Hope can kill a man

Red's words from shawshank redemption, probably the best movie ever made. Saw it for the first time when in high school. I don't know why they showed it, but it really woke me up to the magic of cinema. It's not just a bunch of talking heads. It's mysterious. Magical. When done well, completely enthralling.

It's many times tapped into that side of all of us that can't control tears flowing.

Anyway, sigh, I sit here every day remembering the mistakes of the past. How if I just only knew the way the world really was, I'd have done things differently. And now I'm too old to go back in time and fix them... I guess that's life. No going back.

I feel tired, broken, powerless....

And afraid.

Afraid that if I try to hope again it'll just go no where as usual. I gave getting out of high school every ounce of mental strength I had. So what was my reward? MOOOOOORE school of course.

And a faint promise of money money money after graduating college, which is a lie. You'd be ahead of the crowd for sure with a degree, but no guarantee for a job. Oh well, I never had a chance. You can't NOT teach kids about their sexual sides and expect them to just figure it out. But that's the system and no one dares to change it around here since it seems to work out fine. So stupid. More young men will drop out, more women will graduate, more of the workforce will be female, and over time they'll eventually be begging for the men to come back to the top jobs as women run away from all the hard work and go back to being wives.

I just know it'll happen. My sister's so stupid despite being so smart. She's only academically smart. She knows nothing about practical everyday stuff of which I'm more knowledgeable. I go to relationship forums across the web and see girls like her on there who've got the top job but don't have what they need which is relationship advice. Oops. well, tough. You got everything you wanted, girls, now please just get to work.

what is it I hope for myself? Nothing really... I said it before, I didn't expect to be alive now honestly. I planned to exit this world. I will eventually so whatever...

Society works like this. You're born. Your parents plan out where you'll go in life. You go waste years of your life learning useless crap in school. Then when you're ready you're put to work and pretend to be happy working until you're old and ready to die, and the cycle continues.

That's one of the reasons I dropped out and instead joined the internet party instead. I knew there was nothing special about staying in school then joining the work world, same shit, different title.

But at last after I've been to war online and in the real world with my parents *they did try to kill me* I'm all sorts of fucked up. The only hope I have left is the airforce. I believe I was destined to be in it. If I don't get in, I'll just fuck off this world. I don't care about anything anymore... sigh, no that's not true. I'm just alone and it sucks.