gay

My Sargent stiffed me on the hotel since I was late, my fault. I thought he was cool. But he's strict as hell, tough military people... always kicking ass and being badass. Oh well, got to be able to take the hits myself. I can't cry like a pussy about this shit. Can't cry no more. I'm making THE decision of my life. This is the test, my final right of passage into manhood, not some sissy college shit. What I'm looking for is a brick wall so thick, I have to become some kind of superman to break through it. By God, I have to do this. but it's hard when you're alone. Yeah. Oh well, just got to get it over with, then go on to work another few weeks until I hear about my enlistment. Fuck that's going to be tough. I'll watch some military movies to pass the time.

Awww hell naww

This is it. I'm off to MEPS. Just gonna chill in the hotel tonight, have a mini-vacation, then go through the medical screening process to hopefully get everything in order there so that the surgeon General can overturn my disqualification from the military. This is deja vu for me since i did this back in florida in 2004, only that time I was a lot dumber about how the world really works. Sometimes telling the truth isn't a good idea, that's all I can say on that matter.

Time to MAN UP. Let's do this!!! LEEEEEEEEEEROOOOOOOOOOYYY!! jjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjeeeeeeeeeennnnnnnnnnnnnnnnkkkkkkkkkkkkkkiiiiiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnnnnnnsssss!!!

peanut butter jelly time

Back from work. Tired. My foot's got some shit wrong with it. My brain's craving some endorphin high. I ate some candy though I'm not supposed to since it'll cause weight gain. I figure my body's going to gobble up the sugar anyway since I'm in much better shape now than I was last year. I'm back to the same weight I was when I was about 16 or so. Amazing how all my weight problems were caused by poor nutrition. Isn't that just shit? Why don't we get THAT taught to us in school instead of fucking parabolas. Oh right, because pepsi co. needs kids to buy their shit. Sigh, well I'm going to sleep and then tomorrow or today rather I go to a hotel to spend the night before heading to MEPS.

I'm so scared. This is it, man. If I don't get a waiver from the surgeon general, I'm done, no airforce for me. I ask myself, am i really willing to do this? I could die in the military. I don't even know if I'm doing this for the right reasons either. Do I really want to give back to society or want to be respected and have potential to get better jobs etc. What about all the assholes I'll meet inside? Will I be tough enough to handle their shit?

I don't know...

Lonely little world

I'm an old nigga now, got to act like it, be more mature. It's hard to figure out what to do though. I'm still a virgin after all. What do ya do when you're supposed to be an adult but still living the lifestyle of a punk kid. I want to have sex, but I don't want kids. Big problem if I end up with kids... Sure I'd be the best dad ever since I'd put all my effort into making certain those guys were happy. But for real, I don't know where to begin with getting a girlfriend. Girls expect men to be men! But good luck trying to expect women to be women. They'll go crazy and shit.

It's stupid but that's life. All women want to be with someone who can protect them when the moment comes, either that or he's got a lot of money, so they'll never go hungry. Shit, I'm in a bad place. If I don't get in the airforce, I won't get that sweet pussy. I'll die alone.

College dropout

Yeah I did it. I dropped out. Why? Cuz I was done. I didn't have anything left to prove to myself. I was alone. I was supposedly in thousands of dollars of debt, but I didn't know whether that was serious or not. I thought it was just a way of motivating me to finish. Ya see, I was done with my first semester, found it to be easier than my first year of high school, but anyway my parents took out a big ass loan to pay for the next semester. This fucked me up, thinking about all that debt... I didn't expect it. Plus I wanted to learn the tricks and shit that psychologists use only to learn that they don't know anything special and that this world we live in is a big pile of nonsense. People work anywhere because they've got no choice. Girls can and will often whore themselves out since they can make more money in one day than they can working at mcdonalds for a year. So in conclusion, all that "respect women" talk is garbage. It'll get you no where.

Anyway I'm glad I dropped out. And according to the internet, so are many other black men. That's good. They'll learn more about life by living it than they will hearing about it from some stupid bitch who's whole life is in a classroom. Women can have college, honestly. I don't give a shit. I'm more concerned with the budding Men's Movement than I am with being a nice little metrosexual who's in some college bitches friend zone. She's going to use your ass as shoulder to cry on then fuck the big blue collar fucking GED graduate who has more personality and confidence than any college degree can give ya.

My advice, learn to live by living it. IT WILL BE HARD, no question. You'll find out real fast that people love to fuck with each other for no reason. You won't learn this in school where you're being conditioned to be a little corporate whore sucking on someone's dick for a bit of money. But yeah, don't just sit around hoping other people will live your life for you and OMG a degree will solve all my problems. Not gonna happen.

