I feel like ass

I took that pic with my cell phone while I was in training for the airforce. I was the biggest I'd ever been after those weeks of gym use. I'd made money at my airport job and decided to get a gym membership and got a personal trainer who was worth the money, except for how much he insisted I continue buying more gym products and workout plans. That's a salesman, ruthlessly trying to make a buck. I didn't buy it and I pushed myself very hard to get bigger and stronger so I'd have an easier time in training, it sucked ass though not masturbating for those training days...

On that note, I've quit again, but as usual my body is in withdrawl mode. I know no one online cares about my problems, and especially considering there's people now in haiti who are in REAL shit lifestyle wise, I shouldn't be complaining, and I don't want to, it's just something that's like a constant drain on me that I can't fix.

Right now the airforce is in haiti helping people, so I read on cnn. Imagine that, some of the most racist motherfuckers in the world helping a bunch of black people. Yeah the military's racist, run by mostly white people, so of course they are. Maybe it's to make themselves look good on the news, or maybe they genuinely want to help, I don't know. Seemed like they were more concerned with their quality of life than anyone else when I was in there. They have this policy written in stone that every airforce member needs to feel good to be good at their job, no duh.

That's why I don't have a job now. I don't feel good. And no one gives a shit about me in this world except for how much shit they can get me to do whether it be go die in war or work a dead end job. slavery by a different name. "But we're paying you fur diz arunt weee?" some douche bag corporate slave would retort. Yes you are, but it's the job or nothing, exactly as you want it to be, same as slavery. no male in this society can simply quit his job and tra la la la go do whatever he wants...

It's like this. When you get a job as a man, you're a slave no matter what you want to believe. You can't do the job any way you want to do it, you follow rules, then you have to be willing to be a child basically obeying their parents, in this case bosses. College is only thing that allows you more freedom at work, but that's it, otherwise prepare to become another number in a big monstrous corporation. That's what pissed me off most, that even after you fight and claw your way through hell to do the right thing and finish your education, jokes on you, because now you'll be doing the same damn thing for the rest of your life, trying to get rewarded for good work by some old fuckers telling you what to do.

I was shocked that as a grown man (or so the law makes it seem) yeah I have to kneel and suck an often older man's dick to be able to survive in this world. What happened to all those silly rights I learned so much about in that fabulous school? Oh, right, school's just a big baby sitting business. the real world's a big ass free for all run by the very same assholes you hated in first grade, but now they're fucking like monkeys and have kids of their own to abuse.

I see gossip websites and I notice the same pattern, young and old celebrities getting into trouble over two things, sex and money. Tiger of course being the most famous one now. a black man who got himself the golden ticket in life ,a blond white woman, and fucked it up for himself. Idiot. I'll tell you straight up I'm not fully attracted to white girls, but yeah sad truth is that if you get one pregnant, your kids will be better-off, exactly why racism still persists in all lighter skinned people, the fear of blacks taking their daughters. Shit, but then i discover that some white girls only like blacks, period which is just way beyond my understanding, but everything in this world is beyond my understanding honestly. I'm mixed for that particular reason i guess, some white guy or white girl along the line decided 'fuck it' and got a downgrade, or honestly couldn't psychologically be attracted to their own race, weird bullshit but it does happen.

Still it's not like the media gives a fuck. Most tv and movies are still majority white as if there wasn't any kind of history making election a few years ago. 2 years almost with a black president, and all I've done in that time is make white people hate black people even more, not like it matters, no one's special now. Whites have fucked up the country, blacks have fucked up the country, asians, hispanics, doesnt really matter who's in charge or what they believe in, they'll fuck it up regardless. One lesson you learn when you get older is that adults are very stupid, easily ready to fight over petty nonsense.

Or they do it purposely to piss you off like my former co-worker. I mean, I do it sometimes to, part of being human, but to constantly want to harrass a person and think of nothing else, not even getting some pussy, that's horrifying. And the sad thing was that NO ONE would have cared if that guy killed me or just kept harrassing me, no one... i think to myself, if I was female my life would be so different.

but that's life. Some people are insane, some people got to go sooner than others if you know what I mean.