Death of an Icon, Life of a Legend

Michael Jackson is dead.

That's about as short and to the point as my reaction was at the time but as it begins to sink in more, the gravity of what losing him actually means begins to swell... He was from my perspective a black youth in the bronx, a damn hero honestly. My parents worshiped him. I couldn't believe the things he was capable of doing both vocally and physically. I sang his songs, wanted to be a singer like him when i was little. He inspired me to work hard since he proved anybody could do anything no matter who they are or where they come from. His death means A LOT no matter how fucked up he became later in life.

Michael Jackson is dead.

A part of me died too.

How can I make it right

Ugh... I'm so spent. I'm trying to quit masturbation and it's just clouding my mind with sex and confusion. I don't know what to do about this. When I was younger I started getting my natural sex drive, right and it was what it was, later on it started to worry me because I didn't know what to do about it. I also got too into the internet forum world which is truly dangerous. No matter, I suspect it was all a part of some greater plan. Some people go their whole lives never knowing about the things I learned through the internet, so there was some positive outcome in the end. But i must admit I'm lost.

bmt is in about a single month from now and I must prepare myself mentally and physically for the torture I'm about to endure. this is some jesus christ shit. I read that there's a part where they actually shoot live bullets over your head while you crawl under it. For the love of, that's nutz.

The pressure's getting to me. I'm thinking about how i fucked up at college that one time, and how I got into forums, and how no one on those forums cares about me, and how I'm wasting my time thinking about all that shit, and how I should be building a thicker skin for when I come up against people in th efuture. Which unfortunately I know im not suited for. I've got not an ounce of mean asshole ability in me. I'm just not capable of it. Others think life's all about domination and that's their right I guess. I don't think it is but how do I make sense of surviving in a cruel world that could care less how nice a person I am...

sigh... God is the answer in the end really... when i think about God I feel so alive and fearless, but my faith isn't as strong as it used to be and I doubt myself all the time now, my skills, my passion, my worth as a person, all come to question... Oh how I remember when life made sense... childhood had its downside but it was a lot less confusing.

Failure

I failed. The place wasn't open today or something. Still I got to see some nice titties while walking around. I have to extend a thank you to all the lovely girls out there who know they're God's Gift to men in this world and aren't like those snobby feminist idiots trying to turn all women into lesbians. I wish I could do more than just look though... oh well.

Gay shit

Man I'm pissed off, pissed off about being pissed on in life. This is how it is right. Men are expected to do EVERYTHING. Find a job, get rejected tons of times, figure out the right masturbation habits, yet if we complain, NOBODY CARES. i think to myself, ya know, if I was a chick, everybody would be tripping over each other to help me.

Anyway, I got some money in the bank, so I'm going to go down to that paradise lounge in manhattan today to check out the half naked bitches up in that shit. BRB with pics.

Shiiiiiiit

Man i busted a nut anyway. Can't say I regret it. Y aknow I hate this world man. I wish we had a better education system that taught kids what to do about sex but its a joke, man. Gay ass joke..

Spectin me to be readin books and shit when I can only think about grabbing a big yummy set of tits and pumpin my dick into a bitches butt cheeks. what a world.

Golly wiz

I put some hair milk in my nappy nigger hair to see if it would help make it less like a wild jungle ape's fur, give it a more civilized appearance. I got to tell ya internet... That's the problem with niggers, they don't teach their kids shit. I never learned how to deal with these fucked up naps. I'm also abstaining from sex as an experiment to see if I can go without it. It's been said online that either you simply don't masturbate during basic training or the military puts some kind of drug in the food that slows your sex drive. I hope I learn about sex in there. I'm 23, right. And that's old. but you know why there's such a huge disparity between boys and girls as far as maturity and graduations go? Girls get fucked when they're like 10 or something. Boys, not until at the least 18, most probably 30. Thats why when i was at college I saw a lot of older guys there, niggers my age, white boys around 25, indian guys lookin 27. They've been in entry level jobs for a while and were just trying to get a degree so they can get pussy. Same with the military. Lots of virgins go in like me I guess, hoping to look sharp so they can get pussy when they come out. It's better to try than die alone anyway.