As a man, I know I have no choice but to get a job and die doing it. Fucking sucks but oh well. Gotta eat. That's why I hope I get into the military. If not, I'll just find another shitty job and just live. That's all life's about really, survival. I don't know why people are killing themselves to get degrees. You'll end up a divorced guy paying child support and shit. Just survive, baby...

redemption

I hope I can change still. I'm almost 23 years old. You're supposed to have your degree and everything by then, I know that. But I needed time to re-energize myself before tackling MORE school work. Truthfully though, college is not as hard as high school. I don't know what it's for really. Seems like a weak ass boarding school where you sit around and learn bits of stuff then go out to become one of those snobs who thinks they're better than average people but really isn't.

I keep thinking about that jerk at work who I'm no longer working with. What scares me somewhat about that is that that guy was just one example of how the real world works and he wasn't even the worst of what you can find out there. I mean, he's a new black male, internet junkie, similar to me, but he knows how to fuck with people's heads similar to a lot of intelligent people do online all the time. so when he's up against people who don't surf the web daily, he has an idea how to manipulate them. What if I didn't know some of his tricks? Would I have been fooled, I wonder? The nerve, to try to subtly manipulate me into seeing his fantastic perspective on the world despite believing himself that he'd never want people to do the same to him. Damn, people love to go against their own beliefs. I'm like, dude, get a degree if you know all this shit about reagonomics and social darwism. Don't go talking that shit to people who toss bags on a belt at jfk.

Lesson learned, that's how people are in America. They don't care about each other for shit. If they can trip you up and watch you fall they'll do it and not even blink. They don't care, they're fucked in a little dead end job too, and they're fat and they're ugly, so to hell with you, right?

I read earlier about some 14 year old girl taking pics of herself for her boyfriend, and now she's being charged as a child pornographer or something. What the hell kind of backwards world is this? Take away the camera and tell the bitch to go back to her homework. Don't charge her. Who wasn't experimenting sexually at 14? And the bitch has a boyfriend at that age? Oh shit. She's ahead of the class! Promote her a grade, i say. I wish I had a high school bitch back in high school, man, nice little budding body and everything. Let the young people have some fun in life, damnit... shit, just sitting at school all day trapped... can't have no fun. What a world.

Hope can kill a man

Red's words from shawshank redemption, probably the best movie ever made. Saw it for the first time when in high school. I don't know why they showed it, but it really woke me up to the magic of cinema. It's not just a bunch of talking heads. It's mysterious. Magical. When done well, completely enthralling.

It's many times tapped into that side of all of us that can't control tears flowing.

Anyway, sigh, I sit here every day remembering the mistakes of the past. How if I just only knew the way the world really was, I'd have done things differently. And now I'm too old to go back in time and fix them... I guess that's life. No going back.

I feel tired, broken, powerless....

And afraid.

Afraid that if I try to hope again it'll just go no where as usual. I gave getting out of high school every ounce of mental strength I had. So what was my reward? MOOOOOORE school of course.

And a faint promise of money money money after graduating college, which is a lie. You'd be ahead of the crowd for sure with a degree, but no guarantee for a job. Oh well, I never had a chance. You can't NOT teach kids about their sexual sides and expect them to just figure it out. But that's the system and no one dares to change it around here since it seems to work out fine. So stupid. More young men will drop out, more women will graduate, more of the workforce will be female, and over time they'll eventually be begging for the men to come back to the top jobs as women run away from all the hard work and go back to being wives.

I just know it'll happen. My sister's so stupid despite being so smart. She's only academically smart. She knows nothing about practical everyday stuff of which I'm more knowledgeable. I go to relationship forums across the web and see girls like her on there who've got the top job but don't have what they need which is relationship advice. Oops. well, tough. You got everything you wanted, girls, now please just get to work.

what is it I hope for myself? Nothing really... I said it before, I didn't expect to be alive now honestly. I planned to exit this world. I will eventually so whatever...

Society works like this. You're born. Your parents plan out where you'll go in life. You go waste years of your life learning useless crap in school. Then when you're ready you're put to work and pretend to be happy working until you're old and ready to die, and the cycle continues.

That's one of the reasons I dropped out and instead joined the internet party instead. I knew there was nothing special about staying in school then joining the work world, same shit, different title.

But at last after I've been to war online and in the real world with my parents *they did try to kill me* I'm all sorts of fucked up. The only hope I have left is the airforce. I believe I was destined to be in it. If I don't get in, I'll just fuck off this world. I don't care about anything anymore... sigh, no that's not true. I'm just alone and it sucks.

Life goes on.

oooh that star trek movie's looking good baby. Classic shit.


I mean really this is THE return of the classic trek characters! I won't bother with the internet junk since I'm just not strong enough to deal with people's insanity when it comes to sci-fi movies. Wooooo but uhura, oh yes. Come on baby... give me some of my lovely uhura, Abrams.

