost. The pattern's like this for me, internet. I stop masturbating cold turkey... then I go a day without it and I feel good about myself. Really I'm thinking about all the great things I'll accomplish now that I've kicked the habit and am free to finally be myself... then it starts... the living nightmare of addiction sets in. My head throbs, craving the endorphin high. I start thinking about all the bad things i've ever done and can't see past them. I start telling myself, just a little porn for a few minutes will be ok, then I do it, yeah I look at some porn and I get into the groove of masturbating for a while, thinking the whole time that i'll keep control of myself and just enjoy the calm before the storm if you get my drift. Then OOOPS! I try to hold it back, I mentally stab myself for having lost control, I beat back the urge as much as possible, but I of course fail and woooooooooo squirt mcsquirt, there it goes.

I'm thinking that it's impossible to stop, but that's the joke isn't it. No one knows... it's like asking what death is like or why we're all here, just one of those mysteries. CAN we just not masturbate? Wouldn't that eliminate our species? i read online about how sex is as important as breathing, food, etc. Then why do we not teach it to young people? Politics is stupid.

oh well something good happened today. I went for a jog just to get my circulation going after ejaculating and this hot little babe was standing around the block as I was walking by and her friend pointed me out to her, as if to say whoa check out the stud... Needless to say, I felt awesome! Yeah, I'm jacked now.

It pays off baby... Man, I'm going to have muscles, money, free education, and no children at MY age now. Maybe I'm still a virgin, but yeah, put someone like me up against mr. asshole jock in school and see who's going to get the girl first. bwahahahaha oh I'm so evil...

Dying Alone

I've been told that by my age now I should have just "found" a girlfriend, like those guys who go around asking anyone with breasts if they can get in their pants. I don't know why people tell me that. I was taught not to lay a finger on women by my mother, she'd yell at me if I teased and bullied my sister, call me a future rapist, etc. So I as usual tried to please everybody around me and be nice to girls... treat them like queens. HA HA HA H AHAAHAHAHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!

Women DO NOT WANT TO BE TREATED WITH RESPECT.

It's a sign of weakness. I'm all for trying to do as jesus would do, but it's just animal instinct at work. Women gravitate towards the guy who'll smash another guy into the concrete, every time. We humans loooooooooooooooooove to think we're above the lions, and tigers and bears, but oh my we are nooooooooooot. Just as the most aggressive male usually gets the first pick of mates, same applies to human beings.

I kind of believe that's how the education system works. Those with the best records, are granted access to the best mates. That's why when I went to a rinky dink college for losers, I was surrounded by fatties, there were a few super hot girls there though but of course they're superficial airheads who will likely get by on their looks alone and are only at college to find that guy who's going to make a great living some day, not to do any serious studying.

My sister's kind of like that. She's a genius, a lawyer and all but as a woman, she'll never ever want to be the aggresor. So she's being nice to me now even though she knows ways to tear someone apart mentally only because she wants to groom me into a more manly person.

Fact is in every community around the world, men are dying out. And that's bad because the world needs real men, real take a bullet and keep on trucking men. Men who built the hoover damn, created the fucking space station, keep the world functioning by the their own blood and sweat and can take a punch without whining like a baby.

Who's going to catch that mouse in the kitchen in this feminst era? That's why when I look around at feminist women hollering and talking about girl power, I laugh. Damnit it makes me feel bad to, but I have to laugh, similar to how some kkk members laugh at how blacks are taking credit for obama's success when I know myself there are a lot of stupid ass black people out there who need to get over themselves.

The world is changing, rapidly, day by day. I can feel it. And I'm too young to know how the world was before knowing how it ought to be. Back to my original point though, I don't want to die alone, but it seems like that's my fate in a lot of ways... I love women, but I hate their attitude towards men these days. We're just not allowed to complain about girls taking advantage of us. Man it's hard... I go to the movies last night to see star trek and the clerk there was just hot and she was doing this thing with her mouth that got my willie in a frenzy, I couldn't stand it... they just don't know how hard it is to be in our position and never will.

Anyway, I'll suffer forever in silence. that's my burden, my curse, it seems, for wasting so much of my life away on nonsense.

Quitting is hard

I want to say something here even though I'm so over this blog, I just I need to talk to somebody... I just got back from the gym. Everything's going well. I'm progressing with the exercise and my body is becoming more adapted to the work outs as the days go by. My trainer says i'll be able to do 50 pushups no problem by the time i'm done. I already know I can do 80 when I'm in the right mindset. Right now I'm not. It's like that part in rocky 3 when rocky lost his eye of the tiger. I'm in the same situation. Masturbation addiction is murdering me hardcore. Not even to mention how I'm there on the treadmill and I see bouncing little women buns all over the place working out. It's just bad man. Yeah i've never had sex and now it's worse because i'm hot and I'm in a good position to get some, but I can't because if I get a girl pregnant, I'll be disqualified. Anyway, I'm just worrying too much as I tend to do. I often don't realize just how good i have it compared to other folks who have real issues and problems. Possibly going to war is a BIG problem too but still. That's my burden to bear for having access to free college... Anyway, chillax, richard. I'll be seeing that new star trek movie. I want to take a girl to it, but I'm not crossing my fingers over that. I've been alone so long, I'm starting to get used to it really.

Giving my life to Christ

I have to decide now to give my life to Christ and his will forever. I'm a sinner. I've got so much evil within me, I have to fight it any way I can, and keep on trying to spread goodness whenever I can to make up for my flaws. That's all life's about. Too many conclude that we're here to survive, procreate, maybe accomplish some dream, then that's all she wrote. Some chose to do evil, others choose good, and the war between both sides continues forever. Indeed that war continues within me as I still fight my internet addiction and try to make sense my future airforce life. I have to do it. I can't back down from this. Man, it'd be so cool to be a pilot.

Still, what scares me isn't the hordes of people waiting to watch me fail, no, what scares me is myself. I'm a nice guy, I treat people with respect, I don't like to hurt people, but I do have a dark side like in star wars and it IS easier to just give in to it and enjoy watching people suffer, and it's just... I hate feeling like I've done evil and enjoyed it, but that's part of being human, can't fight that...

To end my 7 years of internet shinanigans, I want to leave behind a message that means something good, in that no matter how much you fail or fall, you should never stop trying. God is a funny guy and he'll give you some reward for being persistant even when all hope looks lost.

Slashfilm

Why am I still blogging?

I have to get this off my chest and into cyberspace. Today I made a serious error that's been prickling my brain, mang. I bragged. I went to slashfilm and commented jokingly about the new gi joe movie which looks sweet as hell, then someone very slyly responded in a racist kind of way, and then I as usual reacted defensively by wagging my new dick around that's my airforce enlistment. Yes, I'm now a military man, and that means I have to grow the fuck up. I'm going to publicly lash myself here for being an arrogant dick about my accomplishment, which I am proud of and seriously will push myself HARD to work towards my personal goals and make up for the mistakes of the past, of which I continue to regret, however that does not mean I must lose my sense of humility. I have no one to blame but myself really. I'm young, yes, a hotshot, brash, foolish young thing who doesn't know squat about the world yet, still green, but I can't hide behind that fact anymore.

I think about how many chances i've been given in the past to relax, nay, chillax and it astounds me. It really does. I should have NEVER set foot in a forum like that at that stage in my life, loney or not, I really wish I could take it back. Maybe my story will help them recognize similar cases in the future and better handle them, so maybe some good came of it I hope.

oooh k, i got it out there. I'm just beating myself up because you can't be black and fuck up. You just can't.