And women know this. They're crazy. I hate women, they think that we don't know that they're playing games and stuff. I don't mind working, but what I do mind is having to be the one to do all the work when it comes to getting pussy. But society's fuzzy on that isn't it. in truth, we live in a society here in USA that's terrified of talking openly about sex. Why? Because there are children listening. And no one wants children thinking about that. Most kids see marriage as a fantasy thing that they'll do some day, not the part about sticking a penis into a vagina. They're not told shit squat about that in school. So they drop out and learn it the hard way. We believe we know it all, but man are we humans dumb as shit. When DO you get to fuck? Never, if old people have it their way. Young people despite working hard in school all their lives are expected to then want to go work for some bullshit employer. If they're smart they'll get a nice easy job and find a bitch from some other country to fuck. That's for sure... That's what I hope i can accomplish. I'm determined to give back to society but I have to watch my own ass too since NOBODY cares about me. I have to find some butt and the one advantage I have is that women today are scared of dying alone so they're much more willing to give any swinging dick a chance now...

Oh yeah, don't even get me started on that. All these independent career women are miserable as hell because they've now realized being a man is shit. No wonder so many female teachers have sex with students. Oh well, I'm just going to sit back and watch the world collapse in on itself. ORRRRRRRRRRR see how women come around to realizing they were wrong. La la la la..

And shit

Man I'm horny as hell. I hate being 23 it's stupid. You know what the best ages are? 14 was the shit. Probably 25 will be good too. Beyond that maybe 30 but this shitty period 18-25 is just retarded for a male. I'm so horny it's rediculous. And what am I supposed to do about it? When do I get to fuck?

Getting pussy

Getting tha poooooooooooooonay nay is I believe something i should elaborate upon. My entrance into the military will undoubtedly lead to chances to get sum booty. Hell I'm in a position to potentially be shot, if a guy like me can't get some, there's no hope for anyone. Yeah... sex... I think once I put my penis into a woman, I'll finally be a real man.

Life plan part 3

I need to devise a life plan again. It's become clear to me that when I get in the trenches down in lackland etc. I'll forget why I even enlisted and become all myopic and not be able to see WHY I should keep pushing myself through the rigorous training. Just a while ago my dep commander mildly insulted me for my habit of making snarky comments reflexively, and I've been thinking of nothing else and she was being "nice" compared to how the TI's will be treating me. If I don't keep focused on my life goals while inside, I'm frankly going to go loopy, fruit loopy.

Plan:

To get laid. I want to at least get some pussy before killing myself from life's stresses. Lord knows it's everywhere, but women are just stupid and don't approach men so the most aggresive male always wins, ya dig, or the richest. Nothing changes as I said. women will flirt and talk and all that but unless the guy is mr. suave they want nothing to do with him. And I'm so out of the loop on relationships that I can't understand what's right from wrong to do anyway.

Definitely to get a degree. I need to get one since it'll make life easier and stuff. people with degrees aren't scared of anybody and they're like an elite class of people who can just go where they please and do whatever they want to do and nobody's going to mess with them. Imagine that... the internet taught me that if or when you get going in life, there will be people out there who are like phd level who just want to screw everybody over and that to me is terrifying.

Uh, make money. that's all I guess.

Happiness is good fun

I'm for the first time in a few years I think finally feeling happy. I know more about the world now than If I'd stayed in college being brainwashed to work some dead end corporate job. Yes maybe I'd be able to get better jobs with a degree but "fitting in" to the mold would have in the long run been my undoing as many men express online as they do what their mommy and daddy said they should do, be good boys and then later on find out that it's the cold hearted ruthless assholes who thrive in this society. So now they're stuck working some boring 9-5 having to beg for sex from the millions of gold digging sluts out there. My decision to not follow that path has left me scared deeply, emotionally, and I'm doubtful that I'll ever fully heal from it, but what I've learned about people has been I feel worth more than the emotional turmoil.