I'm going to sit with my popcorn and hopefully by then a girl beside me and for the first time have a date with someone. I need money first though.

sigh. I foolishly believed women liked us guys for who we were. WROONG. They like that paperr. Money's everything after all. We're all slaves to it.

Alrighty, tomorrow will be a grand day. The last day with that jerk at the post office, then I switch to night shift. If I didn't play my hand here when I got the chance, I'd have been stuck working with this guy until I got into the airforce. Oh baby, I got to talk about that. Airforce means everything to me. I grew up idolizing it since my father was in it. I wanted to get in it years ago but I fouled up. I don't have anything else to look forward to now but that. either I get in or I work some dead end job with no possibilities... no awesomeness. What kind of life is a life lived to serve some company when you can learn to kill folks and stuff in the military?

When God pees, it rains

I got a cold so I won't be saying much. I'm supposed to go to the MEPS tomorrow to fail it so that I can get into the airforce, long story...

I don't know whether I'll be able to go though because I couldn't get in contact with my sargent to find out where I'm supposed to go to catch up with the 5 am shuttle to the meps. sigh, I'll do some internet search for it and maybe that will help.

I did it btw, made it through 2 days of torture and I'm very proud of my accomplishment. It was a hard decision to simply ignore someone you work beside but I knew it was best to keep focused on work and not on animosity between two people. I think to myself a lot, who am I? What's so great about me that I have to make every moment a life or death situation in my little life? I don't really matter, so why go getting into drama with people over nothing that will eventually lead no where. Don't make sense to me to do that...

well time to sleep and somehow do what needs to be done tomorrow. I'll report back soon.

Shit

tomorrow's going to be tough. I made a pretty bad mistake today at work that I've been killing myself over. I dropped a huge can pretty close to where a guy was standing. If it was closer it'd have crushed him. I'm glad nothing happened, but wow what if it did... messes me up mentally this does... But no matter. I got to be a Man about this and press on.

YES. Come on! I can do this! I'm going to do this!

Why's it going to be tough? Because he'll be there, the big pain in the ass co-worker guy with the halo cult. I just know he's going to try something. And I don't know what to do when that moment comes. It's over between us, guy. I'll be working nights in the bag room and you'll do whatever somewhere else. So let's treat each other like strangers!

WTF I go out on the streets every day and don't seriously interact with people since I'll never see them again for the rest of my life. Same shit.

GOD I Got to get in the military. Got to... I have no other alternative but that that I can think of. Sure I can bounce around from job to job, but I'll be a nobody. I see people who've got their college degrees and they're all happy and clean and stuff. me, I'm this dorky looking guy who's nothing, not super intelligent, not a serious threat to anyone, just practically a walking corpse.

I'll go as far as an associates and be content with that. Just do my job and find a good girl to settle down with and make some kind of little life together. That's all I want... But I have to become a strong man to do it. This world is NO JOKE. People don't care about you or me. They'll crush you and happily walk away, no pity. So you better defend yourself somehow. I'm hoping I learn some type of mental and physical skills in the military that will help me, otherwise, I'll need to make an insane choice to push myself to beyond my current limits and survive any way I can. Like I said, I'm not going down without a fight and I'm fully committed to that.

Brains

I have a high ass IQ... That's one of the reasons why I'm motivated to pursue a career in the military. I know I can do the work. The other reasons are because it's going to lead to college, and I do want to help the country. I wish I could have gone in years ago, but shit, that's life. Sometimes you have to sacrifice for what you want. So I'll be in at 23, so be it. I WILL get in. This is not a game anymore. I'm an adult now and when you're an adult, life is serious. I still feel like myself though even though I'm a bit more wrinkly and my hair's receded half an inch. Probably due to my bad health habits growing up. I wish someone informed me about good nutrition. If I knew how damaging a simple soda was, I'd have never drank so much of it back in my childhood years.

Now I just have to maintain what youth I have and keep in good shape for the future. I want to be one of those 30 year old guys who you can't tell is 30, hell there's 50 year olds who you can just tell have put effort into maintaining their health. That's what I want, but I got some kind of nerve damage on my left side of my head that's been a problem since 05 and stuck with me to this day. It hurts every day people. I'm never free from it.

On top of that I'm always horny. I'm on the train and this beautiful chick is there sitting across the car, and my dick just shot up at the sight of her. Same with a girl at work. Why does the world expect people my age to be all about the books and hard work? lolz Nature don't work that way. It's stupidness. I don't understand how they expect teens who are at their sexual peak not to have sex and then when they reach their early 20s everyone's teasing them because they haven't had sex yet and are losers. It's ridiculous. If you're a teen, just go ahead and screw, get it out of the way so it's not so interesting anymore. I wish I did. I wouldn't be this awkward loser who's always horny if I didn't do the whole nice guy thing.

