To be or Not to be

I've got nothing left in the tank... I've been trying to quit masturbating for the last 4 years, doesn't seem that long in hindsight, but it's been a hell of a journey, struggling to figure out what to do between my high and low moments. Life it would seem is about deciding whether to be a slave to your own urges or master them, become disciplined and mature which is harder.

I wake up everyday and feel like I should seize the day because while in bmt I had all my freedoms taken away from me. Psychologically they broke me down so well in there, that I still wake up feeling like I have to go run around and do pt before breakfast, they trained me like a dog, that's what they do in there to their soldiers, fuck around with their heads to the point where they listen to orders without question. I failed bmt because I was too stubborn to listen to direct orders. I think now that maybe I should have stood up when commanded, and shit. I'd have a steady job, prestigious uniform and all. And probably be doing IT, but god would i still have a load of semen in my balls everyday that I couldn't get rid of...

It's just not. stopping.... What was it all for, all my hard ass work to finish high school, move on to college, get bombarded with debt, then ultimately push myself hard in the mil only to come back home to my gigs of porn, alone, with but the joys of brief relief from my ever present addiction.

I tire of it. My Age creeps up on me now like I've never known it to before. How is it that I'm not even in my prime physically yet but I feel nearly dead already.

Should I give up trying is the question. My sister ironically in all her pomposity has never had to really think about it. Girls just bend over and penises fly at them. It must be nice.