What have I learned? People are complicated. There is no black or white with any of us. What is Normal? Some would say men being the head of the house, women being the nurturing caring one, is and so people who don't fit that standard are considered unfit, outcasts in communities where certain cultural norms have been established. For instance, as a black man, I have to out-do and express myself better than most of my fellow students etc. because the immediate thought about a black person is that they're primitave, stupid thugs etc. There's no changing this no matter how many blacks are president. It's the first thought anyone thinks of dark skinned people. It's in our dna to make quick judgments on the go without thinking things through.

Gays are a new thing. I really am quite fascinated by them. I'm not gay, was taught from childhood that boys and girls get together and so I've developed that mindset and girls are awesome to me, but it's, how to I put this... the world's going to have some thinking to do on whether gays are in or out as far as acceptability goes life-style wise. Society loves to entertain the thoughts of changing things, but THEY NEVER DO. Don't buy into the thought that people will over night stop thinking in terms of "us vs them" because we have to. Psychologically we don't function if we don't believe we are right in what we do. And that's the problem. We all think we're right and everybody else is wrong. It takes stuff like wars to change anything, people do need dramatic exampes to break them out of apathy like batman said. sigh, I'm so damn confused about my place in the world and the way the word works is that you have to join a group to be considered normal, so people know where you stand. Women have formed the feminist movement as a way of creating a divisive mentality and in my opinion a victim stance for themselves that's always convenient in times when they need it. Men have tried to create similar things, but truth is men hate each other so much, there's never going to be a time when all men will be on the same side. Not ever. Get a group of neo nazis and a group of black panthers together and you'll see them making friends with people who are similar to them regardless of race.

I think sometimes if I should be struggling to make sense of the world, push harder to understand deep scientific shit, become better than the people out there who can shred me to pieces without even trying, and all that, but then I think it through and I look up at the sky and I know, I just know there's some great power at work that's far beyond any of us mere mortals. Faith's the greatest power of all, I feel. Too bad so many have lost it and rely instead on their own limited perspective. How will a person like that ever know true love, I wonder. I've known it, it's like living without fear. I think that's what happiness truly is actually. My greatest fear right now is basic training, but maybe after that, perhaps after I've proven myself capable of overcoming my fears, I'll find happiness at last...

Intelligence

How strange, I must say to be smart but never smart enough. It's true, man. People have devised ways of identifying who is smart vs who is dumb etc. More so who is capable of what jobs really. People in the A range in school will go on to work highly intellectual jobs, people in the b's will be their employees, and people in the c's will be average folks, bus drivers, ramp agents, presidents (lol), well, you understand.

You get what you earn is the way the system works. The harder you work, the better the pay-off, or at least that's how it's supposed to be. Let me tell you what I was thinking about before I left college in 2006... my future, simply that really. I saw myself in a cubicle, maybe eating a sandwich I bought at mcdonalds, maybe typing on the computer or talking on the phone. I'd then leave work and drive my delorean home... maybe masturbate to some porn after dinner and do it all again the next day. I'm 23 now. I know 23's not THAT old, I know that there are people my age who own their own house, work corporate, have kids maybe, and so on etc. I also know there are people much older than me who are still working on a bachelors degree, but it's no excuse for me. I should have finished and just made money and lived an easier life than the guy who's just a diploma guy.

It was a haaaaaaaaaaaarrrd decision to leave college. I knew that with a degree I'd have a chance to be set for life. It's kind of like a easy way to identify who's worthy of a certain job and who isn't, really... You can't just hire any fool off the street. But the question remained to me, would that make me happy? Being in debt and paying it off perhaps, would that make me happy? Is anyone happy in this world after college? Once you DO get into the real world, outside of school you find out that the world's a big joke really. We're all actors pretending to like each other while if we had hte chance, we'd step on each other to get some fancy new trincet, we're bad.

Anyway I don't regret leaving anyway. I learned a lot about life by leaving, probably more than I would have staying. We pretend we're equal when truthfully we're not. How do I put this, NOTHING CHANGES. We can argue politics back and forth but we don't change our basic biology because of it. Blacks are still slaves in the sense that many whites wish to tame them and teach them to be obedient, act more white, but then you have whites who are at war with each other over what's "normal" behavior, and everyone hates Gays, and athiests cry about not being taken seriously... but at the end of the day, we all agree to cater to the children and it's a constant cycle of grown ass people trying to control each other.