Women don't know what they want really. They say they want a nice guy but then get with the jerks and assholes. They say they want to be treated like equals then expect to be bought by men who give them special treatment. It's just unfair and women love it. I see it all the time... When it comes down to the hard cold reality of life you won't really find a woman who's fully independant and doesn't want to be protected by a big strong ape of a man, which are becoming more rare these days.

Hell i'm about to watch Brokeback Mountain to see what all this gay shit's about. I understand some people are born gay and all that, but I think it's having a bad effect on kids since some kids probably don't think they're gay until they first hear about it, then they develope that mentality and never go back to being straight. That's just an interesting theory I have.

Making the choice

I don't consider myself to be a great person and don't pretend to be. In fact, I'm far from it, weak, insecure, stupid, but I know I'm not a bad guy, and I love to make people happy, so those qualities I still think make me worth something in this world. Unfortunately not everyone sees a nice friendly guy like me as someone worth an ounce of basic respect, so what is a person to do about that? I've decided it's best to ignore this pain of a person for the time being as I just do my job and not think about anything else. It's a shitty job, honestly. I don't care for it or any job. I'd rather be having sex or doing something creative, but I have no choice. It's my responsibility to support myself now so whatever... I guess I have to find a better job, I don't mind retail. If I can work at best buy, I'd be the happiest guy on earth. I don't need to go any further than being surrounded by technology on a daily basis. I'd kill that job I tell you. Anyway, what was I saying... the choice. Yeah, I had to do something a guy like me has a hard time doing, hating someone. I've been raised to be peaceful and loving to others. sure I've hated, but never truly acted upon it. We ALL hate people, but when we're given the terrifying choice to actually do something about it, what would ya do? Would you have the guts to kill a man?

I've never seriously thought about it. As a military man I will have to face the fact that if I do go to war, I will be in a position to kill people, real people, not videogame people. There's plenty of people I'd love to kill throughout my life thus far, I can say... Some lives are just wasted too, what with all the people I see sometimes who are fat and don't care about their appearance, or dumb and don't care about getting smarter, which is not as impossible as it seems. This asshole halo dude at work as I've said, i would like to kill, but I'm doing everything in my power to just avoid that point.

I relapsed yesterday too so my mind's all messed up from having ejaculated. I don't know if I can win.

Well the halo retard tried to talk to me today, forcing me to give him attention and all. I had to choose to act like he didn't exist, practically killing him in my mind. I've never in my life de-valued another person's humanity to that extent before. Mother fucker screamed at me he was so furious that I wouldn't give him what he wanted. Fuck you guy, I'm not your boyfriend. I don't give a fuck about you.

I felt like a god damn man.

What's a man's place today?

Wallets... I chose to work as a ramp agent rather than a bank teller or some safer shit specifically because I wanted to experience life as a real man. but what I'm seeing is shocking stuff. There's a few real men here. They're tough, know their shit, do their shit, then go home and fuck a bitch. I like that. You won't find that taught at college. Unfortunately I have this little jackass pussy boy with his halo cult and little political tactics trying to prove he's a real man because he's doing chores and working a shitty job while doing internet awesomeness in between halo sessions. I hate him. These other guys are good people, do unto others as they'd want done to them, wtf is up with this guy. He gets the sense that I'm lost, and don't have much knowledge of the world, and wants to father me, teach me his views when he'd never do the same to someone older. I worked at target and never got treated like this, stupidness. just do the job and leave me alone. Casual chit chat is good, but trying to convert me to your beliefs, uh uh, buddy. Work first, soliciting later asshole...

About the shocking part, we're slaves. The job's everything to these people. They do it because they'll die if they don't. I don't know how good a life that is.

Anyway yeah I'm learning to build a thick skin which means you have to shut people out sometimes and just focus on the goal. I'm reading online about how my age group now is not living up to the standards expected of us, to basically kill ourselves working for some businesses like our parents did. I understand the disappointment and such but I have to say "fuck you" to that. Yeah I basically did squat for a year and a half of my life, but I damn well earned it. I was tortured in school and now I'm being tortured at my wonderful job, so why is it my generation's supposed to be eager to go be independent etc? It's hell. And we know it. We actually want to enjoy our lives for a minute, thanks...

I know even in the military the shit will drop and I'll have to fight someone who's got a chip on their shoulder about having a small dick or something. Life is War.

