spreading my blackness

The white man's greatest fear.

Yep, lovely world isn't it. You come into this shit as a black kid. You watch badass cartoons, you play with toys, you even go see cool movies, you do what you got to do...

then one day you wake up and you realize you're at the bottom of the food chain.

I'm watching porn right now. I'm watching this beautiful latina girl stripping and rubbing her vagina.

I wonder to myself if I have a chance in FUCK with this girl.

No, I don't. Nobody and I mean NOBODY wants to turn black. It's the greatest shock you're going to get as a black person in this world.

That's the one singular reason being black is extremely complicated. Nothing wrong with you, you're just a human, living your life. But ultimately you're on the outskirts of normal society, aka white society.

I was at work right... and I get assigned to the same spot as this big tittied beautiful little white/spanish girl. So we're both just chillin.... I think nothing of it, I ask her why the fuck she took this stupid job. She goes BALLISTIC. She thinks I'm hitting on her....

Woke me up. So that's whats going on in white girl's heads. They're scared of turning black...

Ultimately I played the "bad boy" for a while and actually got her pussy wet. But nevermind that... I never ever thought as a kid that I'd end up in this world as a man, a parasitic entity that the people who run the world would consider a threat.

It's the most depressing aspect of being born black and ultimately living black. That despite your natural instincts to procreate and spread your seed, you're the undesirable element in this world...

Makes me wonder why there even is a serious black power movement. Black power to do WHAT? Fuck white girls?

Goddamn drives me crazy. I LIKE white people. I like asians, I like hispanics, and I like indians. I love looking at naked sexy women of those varieties, but it's hard to realize now that I'm looking at a person and a body that I can never put my dick into with any seriousness unless that person's out of their goddamn mind.

hmmm... what kind of crazy is GOD. That he would give someone this kind of life? 

It's been truly a complicated life I've lived and ultimately NOW it's WORSE. It sucked before when I was dealing with black kids harassing me constantly. It's even more shitty now that I got whites on my ass too. Although I have to give credit to white people. I go on the train to work, and they don't bother me. They've got term papers to write, college classes to take, they're working on their masters degree. Yunno, gotta give you guys credit, you're busting your ass to get places. And because of that, you don't waste your time shitting on a black dude haning out on the train. Its just something I notice throughout my life, white people are just too fucking busy to start shit. Black people are NOT. All the time in the world... nothing better to do than shit on another black person. It's like living in hell.

That's why I say I wish I was white, because then, there's no tension. Immediately the military took my words and twisted it to mean "he thinks white people are just sitting back sipping lemonade." but that wasn't what I meant. I mean that, I wouldn't even have to think about race at all. I'd just go wherever I wanted, do whatever I wanted, and not have to think about it.

I went to manhattan to the Hideo Kojima ps3 signing, I'm a New Yorker. I go to the city all the time as a kid. Then I go there just to see the whole party they're having because I love Metal Gear, always have. Suddenly I'm in line and I ask these two asian guys something and they start snickering at me. I wonder what the fuck... then it dawns on me, I'm black. They're racist asians. They ultimately answered my question but wow, even asians fucking hate black people. I guess there's some truth to that, they don't want to turn black either.

OK I GET IT. YOU DON'T WANT ME FUCKING YOUR DAUGHTER.

Ok, cool. I respect that. Actually, when I was in BMT, they basically made it clear, they don't hate ME, but they don't want their kids fucking someone like me.

I have all the respect in the world for a white person who stands up and makes it abundantly clear that he's just not wanting to turn black one day, instead of the kind who just beat around the bush about it. By all means, express that thought, it's fine. As a black guy, I understand it. Just let it out, say to the world, I want to stay WHITE.

Don't hide it.

Moving ON. I don't even know if I want kids. Especially after this life experience I don't honestly think it would be wise to bring someone else into it. And the outlook for me looks very grim. I do indeed have the kkk on my ass. I'm hated by alot of people, and ultimately I have it 10 times harder to get some pussy than a lot of guys, so it's just crazy man...

 My life has been INTERESTING. Very INTERESTING. I've done a lot of things, been a lot of places, seen a lot of shit. It never stops being a hell of a ride.

You can't say who's life is undeniably worthy of being lived. It's not up to us, blacks won't dissapear. yunno, it's just the hand you're dealt in life and you can't change it. Ultimately it is a hinderance, you rlife will be more complicated than if you were white or asian or hispanic.

I kinda like the fact that I'm hated and despised by people though to some degree. Then there's no possibility of being hated. I'm a thoughful person, I think to myself, why bother with the tension at all, just up and hate away all you want. I can take it. I don't know why exactly, but I can handle being treated like shit by whites. It doesn't really make me feel too bad at all. I don't know why really. I guess it's because I'm a part of this universe whether they like it or not and deep down I know that... It's just that I wish I could really feel included instead of having to worry about how I'm coming off all the time.

Sad to say, but because I can pass for spanish to some degree, I don't get the brunt of the Racism. I think that's what it is. WHen they figure out that I'm black, that's when the racism starts. But It's funny to see a white person or any person treating me like a spanish dude for a little while before they notice I'm a nigger...

Ugh...