I don't want any part of it. I'm sick of it. I want to live a peaceful humble life away from all these strange folks and their yack yack yacking on about what's right and wrong. And on to my original point, philosophically i've become aware of what people are REALLY afraid of, geniuses. Geniuses are people who are exceptionally gifted in some intellectual capabilities. Art, Music, poetry, math, whoever can do it better than the rest, rather easily, is considered genius. I'm a fast learner, always have been. I can grasp math concepts with ease, learn technical skills quickly, and apply them too to make things happen, create shit. My mother says whites are afraid of me, my sister says I'm a genius, but I don't feel like one.

Politics, man ruins everybody. I never got taught about sex. So I'm STILL struggling with it at my age, trying to figure it out and all that. When DO you get laid? It's SUPPOSED to be in college, I know that. That's the alloted time when you're supposed to finally grow up and start learning adult life, but not everyone does, and so they say "sink or swim" and those who can't fit in get the boot....

About sex, I stayed off the masturbation for 2 days straight and things went swell. What happened was that I started feeling cranky and shitty though just a few hours ago and so I just rubbed my penis into my bed sheet and I squirted out a decent amount of semen that gave me a more relaxing feeling. I imagined what it would be like to squirt it on a girl's face. I must say whenever I'm around girls, they make me feel good, but they're so weird. I don't know what to do witht them I tell you. I hate being a virgin. I'd like to get it over with before going to basic so I don't have to feel like I'm this outsider. That's all they'll be talking about in there, tits and ass this tits and ass that, and I'll be like the 40 virgin guy saying tits feel like bags of sand. Actually I have to say they feel like little water balloons. I'm telling you interent, my dep commander's a little crazy, rubbing her tits on my arm to get me to lower my guard. WORKED. And I stupidly confided in her that I was lonely and shit, which she quickly snapped up and fucked me over with like they do in the military. Sigh.... I don't care about girls anyway, fuck them. I wish...

What is Adulthood?

I'm already aware of how the world works. It's a place where people form clubs, gangs, clans, and social groups then basically go to war with each other over pointless crap. Some argue it's in our nature to do so, some say it's not. Such is life.

But what is adulthood. Is it being alone? Is it being part of an orginization? So many conflicting definitions are bieng tossed at me, it's just pissing me off more than helping me make sense of it. I know that when I'm in the airforce I'll be put through a system of behavioral modification, similar to how a dog would be trained to do something for a treat. But ya know, that's life here in America ANYWAY. Work life is just that, the more you prove you're a good employee the better the treat. We profess freedom, then somebody somewhere WILL tell you who your supposed to be and how to live every subsequent year of your life, when to do this, when to do that. This civilization IS a prison. We just don't want to believe that... the main difference being that we can supposedly have sex with opposite sex out here, but good luck getting that going at my age.

At the parade I saw a lot of hot young women, tight bodies, ready for sexual exploitation or whatever, right, and I think wouldn't it be great if I could live that side of life. But the powers that be want people my age to keep it in our pants and just sit and study instead for hours a day, THEN we'll get to have fun at some point I guess..truth be told though, the younger you are, the harder you're expected to work even though you don't have the mental clarity from a good solid sexual relationship to feel like working hard. It's just sad but they don't care, they just want to have someone there to pick up stuff and do this etc.

If you're smart you'll get a brainy job. My job in the airforce will be same as this shit I'm doing now, sitting at a computer. That's what you want. I hated cleaning and lifting things at work. Sitting on my ass pushing paper is what I want baby. I'll die for that opportunity. Truth is, If I don't make in the airforce, I WILL kill myself. Judith wants me to believe that I should become a teacher or something for kids and dedicate my life to them and all that, because that's like some unwritten law, once you're a certain age, you have to sacrifice your happiness to help kids, but I can't do that. If I'm not happy, when are THEY going to ever be? Shouldn't I be rewarded for abstaining from sex all these years? What the hell?