Being a man in a woman's world

No country for old men indeed. I'm 22 now, soon to be 23, YIKES. I never expected to get to 23, but I plan to make the most of it once I'm enlisted. My recruiter was enlisted at 24, has a good job, a girlfriend, and he's so cool and intelligent, and classy, not like this guy at work who's just socially awkward yet thinks he's the most normal person on the planet. I'm going to bid for a different position at the company and get away from him for good, hopefully. I don't mind working. I can get food and toys etc, so whatever ya know... but I'm in no hurry at this point in my life to leave home and become trapped in a meaningless work-life. Do I even have to leave? Where am I going that's so different from here? I'll still be alone, still be fighting porn addiction, dealing with people who DO for whatever reason like to mess with others. Now I know why organizations like the KKK, colleges, biker gangs, gangs in general, all exist. You can't walk freely around independently and not have to worry about people trying to screw with you. So you need to have some kind of backup or else get boned by someone out there.

About being a man in a woman's world... I have this theory that even though I'll be at my age and not have my shit together or house and car or what have you, it's ok. The world's changed. Feminism has destroyed the need for big tough men to do all the work and buy the house and car etc now. So why bother? Why kill myself for that stuff when I can be the woman now and find a woman to take care of me... if only it were that simple... Men are still expected to be the hunter in a world where that's been mostly abolished. ha ha ha ha though, once you women have had your fill of being the tough office worker or whatever though, lol, you'll come looking for a guy like me to be your care-taker.

I'm still a boy now. Not a man yet. When I have money, muscles, that's when I'll be a man. Maybe at 30. My goal and focus is on that. I have to not let some idiot at work drag me down into his world of ridiculousness. Be careful kids, don't trust anyone. I made the mistake of trusting this guy at work with some personal info and now he's trying to dominate me because he knows I'm not a big threat to him. Asshole... I'll take away what he wants, and that'll be the end of it. Master yourself, discipline yourself, don't let anyone control you but YOU.

This guy's got to go

I WILL BE AN AIRMAN.

I WILL FIGHT FOR MY COUNTRY.

I WILL HELP THOSE IN NEED.

This little dickhead fat loser at my job with his halo cult, trying to do his best to belittle me, someone willing to put his life on the line to protect him and his freedom to play xbox? OK, I really wish I could kill him. Some people just need to get off earth. If all they want to do is antagonize, harass, insult, and be a thorn in everyone's side, then good riddance.

That's why I'm not a concientious objector. There ARE men and women out there who are pure evil, voluntarily. I do what I believe to be good, get a job, be friendly to my coworkers, lay low and not break any rules and what do I get but harassed and belittled by some dipshit. On top of that I lose my wallet with all my important stuff in it while on the subway.

I feel like this is a test of some kind. It has to be. I have to chose to keep taking the hits rather than run off and hide. But it's hard to be alone out there all the time facing all this nonsense.

God give me the strength.

I mean really

I simply said no one plays game boy color anymore. and the guy went home and brought his game boy color in the next day to prove me wrong. What the hell...

Jesus

I believe in him. I believe.

I lost my faith once and I WILL NEVER LOSE IT AGAIN. My brain's all messed up but I'm getting better day by day, oh dear lord I pray. I WAS starting to feel less suicidal until I started getting messed around with by master chief... This guy at work, sigh... I want to be nice to him, but he's an athiest, a 21 year old punk who believes in the power of pure logic I guess and has figured all of life out all by himself. Interesting, but boring, and he's a boring person on top of that reality. He's just so clueless as to how stupid he looks to others with his halo cult. He has no regard for anyone else either which I guess is how the REAL WORLD works, people toss each other in the garbage without a bit of remorse every day. Look out for number one is the rule.

WE'RE HUMANS. Why can't this guy see that? We're not perfect. We'll jump to wrong conclusions and kill millions because of it. We don't always know what we're doing. We need to have faith to give us the will to take a risk despite not having all the answers. at leas that's how I view religion. Why do you have to tell me to stop believing, guy? What am I doing to you personally? I'm getting so angry that this guy is trying to push his opinion on me while complaining about how religion's are the cause of all life's problems. You dolt, YOU are the cause with your psychotic ambitions to rebel against the government through fucking halo.

What, the, hell. I'm just going to work and ignore him again, don't need the stress. Lesson learned, trust no one, and don't let anyone know your weaknesses. They WILL over time try to use that against you for their own amusement.

me against the world

My time with ASIG has been so far enlightening, strenuous, trialing, and in today's case, empowering. I ignored him. I straight up didn't give a fuck about his existence and it felt great. Usually I'm a softy, you know, that guy who's nice to everybody. This guy at work's a real psycho, acts nice, then once he catches you in his web, shanks you in the back then chuckles to himself. I've met this kind before.. people. damnit, I hate them. But not that girl I keep seeing around work. I'm hesitant to talk to any of these cuties because I don't know whether they're already with someone. I'd love women to ask me out, but good luck with that. This is an old religious custom, man courting the female, and all this equality feminism bullshit hasn't dared get rid of that since it's beneficial to the women. Fuck us men. Also, I've come to the unfortunate and overwhelming realization that girls my age aren't usually virgins or inexperienced with relationships. I tried twice to talk to a girl in high school and failed both times. College I didn't know what to do there since girls by then are already either with someone or yeah, not still new to the sex stuff.