It makes me angry to think that what you do for people will never be enough, but it's the truth. Like that dude at work, I could have agreed with every point he brought up but he'd never be satisfied, he's a sociopath, gets his jollies from arguing, period, doesn't want to find agreement or make sense of things, just wants to argue and argue some more. Some people will do anythingn to make a sale really, once you get down to it. Thank GOD I'm going to be amongst some decent people who have people's best interests in mind when I'm in the airforce. I personally want to help people since no one helped me, but the more I get to know people the less inclined I feel to put my ass on the line to help them. But that's the truth ya know. I want to be a hero not a villain. Hopefully being of that mindset will matter to the airforce.

Girls

Being told by a girl that you suck and shit doesn't feel good at all. I don't know what to do with them. They say they want respect, then they do everything possible to make you not to want to respect them. Oh well... At least I'll have money and a secure job. I'm not looking to impress anybody. I shouldn't even be alive right now. Once i saw episode 3, I said I'd just kill myself, but then batman and superman came along and I had to stay alive for that.

I'm starting to think I'm being watched too which is freaking me out... something my sister said, but she's not some kind of spy or anything... I hate being alone but i have no choice, people will abuse me if I give them the chance. And sometimes I'll abuse them involuntarily. If I can avoid it, I'll try my best though. I read all the time about marriage being very hard to maintain and demands work. Interesting...

Lonliness is so maddening though. Still I feel it's justified for being such a fuckup all these years. I'm thinking right now about whether to watch porn or not too. On one hand, it's good to release the sexual tention, but on the other I have to save up sperm so I can shoot my load harder in the future and create a greater sensation. I wonder what sex is like. I watch it all the time but to do it, that would be something amazing. I can't understand why gay people like gay sex. It's still sticking your penis into something warm and tight fitting so that you can stroke it long enough to ejaculate. And there's no resulting fertilization from the action either so what's the point of doing it in a man's butt? So silly...

ok well that's all I have to say.

Emotion

I'm feeling an emotional reaction today. It hurts, frankly. I'm used to subduing all emotion because the minute you let it known that you're human, people pounce on that and they won't be stopped unless, in some cases, you take them out of this world. We lust for other's suffering, sad to say...

I don't know... I didn't intend to make myself known to anyone, but this bitch sees right through me, knows I'm not that smart, knows I'm shy as hell around girls, all that shit. And she's 4 years younger than me, so it's that much more embarrassing that she's light years ahead of me intellectually. Still, she's gorgeous... I wonder why she's joining the military and not doing something easier. She must be god damn crazy. Pretty girls in the military just makes no sense to me. No doubt she's looking for the thrill of the job and potentially a hard core badass no bull shit husband who's probably killed a man. Lots of girls are looking for that guy these days since they're so rare.

Fucking shit, I wish I didn't have emotions. I know that they're temporary and what feels like it'll hurt forever will be gone in a few days or hours. That's life, man. You maybe wake up, eat, go to work, come back home, have a beer, and do it all over again the next day. It's not complicated.

I don't know if I can take BMT. I lost my mind from some douche on a forum, how am I going to handle the real thing? My answer? Fuck it. Just go crazy. The mil works like this: They don't care if you have personal issues, can you get the mission done. period. They'll give you what you need as long as you meet the requirements. Hopefully, that'll be the case. I don't know yet if I can. I'm physically in the best shape I've ever been in, but mentally I'm a fucking mess and I know there's no fix for that, but I have to do this shit, what else am I going to do if I don't make it in the airforce?

Gay part 2

Cute chick insulted me today. Fuck. It's a first taste no doubt of what's to come at bmt. there's how do I put this, no safety net there, no mercy, no law. The military is the law at lackland. If you fuck up, they don't give a shit. I guess it's punishment, for my wrongs and stuff. I don't have friends, I don't know how to talk to people, I ain't never had sex, and likely never will, and that's cool. I'm not trying to be mr. cool guy who gets all the girls anyway. in any case, I have a deep disinterest in american girls since they're simply retarded, claiming they want one thing and going with another.

I started thinking as I was there in front of millions of spanish people, I made the wrong decision, this is bad bad bad. One minute I'm watching porn, the next I'm on telemundo! What ever. I'm going to be doing what I always wanted to do in life, that's all that matters. I just have to stay focused on that. Truth is, nobody cares about me, so I don't have to care about other people.

Binary is the shit

I'm watching saving private ryan now. that's what I do. When I'm focused on something,, such as the military basic training, I can't think of anything else... *shrugs*

And I'm studying this electronics book my father gave me. He knows electronics backwards and forwards having studied it in the mil and for his job at transit. So he says I should prepare before going to take classes for computer programming. I'm studying binary coding, which is the language of computers. Its not that hard to grasp. I'm figuring the studying I'll be doing will be similar to what someone at a cheap ass community college would do, still I'll be gaining mad skillz that'll no doubt earn me a good job if I decide to leave the air force.

Honestly, I'm scared of going. There's going to be so many white people there. Not that i'm scared of them, but I don't like having to constantly think of whether I'm doing something that'll make them all racist or something. As the internet knows, I can be an idiot at times. No matter, no matter, just play it cool and do a good job.

Oh crap

My Sarg called me today and invited me to participate in the Puerto Rican Day parade. Oh what the hell am I thinking... I don't know anything about puerto rico! I've got nothing to do with spanish people. Oh well, maybe there will be food. I'm going to be marching with other airforce recruits or something I guess, in front of millions of people... How'd it get to this? Sigh... Hey look on the bright side, it's not like I'm storming the beaches of normandy... Seriously if I can't take being at a parade, I have no place in the military.

And maybe I'll see that hot chick I saw from my last dep meeting there. She's so damn cute... kinda looked lesbo though, whatever. I'm thinking of her little bubble butt every time I do the deed. tee hee. oh yeah.

June 12

I'm watching forrest Gump now. I always loved this movie. I don't know but I always could identify with Forrest, being bullied at school a lot myself, and falling in love with one of my classmates too who I'll never see again. Out of all the pain I've been through knowing I'll never see her again hurts worst of all, but what can you do... All the dreams, gone...

I know some people hate this film because to some it's saying that any idiot can get anywhere in America. That's only if you look at gump as an idiot, in my mind. He's a real man to me. Humble, loves people, isn't afraid of anyone, a good son, great friend. Maybe he doesn't know how to calculate the hardest math equations, but who does? I don't get why anyone wouldn't like this movie. Well I like it.

I think Gump is Jesus. Everywhere he goes, he's bringing people hope.

Jesus Christ help me

You know what I want to do? Be a fighter pilot. I watched top gun yesterday before going to bed. Forgive me for stealing the movie, but it's a real classic, from when movies demanded more creativity and craftsmanship and intelligence... I think for the time being it's my fav movie, mainly for its style and some kind of I guess spirit of artistic excellence. Good times. Cruise back then was a christian, lots of people were, and still are in the military though today he's gone crazy and joined Scientology. I don't even know what those guys are trying to do. I know christians and catholics etc. are trying to promote peace and infinite forgiveness for sins etc. But scientologists? Wow, it's like, what? What are you guys doing to help? Well, we have freedom of religion in america so *shrugs*.

Yeah I'm back despite saying I'd leave. I just can't... I don't think I'll truly be gone until basic next month. Theres no half assing basic training. I've got one shot to make this work and if it doesn't I'm frankly fucked in life. I could continue to get entry level jobs and maybe go to school part time but it'd be, how do I put this, a dead end... And I hate dealing with jerks at work. That makes no sense to me, how some people at work want to put other hard working people down, but it happens. Human nature and all that... We are awful.

I watched porn this morning and came and it was what it was, hopefully it leads to a full 8 hours tonight. I slept well last night, I think in part because I shot a load from my morning wood.

Ok then. Oh and I'll read the bible so I can get some holy inspiration. The big fat loser at work tried to tell me being religious = bad. But I'm the one about to get a desk job and learn skills that after my military career will allow me to make a lot more money than him. Where's the benefit to being athiest, dude? Cuz I don't see it. Not to brag, but don't mess with me when I have God in my corner.

The hardest thing is going one more round

when you don't think you can. When you honestly just want to throw in the towel, quit, just crawl into a hole...