22, now... sigh... I still look like a teen. you really can't tell with some 20 somethings can you. I don't know what to think of myself, man, boy, what? Well anyway, tomorrow, I'll just do my work and not even look at this asshole guy. If I need to give a complex reason for why, then it's because it's detrimental to my personal safety at work to be harrassed by a fellow employee. The other workers there ignore the hell out of me, so whatever... doesn't seem that bad. I guess that's just work life, a bunch of people pretending to like each other while viewing each other as walking caskets.

Help me Lawd

I'll make this post brief. I'm fretting having to go to work tomorrow because I'll no doubt meet up with this big depressing blackhole of a human being. He's like me, has some college, right, and because of that tries to play top dog who has these amazing college powers that can be used against anyone who gets in his way. No denying that he's intelligent, but lacks any humility. MF tells me he can't get a girlfriend to stay with him and can't figure out why? Well partner, you're ugly for one, and you think you're perfect when as I've observed numerous times, you're not.

Stupid job, I want to leave. My head hurts. I'm not THAT desperate for money. It's just me here at my parents house that I will own in the future. I can just chill for a few months as I search for a new job closer to home, rather than kill myself traveling 2 hours by train and bus to JFK to then be abused by some little bitchy guy, then go home and have no time to relax.

I hope there's a God because I can see my future and it's having to deal with jerks like this guy, all by myself. He'll poke and prod and what can I do? I'm not one to want to hurt a guy but I should defend myself. No one should let anyone walk over them. Alright, we'll see what this twisted asshole does. I'll take a pic of him and post it here to show you this bane of my existence, disturbing what little peace I have at this awful as hell job.

Cruel world

I'm in a real bad situation now. This guy at work's a 21 year old loser cultist, right, but he's got a huge ego. The other dudes I work with are pretty average regular people you'd see daily, not thinking they're the center of the universe. I don't know whether to think I'm the crazy one or he is sometimes... is this just how Americans are, each individually thinking they know it all? I know I'm stupid and need to go back to college and learn and become a better person, but this guy he thinks he's the next president or something like that. He continues competing with me, arguing with me, putting me down. No one else does this since it's just rude, and unethical to do so at work. Sure this job is a dirty blue collar job so there's really no such thing as ethics here, but I'm thinking this is something personal. And if I fight back, then what? What's the point? We're here to do a job, keep society functioning, be mature adults who may have differing views but respect each other as Americans should.

Well I'm done with him. I'll never talk to him again no matter what. It's stupid to try to be friendly with someone who's only desire is to break you down mentally. I'm already mentally weak from my last few years of insane internet use. I know the best thing to do in life is lay low and not stir shit up with people, but as always, someone says "hey look, a fine target for abuse has come along, let's bully him and laugh..." SIGH...

Help me Jesus, help me...

Doctor Charles

I now know why psychology is taught in college. Me, i'm well aware of my own mental health issues, which are a concern to me but at the same time I know I can control myself enough not to hurt anyone, I'm really harmless nobody out there. But this guy I work with... Today I thought I'd just go to work and have a decent work day and then just go home, nope. I haaaaad to deal with this asshole guy. Assholes, bullies, whatever you call them they exist EVERYWHERE, they're all kinds of people, and they're always out for one thing, the joy of seeing someone suffer. But I'm thinking this is adulthood we're in, we're supposed to just do our job and not act like immature children who tease and insult each other, WWWWWWWWWWWWRRRRRRRRRROOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOONNNNNNNNNNNNGGGGGGGG!!!

this guy I'm convinced is a sociopath. These types of people feel no pity or anything for anyone and care only about themselves. He's arrogant, pretends to be friendly, then bosses me around like I'm 10. A grown ass man telling another grown ass man what to do? Go fuck yourself guy! I wish i could have said that, but I know that's what he wants, to get a rise out of me then play the victim role if I tell him off. Why do this? EVERY TIME. This is every day stuff, folks. I can't spend one minute with this guy without him trying to put me down. I don't get it. The other guys are damn human beings, sure they have their suspicions and insecurities, but they know that the best thing to do is smile and be friendly to others, which is what I do... You don't need religion to know that's how to behave amongst fellow people if you don't want to cause any trouble.

I wish I knew what to do. I want to quit this job because dealing with this psycho's such a pain, but I'll press on regardless. Maybe it's punishment for my crimes in the past, but damn I wish I stayed in school now... at least there I'd be amongst people who knew what they were talking about instead of being lectured by mother f'n master chief here... damn.

Who am I?