I feel like shit. I feel like there's no winning in life for me, I'll always be alone, always fuck up, always try and fail... I'm 23 goddamn years old. who am I supposed to be now that all that kiddie crap's over? Am I supposed to just... what? Get laid certainly is a priority, but I don't want anything to do with parenting. This is stupid as hell. I'm about to kill myself going through 2 months of basic training, then 3 months of tech school... I'm capable of the physical tasks, but mentally I'm unstable, can't concentrate, feel fucked up because of the internet, the damn internet. You should never take the internet seriously, really, since it's a bunch of freaks on there... but I'm crazy like that.

*shrugs* life's a bitch. And yeah though I'll get kicked around and likely beaten again, I have to keep going if I want to get what I want out of it... shit. Oh well. I'm gone. I'm done. No more blog. I have to get serious about military life. I want to become stronger. Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhh!!! LET'S GO! IT'S TIME BABY! MAN UP OR SHUT UP!

Good day today

I got some new sneakers. They're the ones with the cool springs on the bottom just under the heel. They make running MUCH more comfortable for me, what a great purchase... I don't know... Sometimes I think I shouldn't be spending money on stuff since I don't like to be flashy, but hey, there's a lot of cool stuff to buy out there and when I get the money, why not? Thinking about it today, I'm not like other people... I'm just simple. Other guys they have to get new toys, new expensive stuff, to impress the ladies... I've never been interested in that life style. I've been taught to be humble, think of of the starving kids in africa or wherever who can't afford a meal.

And it's true. Here in USA, we have it GOOD compared to some places. We're better educated, we have an abundance of food, we have too much in fact since now obesity is a problem, mass production and the advent of global economy, as well as the ease of communication these days has created a massive market place where you can make money, sell, buy, do anything through the web. A lot of young entrepreneurs actually tried to create their businesses solely online back during the .com boom where people started online stores and such to sell their services. We can still do that granted, we figure it out and all. My area of expertise will be in computers once I get into the air force next month. So I'll have the option to do it then if I wish. It's going to be sweet to have the freedom, the American freedom to do what I want to do once I'm through basic.

It's a whole knew world now. nothing's real anymore. Everything's digital, from movies, to music, to even money! We don't need cash, really, don't know why we still have it. Well, I'm going to use my airforce pay to play the stock market once I get in. Then it'll be gravy, baby. If things go well, I'll just keep making money money money, if they don't, I'm ok since I have a secure military job.

6 year enlistment, 29 if I decide to leave. What to do at that age? I don't know... I've lived a sheltered boxed in life, don't really care to nor am interested in going and working outside the military. Some other folks get their college degree, make way too much money and go out to fine dining, have kids, and all that, live life to the fullest. I've always considerd myself a soldier. A warrior. I love a challenge. And what doesn't kill you only makes you stronger.

Eh at least my leg's healing from that car accident. It's indicitave I feel of how lucky I am to have a healthy functioning body while other people don't even have half that or are too old to be free to reach for the stars like me. Makes me want to be the best I can be. Older people know this and encourage me to work hard but that basterd at work, oy, I can't get him out of my head... grow up guy. Seriously. Playground kids tease each other because they've got nothing better to do. As an adult, you ought to leave that behind and think of building a future family yourself but adults are stupid sometimes. I would have LOVED to bring kids into this world had I not had first hand experience with how awful this place is. I do not envy those who decide to do it, but they probably know how to raise their kids RIGHT so they're not worried. Anyway, God I love what you've got in store for me here. thanks boss. I'll do my best.

Why me

Ouch ouch ouch. I was running on the treadmill today and I blacked out from exhaustion for like a second and I fell on my ass because of it. That could have been bad... Luckily I just scraped my knee and that's all it was... I think "that's life man, shit happens..." But I hate being the center of attention especially for shit like that. God punishes me I guess for my wrongs in the past, what else can it be? Is it because I'm more hateful towards women now? What? They started it, big guy... Oy... I'm not going down though, just going to get back on the horse, that's the way to do it, ya know...

I hope to myself sometimes that I'm just in that part of life before things get RRRRRRRREALLY good and you hit your prime and get to go to the beach with sexy ladies and stuff and enjoy yourself for once... I hope...