I'm a writer.

I've finally made up my mind on what it is I want to do and it's to write. It's cathartic for me because I'm a troubled person with a lot on his mind about the way life is and I want to put it down on record. I'm scared honestly of being an adult and what that means because I honestly don't know what it means. 18 and poof you're a full grown mature adult, huh? Well where's the maturity cuz I don't see it. My brain feels sort of compressed on the left side like there's a problem there, not enough blood... and I don't know whether that's from my over-use of the internet or just from not getting girls or what? I'm weak because of it. Emotionally... I can't feel anything.

Life is like a movie I'm watching to me, not an interactive experience.

I used to feel different.

Well whatever. I'm tough, just need to fight my way to the finish line... writing's not hard, yanno. Everyone thinks you have to kill yourself to do it, but nope, just write, anything. Just write.

Number one rule though, don't lie. You can't go wrong with honesty in my experience. Leave lies to those who want to be thought dishonest and untrustworthy.

I'll never lie again after the superman wars which still haunt me to this day even though it's been years. Years only exist when you actually live them. I've been doing the same stuff the past couple of years, no changes, nothing... still some idiot at a computer with waaaaay too much free time who needs to get his act together.

I feel horrible every day. I wonder if it's just my body's changing or punishment for dropping out of school. that seems silly to me because I'd feel this brain pain regardless of whether I dropped out or not.

Anyway I'll be able to think more clearly once I've overcome my porn addiction. It's an addiction, no getting around it. I'm like a methadone addict or something, like how those guys feel crumby if they don't get their fix? I still sort of think maybe I'm not addicted, and it's just normal to want sex, but that's just my brain trying to trick me into giving in to temptation. I'm not some kind of bible thumper guy who takes religion as undeniable truth, but maybe there's something to that whole idea of not giving in to lust, I don't know... Well got to go to bed and wake up for work tomorrow. good night.

Things are looking up

I'm going places guys and gals. Woooo I got a call from my sargent, seems like there's hope left for me. I can feel slightly happy inside from the thought of it. My entire spirit is dependent on me fullfilling my lifelong dream of becoming a military man. I don't know where I'll go after that but by God I will do everything within my power If I get in to give back to society, help the little guy, all that stuff. I will not stray from that view point. I will do it. I've done a lot of wrong, and I'm thinking the best way to rectify it is to make my life worth something more than what I do now which is put mail on conveyor belts at JFK. Oh well, yanno, since I'll have enough money to buy a car, so whatever.

sigh though. I'm so lost still. I'm depressed, lonely, a little psychotic, fearful, suicidal, just a mess. I have to struggle to keep finding a reason to live every day. What the hell am I here for anyway? i should be dead. But I'm not... weird.

Gibs

I work with a guy named Gibs. He's an asshole. He's a relic from the past, a real soldier, a MAN'S MAN. He's not like me, no sir. He's a black guy, but he's seen it all and nothing surprises him. He fears NO ONE. I wish I could be as badass as him. I try to be, honestly, but I'm just not as tough as I like to think I am... damn.

Getting Older

Isn't easy. I'm growing up in an odd time. While at college I sat around in the library wondering to myself who I was and why I was there. I thought many things... of course I thought about making money, then I started thinking about girls, which is really more complicated than I thought it would be. No bs, girls are whores these days. They don't want to be equal at all, they just want to be treated like a princess while pretending to be fully independent. It was this thought that led me into my internet addiction in I guess a reckless and care less way because I knew I had nothing to lose. I knew that I'd go down in life in either two ways, struggling to pay for a girl or exploring my passions online foolishly. Either way was a dead end eh. I think that's just life, one big dead end. What are we to do but have fun on the way there? God, why do people take life so seriously all the damn time? Laugh a little... This guy at work for instance, everything is a life changing moment for him as if anything I say has to be picked apart bit by bit. I try to avoid this guy but he's something else, a damn psycho, reels me in with his pleasant attitude and greeting, then gets to work trying to sound like he's a genius on life, at 21. Dumb... I got to get into the military asap.

Lonliness

Is gay. Frappin sitting here feeling like I don't know what to do in life, whether I'll be stuck at this job forever, etc. having to push myself harder than anyone else because I'm black. My father tells me to relax, don't try too hard, but I know he's just trying to protect me from developing his mental disorder which I'm predisposed to. He's an idiot. Why squash my potential to become a great person because of your own insecurities? That's parenting, man, having to take the hard road and let go of your beloved children one day, you bastard...

I'm watching the new star trek trailer now, looks like it'll be great, but now that I'm older I'm just losing interest in pop culture movies... I'm more interested in girls... but I can't get any... sucks... sucks so much it makes me want to die.

Good Night and Good Morning

I'm about to sleep, take a bite from that big depressing black hole called death. I'll put down a thought as this moment fizzles out and time moves forward leaving these actions behind...

We're all only as good as we are together in unison than in isolation. I walk these streets and look at the fear in people's eyes, fear of me, of you, of some great mysterious evil that could infect them... too much fear... What is making people so afraid? You're not alone...

FUCK

I relapsed. I can't take it. I'm all alone here. It's just me me me me me. If I don't decide to stop giving in to the temptations, then nothing will help me. It hurts to do it and it hurts to not do it. there's no middle ground in this. I'm so tightly wound and I want to just die DIE die DIE!!! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

I'm afraid!

I'm afraid of people. I'm afraid of being hurt again.

What am I supposed to do? I don't want to work at this stupid job with this guy who's just the weirdest guy on earth. I don't want to live here forever being told how to live my life by my parents. I don't want to get into huge amounts of debt at college only to have to struggle to pay it off and on top of that struggle to get women and have to pay for them. It hurts to be alive.

Why do I go on? Why? It hurts... I don't know why... But I will.

Girl beaten by cops

That bitch got what she deserved. That's just my street smarts side talking, sorry, to all those who'd want to get politically correct. Yes she's young, but she knows it and hides behind that fact to hopefully get away with verbally or physically abusing a decent cop. I've seen it in the past, young girls regardless of race manipulating people because they're female. I've never really thought about girls when I was younger as anything but people. But now as I'm older I'm developing a more cynical view towards them which I know is wrong since there's plenty of good girls out there who don't want any trouble, but it's hard to keep that all in perspective when today it's just very rare that a woman doesn't want to be treated like the world revolves around her, ya dig.

I'm on the verge of giving up on girls really. We here in America like to do this thing called a double standard, ya see. We love to talk about how we want to be treated equally and have equal rights but then we turn around and treat someone else the opposite because we're a nation of hypocrites. Is that just part of being human? I guess... What I'm talking about is how girls want to be equal to men but don't want to ask us out on dates or pay or drive or anything since men are supposed to do that and who gives a hoot about what men want or need anyway....

Then there's love. I was in love with a girl once back in 8th grade, made me feel invincible, like a real man. I dreamt of taking her out, marrying her, taking care of her and all that stuff. But it never happened. I couldn't bring her into my world and horrible home life... So she's out there with some dumbass gangster probably.

But that feeling I had, makes a man believe there's a God that's for sure.

Blue Balls

I've been honestly losing what little sanity I have while fighting this addiction to pornoes. 22, at my peak sexually, all down hill from here eh... I hope so. I hate this. I have my sister telling me that she knows someone who's a virgin at 26 (why?) and of course now in the adult world everyone's trying to parent each other and tell them who they're supposed to be, how smart, how much sex and with whom they should be having it. I know I'm smart, I know I'm capable of becoming a decently intelligent older person if I apply myself. I know this stuff but it's bad when some snob comes along and tears into you because you've reached 22 and yet haven't written a novel or conqured some complex intellectual stuff. I will, I know that much. I'll never just sit around doing nothing. I'll do something demanding brain work. The only problem I have now is that my brain's all mucked up because of the sexual urges. I can't concentrate and hell naw I can't relax and just chill because I'm so sexually frustrated...

Oh well.

addiction

It's been a while since I've ejaculated. I'm doing good but this is very stressful. I feel dead, plain emotionless, like a machine.

I lost my phone today... Which is unfortunate because I need it to get a call from the airforce.

Oh well. I'm starting to get used to the routine of working and living offline in the real world. I may not be a great philosopher or intellectual but I'm a decent enough person and if that's wrong to someone they can go die alone. What a thought, dying alone... I've nothing to look forward to really. I'm a post feminsim male who's trapped in his role as hunter gatherer after all... It's what I think a lot of young men like me feel. When I'm at work, it's like a little community of people who've just accepted the fact that life sucks for them. They have to suck on the mammary of their job or what, live in the streets... I knew it would be this way, just go to school, then find some job to take care of you like a new parent. And now I'm the one who's supposed to know it all by now, know how to get girls and how to talk politics and stuff that I've never been interested in since that's just what people expect from me. I hate that. People really do try to control other people because they're afraid they'll be a danger. It's just human nature to want to feel safe I guess, can't blame anyone for that. But don't go doing unto other what you wouldn't want done to you. I keep thinking that's the best rule ever concieved yet you'll find that it's never followed.

Anyway, god, I hope I can get over this porn addiction. I just don't know... Can it be overcome? It's been several days now without it. I wake up with a hard on every day and am compelled to make some man sauce for old time's sake, but I force myself to not do it and it's just torture all day as my mind craves the endorphin high it gets from the ejaculation. I'm hoping that in time this craving will die off and I'll feel slightly more balanced, we'll see....