I'm a masculinist

It's become apparent to me that I'm not alone in thinking that my generation of men, not just black men, but white, and asian, and spanish, and all the other races in between, indians though i don't know if they're just white people with tans or not, but whatever, and I'm done being told by women who I'm supposed to be. Yes, I have a grandma, a niece, a sister, and a mother and I like them all well enough, but they've never lived in a man's body and never will. I see the way the world is, tossing men under the bus and proping women up over them as these amazing things and I'm angry, I'm ready to explode with rage over how we're actively being abused by society. This is what the KKK is complaining about really, blacks play the victim and get away with murder against white people who were just not doing anything to them. This I understand now more than ever as a man seeing other men struggling under a system that's against them.

Are most men complete shit? YES. But some of us are decent men and we're all being painted with the same brush here and it's just a big pain in the rectum to try to maneuver through a world that's been fucked up for us. I think often about the young athiest asshole at work who tried to make me seem like less of a man for joining the military. You got to be kidding me. I'm more aware now than ever of the kind of freaks in this world. I reaaaaaly could get shot to shit in there and all other kinds of crap if I get captured and it scares the hell out of me thinking about it. The only comfort I have is knowing that I already have family members serving and they're doing ok, just doing their job and not going into battle fields and shit. Really though it doesn't matter how good a person you are, some asshole will always be there trying to break you down. You just got to do you, man and fuck everybody else in this world. They don't CARE a shit about you no matter how convincing their argument is. THERE DAMN WELL IS A DEVIL. And he's ready to fuck you up bad if you let him.

God help me. I'm going to get through this rage and confusion I hope, live a decent life, meet a real woman in some other country, love each other equally, not pretend we're exactly the same physically and mentally. It's not going to work, all this theory about men and women being perfectly the same. Life's given us both different roles to play and there's no changing certain roles we have to perform. Men are always going to be the warriors and women will always be the reason men go to war. And around and around it goes.

I'll dedicate my life to this political agenda the same way women have dedicated their lives to finding ways to subvert men's rightful dominance over them.

June 1

Made it...

Today was a ok day, nothing special happened. Went to the store to buy soda and apple juice... yum.

Though I have to get my feelings out on something that still bothers me. I'm pretty clear on what I want to do, just be an ordinary military man. If I die, though unlikely in this branch, so be it. I've made my peace with that long ago.

I don't know tho... I don't know how to be a ruthless jerk, never had that kind of way about me. I was taught to be nice, so that's who I am and I usually get my face kicked in for it. Yes I can be a badass sometimes, but it requires great sacrifice on my part, the kind that eats away at your soul etc...

My niece is going to be a great person one day. Saw UP with her and my sister yesterday... I guess I'm getting a preview of what it's like to be a father of a daughter... she's just a kid now, thinks the world's all fun and flowers and girly junk. She has no clue what kind of anvil's about to fall on her once puberty kicks in full throttle. I guess it's no big deal for girls, I don't know anything about their development. For me, it was rough specifically because nobody taught me anything. I can deal with a boy, teach him how to be at least a 23 year old virgin like me, not necessarily a manly man like other guys who've seen and done it all and are just chillin, watching their kids grow and protecting their family. You got to respect that.

I hate it, the whole 18 thing, like I said before. My cousin still lived at home till 25 or so and he was in a masters degree program, already had a job, he was just getting a boost by not having to pay his own bills yet that's all... And he's awesome. But it's complicated, my situation... I didn't really care about anything when I was put into thousands of dollars of debt against my will. My parents were so thrilled to have me gone from the house, they didn't care that I wasn't intending to finish college in the first place, just planning to get a job and go about my business. But no, that's not the plan. You go to college, you get in debt, you finish, you get the top job, and pay off the debt as you work your way through it and buy a house etc. I didn't like that. for one, when do you get a break? You go to school all your life, then you work all the rest? Good grief, and well, it's complicated...

Whatever, just got to keep moving forward in life... I'm so saddened though, thinking about how I have to face my future alone. Girls girls everywhere but not one isn't a golddigger! OY!